I "raped" my gf at request.

[hosswhispra]

I feel bad making it look like she is this horrible person because she is not, and I love her alot. I just need some help getting through these tough times, because I really think it will be better in the future.

 

I don't think this situation wil get better in the future. I honestly think it will only get worse--as she continues to eat away at your self-esteem.

 

Sleeping on a fluffy in the closet? You're living like a dog right now. No one has the right to lay a hand on another! She has no right to hit you.

 

The question is not whether you love her or not. The real question is do you love yourself enough to give you the best life possible (and honestly, I think that life is without her).

[sweetheart21]

The person that you are in loving relationship with should respect you without you having to finish school, get a nice job, etc. It's great to want to improve yourself but not if you think it's going to get someone else to love you or think that you're worthy. You already are worthy. If she doesn't see that, then maybe she isn't the right person for you.

 

It concerns me that this is your first relationship. You have nothing to compare it to, so it might seem like what's going on is okay. From an outsider's perspective, it's beyond dysfunctional. Many people here will tell you that this would be considered abusive. She shouldn't be hitting you or yelling at you at all, never mind once a week. Sure, people lose their tempers, but it's not usually this one-sided.

 

I hope you find the strength to get away from this.

 

I agree! Because its your first relationship you think this is ok. There are people out there that will smile when you come home, cuddle you all night, want to make you a special dinner, love you.

This girl is ruining your self esteem

And let me tell you she will NEVER respect you while you are letting her treat you like this. You have to stand up for yourself.

6 years is a long time, I know it would be scary to leave, but once you get out there and meet new people you will wonder why you hadnt done it sooner.

Do you really want to marry her and feel like this for the rest of your life???

She has serious issues and needs professional help. She has so much anger in her! And instead of trying to get better she takes it out on you. And you let her.

[jengh]

YES, exactly.... It shouldn't be this hard! Out there, there is a girl who will treat you as well as you treat her, who will WANT to make love to you just for the connection it will give you. Everynight, she will look forward to getting into bed with you and having her hold you all night long... Isn't that what you want? Someone who loves you back, who doesn't want anything in return besides your unconditional love?

[keefy1972]

Wow. This relationship is creeping me out a little. What gets me is that your second post you say you made it sound worse than it really is. I personally don't think counselling is an option for you guys. You need to get the hell away from this woman as fast as you can.

 

Sleeping in a closet? Exchanging sex for labor? Physical abuse? Cyber-cheating? No intimacy?

 

Okay, so she was "raped" by her ex? She wanted you to rape her because thinking back on it made her horny? Then she proceeds to tell you that "you're doing it wrong". So she is a rapist too?? She "knows how it's done"?? In the midst of your sympathy for her being raped, did you ever consider that maybe she is one of those freaks that actually likes it?? Cruel to say I know, but with some people you just never know. Very weird deal dude and you need to get the hell away from her.

[keefy1972]

Oh and she is raping you right now. Raping you of your manhood by treating you worse than I treat my dog. At least I pet and play with my dog sometimes. This is a very sad situation for you. I hope you can find it in yourself to get away from it and fast.

[Luck of the Irish]

What a nut case! Don't leave her YET. I will explain why. If you leave now, you don't have a plan. You have no place to go. She knows all your habits. Places you hang out, your phone number, etc. So here's what you do, and I'm being serious. Get your own apartment, and DON'T tell her where it is. Do it in secret. If you have a phone, get a new plan and a new number. Then one day when she is gone, leave a note. Don't even bother doing it in person. Run far away! I would always think that breaking up should be done honorably and honestly, face to face. But with a ***** this crazy, my own personal safety would be my priority! 6'0'', 200 pounds!

[heartlessromantic]

Michael_H,

 

Let's take "slander" out of the equation. Do not feel bad about making her look bad.

 

Okay, so maybe she is this way because of past abuse. Fine. We don't have to demonize her.

 

But what is the end result? She does not treat you well. And even if you insist that "it's not that bad", you are still not happy and you sense something is seriously wrong. That is why you posted on this board asking for advice.

 

Trust your instincts. There are two "correct" solutions to your problems, with #1 being much preferable:

 

1) Leave as soon as you can. Move out, don't tell her where you are moving, and break up with her. Make sure you have enough money to support yourself so you won't come running back. It is important to have a plan, as another poster said, so you don't have a chance of coming back.

 

2) If you insist on staying, she must agree to go to therapy. What if the problem is deeper, like sexual abuse within the family? Don't ask her this. Just insist that she go into therapy. AND, you should still move out to get some space from her. Again, do not tell her where you are moving so you can let go easily. She sounds unstable and who knows what could happen. It's not like she's giving you any intimacy anyway - what's the point of living together? If she refuses to go to therapy or shows less than very high dedication to solving her problems, leave.

 

I know you come from a lower class background but that does not give her any right to treat you this way. AND HER WEALTH DOES NOT MAKE HER A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU NOR DOES IT MAKE HER SOME SORT OF CATCH!

 

You sound like a good guy and I guarantee you that in your life you will meet good solid women who will love you for who you are and who will treat you well. I guarantee it. Nice guys do not finish last. Guys with no backbone to look out for their own happiness finish last.

 

My first serious girlfriend cheated on me with a close friend of mine. It didn't feel good and confused me. But it made me a stronger person and all the girls I have dated since have always, at one point or another, been deeply in love or like - depending on how long we dated - with me. Even the one who cheated on me really loved me. She's contacted me numerous times over the last decade. People hurt you, but unless they are total sociopaths, the guilt definitely sticks.

 

This is something you need to understand. What you offer has value. Respect yourself, respect what you bring to a relationship, and only give to people who are willing to reciprocate.

[rocio]

You're not doing her any favors by allowing her to abuse you. Not only is this unhealthy for you, but it's probably even more unhealthy for her, because it is preventing her from working through her issues.

[LONESOUL]

You need to leave this girl, I'm sorry. You can't fix this. She has deeper issues

then you can resolve by making her life easier because you sleep in the closet. I was in an emotionally abusive reationship myself. You knew it was

happening, but I felt powerless to stop it and too sorry for her to try, because I loved her. She needs more than you can give, you need to get

out and get yourself back on your feet.

Take good Care

Lone

[sparkle1]

I read your post. I wasn't going to reply as i don't think i can say anything that the rest of the ENA'ers have already - but i can't walk away from this!

 

This is BULLYING at its most extreme. Never ever should one human being make another do, say, and feel the way she is making you feel.

 

She is a lazy, manipulative women who basically gets off on having you running around after her.

 

you don't need to explain that she is big etc for a reason to say you don't like her hitting you. No one should have to put up with domestic violence - male or female.

 

My advise is to get out of this destructive relationship as soon as you can. This is really unhealthy, and not at all normal or constructive. The longer you let this happen the lower you'll get until you're not strong enough to walk away.

 

She doesn't love you. this is not the behaviour of someone who loves someone.

 

Sparkle xxx

[flower99]

so I am crazy to stay in this relationship? I mean it really isn't as bad as it sounds, most of the time she is really funny and I enjoy being with her, but there are so many messed up things that I am seriously thinking they will never change and I should get out of the relationship while I am still sane.

 

what should I do? convince her to try couples counseling with me or separate and only get back together if things change? it is really stressing me out and I usually smoked alot of weed to excape from the bad feelings and when she would be ignoring me playing online I would go smoke up but I quit smoking recently and seems like I can't handle it anymore with out the excape of getting high.

 

please give me some helpful advice/insight!! thanks in advance

 

 

I dont' know what I can say that the others haven't said.

But I wanted to write you. Sweetie, I am soooo sorry.

 

No you're not crazy, But YES you should get out of there while you are still sane. NO couselling can't change this.

 

This isn't a relationship, this isn't love- this is abuse.

-hits you

-you sleep in a closet

-you do all the house work & cook for her & laundry

-you pay her for sex with chores

-no passion or affection, kindness no love

-she cheats (internet boyfriends???)

-she's lazy, doesn't seek to better herself (computer 24/7)

- manipulates you

I could continue on, but you see the patern here. This is not right.

This is not healthy and this is not love.

 

You deserve far more. She doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, the way you need to be loved & the way you should be loved. There is someone who will love & adore you for you. You deserve that.

Don't settle for less & don't try to fix this. Get out while you're still sane & strong. And persue a better life for yourself, because you can & you deserve it.

I wish you happiness.

[Daddy Bear]

Michael, i was in a similar situation for a very long time. when i spent a couple of weeks without the sticky, i realized that it had been the only thing keeping me a slave to this abuse. that's one downside to getting high: there are a few people who will take full advantage of your stoned passivity and compliance. please don't let this go on for as long as i did. one day you may look back and see a huge portion of what should be a happy life gone and unreclaimable.

 

a little no-brainer prediction: you are SO going to love your next relationship once you find the gumption to escape this one for real. best of luck, bro.

[unface]

Run! Get The Hell Out Of There

[Juliana]

Oh, honey, she is so wrecked. Really. All this stuff sounds so familiar to me; I was -- well, I lived with a guy who tortured me.

 

She must get some counselling. There's no other way she'll ever come right; she's re-enacting the abuse all the time, and it's re-traumatizing her; she's getting worse, not better.

 

And you have to get out of the closet. You know that's silly. Come on now.

[flower99]

She must get some counselling. There's no other way she'll ever come right; she's re-enacting the abuse all the time, and it's re-traumatizing her; she's getting worse, not better.

 

 

 

 

Yes she does need couselling

but don't stick around till she's fixed.

[NKP]

Yeah get out, shes not worth your time. Shes cheating and doesnt even care if she hurts you. She doesnt have a heart her heart is cold, black. You sound like a really nice guy, so go out and find a nice girl that treats you good

[Survictor]

This girl does not need a relationship right now! She needs serious help!

 

If I were you, I would tell her that we no longer have a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship but you are willing to be her friend, if she treats you well. If she doesn't, then you cannot be her friend either.

 

I would tell her that because I am her friend: I can offer no more because of her problems, I urge her to seek professional help and that were she to do that, I might support her during that time.

 

If she did not want me to be her friend and she refused counselling, I would definitely leave this relationship completely.

 

Dude, you are better than this!

[Daddy Bear]

give her everything that you owe her: a pat on the back, well wishes and a strong recommendation for therapy. keep in touch with her if you want, but don't expect miracles overnight... aight?

[Michael_H]

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I finnally got enough courage to tell her how I felt and that I never want to see her again, which was really hard to not just say we should take a break or we should maybe change somethings but to actually spit out the words and mean it that I never wanna see or talk to her ever again.

and we are officialy broken up and hopefully I can start the recovery process and move on.

[jengh]

wow.. good for you, michael! How did she take it? Was she upset?

[flower99]

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I finnally got enough courage to tell her how I felt and that I never want to see her again, which was really hard to not just say we should take a break or we should maybe change somethings but to actually spit out the words and mean it that I never wanna see or talk to her ever again.

and we are officialy broken up and hopefully I can start the recovery process and move on.

 

Good for you Michael, That was probably one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, but the best thing you could have done for yourself.

 

I wish you a lifetime of happiness & a quick recovery... post anytime...you'll find a lot of support on here

[Beec]

Good. Now work on healing you.

[southerngirl]

Wow, so how are you doing now?

 

Did you move out? How did she take it?

 

You are doing the right thing man, I didnt reply yesterday because I really had nothing further to add that all these others hadnt already said.

 

You deserve so much more.

[kalshane]

If you really broke things off, I'm sure glad you came here and posted!

 

Now you must stay away from her.

[EvaGina]

Get out... get out now... dont get your stuff, just LEAVE.

Shes going to beat the living daylights out of you one day.

There is only so much you can do, if she doesnt go get help of her own accord, its not your problem.

but leave... please...