The Love-Shy Male

[Kevin T]

I know it's been a while since this got any replies, but I feel the need to bump this topic.

 

This applies to so many different men, and if they are not aware of their problem, then how can they ever change?

[Dako]

Admit you love women.

Stop scrutinizing women in minute detail looking for defects to justify keeping your heart in the closet.

Tell the waitress she's cute. Tell the co-worker she's hilarious.

Forget about yourself, make her smile with no expectation of anything.

Give a little.

[Kevin T]

Absolutely. Excellent advice, as usual.

 

It's not about the net result, but simply about applying one's self with a little elbow grease.

[lostjeff]

Admit you love women.

Stop scrutinizing women in minute detail looking for defects to justify keeping your heart in the closet.

 

Give a little.

 

 

Thats true...our scrutiny of others stems from our own insecurities and lack of confidence....you won't ask out that girl not because there is something wrong with her but because you hate yourself.

[Anelfinphile]

The test won't load for me. I fit the criteria listed in the post.

[Altruist]

I just felt the need to prop up this topic.

[MasterT]

Ha, I got a 29 on this test. I could of told you that.

 

I'm pretty fed up though with my own shyness. The words "F*** It" come to mind when I get shy nowadays. I should start listening to it and just do it.

[ActionJackson]

All apply except number 6. I got a 65 so yeah I'm shy. But I also took Sweet Buttabean Jellayrole's advice and worked up enough courage sit near to talk to a girl whom I like in some of my classes. Turns out if you just go up and talk to a girl and she isnt a rat then that barrier of shyness decintegrates with her.

[Leonhart]

I wonder what I'd get if I took this test NOW. I'm feeling pretty down on myself right now... let's see...

 

What shall you get, Kevin?

What shall you get?

 

...

 

60

 

Hmm, I'm slipping... (no surprises there). Oh well...

[Luke Skywalker]

Love-shyness and Involuntary Celibacy (even have a board on all these concepts out) are words that form the justification of going to low ends periodically in order to experience sexual intimacy (i.e. porn, strip clubs, consulting with prostitutes, seeking an adult hookup from the internet, sex tourism, etc...) - to me they form the political concepts to justify sin and are dangerous. Because there is always a person more desperate than yourself somewhere in the world.

 

You dont really have to be a virgin if you lower your standards enough to accept sex on any terms with anyone.

 

You dont have to worry about rejection if you go to a strip-club and women start hitting on you for a lap dance.

 

If you go to Thialand or Costa Rica or some other sexually liberal third world country - then you'll find allot of girls who will give you the time of day.

 

It all goes down to the bottom line, if you have money then you can get rid of love-shyness pretty easily since love-shyness is similar to just having no game, but with all the resources out there, it's possible to work on that.

 

newfounland Canada or some other place where women and people may be more friendlier than a busy urban and isolated city ??? (new one there)

 

************

 

Right now --- I keep all of these ideas somewhere in the recesses of my mind. I'm just interested in improving my game and meeting more people - but I know that there is always a choice that if I just want to lower my standards then there are always other ways of dealing with love-shyness.

[Leonhart]

No one is trying to justify sin (which was already dealt with in the past anyway). This is only to show most shy males that they have a SERIOUS problem, in need of some attention and help.

[Luke Skywalker]

No one is trying to justify sin (which was already dealt with in the past anyway). This is only to show most shy males that they have a SERIOUS problem, in need of some attention and help.

 

What's the serious problem - in terms of access to a positive experience with the opposite sex? Got news for you - collectively it's the people they have come into contact with during their life during their formative years and beyond that have made them like that. If you get enough negative reinforcements - guess what - you start believing it. Thus, if one seems to fall through the cracks all the time with the ladies - they dont see him as a man but rather as a 'friend' or some 'boy or even girl' in a man's body, then how is that going to affect someone's self-esteem or sense they can attract a girl - a girl that thinks of them like a man? The problem is I feel these concepts of 'love shy' and "involuntary celibacy" are more of a reflection of a failed masculinity more than anything else and that really stings at the core.

 

I never said anyone is trying to justify sin - I MEANT IF I WERE TO SIN - THOUGHTS LIKE THAT - LOVE-SHYNESS AND INVOLUNTARY CELIBACY WOULD PROBABLY FORM THE PREMISE OR RATIONISATION TO SIN FOR ME - OR AT LEAST TEST MY BOUNDARIES. But most people on here doesn't think sex is sinful, but some may have reservations against anonymous casual sex, but likely very few on pre-maritial sex in a monogamous relationship. My religious beliefs is that any form of sex outside of marriage is wrong.

[shy2cool]

I'm love shy and ugly.

 

look at my profile to see.

[Dako]

Shy, yes. Ugly, no.

Sorry, not even close.

[Leonhart]

But most people on here doesn't think sex is sinful, but some may have reservations against anonymous casual sex, but likely very few on pre-maritial sex in a monogamous relationship. My religious beliefs is that any form of sex outside of marriage is wrong.

 

Right. If it's sinful to you and you do it, then you'll certainly feel condemned.

[Luke Skywalker]

Right. If it's sinful to you and you do it, then you'll certainly feel condemned.

 

It's better than feeling condemned being 'Love-Shy' or "Involuntary Celibate".

 

(see there it goes again - bad concepts for me to think about - very subversive)

[Leonhart]

All I'm saying is even if something is not actually wrong, if we believe it is, then it will be sin to us.

[Altruist]

I suppose you read the 'Love-shy Male' book Tantalus? What do you think of the concept of a sexual surrogate lady as a form of treatment for love-shyness?

[Leonhart]

I suppose you read the 'Love-shy Male' book Tantalus? What do you think of the concept of a sexual surrogate lady as a form of treatment for love-shyness?

 

Abominable, at best.

 

Gilmartin also refers to reincarnation, auras and other mystic hogwash. I don't believe in any of that, so naturally some discretion must be used.

[andy12345]

Hey people..

Certainly how could stable women be attracted to someone who seems like a wuss, love shy or not?

 

So, instead of falling for first women that you see and being intense on them, you really do need to get yourself fit and strong, confident in yourself etc.

If you go to a gym and work out enough, you may see the signs of women, then again you might not.

 

You also need to try and round yourself out with male and female friends to gt in the social loop if not already.

 

Alternatively, try dating but be honest about your situation from beginning to end. Don't screw with her feelings lol.

 

 

I am 34, totally love shy, long term dysthymic, with inattentive ADHD and about 5 months ago I started visiting the docs/counsellors to try and nail down my probs. It was only about 1 month ago that I found dysthymia and love shyness. I also seem to have suffered from love and touch deprivation as welll.

 

 

so I know exactly what it feels like and I have not touched so much as a womans fingernail lol.

 

be strong in yourself. (like I can't be lol!!!!!!!!)

[Ramm Zwei]

As a self proclaimed "love-shy" and frequent member at the link removed forums, I can see that by reading most of the stuff written on this thread, that most of you have no idea what it's like and if you do and are still optimistic, then either you are young or are deluding yourself into thinking that you still have a chance and I don't blame you. But come and read a few threads over there and you will be quick to realize that not only are most of us critical of the more pseudo-scientific portions of Gilmartin's research, but that after years of hearing the same cliche advice that is being given on this very same thread or heck, on this entire board, then chances are that those who have never had to go through what most of has have been through just don't know what the hell they are talking about.

[shygal2008]

But if you KNOW she wants you and is after you what is stopping you really???

 

Is that you are too inexperienced to know how to be intimate..what to do with a woman or say to get the ball rolling?

 

Are you afraid she will abandon you when she sees how afraid you are being alone with her how scary it is for you..is it that the ultimate fear?

 

Or is it that you are just so afraid of it ALL; sex..touching, kissing, etc.

 

Can a man really be afraid of a woman that way, even one he is REALLY attracted to?

 

Thanks

[jaycee00]

I was this man 2 years ago. Now I'm just half this man. Still rarely go out socially with women, still suffer due to a lack of female companionship, still anxiety ridden though not to the point where striking a meaningful relationship is impossible, and I don't really care about my male friendships in the least.

 

All I can say is that it starts with you believing in your own power to change. Really, really believing.

 

After that...you need to attack it from every different angle. Improve your self-image, destroy as many self-defeating beliefs as possible, make more friends, and thrust yourself into that fear ridden situation over and over again. I know, easier said than done. But everything else can be done with ease compared to the anxiety you face...such as working out, buying new clothes, and re-thinking yourself.

 

Make no mistake...you may not see results for a long long time, but you need to congratulate yourself for every bit of progress you make, like any other tough challenge you might face. Keep it in your mind that resistance to anxiety can be built, just like a muscle.

[Ramm Zwei]

But if you KNOW she wants you and is after you what is stopping you really???

 

Is that you are too inexperienced to know how to be intimate..what to do with a woman or say to get the ball rolling?

 

Are you afraid she will abandon you when she sees how afraid you are being alone with her how scary it is for you..is it that the ultimate fear?

 

Or is it that you are just so afraid of it ALL; sex..touching, kissing, etc.

 

Can a man really be afraid of a woman that way, even one he is REALLY attracted to?

 

Thanks

 

Well I'm glad I'm not the type that is afraid of intimacy or sex or kissing. I've kissed a few girls and if given the opportunity I wouldn't pass up sex either (like if that was ever going to happen!) My fears were initially that I was afraid of making a fool of myself somehow so on the few dates I have gone out on it was always the girl who somehow made it known that she wanted to go out with me.

 

Then there is the fear of phone conversation. At first I thought that I got rid of it but then the last time I went out with a girl it took me two whole weeks to call her after freaking out every time her voice mail came out. I also don't read body language very well and when I do catch it either it's too late or I don't know how to react. I remember several times when women would try to chat me up and I would either not respond because I just didn't feel attracted to them or I did find them attractive but I have nothing interesting to say so the conversation dies and I end up kicking myself in the pants. I also find it extremely difficult to say "hi", "please" and "excuse me" hence why I may appear rude.

 

Then I realized that I'm a quite person by nature and hate talking unless I'm with close friends/family or it's absolutely necessary. So unless it's to ask about something, get any business done or order something from a restaurant, I will absolutely not make any small talk. Mild social phobia that has served me well. I say that Because I just realized that I'm too far gone to ever be considered normal. It doesn't help that I hold some very extreme ideas that are considered "unpopular" by the mainstream.

[shygal2008]

Thats great that you are all making some progress and that you want to TRY especially if women are approaching you, thats got to take some of the anxiety and fear away from it for you.

 

 

Wherever there's hope..there's life.