The Love-Shy Male

[shygal2008]

I had a situation when I was 18 where I was rejected by the first girl I really had feelings for, before I even had a chance to ask her out (she ended up with my best friend when I was out of town for a weekend). It didn't de-sensitize me, it made me even more petrified to lose the battle again. That was 8 years ago and I haven't been able to get close to a girl since.

 

 

Thats why you are still like this..it was ONE girl..you need to try again!!!!!!!!!! You may be walking away from the love of your life how sad would that be????

 

 

Are you better off now?

[SA_Guy99]

I don't know how direct you've been, but I suggest saying this, while having some physical contact to show him that you really mean what you are saying...

 

"I like you (if you love him, say that). I want to be with you. I need to be the one person you trust and can be open with. I will help you as long as you put in the effort to help yourself too."

 

If that doesn't work, nothing will unfortunately.

[SA_Guy99]

Thats why you are still like this..it was ONE girl..you need to try again!!!!!!!!!! You may be walking away from the love of your life how sad would that be????

 

Are you better off now?

 

It's not the reason. Like I said, I never got to tell her I liked her, even though I had a million opportunities. I've always suffered the anxiety. Rejection is just a thousand times worse for us because for all we know, we might not have another chance.

[Bluesman89]

Sorry this may be a rant, but I think it's relevant to the topic.

 

So today I was playing a local pub I gig at regularly. The majority of people there I would know (some personally, some just familiar faces).

 

So towards the end, after our break, when I was called up to the stage and told to hurry up by the band, someone shouted out my name in a light hearted way. So I turned and smiled at someone, who I shortly realized was not the person who called out my name... I was instantly overcome with embarassment as I'm thinking that would have appeared really strange. What made things worse is the person who I wrongly looked/smiled at was a woman who I find quite attractive. She's actually a regular there who I do not know and have never talked to her.....

 

And worse again she appears to be in her late twenties/early 30's so add that on to being very attractive and there's just no way she would share the same feelings.... making it one of the worst scenarios I can put myself in....

 

Now I'm feeling absolutely pathetic and still extremely embarassed over what took place.

 

It may seem tivial.. but to me it's not and this was just the perfect example of how severely anxiety/love shyness affects me.

[shygal2008]

I've thought about dating someone else, but my heart would be elsewhere. I wouldn't enjoy it and it wouldn't be fair to the guy. I'm about ready to give up on men altogether. I'm really tired of being disappointed. The one's whose attention I have are the sleezy one's that I don't want. The one I want, can't own up to his feelings

 

 

You are still young, i'm older then you..my shy guy and i are only 1 1/2 yrs apart but niether one of us look our ages

 

Thats why my ''dating'' situations never worked out, my heart just wasn't into it and i tend to attract much younger men..i tried though.

 

I didn't feel connected to any of them the way i do with him. In one case it was someone i couldn't see myself with in the future..didn't want marriage, children, etc. he was older then me and set in his ways i guess but he wanted a live-in type girlfriend, just not the type of relationship i was looking for.

 

The other one was a set-up situation through a friend and this guy was on all the dating websites...into bars and clubs bigtime!!! That one i never saw again bcuz we were just 2 completely different types of people...he was younger then me.

[shygal2008]

It's not the reason. Like I said, I never got to tell her I liked her, even though I had a million opportunities. I've always suffered the anxiety. Rejection is just a thousand times worse for us because for all we know, we might not have another chance.

 

So, for the rest of your life you do nothing? How is that better?

[shygal2008]

About your little ''rant'' i don't think it was a rant, by the way...but why do you assume bcuz of her age (or any other issue you are not sure of) that things would not work out?

 

 

How do you know this? You assume waaaaay too much about women my friend.

 

 

Also, has it ever occurred to you that YOU may not like her once you get to know her..maybe you won't be happy with the girl long term? How do you know you will be the rejected one?

 

Do all shy men assume they will be the one hurt, rejected..left by the women they love? Do they ever think it could be the other way around or are they so far gone on the girl they can't imagine not always feeling love for her????

[SA_Guy99]

For those of us who have no experience at all, it's hard not to feel like we won't live up to a woman's expectations if we find ourselves in a relationship. A relationship takes work to be successful, and even though I read a ton of information, when it comes to actually being in the situation, I'm clueless.

 

I understand your frustration. Believe me. I wish I could snap my fingers and do something about this misery.

[shygal2008]

Its sounds to me like you fear the actual reltionship more then simply asking someone on a date? Do you already see a future, relationship, sex, marriage, kids, etc. with these women the moment you become infatuated...and just skip over the ''would you like to go on a date sometime'' part? Are you already preparing for the breakup before you even get to ask her out?

[Bluesman89]

About your little ''rant'' i don't think it was a rant, by the way...but why do you assume bcuz of her age (or any other issue you are not sure of) that things would not work out?

 

 

How do you know this? You assume waaaaay too much about women my friend.

 

 

Also, has it ever occurred to you that YOU may not like her once you get to know her..maybe you won't be happy with the girl long term? How do you know you will be the rejected one?

 

Do all shy men assume they will be the one hurt, rejected..left by the women they love? Do they ever think it could be the other way around or are they so far gone on the girl they can't imagine not always feeling love for her????

Well I don't get interest from women first of all so I can only assume from experience that this is no different.

 

This woman, who even though she's a regular who I see almost every week, has never said a word to me. Apart from perhaps when I said 'hi' to her while passing by a couple of months ago to which she responded with the same.. I don't think I ever really see her looking at me either... apart from when I'm performing perhaps, but that's what all the customers are there to see anyway.

 

I'm sorry, I could be typing these posts much better. The alcohol dumbs me down a bit it seems...

 

Also to add.. I'm not looking as far to where things may not work out. I'm talking about initial attraction here. And yes I do think that age would play a part in her not being attracted to me. That and shes just simply out of my league.

[SA_Guy99]

Its sounds to me like you fear the actual reltionship more then simply asking someone on a date? Do you already see a future, relationship, sex, marriage, kids, etc. with these women the moment you become infatuated...and just skip over the ''would you like to go on a date sometime'' part? Are you already preparing for the breakup before you even get to ask her out?

 

In a nutshell, that's a pretty good analysis on the infatuation.

 

I wouldn't say it's preparing for the breakup, but feeling that the pressure is all on me to prevent it from happening.

[Jake]

I basically agree with what has been said the last few pages and haven't had much else to add but my agreement.

 

I think for me, it boils down to my sensitivity, anxiety and fear towards being open toward the girl. It's an irrational fear of getting hurt, rejected and thrown to the side because I'm not good enough.

 

Personally, this goes beyond shyness and it something far more complicated & crippling.

 

I think the length of this thread & all the aspects we've covered prove this!

 

 

 

shygal2008 & givinggirl the guys you are interested in are similar to me , SA_Guy99 and Bluesman89 but there's a few key things that make us different compared to them.

 

 

Firstly they are older then us (from what I've gathered). This means they've possibly had more rejections, more hurt and are far more set in their ways!

 

Secondly there's a serious possibility they haven't sought help. I highly doubt they're members of ENA or have even heard of Love Shyness!!!

 

 

Basically they're in the dark, how can they help themselves if they don't know what they're fighting in the first place? Like it or not shygal2008 and givinggirl.....you have more knowledge then they do about their own condition!

 

It's ultimately up to you how to use that knowledge.

 

 

As for me, I recognize my faults, I'm not in the dark and I'm actively trying to push the envelope to get out of this mess. Even so, at 20 years old it's an exhausting & stressful thing for me. If a young lady gave me the same chance you two are giving I'd like to think I'd open the door because I recognize what I'm doing wrong!

 

 

-Jake

[givinggirl]

I had a situation when I was 18 where I was rejected by the first girl I really had feelings for, before I even had a chance to ask her out (she ended up with my best friend when I was out of town for a weekend). It didn't de-sensitize me, it made me even more petrified to lose the battle again. That was 8 years ago and I haven't been able to get close to a girl since.

 

This guy is similar in a way. He had his heartbroken and never let any other girl get close enough to do it again. I don't know the whole story, just bits. I heard that she really played with his head and that she either turned bi or lesbian....but it sounded like she would throw him away and then reel him back in for quite a while.

 

I would bet that he does realize how you feel. Even I won't cut him a break for not responding to being told how you feel.

 

I know that he knows I have feelings for him because I told him so. I don't think he realizes what effect all of this has on me. Also, he did respond, he told me "sorry if I gave you the wrong impression". This was all done over texts. I didn't believe him when he said it and I still don't believe him. I can't do anything about it. He said it and I have to respect that whether or not I believe it to be true. For some reason, one year after first saying it, he randomly said it again. I told him I didn't understand why he was bringing this up again, as we had discussed this last summer and I didn't say or do anything to imply otherwise. This was around the time he ignored me and gave me the silent treatment. Obviously, something provoked it, but I don't know what.

 

That said, I know exactly what he's afraid of: He's thinking into the future. If he lets you knock down that door and you end up truly together, if something happens down the road where the relationship ends for whatever reason, it will destroy him. It hurts enough for him now, but that would put him down to a level he's never seen or felt before.

 

I share that fear too. Honestly, I don't want to "play the field" with a lot of girls. The roller-coaster of having different relationships before finding the one you love is not meant for guys like us.

 

Or, it could be a forever happy relationship, but how will he know if he doesn't give it a try. He knows who I am as a person. He knows I'm not going to do to him what she did to him. He knows I would never cheat on him because I don't do that. He knows I'm not going to lie to him because I'm pretty straightforward right now. He knows my morals, my ethics, my family, etc. He knows the types of relationships I've gone through in my life. I'm not unchartered waters, he knows a lot about me.

 

I think a big part of the problem is everyone we knew was pushing for us to get together and it made him extremely self conscious. If me & him were to get together, it would be like a huge thing for everyone and we would be in the spot light, being talked about and I think that's what he dreads the most. He's very private and hate people talking about him. Then, there's also his fear up letting someone get close which is a close second for roadblocks.

[givinggirl]

Okay, first off, you don't know her, so you don't know what her league may be. As they say, you can't judge a book by its cover. You can tell by looking at someone who they are as a person. For all you know, she could be an alcoholic with a prescription drug addiction.

 

I can understand your embarrassment in regards to smiling at the wrong person. I would be too. You can't just automatically assume she has age requirements and is better than you.

 

BTW, if that is you in the pic, you are an attractive guy. You should give yourself some credit. Did you ever think maybe you're out of her league?

[SA_Guy99]

I think a big part of the problem is everyone we knew was pushing for us to get together and it made him extremely self conscious. If me & him were to get together, it would be like a huge thing for everyone and we would be in the spot light, being talked about and I think that's what he dreads the most. He's very private and hate people talking about him. Then, there's also his fear up letting someone get close which is a close second for roadblocks.

 

This hits home with me. I am the exact same way. I hate attention from others, be it negative or even positive. I can't even tell my family about my depression and anxieties because then their attention will be driven towards me. While I fully know that it would be a good thing for me and that I would get support, I don't want the attention, and I am embarrassed that I have gotten myself into this position in life.

 

Another thing I fear if I were to get into a relationship, is the over-enthusiasm that some family members would show when the time came to meet her. There would be some "finally" sentiments, which would embarrass the hell out of me. Then there's the issue with my mother. To keep it short, she hates every member of our family and I don't speak with her anymore. This is likely going to be the first Christmas I don't see her. When the time would come to meet family, I have that elephant on my shoulders.

[shygal2008]

You all just touched on something...embarrassment!

 

 

Is that a big issue? Does it bother you if others know about your crush? Do you try to keep it a secret if you have developed strong feelings for someone..even from her if you could? I feel my shy guy thinks no one notices all the staring he does, when he hangs out in the cafeteria when i'm there for no reason and all the extra attention he gives me.

 

 

Is it bcuz YOU KNOW you are unable to do anything about it bcuz of your love shyness..is that part of the embarrassment & shame?

 

Does it make it worse if others know you like a woman and pursuing her, if you can? If it were at work, would you tell anyone or keep it your own secret???? Would you ever confide in anyone or ask them for help with this woman?

 

 

 

If not....why???

[LightbulbSun]

I can't add anything really except my assertations. I also feel the same way.

 

Also, the girls who are more sexually active than me...well, they seem more mature than I do. I feel like a kid compared to them, because kids aren't supposed to have sex, and adults do.

 

I guess I really don't feel like an adult. At least, not a sexual one. I masturbate and fantasize, but as far as that coming into reality, no way. I'm just a kid, and they're ADULT women.

[givinggirl]

Everyone has issues with their family. I wouldn't worry about that elephant. There could be a lot worse things. I keep most things from my family too. My mom is a blabber mouth and they are forever putting me down, so I just clam up and not say anything. I would talk to a complete stranger more than I would my own family. I'm just not comfortable talking to them.

 

I know his whole family and they were part of the group pushing. Apparently, he had a big blow up with at least 2 of them about it when we were at a party. He had every right to because right before that his sis-in-law was talking with me and some lady she brought with her about me & him and I was uncomfortable. I'm not sure if he heard it or not, but that might have been why he blew up. He was shoving his brother and everything....although I think they were fighting about more than just me cause I don't think I would warrant shoving. There is a friend of his brother who also got in our faces about it a couple times. That was pretty bad too....although, he handled it very well. Better than I anticipated.

[SA_Guy99]

One of the fears for me is that if somebody I know finds out I like a girl, and I don't act on it immediately, I'm going to get grilled. Since these people don't know anything about my issues, the anxieties I suffer will be bound to come out sooner or later, and the people I know would just laugh and tell me to get over it.

 

It's almost like I've resigned to hoping for this girl to be like you, and she can see it, feel the same way about me and take the lead. I really do think I could at least take some positive steps if that were to happen.

[givinggirl]

You all just touched on something...embarrassment!

 

 

Is that a big issue? Does it bother you if others know about your crush? Do you try to keep it a secret if you have developed strong feelings for someone..even from her if you could? I feel my shy guy thinks no one notices all the staring he does, when he hangs out in the cafeteria when i'm there for no reason and all the extra attention he gives me.

 

I have to say yes. I kept my crush to myself for almost a year. His best friend and sis-in-law, who I'm both friends with started all of it. Without going into history, his best friend kept saying things to me like how he's such a nice guy and trying to play matchmaker. I played it cool. Then a week after he started, his sis-in-law said to me that she wished we would date because she wants him and me to be happy and she thinks we are perfect for each other. Before this, I never thought about him like that because he was friends with my ex-bf and you're just not supposed to do that. A couple months later, everyone is on the bandwagon for us to get together. After some time went on and we started texting, hanging out a little, he helped me move, etc. I couldn't get it out of my head. At first I was like, I couldn't possibly date my ex's friend. But, now, my ex is barely even these people's friend anymore and I started thinking how stupid would I be to allow my ex to dictate who I want to date. What if he's my one, I can't just let that go. And the ball rolled from there. People kept pushing and both of us would just say, it's complicated to get out of talking about it. His sis-in-law asked me if we rehearsed that line cause we say the same things. It took me a year of trying to stay out of conversations with people before I admitted it to his sis-in-law. She said, OMG you're FINALLY admitting it! The problem is that other people tease and it causes a lot of self-consciousness...sometimes you regret opening your mouth.

[shygal2008]

One of the fears for me is that if somebody I know finds out I like a girl, and I don't act on it immediately, I'm going to get grilled. Since these people don't know anything about my issues, the anxieties I suffer will be bound to come out sooner or later, and the people I know would just laugh and tell me to get over it.

 

 

I can see this being HUGE ISSUE i know when my shy guy was told..after he got my card i left him..he told are coworker he couldn't talk about it he had no answer or reason..just kept saying ''i can't!!!'' and he kept looking down at the floor. I wasn't anything mean or cruel or hurtful..it was just surprising to the coworker and me bcuz you'd think he'd say no and give a reason..not look down at the floor just saying ''no i can't!!!'' But then after that day..he won't go away..in his own ''love shy'' way he keeps it ging. Even if i get upset and try to keep my distance or don't say hello, he will make sure that i do..he will stare me down (from afar of course) and say it to me until i make eye contact...acknowledge him. Of course then i get my hopes up bcuz he will be around alot for the next few days but then all of a sudden...when things atrt to feel ''normal'' and possibly progress..he disppears or gets unbelievably shy.. can't look at me or even be in a room with me...then it starts all over again, i get mad, stop giving him attention...then he pulls me back in again IT SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

It's almost like I've resigned to hoping for this girl to be like you, and she can see it, feel the same way about me and take the lead. I really do think I could at least take some positive steps if that were to happen.

 

 

In all honesty, i don't even know if meeting women like me and givingirl would make the difference..it seems to me that its not just the shyness thats the main issue here, its how you view yourself and how you perceive the women to be and how she views you!!!!

[SA_Guy99]

In all honesty, i don't even know if meeting women like me and givingirl would make the difference..it seems to me that its not just the shyness thats the main issue here, its how you view yourslef and how you percieve the women to be and how she views you!!!!

 

To be honest, I'm fine with myself. My major hangup is that I can't yet afford to move out of my dad's house. Other than that, I am actually pretty happy with who I am as a person. I just need the know that a girl feels the same way about me as I do about her. If she were to make a move on me, I have to think I could respond. It's one of the only things that keeps me going instead of giving up altogether.

[shygal2008]

If you feel good about yourself and who you are truly..then a woman saying no to a date wouldn't crush you! That severe reaction is tied into self esteem and self worth

[shygal2008]

You should NEVER give up by the way,,where there is life..theres hope! But, you do need to help yourself..no one can fix your issues. You have to want to better yourself and try to overcome this. Do something about it now, don't wait until you are older..its much more difficult then!!!!!!!!!

[givinggirl]

Shygal...the "I can't" thing is similar to my shy guy. Another one of his brothers friends went up to him and said why don't you go for her? He said no. The guy told him, how can you say no? Look at her, she is sweet and hot and she likes you. He just kept saying no. Then, later the guy told me about this and says to me, he has to be gay to not go for you. I told him that he's definitely not gay. Shy guy's brother looked at me and said "HOW DO YOU KNOW?!" as if I knew first hand or something. That was kind of funny. I told him that I'm not worried that he's gay and I think I of all people would know the signs. (I married a guy who I found out 4 weeks later to be gay.) As I was leaving the friend told me that he's a great guy and deserves to be happy and I just need to put him back together.