The Love-Shy Male

[givinggirl]

This is where he doesn't seem to have a problem. He hugs me hello and goodbye. Full on hugs where we can't get any closer and he picks me up. He will put his hands on my back/shoulder if we are walking through a crowd. Our legs will touch when we are sitting. He will sometimes pick me up and carry me over his shoulder. He will hold my hand to help me. We dance as close as you can dance. One time I had a bum knee and he wanted to dance with me so he told me to stand on his feet and he will do the dancing. He has kissed my hand, rubbed his scruff against my face, slapped me on the ass. Held onto me while walking on ice. There really is no physical barriers or uncomfortableness that I've seen or felt. In fact, it's like he can't get enough contact with me. Most of this is his initiation. I've held onto his arm while walking, put my hand on top of his hand once and smacked him on the ass as payback. Otherwise, I just react to him. I'm the one who has issues with touching people...lol.

 

SA_Guy99....just try little things and see how she reacts. You'll know if a girl feels like you're invading her space. She will take a step backwards, turn away from you, excuse herself to go to the restroom, etc.

[SA_Guy99]

What are "little things"? Everything involving physical contact is a huge deal for me.

 

Sorry, I'm just that clueless with this kind of thing.

[givinggirl]

For starters, you don't even have to touch, just lean towards her to say something & see if she moves away or leans in. Let's say your standing in a crowd and someone is trying to get through, you could put your hand on her back and move towards her to let that person through. Or same thing, you need to use the restroom, put your hand on her back, lean in to tell her you'll be right back. You can tease her about something and then sort of lightly bump your shoulder with hers as a sign you're only joking. Once you think she's comfortable with you and doesn't have a problem with you being in her personal space, you can give her a hug hello or goodbye. Just slowly progress.

[shygal2008]

WOW!!!! givingirl are you sure he's love shy bcuz i know touching and any type of physical and/or sexual contact is enormous to them...and this keeps getting confirmed to me. Just a slight touch by a woman seems to be HUGE to them...apparently just being in their direct sight (or anywhere they can see you) can make them anxiety ridden and be very difficult to handle, being touched seems to just make it all even more heartbreaking

[SA_Guy99]

Heartbreaking is a light description. I can't put it into words what the pain feels like. I've wanted to touch and be touched since I started noticing girls when I was 12. It's 14 years later now. That's over half of my life where the want has turned into need that has turned into desperation to the point where I don't know if it will ever happen for me because I'm so scared of a first time for it at my age.

 

How would you react if the first time you touched a guy in any way that is more than friendly and he just crumbled emotionally? It really is a fear of mine considering how I can barely contain myself just typing on a message board about it.

[givinggirl]

WOW!!!! givingirl are you sure he's love shy bcuz i know touching and any type of physical and/or sexual contact is enormous to them...and this keeps getting confirmed to me. Just a slight touch by a woman seems to be HUGE to them...apparently just being in their direct sight (or anywhere they can see you) can make them anxiety ridden and be very difficult to handle, being touched seems to just make it all even more heartbreaking

 

I know, but I've also known him for 7 years, so maybe that has something to do with it. He's only been like this the last 2 years. Before that, he barely looked at me, spoke to me and never touched me. I have this one image of him from back then when I was dating my ex. We had gone to a concert and were walking out and he was walking with us. I was talking and he was looking at me with this big smile. Never said a word.

 

He's only dated 1 girl and that ended 12 years ago and he hasn't dated since. He's had a couple drunken one night stands...otherwise, nothing. I only know this from other people talking. I'm not sure if he's completely love shy or not. He's definitely very shy and at times I can see & feel his anxiety. He does things that are confusing. He'll ask me personal questions when we hang out, like he's trying to figure me out. He does freak out and avoid after we've hung out. He will banter with me over texts, but he will never initiate the text. He calls me dollface or young lady or something like that during this. He forgot something at my house and he wouldn't come over to get it...he waited til my next party and he lives down the street from me. I'm often cooking and baking and giving things to my friends, he will always say no thanks. I think his bigger problem is he wants to be in a relationship, but he is too scared to go there. He has a hard time expressing his emotions, he keeps everything to himself.

[givinggirl]

Heartbreaking is a light description. I can't put it into words what the pain feels like. I've wanted to touch and be touched since I started noticing girls when I was 12. It's 14 years later now. That's over half of my life where the want has turned into need that has turned into desperation to the point where I don't know if it will ever happen for me because I'm so scared of a first time for it at my age.

 

How would you react if the first time you touched a guy in any way that is more than friendly and he just crumbled emotionally? It really is a fear of mine considering how I can barely contain myself just typing on a message board about it.

 

I think you might surprise yourself. Not too long ago, I had a bad situation with this shy guy. I was very upset by it. He had been ignoring me and I didn't know why. It had been going on for a while and then I had a birthday party to go to. I was all worried because I figured he would be there. I didn't know how I was supposed to act, etc. I was worried if he hugged me hello like he normally does that I would just break down and start crying. He came in and acted like nothing was wrong, gave me a hug and I did not break down. I still didn't know how I should be acting, but he kept coming by me and bringing me to where he was. I guess that was his way of saying we're good, without saying anything. We are fine now...I still don't know what it was all about, but I'm glad things are better.

 

Don't worry about your age at all. You're the only one who knows that. No girl is going to be thinking like that. If you do get emotional, that's ok. You're a sensitive guy and if the girl has a problem with that, then she just isn't the girl for you. I would rather have a sensitive guy than one who could give a rat's ass. Emotions are not a bad thing.

[SA_Guy99]

I know emotions aren't bad, but is there a point where it's too much? Wouldn't it be a better idea that she knows how inexperienced I am, that way just maybe she will understand that it's a decade and a half of frustration coming out at once?

 

Another part of this, is that I know girls don't like a guy to be clingy. If I get lucky enough to progress with a girl to the point of physical contact, how do I avoid falling into that trap?

[shygal2008]

SA GUY....Should i assume then that when JUMPING OUT OF HIS PANTS when i leaned in and gently touched his knee while i was talking to him a good thing or not? I felt afterwards that i gave him a major anxiety attack!!!!!!! But yet, he didn't walk away afterwards.

 

 

He was looking down, and away so i touched him to get him to look at me..but then he got crazy

 

 

His leg started bouncing up and down, guess that was nerves, then he junped up and stood there..he didn't walk away, he stayed...but kept moving around as i was still talking...he didn't know how to stand after that!!!!! LOL

 

 

Could it be lack of touch and affection on his part by a girl..even one he likes????

 

Like i said before the way he acts with me is completely different then the way he is with other women..he acts like he doesn't care when they are around, he's not jumpy. anxious or self conscious!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

givinggirl...i do get what your sayiing...and you are lucky he is THAT comfortable with you!!!!!

 

 

Does he treat you differently then other women?

 

 

And yes, 7 years is a long time and my guy just started getting better with me as well..the fact he wears his glasses around me and doesn't avoid me is good bcuz the first few times i saw him with them on he practically hid from me the entire day (and only me, he'll chat up everyone else) he even through them off his face once when i entered his office..he turned away and wallah...they were off his face and on his desk!!!!!!!!

 

 

I thought that was cute AND VERY TELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohhh and i cook and bake as well I've given him home made cookies and fudge a few times (last 3 years) for the holidays!

[Bluesman89]

shygal, this guy you seem to have a thing for obviously likes you but I suspect that if he was made aware of your feelings toward him he would not be acting quite so nervous and uncomfortable around you. Now perhaps this is just me and others aren't like this, but my fear and discomfort around women is pretty much all due to convicing myself that the women does not find me attractive. Thus I desperately try to avoid making my feelings known for fear of being hurt, laughed at or making the girl uncomfortable and distant.

[SA_Guy99]

I would say that he likes you for sure. I would probably be reacting the same way. I would be scared that my deodorant wouldn't work, that my breath would stink, or of anything that would make her not want to be close to me. It's one of those things that guys in our position need to help break us out of our shell, but it's still so damn scary.

 

One reason why I feel I might never find love is because I don't know if there is a woman out there who is patient enough for me.

[shygal2008]

just posted some interesting things i found on another shyness/anxiety website...go check it out...

[givinggirl]

I know emotions aren't bad, but is there a point where it's too much? Wouldn't it be a better idea that she knows how inexperienced I am, that way just maybe she will understand that it's a decade and a half of frustration coming out at once?

 

Another part of this, is that I know girls don't like a guy to be clingy. If I get lucky enough to progress with a girl to the point of physical contact, how do I avoid falling into that trap?

 

Honestly, it all depends on the other person. Some people can handle it and some people can't. I'm not sure that by her knowing you're inexperienced, she will relate that to pent up frustration. I'm not saying not to let her know, I'm just saying she might not understand what you are going through, unless she's like that too. It doesn't really matter if she gets it, what matters is if she's understanding and patient.

 

Clingy...yes, I think this word is thrown around a lot for the wrong reasons. I think lots of people use this as an excuse to get out of something they don't want to be in. They use it to end a relationship...oh he or she was just too clingy. Really, if you truly are in love (or even in like) and it's mutual, you want to spend time with that person and they want to spend time with you. You wouldn't have problems spending as much time as you possibly can with them. That is what love it all about.

 

I've experienced clingy. The last guy I dated was the definition of clingy. He literally clung to me. He would text me when he woke up all the way until he went to bed. We saw each other quite often. When we were together at his place or mine, he was clingy like static cling. He always wanted me right by him, he had to be touching me in some way, holding me, laying on the couch with me, whatever it was and if I got up to go to the bathroom he would grab my arm and pull me back and then whine when I walked away. When we would sleep, he was all up next to me. I was practically his body pillow. I didn't mind it at the beginning. Then, the relationship started going downhill, he started trying to control me, he turned unfriendly. At that point, his clingyness that I didn't mind before, made me feel like I was suffocating. I didn't want him to touch me, I felt claustorphobic.

 

I truly believe there is no such thing as clingy if you really want to be with that person. It's when you don't, then it turns into clingy.

[givinggirl]

givinggirl...i do get what your sayiing...and you are lucky he is THAT comfortable with you!!!!!

 

Yes, but he's not comfortable enough to admit anything.

 

Does he treat you differently then other women?

 

Yes, completely different. Our group of friends have know each other for a long time. I'm one of the newbies. They all greet each other with hugs. He greets the other girls with a quick side hug. As I've said before, he gives me full hugs, tight and picks me up. Hello & goodbye. He pays for me the whole night, where others he might get a round of drinks here and there. Most people, when they buy someone a drink, will ask if they want something, what they're drinking etc. He is watching and when my drink is low, he buys me one (knows what I drink), delivers it and takes my empty glass from me. He's always looking out for me, like guarding me. Most of the time, he's by me when we're hanging out, but when he's not, he has one eye on me at all times. He leaves with me, never does this with the other girls. He will walk me to my car or to my house. There are so many things, I could write a book.

 

And yes, 7 years is a long time and my guy just started getting better with me as well..the fact he wears his glasses around me and doesn't avoid me is good bcuz the first few times i saw him with them on he practically hid from me the entire day (and only me, he'll chat up everyone else) he even through them off his face once when i entered his office..he turned away and wallah...they were off his face and on his desk!!!!!!!!

 

How long have you known him?

 

 

I thought that was cute AND VERY TELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohhh and i cook and bake as well I've given him home made cookies and fudge a few times (last 3 years) for the holidays!

 

It's funny cause he will gladly accept my food if I just give it to him, but if I ask him if he wants some he will say no thanks. I really think he says no cause if he said yes, that would require either him coming to my house to get it or me going to his house to drop it off and I think that scares him.

 

You know how else he has thrown me off. When I bought my house and moved, he took the day off work to help me move without me even asking. I didn't even know he did it or was planning on helping until I thought my closing was going to be pushed off and he said, it better not be, I took a day off work for you (jokingly). Then I felt bad and said can you take it back and word, but he told me not to worry, he could use a day off anyways. So, when he does stuff like that, he doesn't seem so shy, but he is also a very nice, thoughtful, helpful guy. It all worked out and I moved on the planned day. He came and helped, barely spoke to anyone unless spoken to. He also couldn't leave fast enough when we were done. I had to pull him back in the door so I could give him a hug to thank him for helping me. He was so nervous cause he didn't know anyone but my mom and me.

[givinggirl]

shygal, this guy you seem to have a thing for obviously likes you but I suspect that if he was made aware of your feelings toward him he would not be acting quite so nervous and uncomfortable around you. Now perhaps this is just me and others aren't like this, but my fear and discomfort around women is pretty much all due to convicing myself that the women does not find me attractive. Thus I desperately try to avoid making my feelings known for fear of being hurt, laughed at or making the girl uncomfortable and distant.

 

What if she tells you she likes you and finds you attractive, but you still don't understand why she does? I've heard people say they think they aren't good enough and they don't understand why that person would like them. They make the decision that she deserves better and won't do anything about it.

[SA_Guy99]

What if she tells you she likes you and finds you attractive, but you still don't understand why she does? I've heard people say they think they aren't good enough and they don't understand why that person would like them. They make the decision that she deserves better and won't do anything about it.

 

I think that's an excuse most of the time, because the guy just doesn't know what to say and/or what to do next once he knows the feeling is mutual.

[shygal2008]

thats already happened...thats why its so difficult...he is so down on himself he thinks he's not good enough, at least thats what a coworker said more or less was told he has me up on a pedastal!!!!!

[SA_Guy99]

The pedestal thing is unavoidable. How are we supposed to not see women that way when the onus is on us to impress you? That's one thing I don't understand with society.

[shygal2008]

Yeah but who said you need to impress anyone? For me, i want someone to SHARE my life with..not put on a show for me!

[givinggirl]

Yeah but who said you need to impress anyone? For me, i want someone to SHARE my life with..not put on a show for me!

 

Exactly, I'm not looking to be impressed. I want a guy to just be who he is and be real. I will like you more if I know you aren't putting on a show for me. I really just want the honest, this is who I am, take it or leave it, here's me my flaws and all.

[SA_Guy99]

Yeah but who said you need to impress anyone? For me, i want someone to SHARE my life with..not put on a show for me!

 

How is a guy supposed to get a girl without impressing her? Once a relationship is established, I think most of us would be fine. Getting to that point is where the pedestal comes into play. I want to share my life with somebody too. It's the initial stages when once a girl is identified as somebody I'm interested in that it's up to me to go after her, and not "putting on a show" (for lack of a better term) could land me in the friend zone or write me off as somebody who's not even interested in her.

[givinggirl]

I think that's an excuse most of the time, because the guy just doesn't know what to say and/or what to do next once he knows the feeling is mutual.

 

So then how does one get past it? This is the question of all questions...how can us girls get past this when the guys are the roadblocks? It doesn't matter if we take that step and make our interests clear. Their anxiety will most likely stand in our way. This is really what frustrates me.

[SA_Guy99]

Exactly, I'm not looking to be impressed. I want a guy to just be who he is and be real. I will like you more if I know you aren't putting on a show for me. I really just want the honest, this is who I am, take it or leave it, here's me my flaws and all.

 

I respect this, I really do. However, for guys like us, who we are.. flaws and all.. is a guy who isn't going to pursue you because our flaws centre around an inability to keep friendships and approach women. The "be yourself" advice is honestly the worst that can be given to people with social anxiety.

[SA_Guy99]

So then how does one get past it? This is the question of all questions...how can us girls get past this when the guys are the roadblocks? It doesn't matter if we take that step and make our interests clear. Their anxiety will most likely stand in our way. This is really what frustrates me.

 

I wish I could answer this for you. Unfortunately no girl has ever told me she likes me and wants to spend time with me. I don't even know what could help me get past that hurdle if it was me in that situation.

[givinggirl]

How is a guy supposed to get a girl without impressing her? Once a relationship is established, I think most of us would be fine. Getting to that point is where the pedestal comes into play. I want to share my life with somebody too. It's the initial stages when once a girl is identified as somebody I'm interested in that it's up to me to go after her, and not "putting on a show" (for lack of a better term) could land me in the friend zone or write me off as somebody who's not even interested in her.

 

You can impress her without trying to be impressive. The things that impress me about this shy guy is all in who he is as a person. He doesn't put on a show. If he doesn't want to go out, he doesn't go out no matter how many times people try to change his mind. I'm impressed by his integrity, his ethics, his humor, he's calm, conscientious, responsible, reliable, punctual, family oriented, always the first to help, thoughtful....there are so many things. The thing is these are who he is as a person whether I am around or not.

 

My last bf thought he was impressive because of the people he knew and the things he could get done. The one before that would exaggerate stories to impress people. I don't want exaggerations or stories. I want to know the real you, I don't care who you know or who you don't know. I don't need a guy to buy me things. My one ex-bf bought me a diamond necklace for my birthday one year. It was a cross with a small diamond, but he made it a point to tell me the diamond is so small because it is practically perfect, yadda, yadda. I don't care. Just the fact that he remembered my birthday is what made me happy.