The Love-Shy Male

[CaseOfInsanity]

Good thread, I'm one of those that apply to all the criteria sadly.

 

As a self proclaimed "love-shy" and frequent member at the link removed forums, I can see that by reading most of the stuff written on this thread, that most of you have no idea what it's like...

 

You hit the nail on the head.

 

I find that most people understand the symptoms of love shy males.

 

But most of those people don't bring much insight to the cause of the problem and the solution for it.

 

Like everything in life I realize it's something that will take some time to change and thereforee good insightful knowledge is needed.

[MattW]

I tried taking that test that was linked to in the first post, but it wouldn't load for me, for some reason. I'm sure I'd probably score pretty low, though. Most of the "criteria" listed off in the first post DOES apply to me, though, with a couple notable exceptions... I'm not "desperate" for a girlfriend in the sense that I'd be an absolute door mat, I'm more "desperate" in the sense that I'd REALLY like that kind of companionship, but I feel a bit hopeless and have almost given up on the possibility that I might find some one some day. That and, I'm actually more "shy" around other males, than I am around girls. I mean, it's not like night and day for me, but I've found I'm generally a bit more open and less nervous around girls.

 

Last night was a good example of this; typically, when I'm at work, I end up getting shifts with mostly other male coworkers, and I'm not usually all that expressive on those days. But last night, I got to work a shift with the female manager and the female assistant manager, both of which are really nice, and I kinda found myself talking a bit more, and letting a little bit of my personality out a bit more. The only time I really clammed up is when those two, along with the two guys I was working with last night, were talking about when they all went out drinking together with some other people (which is apparently a regular thing for them). 'Cuz, ya know, I'm not 21 yet, so it's not like I can chime in on that. I felt a little left out, though... Hm. Maybe when I turn 21 later this year, I can get in on that group? Heh.

[simon mulligan]

I think I am love-shy, scored 40 on the test. Am glad that I discovered that site, Gilmartin's research is intresting.

[shygal2008]

Its great advice from jaycee00 keep throwing yourself out there..put yourself in the situation with the girl (or girls) and face your anxiety head on AND congratulate yourself for the effort and small progress each day TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE WORTH IT and it should get easier as you see some results and hopefully the fear will subside.

[G3LesPaul]

Im glad you posted this because this could not be anymore like me. Everything talked about on that website reflects me.

[shygal2008]

What is it you feel that holds you back...anxiety, fear, inexperience, etc? What is it you want thats not currently happening for you...do you make the attempts towards women you like or do you not even try bcuz you physically can't bring yourself to that point?

[OverThrown]

39.

 

high score?

[shygal2008]

I have no idea about tests or scores!

[rogalik]

Hi!

I'm new here and I'm pretty convinced that I am love-shy (maybe borderline). I scored 68. I was regarding myself as completely unattractive to women (well, I had been given some hints it's not the case but unfortunately I haven't helped myself with them), until yesterday. Well, here's what happened:

I was in library, checking something in a computer. A gorgeous girl (and I mean it, noticed her promptly) walked in and went to return a book or something. Then she came to a computer screen in front of me so that we stood face to face, at about 1,5 meter distance. There were 30 or something computers there... I felt I was chosen. She was wearing a necklace. She reached for it between her breasts, under her shirt... then put in on the shirt. I of course felt that she's teasing me to answer, but I was paralyzed... "what the fck..? what should I do now?" - my thoughts were of this pattern. I leaned forward - she leaned forward. Well, things were intense, at least for me.

Then, she walked away.

I was like "FCK! My life chance is slipping away...". But I did nothing. Just left the building.

Now I'm reliving this all the time, and cursing myself about being such a jerk. Am I an idiot? I don't see other solutions. I'm stressed and sad.

My problem is that instead of actually DOING things, I think about all the implications it might bring forth. Is there any hope?

 

Oh, and that's the answer for all those who say that women don't do first moves...

[intellyguy]

I scored 20. Can anyone beat that...

[Organs]

Are you genuinely interested in helping out shy males, or are you just peddling a book?

[LightbulbSun]

I post infrequently on the link removed forums, but I find it scary there. All those guys hate women so much!

 

I sometimes wonder if there's another forum, other than the incel forum, that would be better tailored to my 'oddness.' After all, I'm definitely odd...it's not normal to be a 27 year old virgin who runs away from girls he finds attractive.

 

Regardless, I'm definitely love shy. Read the book, and it was like reading my own life story. As to how I can beat it, I don't know. I'm interested in this girl online right now, find her attractive, but I'm afraid of messaging her (we're friends on Facebook), because she'll say, "Eww, get away from me, creep!"

 

(Yeah, I know, it's not what will universally happen. But it's been pretty much clear that women think of me only as "the friend", and that there's a line drawn. I don't come off sexually appealing, so even if they care about me, they never would cross that line. It sucks.)

[Bluesman89]

I can't seem to find the test on that site. Can anyone tell me exactly where it is?

[shygal2008]

LightBulbSun....CAN I ASK HOW YOU KNOW All WOMEN WOULD FEEL THIS WAY?

 

Now say for instance you knew a girl was interested for sure..why keep a distance from her, especially if you are attracted to her and she could be someone special? Maybe she is shy as well and feels exactly the way you do..why run from her?

 

Can you explain what goes through your mind and where you think it comes from? All thoughs are rooted in something and come from somewhere; past experience, negative environment, etc?

 

 

What makes a man run from a woman he finds attractive and wants to be with???? Are you like this with ALL attractive women...or just the ones you develop feelings for?

 

 

 

I'm just curious...

[LightbulbSun]

LightBulbSun....CAN I ASK HOW YOU KNOW All WOMEN WOULD FEEL THIS WAY?

 

Now say for instance you knew a girl was interested for sure..why keep a distance from her, especially if you are attracted to her and she could be someone special? Maybe she is shy as well and feels exactly the way you do..why run from her?

 

Can you explain what goes through your mind and where you think it comes from? All thoughs are rooted in something and come from somewhere; past experience, negative environment, etc?

 

 

What makes a man run from a woman he finds attractive and wants to be with???? Are you like this with ALL attractive women...or just the ones you develop feelings for?

 

 

 

I'm just curious...

 

The answer is, I have no answer. I know it's irrational, I know that I probably should have made a move...but that's always when I'm home, sitting and pondering over the day. When I'm actually in the moment, I don't recognize that. I run away from an attractive woman, the same way that a mouse would run away from a cat, or a bird would run away from a cat.

 

And the thing is, it's not always girls that I develop feelings for. Sometimes it's just based on looks. I actually don't run away once I develop feelings for a girl, but by that time, I'm always friendzoned. I've never had a girl, who has gotten to know me for an extended period of time, felt the same way about me that I do about her. She always struggles to make up an imaginary boyfriend.

 

And I recognize that it's not my looks...at least, not completely. It's my personality. If I was more sexually aggressive, then I'd have more luck...but I get embarrassed even mentioning the word 'sex' to my friends, let alone showing my sexual side in front of a girl that I'm attracted to. If I was behind a computer screen, I can fantasize about her while looking at pics...but if I actually was in a situation that would lead to romance, or sexual intimacy, I fall into pieces. I can masturbate to porn, but I could never date a pornstar. I can fantasize about a celebrity, but I could never actually date them, even if we got along. I'd be the one friendzoning HER, or running away, just so that I wouldn't have to face up to the reality that she might actually like me back, and that I have to let my guard down.

 

In general, I sabotage myself, because I'm afraid of letting someone in. And I'm also afraid of being hurt.

[shygal2008]

Is that what it is, IF she likes you then she'd have to see the real you? You'd have to let your guard down and actually let her inside your heart????

 

I am asking bcuz in my experience when a shy man seems afraid to get close to me or does the staring, following, jumping to help when i need something, etc. all i see is a frightened person who becomes preoccupied with NOT looking bad in front of me.

 

He seems so worried on one hand that i may thuink badly of him..goes out of his way to let me NOT see him negatively or let me down in some way. But then with everyone else he seems calm, easy going..sarcastic even not caring what they think of him even the other pretty girls in the building..he's not jumpy or worried and doesn't seem to watch them ever!!!!!!!!!

 

I just wonder if its having a bad view of yourself..worried that SHE may see you in a bad light even when YOU KNOW SHE LIKES YOU maybe that just puts more pressure on you????

 

 

Thanks

[LightbulbSun]

You know, this actually brings up a good point, and it's something I'll bring up in therapy.

 

I guess I am afraid that she'll see the real me. The person who's not perfect, who has insecurities and is not always a straight arrow person. Someone who might not agree with every viewpoint that she has, and actually fears that by not doing so, he might be tossed aside.

 

I think this is also why I'm such a 'nice guy.' And also why I'm afraid to show my sexual side. I view sexuality as a weakness, as in by showing her that I appreciate her sexually, that I am showing myself as a weak person who only desires that.

 

I was raised to be a gentleman, and to appreciate women for more than their bodies. So therefore, when I appreciate a girl for her body, there's a disconnection. I feel like scum for doing it, and I feel like SHE will think I'm scum for doing it.

 

Lots of women toss around the 'all men are dogs' viewpoint, yet they sleep with guys that are scum. Much worse than me. So maybe the key is to show my weakness, and let my guard down? After all, the bad boy doesn't worry about what the girl thinks about him...he just acts on instinct. My problem is overthinking...I overthink everything, and that leads to me not acting on impulse, even if I really do want to ask that girl out.

[shygal2008]

I'm glad i touched on something that can help you

 

I always felt that the REVEAL of ones self is what hurt a lot of love shy men, They are so convinced the girl won't like the real them and bcuz of it become so self conscious and afraid!!! The over thinking i can see as well..the fear you said or did something wrong and that she will no longer want you...hmmm....

 

 

I didn't relaize about the sexual part..so thanks for telling me that!!!!!!

 

And how wanting a girl in that way makes you feel or how you view what she'll feel. I can't tell you how many times i have caught my shy guy looking at me (he's a butt man apparently..lol) and how many times he tries to play it cool, but i've seen him completely turn his neck when i walk by and and just stop and stare until i walk away..i will always look back at some point before i turn the corner and snap--he's caught..i just smile!!!!!

 

Maybe thats where the fea and nervousness come from, he feels badly for having those feelings..but they are niormal for a man in his 30's! He stares at my face when i talk/look/smile at others but if i look a him directly its harder for him!!!!

 

Its always brief and he always has his head down afterwards as he'll be walking away, its hard not to catch him doing it!!!!! The thing is he never seems to do it with others..i've tried to see it happening and he doesn't do it to the other women.

 

The staring from afar is an everyday occurrence...accross the cafeteria at work...but its more like he pretends to talk to someone else..but just stares in my directon the entire time not even looking at the other person....

 

Honestly, i don't know what he is thinking exactly but i wonder if he's trying to get comfortable wth hs feelings OR TALK HIMSELF INTO DOING SOMETHING>>> Maybe??? Possibly????

 

He will also do this 'BIG SIGH' thing alot when he walks by me..puts his head down and sadly ''sighs'' that makes me sad for him and me when he does it

[Jake]

LightbulbSun how long have you gone to therapy if you don't mind me asking? Reason I ask is I can relate to what you're writing & I've never gotten checked out for anything partially out of embarrassment.....

[LightbulbSun]

Yeah, you touched a lot on how shy men act, especially love shy men.

 

Like, for example, a girl that I find 'cute', but I'm not really into, I can converse with her fine. Or someone that I find out is pretty, but a bit mean. I'll look, but I won't even consider being in a relationship with her...so it's strictly look but don't touch.

 

Then there are the girls that I can really imagine myself being in a relationship with. That we have similar interests, our personalities mesh (we get along well), and I find her incredibly attractive. However, there's also a disconnection, because, without fail, every single time I'm given the boyfriend excuse. Even if I find out later that there's no boyfriend.

 

You know, this is one thing that a lot of girls need to know about guys: We get hurt by rejection, but lies hurt worse than the truth. If she says that she has a boyfriend, and then later on I see them together, I wish her well and I let her go. On the other hand, if later on I find it's a lie made up to not hurt me, I get even hurt worse in the process. I'd rather have her say, "Sorry, I just don't feel that way about you", rather than having her invent an excuse that makes her look better, and in turn makes me feel worse when I find out.

 

But yeah, the sigh comes from feeling like the girl is so beautiful, and you'll never be able to be with her. Hence, frustration.

[LightbulbSun]

Jake, I've been in therapy in some form or another since I was 13. It wasn't until a few years ago that I brought up my anxiety issues, and wasn't until 2 years ago that I brought up my issues with women and shyness in therapy.

 

My therapist suggested for me to try an online dating site. However, I haven't had much luck with that. I guess it would work for people who are obviously very attractive, and have good profile writing skills, but what am I supposed to say? "Hi, I'm LightbulbSun, and I've never been on a date and I'm a virgin. If you like XYZ, contact me?"

 

I have a profile up right now, and while I try to come off as having experience, I just can't help but think that women can see right through that. Also, because I'm average looking, I don't get any bites.

 

I'm growing out a beard so that I can look more manly, and therefore increase my appeal. Maybe a beard will make me look more attractive to the opposite sex? Otherwise, I just look too feminine.

[shygal2008]

Thanks..you've been helpful. You gave me some new things to think about.

 

I hope i have helped as well

[bruinsy81]

I am skeptical when it is suggested that ''love shyness'' is considered a disorder.I think you should focus on trying to overcome your shyness/anxiety.Focus on the solution.Very shy people can get into relationships,I see it often.The traditional approach [going out to a bar] just isn't going to work for a shy male,look at other alternatives.

[LightbulbSun]

I am skeptical when it is suggested that ''love shyness'' is considered a disorder.I think you should focus on trying to overcome your shyness/anxiety.Focus on the solution.Very shy people can get into relationships,I see it often.The traditional approach [going out to a bar] just isn't going to work for a shy male,look at other alternatives.

 

I agree. And probably online dating won't, either, since I'm not a looker.

 

So my alternatives are community volunteer groups, book clubs, college organizations, etc.

[Jake]

Yea I tried online dating for about a week and a half on POF. Honestly, I only had the guts to put up ONE picture. I never messaged any girls and I eventually deleted my account.

 

I think what I really have to do is just get out there and try approaching a girl I find extremely attractive because I'm so closed off it feels suffocating at times.