I "raped" my gf at request.

[Michael_H]

so a little background info. been in this relationship with my girlfriend for about 6 years now. I would say we have a pretty disfunctional relationship to say the least.

before she met me her old boyfriend supposedly "raped" her, by raped I mean he would force sex with her whenever he wanted and she would cry during the sex and he would care, she tried to kill herself with her meds but was saved at the hospital.

at the begaining of our relationship we had sex often, maybe once every few days, and she would always just lay there basically traumatized and let me do her, she said later that she only let me have sex with her so much because she didn't want me to leave her, but after she became more secure in the fact that I loved her and wasn't going to leave her she basically stopped having sex with me. she is a pretty sexual person and probably masturbates at least once a day to some of the nastyest porn you can think of, but whenever she does I have to leave the apartment, or sometimes just the room, but she can never do it when I'm around. even if we were watching some porn on tv or finished having sex or anytime she was ever having an orgasm I could never be in her presense. over the last few years I think we probably had sex once a month, and that sex would be her masturbating by herself to orgasm (while I was out of the room/apartment of course, not 1 exception) so she can get wet then she would lay on her back and not move a muscle while I got on top and she would say stuff like are you done yet, or hurry up etc, and it would last on tops maybe 3 minutes before either she kicked me off or I managed to orgasm. afterwards she would instantly leave the room and be obviously upset.

so over the last few days she has been getting pretty horny, probably because she has some internet boyfriend that she is always playing world of warcraft with all day and chatting with on voice chat, I see their text and he is always like oh sweetie, night hun, do you really like me? and all this other e-boyfriend talk. we haven't had sex in about 3 months.

 

ok so today she asks me if I want to have sex and I had to think about it because its really strange for her to ask for it (I can't remember her ever asking before, maybe once) and I dont even like it, leaves me feelign all weird after. anyways she says that I can only have sex with her if I "rape" her and I am really aggressive, like her ex was when he basically would rape her, and she said at the time she really didn't like it but thinking back it makes her horny. so I agree and she tries to explain what she wants, so I grab her pick her up and carry her into *her* room ( I sleep on the floor in the closet no joke) and proceed to take her clothes off and talk dirty and bind her hands behind her back, and attempt my best at "raping" her, but thing is... I was so weirded out by the whole experince, and the fact that she constantly was critizing how I was doing, saying oh god you can't kiss can you, no dont do that, god do this!!! your doing it wrong!!! I am really not enjoying it at all but trying my best to do what she wanted. after about 5 minutes she says this isn't working and to "hurry up and finish" so i just say I finished when I didn't, in fact my penis was bearly erect I could bearly penetrate her anyway ( I dont have any kind of ED problems ever before, very healthy and young "23) so I got off and felt so terrible I instantly had to get out of the apartment. oh and also she said before we started that after I had to clean the entire apartment, she usually does this though, whenever we had sex in the past 3 years I always had to do something right after, like wash the dishes or something in return for her letting me do her. our relationship is so messed up, I love her but I really feel like I just want to excape!!! anyway I can, I just wanna run away and never see her again.

 

please I need some advice, I dont know what to do.

 

some other weird things about our relationship would be that every single day I have sole responsible for feeding her and I have to make dinner every night or bring home take out, she is seriously like a 50's husband that goe "Whats for dinner!!!!" and I do all her laundry and all the house work, I mean seriously she has never done anything even one time. she just plays online computer games 24/7 (thats how we met but I quit gaming 2 years ago) and she also hits me but she feels like its no big deal and it doesn't hurt and I am just a big baby, she is a big girl (6,0 200lbs) and used to be a college athelete so she is really strong, and it seriously hurts when she hits me and I really hate it, usually only like 4 or 5 times has she spazed out and really went at it slugging me, but usually she thinks its funny to punch me in the nuts or slap me or her favorite is to just sucker punch me in the mouth when Im not expecting it.

 

so I am crazy to stay in this relationship? I mean it really isn't as bad as it sounds, most of the time she is really funny and I enjoy being with her, but there are so many messed up things that I am seriously thinking they will never change and I should get out of the relationship while I am still sane.

 

what should I do? convince her to try couples counseling with me or separate and only get back together if things change? it is really stressing me out and I usually smoked alot of weed to excape from the bad feelings and when she would be ignoring me playing online I would go smoke up but I quit smoking recently and seems like I can't handle it anymore with out the excape of getting high.

 

please give me some helpful advice/insight!! thanks in advance

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Your girlfriend is being manipulative and very abusive. It's not a problem that just improve or you get "used" to, it's something where eventually you will come to your breaking point and realise it's a very dysfunctional relationship and for your health, both mental and physical, you need to leave.

[Mythical_Suicide]

if I was in your shoes i'd get away from that girl ASAP she sounds like she has some very troubling issues to deal with, Iwould be scared to be around her at all.

And I mean it doesn't seem like youre getting much out of the relationship, and its very doubtful things will ever change.. Besides she's been abusive to you, whether male or female noone deserves to be abused.

And Just a little side note, I've been raped in my past and in no way shape or form do I get aroused by thinking about infact I cringe at the thought of sex if I think about it.. So as far as her doing that, that is just extremely STRANGE to sayy the least

[hosswhispra]

so I am crazy to stay in this relationship? I mean it really isn't as bad as it sounds, most of the time she is really funny and I enjoy being with her, but there are so many messed up things that I am seriously thinking they will never change and I should get out of the relationship while I am still sane.

 

what should I do? convince her to try couples counseling with me or separate and only get back together if things change? it is really stressing me out and I usually smoked alot of weed to excape from the bad feelings and when she would be ignoring me playing online I would go smoke up but I quit smoking recently and seems like I can't handle it anymore with out the excape of getting high.

 

please give me some helpful advice/insight!! thanks in advance

 

 

I don't think you're crazy, Michael. I think you're being abused by this woman.

No one should put up with that abuse. Self-medicating with weed can only do so much. Staying in this toxic relationship will eventually ruin you. She's wearing you down and she needs help. However, you shouldn't feel the need to 'rescue' her. You need to rescue yourself, Michael.

[Beec]

Leave. I really don't undersnad how or why one would stay with a woman: who has internet relationships; bargains with you for giving you sex; masturbates a lot but does not want to be intimate with you; and has you sleep in a closet.

 

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[kalshane]

Whoa. I'm not even going to go into her issues, bro, because that would mean a whole lotta typing, so I'm just going to get to the heart of the matter, meaning what the best thing you can do right now: Leave. And when I say leave, I mean RUN. If you can't now, save some money and get your own place if you don't have anywhere else you can go.

 

Since you're not married, entering any kind of counseling RIGHT NOW wouldn't be a good idea. If you would want to stay with her,and seek counseling, you need to have a place to call your own, a place to retreat to. This woman has some deep seated issues that are going to take a while, but since you're not married you have to ask yourself, is she worth it?

 

What your going through sounds like it could only get worse for both of you.

[itsallgrand]

Hi Micheal.

 

Is she your first serious girlfriend?

 

You are right. This relationship is dysfunctional. It is hurting you. It is not helping her with her issues either.

 

I do think you need to leave her. I recognize that right now you are thinking "yes, I want things to get better, but I want it to be without leaving her.

 

Time for some tough decisions. Sorry. This is past the point of repair. Right now, you need to take care of you.

[DizzyDoris]

Sounds like after being abused in her past, she is now taking on the role of abuser. Do you have anywhere else to stay?

Sleeping on the floor in the closet? OMG whats that all about! Your supposed to be her boyfriend not her pet dog! I would try and talk to her and if she doesnt start treating you better and stop being violent towards you, i'd be off like a shot. In fact ignore that....i'd be off like a shot right now!

 

This girl is seriously going to damage your self esteem, she needs to sort her issues out and you deserve to be treated so much better. This is not acceptable behaviour she has no right to treat you this way.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Michael - welcome to ENA!!

 

What do you think you need or what it will take for you to get away from this person?

[jengh]

I don't understand. What makes it so you two are even "in a relationship"?

1. she makes you sleep in a closet!!!. Last time I checked, when you live with a significant other, you share a bed! At least you would have your OWN bed!

2. She is intimate without you. Meaning, she won't let you be around her when she masturbates.

3. She, more or less, acts as a prostitute. In exchange for (bad) sex, you have to do things for her (dishes, cleaning, etc)

4. She has an internet boyfriend. In my opinion, physical or not, emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse, as physical cheating.

 

So does she not have a job? Who pays the rent? If it's you working, paying the rent...you are ENTITLED to a bed to sleep in at night! She needs to start pulling her weight. Even if she doesn't work, she should be doing the housework, cooking, laundry, etc.

 

I understand she's had an abusive past, but there's nothing you can do to change that. It's something she needs to get over on her own, with some intense therapy. It seems to me that her ex's abusive tendencies are rubbing off on her and in turn, she is becoming very abusive to you.

 

I am very sorry you have to deal with this. I can't even imagine how hard this has been on you. It's not going to be simple, but you NEED to get out of this toxic relationship!!! I truly wish you the best of luck

[luvursmile]

Dude, you need to get out of this relationship! She even hits you.

[Tigris]

Get out of this relationship straight away. Run and don't look back.

 

You deserve someone who'll treat you right.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[rose2summer]

I think this is the most toxic relationship I have ever heard of.

 

First of all, her asking you to rape her, shows some deep-rooted psychological problems.

 

She needs to get help, seek counseling, there is a link in my signature if you want to refer her to a RAINN counselor.

 

In terms of you, you need to get out of this mess, she is abusive, manipulative, takes advantage of you, cheats on you, what could possibly be good about this?

 

If you stay with her, you are likely to destroy your views of sex, because you are classical conditioning yourself to her needs, which are absolutely far fetched.

 

I cannot possibly see what is good about this woman that keeps you with her.

 

Hugs, Rose

[chai714]

I rarely say this, but for the most part I agree with most everyone's advice.

 

One thing I understand is that when you're in such a bad relationship, you might not fully realize it or see it as a 3rd party would. You seemed to acknowledged several times that this relationship is not right. Your girlfriend has many psychological problems and you may end up with a few of your own if you continue living out this horror of a relationship.

 

The best and most loving thing you could to for yourself is to walk. If you still love her and want to make the process easier, get her in some type of counseling before you walk away - at least you'll know she might be getting some kind of professional help.

[Michael_H]

wow thanks for all the replys, I think I made it sound alot worse than it is.

first of yes this is my first and only relationship. and I sleep in the closet because we only have a 1 bedroom apartment and she doesn't like me sleeping in the bed with her, when I used to I would have like the 10% of the side of the bed with no covers and she would like to stretch out and would often kick me off the side. she says she cant sleep in the same room as me because of my loud breathing. I was sleeping on the futton in the living room but she didn't like getting up while I would still be sleeping, so we have a little storage room/closet that has room for a skinny lil bed, well its just a foamy on the floor, it wasn't her suggestion I sleep in there but i found it a nice retreat that was quite (her typing and talking while late night gaming was hard to sleep beside while on the couch when I had to get up early for work).

and yea she has never had a job and I usually do (dont right now going to college full time) but she comes from a very wealthy classy family where everyone is a rich lawyer (dad, mom, brother) and I come from low class family and I grew up in a trailer park (wasn't always that way but my dad died and my mom was just a homemaker with 3 kids no education, but she took night classes and did a good job raising us and supporting us). money is a big thing because I basically have none, really struggling to get through college and she has an endless bank account, credit card that her dad pays for, and a nice car that I get to use (mostly to go get her food lol). so I get to eat alot of take out which I would otherwise never afford, and we went on a few trips that I could of never afforded ( I still had to pay as much as I could which basically bankrupted me and I'm in serious debt).

but yea it seems easy to say "run for the hills" when you hear about the bad things but it really isn't THAT bad, I mean she isn't hitting me all the time, maybe once a week or so she jokeingly will play around and hit me, it doesn't really hurt alot but I still dont like it and always flitch even when she goes to touch me. but its not like i'm just a leech of her, I still pay half the rent and bills, and used to pay half the food when I was working but she basically pays for all the food right now. sometimes when I think about the money issues I feel like I'd be better off on my own because I'd have more say in how I spent it, mostly not having to spend lots on trips cause that really hurt me financially.

and with her "e-boyfriend" she doesn't really like him, well I wouldn't say that but they never have cyber sex or anything, she basically uses him to help her advance on the game faster, and leads him on so he will continue to go out of his way to help her. when I voice any objections to her and this guy she freaks out saying stuff like "what should I never talk to anyone? I should never be allowed to have any friends or talk to anyone ever???" which is not what Im saying but its pretty obvious that the guy thinks its a serious relationship, he always calls her pet names and they spend lots of time together and he talks about coming to visit her.

my biggest issue is the intimacy, I really like cuddling and hugs and everything like that but she doesn't, if we could just get that sorted out I think things would be alot better, she used to go to a therapist and phycaitrist (sp? lol) and I feel like if we could do some counseling things could get better. and when she quits gaming that will be great cause right now I bearly talk to her or hang out with her, but a few weeks ago I was helping her with finals and she didn't game all week and it was really a great time because I actually got to spend time with her.

 

I dont know its so easy to look in and say omg she is so bad etc but I mean there are some issues I just need to get them resolved and things could be great and we could get married and have a family. I really love her and it makes me feel good alot of times when I take care of her, and things like prepare her a nice meal and set it out for her and she is very thankful and nice. its not like she is always yelling at me and hitting me. and I think once I finish school and get a nice job that she will have more respect for me because right now she sees me like her family does, low class uneducated, and basically not worthy. and I started working out recently so I think once I have a really chisled/ripped physique that she will be more attracted to me. I just need some time to get a good career and become more attractive and things will get better. and after some counseling I think the intimacy issues could be resolved.

I don't know... I want a future with her but right now I just feel like I wanna get out of the stresses. we've talked about getting different apartments recently and I think that will help alot. she will have to make her own food and do her own laundry etc, then later when we move back in together she will be able to do more around the house.

I feel bad making it look like she is this horrible person because she is not, and I love her alot. I just need some help getting through these tough times, because I really think it will be better in the future.

[rose2summer]

Well, if you want to stay, you should really push her towards counseling.

 

Send her the link in my signature, it's free and confidential counseling, from highly-trained rape treatment counselors.

 

I think a lot of her odd behavior stems from her rape, so she needs to resolve it.

[Beec]

ok, you sleep in a closet because she basically makes it impossible to sleep with her and when you chose to sleep in the living room, she didn't like that either. I'd be fighting for my share of the bed, and it would not be 10%. You're worth more than 10%, aren't you.

 

So, she uses a guy via cyber, which means she is willing to use people.

 

YOU EVEN FLINCH WHEN SHE TRIES TO TOUCH YOU. There is no loving going on here.

 

Sounds to me like she expects there to be a collar with your name on attached to a leash with the other end in her hand.

 

Financially, it may be easy for you to remain. But it is going to take it's toll. Who cares if you can from a trailer park? That does not determine that you are worth less as a person, becaus she has rich lawyers supporting her. Your mother worked hard for you, don't let her walk on Mom's hard work. If I was thinking I needed to stay for the money, I would be planning my exit as soon as I didn't.

[amtjrtcet]

Its sounds to me like her psychological "issues" have gotten to you. She obviously doesn't think very much of herself, & it sounds like she's taken you down with her.

 

Ok, so "ITS NOT THAT BAD". So stay, stay with someone who doesn't treat you well, belittles you, doesn't want to be intimate with you, enjoys communicating with ther E-boyfriend more then you, won't allow you to sleep with her, gets horney at the thought of being raped. Sounds great (sarcasim)

 

Dude.........run run run. Love her from a distance, and eventually you'll get over her. RUN!

[itsallgrand]

Hi Micheal.

I recognize that right now you are thinking "yes, I want things to get better, but I want it to be without leaving her.

 

Time for some tough decisions. Sorry. This is past the point of repair. Right now, you need to take care of you.

 

Read it again.

 

Imagine you have a big, gaping wound on your head. The wound is from banging yourself on the head with a hammer. It's bleeding, it's infected.

It hurts, it hurts so much you go to the doctor.

The doctor says "Yes, indeed, that is a very serious wound. It needs treatment. But first, in order for it to heal or any treatment to have a positive effect, you will need to put down that hammer and stop hitting yourself."

 

And then you say "But doctor, it really isn't that bad! I want it to get better, but only if I can keep hiting myself in the head!"

 

Well...it won't get better. Same situation here.

 

You need to stop the wounding and stop the bleeding first.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She Has Issues. RUN RUN RUN. Colossal ones, get out. Promise me that much!

[Dako]

The advice you're getting may cause you to backpedal about how bad it is, but there's no way to spin this into a healthy relationship.

 

I've known abused women who downplay the abuse when I suggested they leave. You're doing the same thing, guy.

 

If it's like this now, how can you consider marriage?

Don't rationalize, Run!

[bulletproof]

its not like she is always yelling at me and hitting me. and I think once I finish school and get a nice job that she will have more respect for me because right now she sees me like her family does, low class uneducated, and basically not worthy. and I started working out recently so I think once I have a really chisled/ripped physique that she will be more attracted to me. I just need some time to get a good career and become more attractive and things will get better. and after some counseling I think the intimacy issues could be resolved.

 

The person that you are in loving relationship with should respect you without you having to finish school, get a nice job, etc. It's great to want to improve yourself but not if you think it's going to get someone else to love you or think that you're worthy. You already are worthy. If she doesn't see that, then maybe she isn't the right person for you.

 

It concerns me that this is your first relationship. You have nothing to compare it to, so it might seem like what's going on is okay. From an outsider's perspective, it's beyond dysfunctional. Many people here will tell you that this would be considered abusive. She shouldn't be hitting you or yelling at you at all, never mind once a week. Sure, people lose their tempers, but it's not usually this one-sided.

 

I hope you find the strength to get away from this.

[kalshane]

I mean if your not convinced by now that you should go, then you are being a classic co-dependent.

 

I wish you the best.

[Mythical_Suicide]

the one thing that stuck out to me is you said shes using this online guy to get farther in a game, so wouldnt you start to wonder if she says lovely things to advance in a non-realistic world that she wouldnt do the same in the real world? I really think you are in denial of how bad it is. You are downplaying the severity of it. As well of her seeking help I think you need to seek help as well I think this girl has messed your logical thinking up (common among those who have been abused)

[jengh]

Okay, I want you to do one thing for me:

Read and re-read both of your posts. I want you to read them objectively and pretend like you're reading another person's post. What would you say to a person in that situation? Be honest. Don't think, well, I'm talking about myself so i know it's not bad, etc... If I posted saying my boyfriend was all of those things and hit me...would you tell me to stay? that it's not that bad? I don't think you would. Please. You need to take care of your psychological-and physical-well being.