Girlfriend of 4 years NOT into sex and is not open to new things...what to do?

[Luck of Irish]

I have a great girlfriend. She's the type of girl every guy wants to marry. She's funny, smart, adorable, PERFECT body, etc.

 

One problem: she doesn't like sex.

 

Yes I know....you're probably thinking I'm not good at it. That's not the case...because with my previous girlfriends...they seemed to love it.

 

When we first started to have sex (in year one)....it was never frequent. It was once/week....sometimes twice.

 

Year 2 it started to go down.

 

I finally said something that we're not having as much sex as I'd like to or that we used to...and she said that she wasn't into it....and didn't like it. She said it did nothing for her....and did not pleasure her.

 

Keep this in mind: she will NOT let me eat her out or finger her.....claiming it's disgusting. She doesn't give blowjobs either (different story). She also will not try new positions. All we do is missionary....and sometimes her on top. She will NOT try doggie....not matter how many times I've mentioned it.

 

I told her it's hard to pleasure her when she won't let me eat her out or even finger her. She still says she doesn't want me to do it and that it's disgusting.

 

I mentioned her going to a doctor to see what the problem is....and she refuses to do it. She says she doesn't want to....no matter how many times I've suggested it.

 

Meanwhile....at this point I get sex once every 3-4 weeks....yes, I know, bad.

 

She only does sex as a favor to me....and it's getting old. If I'm really horny....it doesn't matter....but if i'm feeling normal and just want to have sex ..I feel bad about it.

 

She doesn't give blowjobs either...so let's keep that in mind.

 

The thing is...I believe I'm going to marry her. We talk about marriage, etc.

 

But honestly.....would I be dumb to marry someone who I'm only having sex with almost once/month now? Doesn't it lessen once you're married?

 

Bottom line: I love this girl...but I need sex. When I tell her I need her to be more open about it...she gets immature and says "well if you need more sex get it somewhere else" (not being serious, in a sarcastic tone).

 

1) Rule out cheating.....I know she isn't

2) She wasn't molested/raped....brought that up before, and I'm sure of it

 

Any advice, please?

[annie24]

i would sit down and have a serious talk with her. tell her how important having a loving, physical relationship is to keeping your bond alive. maybe go to couples' counseling. see if you two can come to a compromise that works for both of you. maybe there is something in her past that you do not know about.

 

I don't know man.... I could never go the rest of my life with sex once a year. that sounds horrible. why should your significant other stop you from having good sex? if I were in your shoes, I think I would leave.

 

good luck

[Dako]

Maybe you should seek counseling to reduce your libido.

You see where I'm going with this. People have different drives, and yours don't mesh. Who should change?

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

It’s not uncommon for partners to have different levels of interest in sex. It could be that she has a low sex drive for what ever reason. That isn’t the problem. The differences in what you want and what she wants is the problem, and having a neutral third party like a counsellor to talk about it is a great idea.

 

And don’t feel like you’re forced into marrying someone that isn’t going to fulfill you. Don’t be drawn into the “if she’d only put out more she’d be perfect” trap, she is how she is, and it’s very possible that her interest in sex isn’t going to change. Take it from me, that road is going to lead you to unnecessary fights, you potentially looking elsewhere for the affection you crave and her feeling alienated by you.

[heloladies21]

Meanwhile....at this point I get sex once every 3-4 weeks....yes, I know, bad.

This is a very bad sign and this girl is not very into you as a girl's sexual desire is very much tied into her emotional interest in a guy. This is all a symptom/result of the way you have managed the relationship and usually it's because you haven't been sticking up for yourself (passing her tests) when necessary.

 

When you say things like this, the only thing I can think is that this relationship is going to end. This is the expected result when things have gotten this far.

 

Doesn't it lessen once you're married?

This is a myth right here, it's unrelated to whether or not you're married. It is only related to how interested she is in you. Marriage talk is out of the question at this point unless you're looking forward to a divorce.

 

The best way I could help you with your problems is by specific examples of how you two act, especially during conflicts. But for example like when your chick said you can go someplace else is you want sex, if you just sit there and take it, then you are handling it way wrong and her attitude is expected. You need to throw a comment like that back in her face because it is unacceptable. If my girl said something like that I'd immediately say "Are you serious?" and make a big deal out of it, make her feel guilty for not caring bout my feelings, being rude, inconsiderate, etc. If you don't do this, they will think you have no self-esteem (and rightly so) and this is a turn off for girls.

[Luck of Irish]

To all 3 responses,

 

She won't go to a counselor. I suggested it already.

 

Here's the worst part we're only 23 and 22 years old. Usually people have sex like rabbits at this age.

 

Every time I bring it up she gets upset too. She says "is that all you ever think about?"

 

She also thinks that my sex drive is sky high. For god's sake....all I'm asking for is once/week. People do it 7x/week.

 

I get it once/3 weeks.....and I want it once/week(at least)....I think a once/week compromise is meeting halfway.

[annie24]

imagine yourself 5 years from now, married to her. would you be happy?

[Luck of Irish]

I'm sure she's into me emotionally.....in fact I'm positive. The sex thing is her fault....but the way I've handled it is partially mine in the fact that I waited until 2 years to start putting my foot down.

 

As for my response to her saying for me to get sex elsewhere.....I don't just "take" it....I say to her "Why would you say that? That's just dumb"....and she'll say "well if you need more sex....you'll need to get it somewhere else...because I'm not going to have it every day" (even though we don't have it nearly everyday)....and I say I'm not asking for it everyday....i'm saying once/week...and she says 'welll i don't want it that much'....

[Luck of Irish]

imagine yourself 5 years from now, married to her. would you be happy?

 

If we had sex twice/week....I would.

 

You're a woman Annie (and a Mod)...so I'm sure you know what you're talking about.

 

What's your opinion/take on all of this? Thanks in advance.

[Dako]

Lucky,

 

I know a married guy that's gone without for 10 years. The poor guy is severely disturbed and sorely tempted to cheat. My brother has gone even longer, and his wife sees no problem with it.

Don't assume she'll change for you. She may not like sex at all.

Save yourself.

 

You just wrote it's her fault.

I maintain it may just be who she is.

[annie24]

you know, I think that dako has it right - it may just be basically a compatibiltiy issue. I've often heard the quote, "sex is only 5% of a marriage, but if that 5% isn't working, then it becomes 95% of the problems in the marriage."

 

I don't know if my view is coming from as a woman, or as a human, but I can't imagine being with someone who didn't want to have sex as often as me. I would just continually feel rejected, and that isn't a good feeling. it will lead to a lot of resentment down the road. and it would make me feel unattractive. yup, resentful, unattractive, and hurt. not a good combination.

[4ever]

your sex drive is not sky high, its normal! i cant see a relationship with someone you love without love making, how can that be!!!!

she sounds totaly frigid. she does it once in ages just to please you!

i dont think there is any magic to change it ever, no matter if you go to shrinks or figure out whats wrong in her past or her religions, etc.

she doesnt view it the same way and she is frigid.

im sorry she is so perfect in other ways, seems like you need to find another person who you can share lovemaking with or stick to her and never get a blow job or anything.

[heloladies21]

"well if you need more sex....you'll need to get it somewhere else

If a girl is truly into you, she would never say something like this. This is a solid indicator that there is a bigger problem here.

 

And the conversation doesn't sound like it's been completed. After her last line, I'd say something like "Don't you see that there's a big problem here between us?" But the way you handle it gives her the idea that it's not serious enough to you. That's why she doesn't take your concerns seriously, she just shrugs them off and goes on like nothing's wrong.

[4ever]

wanted to add.. even if you are happy with sex twice a week as you said, will you be HAPPY though with sex with no passion? where you do all the work and its always 1 same thing, where you are the only one into it?

[Scout]

Is it possible she's a lesbian and isn't acknowledging it to herself or you?

[Honey Pumpkin]

What's the physical affection like between you normally? Do you kiss/hug a lot? Hold hands? Curl up together on the sofa to watch a film? Are you physically relaxed around each other, and like a couple?

 

And do you mess around without it leading to sex? Long foreplay sessions, massages, play fighting, that kind of thing?

 

Because at the moment, it sounds like you're friends rather than lovers - I can't quite get a mental image here.

[Juha]

Before this relationship goes any further I would sit down and have a big talk about what is bothering the both of you...If things don't get worked out then I really don't see how the two of you can be together...

 

I would not be thinking of marrying this girl no matter how perfect she is you will regret that decision down the road... You will change, what I mean is there is no way you will be happy with her...

 

Truthfully it sounds like your relationship lacks any passion and that is not good...Look at it this way If she totally cared about you she would want to see you be pleased and happy it is obvious this is not the case...

 

Sex once a month no way, for me I like it way to much...

[hardcharger]

>but the way I've handled it is partially mine in the fact that I waited until 2 years to start putting my foot down.

 

nope, you will never be able to put your foot down. your chance of a normal, healthy, long-term sex life is over if you marry this woman.

[redrose85]

I hate to say it... but the gf in this situation sounds a bit like me maybe this will give you a different view Irish.

 

I don't get horny often, and when I do, it's usually after my bf has done something that switches my mind off of the many things it's usually thinking about, over to sex. It's something I'm working on. We have sex probably... 2 times a week, and we're young like you and your gf, 20 and 21. Sometimes I feel extraordinarily guilty, and feel like I'm not giving him what he needs. He always tells me not to worry, I give him more than I know, we don't need to have sex all the time etc... I have found that what helps is sending dirty notes to each other, sexual innuendos, undies that I just can't wait to show off to him, etc... When we have sex, we both always enjoy it and really connect. I'm wondering if it is this way with you and your gf, if there is passion during sex, even if you don't get it often. I think it is more about quality, not quantity. We have sort of accepted that I have a low sex drive, and he has a high sex drive, and that's the way it is.

 

I've got to say though, it scares me thinking that if we get married (we hope to one day) it will end in divorce eventually due to the difference in sex drive. Do you think that if you married her, it would end in divorce? Can you deal with the differences between the two of you?

[arwen]

If a girl is truly into you, she would never say something like this. This is a solid indicator that there is a bigger problem here.

 

And the conversation doesn't sound like it's been completed. After her last line, I'd say something like "Don't you see that there's a big problem here between us?" But the way you handle it gives her the idea that it's not serious enough to you. That's why she doesn't take your concerns seriously, she just shrugs them off and goes on like nothing's wrong.

 

I think that is true. I was with a man who turned out to be asexual. He just didn't have a drive at all (no, he is not gay). For more information about this kind of non-libidoism, also see link removed

 

However, after we broke up, we stayed friends and he was very jealous of me having sex with a new bf. Not because he wanted to have sex, but he loved me, and the thought of me being intimate with someone else was killing him.

 

On the other hand, if it was ALWAYS like this, it could be that the whole issue is just very big now and that she's like 'I don't understand what's so great about sex, so if that makes him happy, maybe he can sleep with someone else'. If she is asexual - she could be but only she can tell that - sex just doesn't have that kind of meaning to her, because it doesn't give her 'that' feeling that makes us want to have sex in the first place.

 

Ilse

[quietgrl]

Lucky,

 

I know a married guy that's gone without for 10 years. The poor guy is severely disturbed and sorely tempted to cheat. My brother has gone even longer, and his wife sees no problem with it.

Don't assume she'll change for you. She may not like sex at all.

Save yourself.

 

You just wrote it's her fault.

I maintain it may just be who she is.

 

 

Duko,

 

I'm sorry but your post made me laugh.Hey i've went without sex for 36 years(rolling on the floor laughing).

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmmm.

 

Her attitude, your attitude.

 

Both need changing.

 

I suspect that her real sexual identity isn't coming through here. I'd even go so far as to say that she's found her way of controlling the relationship etc, and she's going to stick to it! She may also have problems believing anyone WANTS to eat her out etc. No matter what someone looks like, they can easily loathe their body.

 

And your good self...it's not a tragedy if one's girlfriend isn't wild on sex. I'm not wild on your generalizing attitude (*the type of girl every guy wants to marry*?!?), neither on your attempts to get what you want by merely mentioning it a lot (in the case of certain positions).

 

It doesn't look too good either way to be honest - either she is simply not a very sexual person, in which case you have to work out whether or not you can live with a low level of sex, OR she is withholding it as part of a power struggle way beyond what you've written.

 

You need to partake of much intelligent discussion to establish which scenario you're dealing with, and THEN how to deal with it.

[agent1607307371]

My first thought is what is the family she was raised in like?

 

When people have reactions like that to sex, a lot of the time it's what they've been taught, especially if they've been brought up in a religious family (though not always), and have really bought into it.

 

If she isn't open to councelling and isn't willing to discuss it then it's a good bet that she is never going to change on this point and you have to decide how important sex is to you.

[Royltnxile]

The thing is...I believe I'm going to marry her. We talk about marriage, etc.

 

But honestly.....would I be dumb to marry someone who I'm only having sex with almost once/month now? Doesn't it lessen once you're married?

 

Bottom line: I love this girl...but I need sex. When I tell her I need her to be more open about it...she gets immature and says "well if you need more sex get it somewhere else" (not being serious, in a sarcastic tone).

 

1) Rule out cheating.....I know she isn't

2) She wasn't molested/raped....brought that up before, and I'm sure of it

 

 

Marry her????? You should be running as fast as you can in the other direction! Unless of course you want to condemn yourself to a future of constant masturbation broken by a monthly few minutes of vanilla, plain, missionary, passion-less, and non fulfilling sex. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone as frigid and sexually repressed as she is? She sounds as if she "just lays there" on the rare occasion when she consents to sex...and to be honest, her aversion to oral sex, both giving and recieving strikes a note of horror to me! You say she is the "kind of girl any guy would want to marry...perfect body...etc..". Let me ask you something. What good is a "perfect body" if she has no interest in sex? Plus, I don't know too many guys who would "want to marry" a girl who detested oral sex.

 

You are clearly very unhappy with her lack of sex drive. You are neither satisfied, nor fulfilled...and it's evident that she cares very little about pleasing you or making an effort to meet your needs. This is about YOUR needs, YOUR future, and YOUR emotional well being. Put your needs first and think about what makes you happy. It's not going to get any better either. I wouldn't be so sure she doesn't have some kind of psychological disorder, or worse, don't rule out abuse or trauma in her past just because you asked her about it. Her aversion to sex is NOT normal.

 

Next time she suggests you "get it somewhere else", just look her in the eye and tell her that's exactly what you plan on doing. Tell her you want to see other people and suggest she do the same. Tell her the relationship isn't working, and tell her why it's not working. You know what you need to do and it's your choice. Stay with her and be unhappy, unfullfilled, miserable, resentful of her, and sexually frustrated...or move on to a more compatible partner who enjoys sex as much as you do. If you stay with her, it's only a matter of time before you begin cheating on her too. You will say you would never do that, but you will...(see the sentence above about "miserable", "resentful", and sexually frusrated).

 

I don't envy your position, but I think you know what you need to do. I'm curious as well why you've lasted 2 years with her if she's such an ice queen?

[wayne]

Keep this in mind: she will NOT let me eat her out or finger her.....claiming it's disgusting.

 

She's kidding right? It's too disgusting for you to put your finger in her, but she'll tolerate you putting your penis in there?

 

I'm sorry to say, this girl is bound and determined not to enjoy sex, at least with you. Why that is is an interesting question, but if she won't knock it off tout de suite, you do NOT want to condemn yourself to a lifetime of this crap. Who cares if you don't find anyone else? Porn is better than a partner that refuses to enjoy herself with you.

 

And why the hell does it matter to her what position you're in? Is she overweight, physically disabled, or unusually inflexible? If not, there is no good reason not to try out a new position, and her flat out refusal to do so can only be motivated by complete indifference to your enjoyment or an actual effort to minimize your enjoyment and pleasure. This is not the behavior of someone who truly loves you.

 

I'd take her at her word and find a playmate. Tell your girlfriend all about it. Get the playmate to leave her panties at your place. When your girlfriend * * * * *es, tell her you're going to get sex with a girl who wants it and if she doesn't like you doing that and doesn't want to be the girl that wants it, she knows where the door is. Rude? Maybe. But not as much as a deliberate effort to suck all the joy out of sex, which is what she's doing.