The Love-Shy Male

[Bluesman89]

Bluesman89 ....sounds like you've had women in your life you've dated doesn't that help your self esteem at all? Knowing a girls or girls has wanted to date you and desired you in the past? And, did you feel nervous and anxious with those girls?

 

If you really were attracted to them, how did you get over your love shyness to date them? Have you ever dated a woman you didn't like a lot...and was it easier if you did?

Okay well I better be more specific here as I wasn't too clear. There were two girls that clearly expressed interest in me (which their friends confirmed) during secondary school, but due to my extreme shyness it didn't really get anywhere with either of them. Basically we entered 'going out status', and that was it.

 

With the first one, I/we were a bit younger (I was maybe 15), and the girl had broken up with my best friend. Prior to this, I had been chatting to her on the phone for hours almost every night for months. When she broke up with my friend (or maybe it was the other way round I dunno) I asked her out, which she agreed to. Went to see a movie with ther (accompanied by her friend..) and that was it after that. It's hard to remember the reason, I guess I was just hit with overwhelming fear and couldn't continue it.

 

Then on to the second girl. I had known this girl vaguely through a close female friend of mine who lived on my street. As I said she was a year older than me (17 I believe) and very attractive so I never would have even considered the possibility that she was interested in me, but this soon became the case. I got a 'tip off' from my female friend that the girl had just got dumped by her boyfriend and that I should call her and ask her out. So I did just that and it was a success. It was destined to be a disaster though. Basically this girl was a very outgoing, social person who was always with her friends. I was willing to meet up and do things with her but every time, she brought her friends along, which I couldn't handle. She didn't like the fact and got angry that I wasn't willing to do things with her, when the reality was that I did want to, just not with all her friends about. So in the end I broke up with her, instantly regretting it afterwards.

 

So yeah as you can see, though I may have gotten more interest then, my issues were there, possibly to the same severity as they are now. It's just that once I had confirmed interest I was capable of pursuing the girls. Thats the only difference. These days it's not like that. I dunno if I've just become less attractive physically since back then or what..

[shygal2008]

Jake...so did you say there is nothing a girl could do to get you to trust her or take a chance with her..what could make you let your guard down even a little? Not sure if you answered that in your last response

 

I also want to say about your feelings..you just haven't met the right girl. I know for myself and A few other women that they too feel things deeply and long for THE ONE (the older you get the more you look for emotional connections i think) and yesssss its so difficult to open up and be yourself, show all your scars and battle wounds BUT its not living if you are not putting yourself out there and opening up to that special someone...taking a chance and trusting them with your heart!!!!! Believe me i know, its difficult and can be verrrrrrry painful (i have experienced disappointment as well..like everyone) but to me its so worth it if you think this person is THE ONE..i just wanted to say that DON'T GIVE UP - YOU ARE YOUNG!!!!! Not all wolves appear in sheeps clothing...remember that.

 

 

oK, could you ever date just any girl?

 

 

It seems all this sadness and anxiety surfaces if you think SHE'S IT..THE ONE exactly what you've been looking for....but what about others girls....attractive, nice, girls..are you talking just the girls you have fallen for or COULD YOU POSSIBLY date someone if you were not head over heels?

 

Just curious, could a man be love shy with ONE girl only..or is this definitley an EVERY GIRL I LIKE THING for you?

 

 

Thanks!

[Curious_Girl]

I feel emotionally threated by her. I bare my own burdens, my own emotional pain and my own worries. If a girl came along like that...where I thought she could truly be the one. I'd have to eventually (as the relationship progressed) open up 100% to her.

 

I'm afraid of what I'd say, what I'd do......what she'd think of me then. Would she think I was weak? Would she use how I truly am to her own advantage?

 

What do you consider "weak"? Your sensitivity? It is not a weakness, although I know it is commonly perceived as such. I myself have, in that past, wished that I were not a sensitive person, bcuz I think my life would be a lot easier if I were not. but it is a quality that makes a person empathetic and compassionate, and the world needs people like that. It is, I would imagine, harder for a man bcuz you are "supposed" to be emotionally strong all the time. When a lot of women say that want a sensitive man, they seem to mean a man who will undertand her, love babies and puppies, not need her support emotionally. But that's what sensitivity is, and there are women out there who are as emotional as you, and who will not only accept that about you, but love you for it.

 

I ask myself, when the times comes, can I truly trust someone to that level?

 

I feel weak saying this but I'd be afraid to do that, terrified really, but at the same time it's something my heart never stops yearning for. It just doesn't stop...I've tried everything to suppress my feelings in the past. The result was suicidal thoughts, I was self destructive and careless toward my own safety.

 

Jake, it IS scary, very scary, not just for you. You will, at some point, just have to decide which is more important to you: staying safe or making that connection? That really is what it comes down to.

 

If anything, a girl who was feminine, delicate, petite with a gentle but strong personality would be someone I could fall in love with.

However, to specifically answer your question, I'd feel threatened by her because how potentially bad she could emotionally destroy me.

 

I've found that appearances can be deceiving no matter how great she may "appear" to be. Sadly so far, the few women I've crushed on in my life have proven this to me in one way or another.

 

I can very much relate to this, but as I said above, it's a risk you have to take if you want to have that connection. I really do understand how hard it is, and I have had to work very hard to get where I am. I just have to suck up the fear. For me, praying helps because I figure if I ask God what to do, he won't lead me wrong. Not that I always hear right. Or listen. ](*,)

 

Now....I'm going to "flip" perspective and say that if I did meet a fantastic women that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I'd have serious issues accepting that I even remotely deserve a better half such as her. I'm a mess, I'm too weak and she could realisticly find someone better. Enough said.

 

This is self-esteem/self-worth. Why do you say you're a mess? Have you ever been in therapy? Maybe there is some kind of program at your school where you could see someone for free.

 

I'm still young and for the moment I still cling to what hope I have left of finding such a girl. But I'd imagine, as I get older I'll eventually accept my situation for what it is.

 

Jake, from everything I've read on here, you sound like an amazing guy. I really mean that. You are smart, articulate, caring, kind, genuine, and even funny! That woman WILL come along, but it may take a long time. It might be 10 years before you meet her. But you will. When it's the right time for you and for her, you will meet. Believe it.

 

 

How could she help me if she doesn't know what I'm going through if I don't tell her? I'm not obvious about how I truly am. On the outside, I'm a happy, outgoing and a pretty friendly guy and for the most part this is true about my life. It's just not...when it comes to all of this mess we're talking about.

 

I think ShyGal wanted some tips!

[shygal2008]

Curious Girl AWESOME POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aries73]

I've always been of the belief that if I am attracted to a female, chances are good she's already taken and probably lives for the chance to shoot me down like an F-16 in enemy skies. Why take any more chances?

 

Seriously, how often can a man be kicked to the curb before he stops trying altogether and hopes a woman comes to him and at least gives him a signal that she won't torpedo his advance?

[Jake]

Jake...so did you say there is nothing a girl could do to get you to trust her or take a chance with her..what could make you let your guard down even a little? Not sure if you answered that in your last response.

 

Sorry I didn't answer your question kind of on purpose. >_

 

I'm assuming shygal, you have someone you're interested in? If that's the case then my advice would be to actively engage him. Reciprocate what he does for you and initiate conversation the next day after he's talked to you.

 

Basically keep "raising the bar" of interaction by showing interest and just being friendly towards him. Pretend you want to become his best friend.

 

 

 

I also want to say about your feelings..you just haven't met the right girl. I know for myself and A few other women that they too feel things deeply and long for THE ONE (the older you get the more you look for emotional connections i think) and yesssss its so difficult to open up and be yourself, show all your scars and battle wounds BUT its not living if you are not putting yourself out there and opening up to that special someone...taking a chance and trusting them with your heart!!!!! Believe me i know, its difficult and can be verrrrrrry painful (i have experienced disappointment as well..like everyone) but to me its so worth it if you think this person is THE ONE..i just wanted to say that DON'T GIVE UP - YOU ARE YOUNG!!!!! Not all wolves appear in sheeps clothing...remember that.

 

I've been wanting that connection since I was 17 years old. Granted, who can really find true love at that age (with the exception of high school sweet hearts)! Still, I am frustrated by this point even though I'm still young because you're right, I haven't found that girl yet. Everybody at my age seems to throw caution to the wind and just go have fun, get wasted...ect.

 

I'm not saying there aren't girls my age who are mature, nice, smart, attractive and ambitious about life.... Problem is, I can't find any of them.

 

 

 

oK, could you ever date just any girl?

 

If I find her attractive and she's a good girl, sure, why not? If you're referring to just casually dating someone or dating multiple women then no, I'm not that kind of guy.

 

 

 

It seems all this sadness and anxiety surfaces if you think SHE'S IT..THE ONE exactly what you've been looking for....but what about others girls....attractive, nice, girls..are you talking just the girls you have fallen for or COULD YOU POSSIBLY date someone if you were not head over heels?

 

Yes I would date an attractive, nice girl even if I wasn't head over heels into her. Thing is, those are the girls I'm normally head over heels for!

 

The issue is all the girls I've ever wanted to date "seemed" to be nice and then I'd find out (from observing her) that she's either immature, she can't get over her ex, has a bf, is dating a manger twice her age or that she's actually a backstabbing type person.

 

 

I've learned that no matter how she looks or acts, my perceptions can be deceiving because I like her!

 

 

 

Just curious, could a man be love shy with ONE girl only..or is this definitley an EVERY GIRL I LIKE THING for you?

 

 

Thanks!

 

I've only crushed on 3 girls in my life and with all of them I was love shy. Those girls made my heart skip a beat and my hands shake. Now... I'm sure for every shy guy out there different circumstances bring on different reactions.

 

As for myself, if I see a random girl and I find her attractive I am love shy and I would never do the cold approach. However, I haven't totally lost my composure yet because she might have a horrible personality and I wouldn't want to date her anyway by that point!

 

My shyness, anxiety and worries only "build" when it's a girl I admire not only for her beauty, but specfically because she looks like such an amazing person overall! Once I'm crushing that badly, I'd want nothing more than to get to know her more and to ask her out.

 

Issue is by that point, I'm crushing on her so hard I can't even think what 2 + 2 equals when she's around.....

 

 

 

What do you consider "weak"? Your sensitivity? It is not a weakness, although I know it is commonly perceived as such. I myself have, in that past, wished that I were not a sensitive person, bcuz I think my life would be a lot easier if I were not. but it is a quality that makes a person empathetic and compassionate, and the world needs people like that. It is, I would imagine, harder for a man bcuz you are "supposed" to be emotionally strong all the time. When a lot of women say that want a sensitive man, they seem to mean a man who will undertand her, love babies and puppies, not need her support emotionally. But that's what sensitivity is, and there are women out there who are as emotional as you, and who will not only accept that about you, but love you for it.

 

Yes my sensitivity... and everything else revolving around it. Basically, I look in the mirror and I see a problem, a defect.....me.

 

Your words, are the thoughts I've had for along time. I struggle and continue struggling accepting it.

 

Some days... I despise myself, I can't sand myself and other days I'm okay with myself.

 

 

 

Jake, it IS scary, very scary, not just for you. You will, at some point, just have to decide which is more important to you: staying safe or making that connection? That really is what it comes down to.

 

Yes that is what it ultimately comes down to and I've decided that I want the connection for some time now. I refuse to just curl up into a ball and give up. It's just hard, every attempt I've done has ended in failure. I need patience, something I greatly lack and I know it lol!

 

 

 

I can very much relate to this, but as I said above, it's a risk you have to take if you want to have that connection. I really do understand how hard it is, and I have had to work very hard to get where I am. I just have to suck up the fear. For me, praying helps because I figure if I ask God what to do, he won't lead me wrong. Not that I always hear right. Or listen. ](*,)

 

Yes, I've had to suck up that fear toward a lot of things in life, so far it's made me a stronger person. My life is ever changing and at times it's so fast I wish I was just a kid, when things were simple. I find strength in prayer too, it keeps me in one piece but like you, I don't always listen or hear...

 

 

 

This is self-esteem/self-worth. Why do you say you're a mess? Have you ever been in therapy? Maybe there is some kind of program at your school where you could see someone for free.

 

I am a mess, look what I'm posting hahahahaha!!! I wouldn't be single or so unstable if I wasn't messed up. I don't know why I am the way I am but to answer your question, no I haven't been to therapy. I couldn't bare going to vent such things as this. Not to mention I'd die of humiliation if my parents found out. ENA is my diary in a way and it's where I blow a gasket or two when I'm feeling like crap......

 

 

 

Jake, from everything I've read on here, you sound like an amazing guy. I really mean that. You are smart, articulate, caring, kind, genuine, and even funny! That woman WILL come along, but it may take a long time. It might be 10 years before you meet her. But you will. When it's the right time for you and for her, you will meet. Believe it.

 

CG I'll be honest, whenever somebody compliments me, in my mind I'm scoffing and thinking, "YEAH RIGHT!!!" I have a hard time taking compliments but I thank you none the less for the kind words CG.

 

I just hope I don't have to wait 10 years, I think it'll be too late for me by then to be honest.

 

 

 

I think ShyGal wanted some tips!

 

Hehehe I realize that now! I hope I answered well enough in this post!

 

 

-Jake

[SA_Guy99]

This thread enticed me to register. I haven't read it all, only what's been posted recently. For the record, I am 26, male (obviously lol) and I am completely void of any experience, emotionally or physically, with a woman. Hopefully the view from my end will add to the information based on experience that is here. Jake is doing a fantastic job of explaining a lot as well.

 

Part of it is venting on my part, as I am going through a bit of a life crisis right now (this and other issues). Something needs to change for me and I have a recent feeling that it has to be soon or it will be never.

 

LightBulbSun....CAN I ASK HOW YOU KNOW All WOMEN WOULD FEEL THIS WAY?

 

Now say for instance you knew a girl was interested for sure..why keep a distance from her, especially if you are attracted to her and she could be someone special? Maybe she is shy as well and feels exactly the way you do..why run from her?

 

Can you explain what goes through your mind and where you think it comes from? All thoughs are rooted in something and come from somewhere; past experience, negative environment, etc?

 

 

What makes a man run from a woman he finds attractive and wants to be with???? Are you like this with ALL attractive women...or just the ones you develop feelings for?

 

 

 

I'm just curious...

 

Speaking as somebody who love-shyness describes to a tee... I run because it's my instinct. I grew up without many friends. I was always awkward socially, and with girls for one reason or another, the anxiety was 100 times worse.

 

The best way I can explain it, is that for things like dating, relationships and sex, it's like one of those things that you see in movies that doesn't happen to real people. It sounds weird, but that's what I can come up with.

 

Is that what it is, IF she likes you then she'd have to see the real you? You'd have to let your guard down and actually let her inside your heart????

 

I am asking bcuz in my experience when a shy man seems afraid to get close to me or does the staring, following, jumping to help when i need something, etc. all i see is a frightened person who becomes preoccupied with NOT looking bad in front of me.

 

He seems so worried on one hand that i may thuink badly of him..goes out of his way to let me NOT see him negatively or let me down in some way. But then with everyone else he seems calm, easy going..sarcastic even not caring what they think of him even the other pretty girls in the building..he's not jumpy or worried and doesn't seem to watch them ever!!!!!!!!!

 

I just wonder if its having a bad view of yourself..worried that SHE may see you in a bad light even when YOU KNOW SHE LIKES YOU maybe that just puts more pressure on you????

 

We are afraid to look bad in front of women. Obviously it's an irrational fear, but the root of the fear is that one small mistake will make her stop liking me and run for the hills.

 

I am skeptical when it is suggested that ''love shyness'' is considered a disorder.I think you should focus on trying to overcome your shyness/anxiety.Focus on the solution.Very shy people can get into relationships,I see it often.The traditional approach [going out to a bar] just isn't going to work for a shy male,look at other alternatives.

 

I think love-shyness should absolutely be a recognized disorder. Granted, most of the guys fitting the description, myself included, likely has general/social anxiety and probably depression as a result. That said, with my social anxiety, I can get through most social situations rather unscathed.... as long as there is not a girl I like among the group. If I know there a girl I like in advance, I will bail. If I see her when I show up to the social event, I will find my way out as quick as I can. That goes above and beyond my social anxiety.

 

The BIG mistake shy men make is when they sense a nice gal likes them they won't do anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!! You lose your opportunity that way to be happy!!!! I cans ee being afraid to take a chance on a woman you are not sure of but if a girl is giving you the signs and is showing you she's interested you must go for it!!!!!

 

At least for myself, I can't see "signs". I've read so much information about what these "signs" are, but when it comes to actually trying to read a girl for them, I can't. I have no explanation for it other than my mind is completely blank. I literally cannot think. It's like being hypnotized into limbo. My advice to girls who like even a mildly shy guy, and it is hypocritical advice I know, but you have to tell him. It's the only way he will know.

 

So i am assuming you've never taken a girl out or spent anytime alone with a girl you are attracted to..have you ever tried with someone that you ARE not ATRRACTED TO?

 

Someone you thought was nice and a good person..just a friend or even just someone you've said hello to and could possibly strike up a conversation with?

 

It seems to me that the love shyness comes from ''romantic love'' those nervous feelings of excitement and a stromg yearning for someone you see yourself with long term; as a lover, girlfriend, wife even...how about starting with just a female...any female your age? This way the romantic feelings don't get in the way and you can just start with being comfortable with a woman? What do you think?

 

You can then graduate to a girl you have special feelings for..and as afar as showing them or telling them there are ways a shy man can do that but it needs to be with a certain type of girl. I think you should concentrate on just saying hello and getting comfortable just being in the presence of a cute girl..maybe not your type, not your dream girl...but thats ok, at least she's female..lol..does that make sense?

 

It makes sense, but it won't work, at least not with me. The point where the love-shyness comes in, is not because she's female. It's because she's somebody I am attracted to.

 

Can I ask - there is a lot of emphasis on female beauty in this thread... how important is this to the love-shy male? It's just that it seems extremely important, in fact even more so than to a non love-shy.

 

It is ridiculously important. I need to be attracted to a woman to even entertain the thought of being with her romantically or sexually.

 

The only positive thing I can hang onto regarding my situation, is that if I ever do find "the one", she will be the most amazing woman on this planet because of her ability to crack my shell and break me loose. I don't know how it will happen or if it will happen. I can only hope.

 

Believe me, nobody wants to change more than I do. Being this lonely is so painful that I can't describe what it feels like physically.

[Curious_Girl]

Yes my sensitivity... and everything else revolving around it. Basically, I look in the mirror and I see a problem, a defect.....me.

 

Your words, are the thoughts I've had for along time. I struggle and continue struggling accepting it.

 

Some days... I despise myself, I can't sand myself and other days I'm okay with myself.

 

I really do get this. Someone said to me once, a few years ago, speaking of himself (he is a sensitive guy): "I used to think something was wrong with me, but what's so bad about feeling things more deeply than other people?" That really stuck with me, and I think of that when I'm feeling bad. It does make life tougher, though.

 

Yes that is what it ultimately comes down to and I've decided that I want the connection for some time now. I refuse to just curl up into a ball and give up. It's just hard, every attempt I've done has ended in failure. I need patience, something I greatly lack and I know it lol!

 

I know it's hard. I admire you for not giving up; it's hard not to. I ended up marrying someone I shouldn't have because I wanted him so much to be The One. Now I'm divorced, so it's not always better to meet someone in your early 20s.

 

 

I am a mess, look what I'm posting hahahahaha!!! I wouldn't be single or so unstable if I wasn't messed up. I don't know why I am the way I am but to answer your question, no I haven't been to therapy. I couldn't bare going to vent such things as this. Not to mention I'd die of humiliation if my parents found out. ENA is my diary in a way and it's where I blow a gasket or two when I'm feeling like crap......

 

Why do say you're unstable? I don't see that. You don't have to be single, you know. It's a choice. You are single because you want a quality woman. You don't want the backstabber or the one who's not over her ex or whatever. Jake, that's important to remember. You are choosing to be single, with good reason. You have not failed if you've made a choice, based on logical reasoning, to not pursue someone who is unsuitable for you.

 

 

CG I'll be honest, whenever somebody compliments me, in my mind I'm scoffing and thinking, "YEAH RIGHT!!!" I have a hard time taking compliments but I thank you none the less for the kind words CG.

 

I just hope I don't have to wait 10 years, I think it'll be too late for me by then to be honest.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but that's low self-esteem talking. There's a book that might help you, called "Feeling Good" by Burns. It's cognitive-behaviour therapy, in self-help form. It can help with mood, self-esteem and shyness.

 

10 years will fly by, especially if you're in med school, lol!

[shygal2008]

SA Guy99 Thank you so much for your input, like Jake, you are a big help to me as far as understanding the why's of all this Its far more comlex then i ever imagined!

 

I was always under the impression that a love shy man could possibly be this way with a CERTAIN WOMAN THEY ADMIRED OR IS GREATLY ATTRACTED TO but could easily be with other girls, go on dates, have sex, etc. with other women with no problem..i guess it was my take on love shyness...that he would be this way with only one girl, bcuz she's different or special to him.

 

I am understanding NOW that if a man is greatly attracted, loves everythig he is seeing, really falls inlove with her and she is someone he could see himself with (as a wife & mother to his kids) and that she is THE ONE for him then that will be where all these issues come to in to play...the fear, avoidance, the tunnel viision, anxiety attacks, etc. BUT at the same time..you couldn't date/get serious/have sex with a girl you DID NOT feel that way about either? Am i right about this???? Either way, you can't do it..or wouldn't want to if you even could????

 

LOVE SHYNESS GOES accross THE BOARD WITH ANY RELATIONSHIP/SEX POSSIBILITIES?

 

 

 

If I know there a girl I like in advance, I will bail. If I see her when I show up to the social event, I will find

 

 

 

Does this depend on the day or how you are feeliing at taht moment OR is it that certain days are easier then others type of thing OR is it that you would AVOID HER AT ALL COSTS no matter what even if you wre having a less anxious kind of day? Is it the surprise element that gets you?

 

 

The shy guy i know seems to have some better days then others..some days he looks so scared and just so in despair, then other days...he seems more confident and he wil initiate a bit (hang around more..even at a distance but makes sure i see him) and almost seems comfortable to be there..even say something funny or cute..still shy and not making a lot of eye contact close up, BUT TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now for love shys is that normal behavior...really anxious and shy for a few days and then be more talkative and more comfortable another...less anxiety and fear..almost seems to disappear especiaally if you trying to get someones attention..or at least to say ''hey..i'm sorry i was acting that way yesterday..'' get what i mean? Like you had sais to not make them stop liking you and run for the hills...lol you go up and down and actually feel confident on certain days?

 

 

Thanks again guys

[Curious_Girl]

. BUT at the same time..you couldn't date/get serious/have sex with a girl you DID NOT feel that way about either? Am i right about this???? Either way, you can't do it..or wouldn't want to if you even could????

 

I am wondering this, too. Shy guys DO get into relationships, and even get married, but I'm wondering who they have relationships with? I'm guessing it's generally NOT the women they really want to, but rather the ones who make themselves available. If they are lucky, the woman who pursues them is the one they want. If not, they just end up with whomever.

 

Is this true?

[Curious_Girl]

It is ridiculously important. I need to be attracted to a woman to even entertain the thought of being with her romantically or sexually.

 

I think that's pretty normal, actually.

[shygal2008]

Its just curious to me, no pun intended that if a man is this way with this ONE SPECIAL GIRL then he must be this way with EVERY girl he gets romantically invovled with..or tries to..unless he's just not THAT into her?

[SA_Guy99]

BUT at the same time..you couldn't date/get serious/have sex with a girl you DID NOT feel that way about either? Am i right about this???? Either way, you can't do it..or wouldn't want to if you even could????

 

For me, I don't want to be with a girl I'm not attracted to. I have no desire at all for casual sex or dates with girls I don't like for "practice". I understand the concept of dating to get to know somebody, but I don't understand the concept of dating a girl for practice, knowing that a relationship is not going to happen.

 

 

 

If I know there a girl I like in advance, I will bail. If I see her when I show up to the social event, I will find

 

Does this depend on the day or how you are feeliing at taht moment OR is it that certain days are easier then others type of thing OR is it that you would AVOID HER AT ALL COSTS no matter what even if you wre having a less anxious kind of day? Is it the surprise element that gets you?

 

It doesn't matter. If a girl I have a crush on is around, I can't be around at the same time. It's too painful to be in the same place as her knowing she's not there *with* me.

 

Can you go up and down and actually feel confident on certain days?

 

Anxiety-wise, yes. However, the second I see my crush, love-shyness sets in and it ruins my day.

[givinggirl]

The shy guy I'm interested in showed all the signs of being interested, but when I said something told me I had the wrong impression. When in person, he acted interested, but then would avoid me after seeing me. Then, next time he saw me would act interested again and the cycle continued. He wouldn't ever do anything where he would know upfront that he'd be alone with me. If it was after some cocktails he would talk with me one on one, dance with me, walk me home or to my car....but if I ever just said, hey let's hang out, he wouldn't accept. This guy has had only one gf and he's 35. This gf ended over 10 years ago. I've known him for 7 years and have only once seen him act towards a girl the way he acts towards me. That was with his ex-gf about 6 years ago. From what I heard, he was really crushed by her, she kept stringing him along even after she screwed with him. He will on occasion have a one-night stand with a girl and from what I've heard, he doesn't really like the girls he's done that with. Two that I've heard stories about, but I think a handful more over the years.

 

My opinion...I don't believe him when he tells me I have the wrong impression. I think he's just scared to put himself out there, especially after his experience, so it's easier just to say that I misinterpreted. He's also not nervous around women he doesn't have feelings for, which is why I think it's easy for him to have these one night stands with girls he doesn't really like.

 

All in all, I think it depends on the guy. Some guys will only think about having sex with girls they are attracted to and others can't do that because it scares them too much and find it easier to have sex with girls they don't like. They don't have to worry about pressures of revealing themselves. Most of the time, they are both drunk and it can be chalked up to a mistake in the morning. You can't do that when real feelings are involved. I don't think there is a straight answer just because of a common denominator of being shy or love shy. Every person reacts in their own ways.

 

It is hard to deal with when you have this attraction, chemistry and great relationship potential, but you can't do anything about it because there are fears, insecurities, built up walls that you have no control over. You can try your hardest to get through, but if the other person can't even take a baby step in your direction, how do you get past that? It sort of like trying to get through an obstacle course that was designed to be impossible to achieve. If the guy is bound and determined that he's not good enough, he's too scared to let you in cause you can break him, he doesn't want to show his real self or emotions for fear of you not liking him, how on earth does a girl get past that when he does everything for her not to succeed?

[shygal2008]

SA Guy99...so i guess what your saying is you are not going to date anyone?!?! You only want THAT GIRL you are desiring and wouldn't bother with anyone else..even though you can't have the one you want...hmmmmm..seems like a lose lose situation. Have you tried therapy..Exposure Therapy i read it works wonders for some men..starting small with a ''hello'' or ''good morning'' to that girl you are attracted to..building your way up to asking her a simple question..something simple and quick.

Then graduating to purposely being around her..even if you don't talk, just making a point of beng near her until you can start a conversation, at some point..when you are ready for the next step..its all steps you take to expose you and face your anxiety...have you heard of this?

 

 

The shy guy i work with says hello to me everyday now, and let me tell you there are days he waits to say it to me..its a VERY BIG DEAL FOR HIM..just like saying my name when he talks to me. It does take A LOT for him to do this though and somedays i see the difficulty..the anxiety it causes bcuz he is fine with everyone else. It takes a lot for him to get up the nerve (somedays he's better then others) BUT HE DOES IT its important to him i have realized.

 

And even today he made small talk without me even saying anything first..i asked him for help then walked away. Theen less then 5 min later he came right over to help me out and started the small talk...it was a cute comment actually...he's been getting better but its been a long time coming!!!! Last week, my first two days back from vacation he had a really difficult time looking at me but yet, he made himself available to me if i needed him, he just couldn't stay around long, he kept leaving..lol..he'd come help me (he's in maentanence) and then practically run away he will never say no to me, but at the same time he will rush if he can't look at me or talk to me. But then the next day..or like today (Monday) he will make up for his behavior..always seems to try and keep things on track, especially if he feels i am upset wth him or feel badly about his behavior.

 

He tends to take his sweeeet time helping others in the building which has been commented on, he's very casual about them..its kind of funny..he just doesn't care with them and if he makes them wait i guess

 

I heard he had a girlfriend for awhile..they are not together anymore..don't know if anyone had ever seen her, just heard about her, that was last year and since then he has been trying really hard..sometimes struggling but he tries!!!!!

 

I guess what i am curious about is can a man who acts like this with ME only (at work anyway), ever have a girlfriend? I can't imagine he would make it up..but why act this way with MEEEEEEE??? Seriously, the way he stares, and watches me sometimes, and even follows me sometimes to be ''around me'' and then other times he just suddenly leaves with his head down but he tries like i have said he just can't be strong and keep it together longer then a day or two, then he gets shy, quiet...not to mention the nervousness and anxiety...could he get it together enough to date a gilr..who's not me i mean?????

 

 

Thanks

[SA_Guy99]

I actually do have a massive crush on a girl right now. It's been a few months. She works in the same mall I do. (Before you ask, I can only work in retail because I sell sports apparel and sports is my refuge from life.) I can go get coffee from her and I can make small talk with her. Where I run into a brick wall is trying to say anything that will express my interest.

 

For example, one day I had to run an errand. On my way out of the mall, I saw that she had dyed her hair. For the entire half hour it took me to drive to where I was going, get what I had to get and drive back, I kept telling myself, "you WILL tell her the new colour looks good". What happened? I got my coffee, asked her the ever-so-typical "how's the day going" question that retailers ask each other countless times a day, and I went back to work. It's at the point now where I almost can't go into that coffee shop anymore while she is there because I hate myself for not being able to even compliment her.

 

As for therapy, I can't afford anything. I also have a typical attitude towards it, where I just don't trust anybody I have to pay to help me.

[shygal2008]

Yes, givingirl, i SO understand your situation. And i do believe its a really deep rooted fear..to not want to be completely devastated, if she sees the real him!!!!

 

So, what do you do in this case?

 

If only they would give someone they truly like a chance..what they worry about is probably just what they perceive as problems..where is maybe the right girl wouldn't think anything was wrong or off or that difficult to deal with?!?

[shygal2008]

What if she complimented YOU and asked for your number

[SA_Guy99]

What if she complimented YOU and asked for your number

 

It would be a great help. That's something that has never happened to me though.

[Jake]

Curious_Girl

 

Overall, I agree with you on what you said in your last post to me. And yes I agree that largely why I'm single is because I've chose to do so.

 

I think once I find the right girl things will go toward the right direction. Maybe not as smoothly as I'd prefer giving how shy I am but still, it'd move (slowly) along if she was indeed interested in me.

 

 

-Jake

[Jake]

What if she complimented YOU and asked for your number

 

On a serious note, that's probably not such a bad idea when it comes to the shy guy at your work since you've built a rapport with him. Although, that would be a pretty bold / brave move on your part so I'd understand if you couldn't do it.

 

My only advice is that if you do decide to go through with it and ask for his number...do exactly that! Do not under any circumstances give your number and not get his!!!

 

Reason I say this is because if you gave him your number...he'd probably never call out of shyness.](*,)

 

 

-Jake

[SA_Guy99]

With the way cell phones (especially Blackberries in my area) are so prevalent today, that can be an advantage with a shy/loveshy/anxious guy (or girl).

 

I do have one friend I met online. As long as things go to plan, I will finally meet her on a vacation in October. (Before you ask, she's married with a kid, so there's nothing "like that" going on.) We met on a social anxiety forum and we both happen to be big fans of the same football team. Over the last couple years we've grown to know pretty much everything about each other and it's almost all been via Blackberry Messenger.

 

I have technology to thank for the one completely open friendship I have. I have yet to talk to anybody in person about the things that keep me down. I hope I will be able to talk to her openly when we finally meet.

 

If you like a guy and you know he's shy, definitely try to exchange numbers and communicate via text/messengers. It takes him out of an initial pressure-packed situation where he will likely provide some awkward silences and it might make it easier when you do spend time together in person.

[givinggirl]

Shygal2008 - I completely agree with you, but I don't think they think about it like that. I mean, this guy knows who I am as a person. He knows I'm not the kind of girl to screw around with him. I sort of think that makes it even scarier to him. Plus, he has some low self-esteem and I think he thinks I deserve better than him. In my opinion, he's the best I've known. I've backed off a bit because I have to respect his words even if I don't believe them. It turned into a tangled mess, so I don't know where things will go.

 

SA_Guy99 - Technology can be a good thing, but it can also be a very bad thing. This is part of my problem, we would text a lot, banter and joke, but then I felt like it would be weird if I actually called him. We talk in person no problem, but the phone seemed to be a strange thing. We talked on the phone twice. Once when I did call him because he asked me something and it was a long story, so I told him I would call him later. He didn't answer and it took him a long time to call me back. We were both very nervous and it made for an awkward call. The second time I called him to set up plans because he was helping me move. Again, he didn't answer and called me back. That call only lasted a minute. He is usually always by his phone, so I'm pretty sure he let it go to voicemail on purpose, but then had to call because I told him to call back in my message. You end up relying on technology too much and it's easier to communicate through a device, but it's not really a good thing in the long run for a relationship.

[SA_Guy99]

While I respect your point of view on technology and the phone, I have to confess that I hate talking on the phone. It's part of my anxiety. I don't answer the phone when I don't recognize the number, and even when I do recognize it, I don't pick up unless I know it's important. I have voice mail. If it's important and I don't know when the call comes, I'll hear the message and call back. Texts, messengers and email are a far, far easier form of communication that provide no awkward silences. Obviously there can be those awkward silences in person, but I think that's less embarrassing than over the phone.

[givinggirl]

While I respect your point of view on technology and the phone, I have to confess that I hate talking on the phone. It's part of my anxiety. I don't answer the phone when I don't recognize the number, and even when I do recognize it, I don't pick up unless I know it's important. I have voice mail. If it's important and I don't know when the call comes, I'll hear the message and call back. Texts, messengers and email are a far, far easier form of communication that provide no awkward silences. Obviously there can be those awkward silences in person, but I think that's less embarrassing than over the phone.

 

I agree with you about not liking to talk on the phone. I don't either and I hate being all nervous just to make a phone call. I just think, in the long run, it can hurt a relationship by using technology as a crutch. I used it often because I thought he felt more comfortable (and it was less nerve-wrecking on me), but it also gave him (& me) an easy way out of not having to reply instantly or deal with things as they came. If I was on the other end of the phone his answers probably would have been different. It lacks instant reaction and tone, so one can decide how they want to word things and change it 5 times before hitting send.