The Love-Shy Male

[SA_Guy99]

If you feel good about yourself and who you are truly..then a woman saying no to a date wouldn't crush you! That severe reaction is tied into self esteem and self worth

 

I think there is a difference between being happy with yourself and being confident that who you are is somebody liked and sought after by the opposite sex.

 

I'm not depressed because of who I am. I'm depressed because I'm lonely.

[Bluesman89]

I've noticed that many of you are in situations where mutual feelings have been established.

 

Now maybe it's just me but I can't see how the love-shy individual(s) here can't make a move at this point. I don't understand it.

 

I can say with almost 100% certainty that if it was established that someone I was attracted to felt the same way about me, I would have no issue in making the next step.

 

I'd like to think that once a woman's interest has been established, you're half way there at that point, perhaps more even. It would be a dream come true for me for a women to express mutual interest toward me.

[givinggirl]

I've noticed that many of you are in situations where mutual feelings have been established.

 

Now maybe it's just me but I can't see how the love-shy individual(s) here can't make a move at this point. I don't understand it.

 

I can say with almost 100% certainty that if it was established that someone I was attracted to felt the same way about me, I would have no issue in making the next step.

 

I'd like to think that once a woman's interest has been established, you're half way there at that point, perhaps more even. It would be a dream come true for me for a women to express mutual interest toward me.

 

I think it's because there are a lot more factors involved...it's not just love-shy. Every person is different. I see things how you do, but other people still just can't bring themselves to go for it. It could be for one reason or for 10 reasons. Only that person really knows what is holding them back and they're not going to tell anyone that information.

[Bluesman89]

I think it's because there are a lot more factors involved...it's not just love-shy. Every person is different. I see things how you do, but other people still just can't bring themselves to go for it. It could be for one reason or for 10 reasons. Only that person really knows what is holding them back and they're not going to tell anyone that information.

Yes I agree that the fears and anxieties that make up our 'love-shyness' are all different, with different causes and such.

 

I guess it also depends on where the person's low esteem lies. I think those that suffer low confidence in their personality/lifestyle would be more likely to start analyzing and looking ahead into the future (what would happen if I dated her/became her boyfriend, would I be good enough ect..). So seeing as the bulk of my low confidence/self esteem is based on my appearance, if a girl expressed mutual interest toward me then my barrier would be broken.

 

So clearly different causes for all of us.

[shygal2008]

I think the bottom line is, if they were not interested or at least attracted..they'd go away. Why hang around, why try or make an effort..even something small is huge to them..but why do it?

 

I guess what still makes things difficult..hard to walk away from is i am THE ONLY GIRL in the building he is this way with.

 

 

I have watched him with other women and i have heard him talk to them, he is so at ease, and funny and not serious at all..he is very silly ans childish actually BUT NOT WITH ME he even teases them and makes fun of them and if they need something..he tells them to go do it themselves..jokingly of course, but he won't jump to help them..its always been different with me!!!! He treats me like i might break or something..or he may hurt me in someway..or not like him anymore..he doesn't seem to care what the others think at all! And if i get to the point where i need to distance myself, or look as if i don't care anymore...he always puts himself back in my face and makes sure he initiates and keeps things going.

 

 

Why else be that way with me?

[shygal2008]

givingirl..were there signs before you married him, just curious

 

I know my shy guy isn't either..he stares and checks me out too much!!!! LOL!!!!

[givinggirl]

It is very hard to walk away. For me, it's the way he talks to me, the look in his eyes, how he can be deep in thought when it's just us 2 in the room - then he'll look up and have some question for me that I can tell he's been pondering for a while, he'll ask it and then get all embarrassed that he even asked it and tell me not to answer....lol, it's cute.

 

Yes, looking back there were signs. It's just most girls don't sit there when a guy proposes to them thinking, "Hmmm, I wonder if he's gay?" I mean, it's not something that you think will ever happen. Why would a gay man propose to a woman? But, from doing some online research, it happens all the time.

 

He was overly homophobic and would point out gays and lesbians and act all disgusted...but this happened everywhere we went...all the time. He decorated the rooms in his house with themes, like lighthouses, Coca-Cola, his college football team, etc. He watched soaps and HGTV. He spent more time shopping for clothes than any girl I know. He was more interested in wedding plans than I was....even like my dress & the girls bridesmaids dresses. His friend made a pass at me and he wasn't mad at his friend, he was mad at me for telling his friend off. He wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. None of those things on their own are dead ringers for it, but all together, plus when we got engaged someone said, I'm so relieved I always thought you were gay...all sort of made sense after I realized it.

[shygal2008]

Hmmmm yeah i could see some of those things being a red flag, but like you siad it would take a lot, especially when you are in love how did it come to light? I can't imagine it...were you devastated?

[shygal2008]

Just had a thought.... i am a massive HGTV fan, not to mention cooking, gardening & decorating my condo are my hobbies, i have yet to meet a man who likes any of the things i like...i am such a girly girl...i wil keep those things in mind though

[givinggirl]

On our honeymoon, he still couldn't have sex with his wife, so I got the feeling at that point. We got home and I did a little prying on his computer. He cleans his computer (history, cookies, etc.) every time he gets off it. There wasn't much, but I found one cookie that was in the wrong place, so it wasn't deleted. It was a website featuring gay male bondage. Then, I downloaded tracking software and found out he had an account on link removed amongst others, was conversing with other gay men and bragging about how he pulled the wool over me and I didn't have a clue. It was sickening really. I felt every single emotion in the book all at the same time. It's probably the worst thing I will ever experience.

[givinggirl]

Just had a thought.... i am a massive HGTV fan, not to mention cooking, gardening & decorating my condo are my hobbies, i have yet to meet a man who likes any of the things i like...i am such a girly girl...i wil keep those things in mind though

 

So am I...I used to think it was cool for him to want to watch that with me.

[SA_Guy99]

The bolded parts are the answer to your question. I can only imagine your frustration.

[shygal2008]

I'm so sorry that he did that to you..no one deserves that type of deceit or betrayal. That must have been incredibly shocking, not to mention hurtful, bcuz he was so spiteful to do that to you and admito pulling the wool over your eyes..thats sick!!!!!

 

Especially knowing he was gay, didn't seem like he was torn about it, or even sorry..not struggling with it at all...did he ever tell you why he did all that?

 

To go to all that trouble, why hide it, what did he have to gain?

[shygal2008]

How could he hurt me though SA GUY???? I think to disappoint me in some way is what he may worry about, i get he doesn't want me to stop liking him

[givinggirl]

No, he actually denied it all. He told me I was mistaken & I should meet him for dinner. We had 400 guests at our wedding. I was horrified & I couldn't even return their gifts. The judge wouldn't let me. Never did he admit to anything. Then, he emailed his friends and told him all lies about me. He didn't know I had access to everything he did on the computer. I think he did it because he was a high school teacher and didn't want anyone to know he was gay cause parents could freak out...I was his cover. To this day, I wouldn't be surprised if people still don't know and think I'm just a total b**ch. I still have copies of everything...just in case. I really don't know how someone can do that to someone else and be able to sleep at night. His whole entire life was a lie though....it's pretty sad.

[SA_Guy99]

How could he hurt me though SA GUY???? I think to disappoint me in some way is what he may worry about, i get he doesn't want me to stop liking him

 

In his mind, not liking him anymore would be because he hurt you in some way. He's afraid that if he gets into a relationship with you, and he doesn't turn out to be the great guy you think he is at the start, that it's complete failure on his part, thus hurting you. He puts all the onus and pressure of success on himself.

[shygal2008]

He'll answer for it one day..you are so much better off

[shygal2008]

I have a question SA GUY..he does this thing where he stares at me for long periods of time..through windows even. He can see me standing in front of the window doing things at my desk..if i glance over to the window i can see him standing there just looking at me through the window accross the way!!!!!!! Once i looked right at him and he jumped..lol..then walked away quicky, he got caught basically.

 

If i catch him doing it in the cafeteria or office, where i am standing as well..he won't react quickly, just slowly go back to what he was doing but when i caught him through the window..he panicked and ran..lol..why did he do that do u think?

 

And what was he doing all that time just standing there with his arms folded looking at me..what do you think he thinks about???? I know no one else was in my classroom with me (i was preparing for the afternoon preschool session) and he was alone as well..he only does that when he's alone!

[givinggirl]

He'll answer for it one day..you are so much better off

 

Yes, I just hope he doesn't do it to some other unsuspecting girl. I really wanted my annulment to show it, but the stuff off the computer couldn't be used against him, so I couldn't claim fraud.

[SA_Guy99]

While he's looking at you, he's probably killing himself inside for not being able to approach you to tell you how he really feels.

[shygal2008]

Ohhhh SA GUY, your making me so sad

[SA_Guy99]

I'm sorry. I wish there was something more positive to it. I know how it feels all too well and it makes for some painful nights. I wish I knew of some kind of magic solution.

[GernBlanston]

You should NEVER give up by the way,,where there is life..theres hope! But, you do need to help yourself..no one can fix your issues. You have to want to better yourself and try to overcome this. Do something about it now, don't wait until you are older..its much more difficult then!!!!!!!!!

But hope is a big part of the problem. If there's no hope, but only resignation to being alone, there's no self recrimination when an "opportunity" is missed. The loneliness is still there, sure, but not the same kind of compulsion to beat yourself up (though maybe some beating yourself up for not being the kind of man women like).

 

Maybe that's a factor for givinggirl's and shygal2008's guys. Maybe they don't want to hope because hope is too painful.

[shygal2008]

Yeah i wish you did too.

 

It still boggles my mind (and can keep me up as well) that something that comes so naturally and easy to some..is so painful and difficult for others and there may actually not be an answer and that in itself is sad! I do believe that there is a solution, its just not going to be an easy one for most who can actually overcome it.

 

 

My younger cousin (he's 30 now) told me once, about 5 years ago that he liked a girl so much, it actually became painful to be around her..he felt she was totally out of his league..he couldn't look at her in the eye..she made him so nervous.

 

Anyway, he did play a mind trick on himself to get himself to ask her out..he told himself that she was his last chance...if he didn't do it that it would be it for him...he would end up alone..he would get NO OTHER chances!!!! This was his one and only opportunity for lasting love and happiness.

 

After this..she'd disappear from his life forever and he'd never know.

 

Then he imagiined what it would be like if she just disappeared and he would never see her again..he'd never know and he'd have to imagine his future wife, with someone else.

He'd be all alone, no wife, no kids, etc. He was told by a therapist to do this by the way.

 

 

He almost made himself cry he said..it was pretty powerful.

[SA_Guy99]

Girls we develop feelings for have that kind of power over us. I used to be able to control my emotions rather well. Since I've really started to like the girl I talked about in my other thread here, I've had many more sleepless nights and I've cried more in the last month than I have in the last 10 years. It's not that I have an unrealistic "I love her" feeling... All I want to do is get to know her better, and I have yet to get myself to the point of even asking her to get lunch.

 

I cry because I can't yet help myself. The only thing I have to hang onto is hope that either I will be able to overcome it myself, or that she feels the same and opens the door for me, much like you ladies have for the men you have feelings for.