The Love-Shy Male

[shygal2008]

I think what I really have to do is just get out there and try approaching a girl I find extremely attractive because I'm so closed off it feels suffocating at times.

 

yES....TAKE BABY STEPS!!!!!! Maybe you could start with a nice girl who's sweet and cute and start a conversation with..that may be a good place to start and let it develop from there..if you don't try, even a little nothing can happen! For all you know she may feel th same way you do

[Jake]

yES....TAKE BABY STEPS!!!!!! Maybe you could start with a nice girl who's sweet and cute and start a conversation with..that may be a good place to start and let it develop from there..if you don't try, even a little nothing can happen! For all you know she may feel th same way you do

 

I'd do that if I could find a girl with that kind of character / personality. Every girl I've ever been interested in has proven that she's not someone I could trust like that.

 

I'd argue that so far I just haven't found the right girl and that's why my experiences (or more like lack there of) have been so negative. Overall, there isn't much I can do at this point. I'm just going with the flow and seeing what life throws at me because everything I've tried so far hasn't worked.

 

 

-Jake

[shygal2008]

I get your point...you are correct be open to it and forget the past. Hard to do i know, but then you become stuck in a negative mind set if you don't!!!!

 

I think for many shy men, its hard to find someone that suits their needs (which i find more emotional then most men) and that can be understanding and really want to take their time so they can comfortably get to know each other. There are shy girls out there..its just harder to find them. You also will need someone with patience who will hang in there.

 

The BIG mistake shy men make is when they sense a nice gal likes them they won't do anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!! You lose your opportunity that way to be happy!!!! I cans ee being afraid to take a chance on a woman you are not sure of but if a girl is giving you the signs and is showing you she's interested you must go for it!!!!!

 

 

It is difficult i know, i am shy myself...but anytime i see a man is interested i do give it my all, even if it means i have to leave my comfort zone a bit (and this is difficult for most) i do it so i never have any regrets!!!! Thats the worst to know you had opportunity but wouldn't...or couldn't do anything about it.

[GernBlanston]

The BIG mistake shy men make is when they sense a nice gal likes them they won't do anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!! You lose your opportunity that way to be happy!!!! I cans ee being afraid to take a chance on a woman you are not sure of but if a girl is giving you the signs and is showing you she's interested you must go for it!!!!!

Some men have never sensed any interest from a woman. Either they're unable to see the signs, or they've never been sent any signs.

[shygal2008]

True enough, but its hard to believe there hasn't been anyone ever, not even one girl that liked them enough to start even a mild flirtation...but then again it may be they never picked up on it and/or they never knew what to do if they did like you said.

 

 

Some love shy men i have known get so scared when a girl that is ''attractive'' in their eyes that as much as they want to respond..they just get scared and run away..literally.

 

I have also heard the term paralyzed by fear which i can see as well...being too scared to respond. It really is a never ending viscious cycle isn't it?

[Bluesman89]

True enough, but its hard to believe there hasn't been anyone ever, not even one girl that liked them enough to start even a mild flirtation...but then again it may be they never picked up on it and/or they never knew what to do if they did like you said.

 

 

Some love shy men i have known get so scared when a girl that is ''attractive'' in their eyes that as much as they want to respond..they just get scared and run away..literally.

 

I have also heard the term paralyzed by fear which i can see as well...being too scared to respond. It really is a never ending viscious cycle isn't it?

Well my experience (being a shy male) is not quite like that. If I actually KNEW (as in 100%) a girl I liked was attracted to me, then I would have little fear in making a move. However that said, I believe that most times where I think there are signs, I tend to write them off as too unclear and therefore not enough certainty there for it to be worth the risk to my already low self worth to actually try anything.

[shygal2008]

My brother said the only way he would KNOW FOR SURE is if the girl asked hm out on a date and said that doesn't happen to him anymore HE GETS OLDER, he's 35 now!

[Jake]

True enough, but its hard to believe there hasn't been anyone ever, not even one girl that liked them enough to start even a mild flirtation...but then again it may be they never picked up on it and/or they never knew what to do if they did like you said.

 

 

Some love shy men i have known get so scared when a girl that is ''attractive'' in their eyes that as much as they want to respond..they just get scared and run away..literally.

 

I have also heard the term paralyzed by fear which i can see as well...being too scared to respond. It really is a never ending viscious cycle isn't it?

 

Yes it is a never ending vicious cycle and it's something I've been trying to get out of for some time now... The hardest part is pushing out of my own little world to actually talk and flirt with women I find attractive. I find this extremely unnatural for me and uncomfortable most of the time. The hardest task for me is showing a girl that I like her....it's virtually impossible for me to do so. My mind simply refuses to cross that line even though in the past I've yearned to do so. I just recently came to the realization last week that I've never complimented a girl I've fancied.

[shygal2008]

So i am assuming you've never taken a girl out or spent anytime alone with a girl you are attracted to..have you ever tried with someone that you ARE not ATRRACTED TO?

 

Someone you thought was nice and a good person..just a friend or even just someone you've said hello to and could possibly strike up a conversation with?

 

It seems to me that the love shyness comes from ''romantic love'' those nervous feelings of excitement and a stromg yearning for someone you see yourself with long term; as a lover, girlfriend, wife even...how about starting with just a female...any female your age? This way the romantic feelings don't get in the way and you can just start with being comfortable with a woman? What do you think?

 

You can then graduate to a girl you have special feelings for..and as afar as showing them or telling them there are ways a shy man can do that but it needs to be with a certain type of girl. I think you should concentrate on just saying hello and getting comfortable just being in the presence of a cute girl..maybe not your type, not your dream girl...but thats ok, at least she's female..lol..does that make sense?

 

 

Just some ideas

[Manco]

Being shy is about lack of exposure to the opposite sex. If these guys were approached a lot, even by average to below average girls, they wouldn't be shy. This would build their confidence through knowing that they are in demand. On the other hand, they would become more picky in who they dated. This is what happens with girls. If men never approached, then we would have millions of shy girls out there wondering what the hell is wrong with them and trying to figure out how to be confident enough to show interest.

[shygal2008]

Well, i don't think its about that alone..

 

And yes exposure is a big part of it but what you think about yourself deep down..self worth, self acceptance, etc. I know VERY GOOD LOOKING MEN who are terribly shy and have had women interested..if they like the woman they can't do anything about it..they become what was described to me as ''paralyzed by fear...'' the fear of rejection, fear of looking at as a fool, not good enough, pervert, etc. but this is ONLY when they are attracted to the woman or feel ''romantic'' towards her...the more he feel towards her the worse it is...

 

 

Just my 2 cents

[Jake]

Your assumptions are correct. The main reason I don't hang out with a girl by myself if I'm not attracted to her is because I don't want to give off the wrong impression. Plus, I don't have any female friends that are "close" to me where I could call her up to hang out. All of my friends are guys.

 

Overall, I have female acquaintances that are my age who I talk to at work, school ect. and my socail skills have greatly improved because of this. I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone so to speak.

 

 

Having said all this....it still isn't enough for me. So far I've been on ENA for about 3 years. In that time I've experienced:

 

-3 years at a community college.

 

-1 retail job that I took on PURPOSE during the Holidays to expand my social skills. On the first day of work I was absolutely petrified... but as time went on I got better and more comfortable wit the job. If I went back now I could handle it just fine!

 

-Volunteering at the hospital in the ER (still doing so as of current).

 

-Took a college speech class (it was rough but I survived lol!).

 

Basically the point I'm trying to make is NO MATTER HOW WELL ROUNDED a person I become if you put me in the same room with a girl I'm seriously crushing on......I can't handle it. Nothing can substitute for how I feel in those situations..... Only those situations stir up that yearning, emotion and pressure. An angry customer or a nasty manager fail in comparison.

 

 

-Jake

[shygal2008]

wELL, i am not saying to be with a girl you are NOT attracted to but i think that you short change yourself by not hanging out with a girl alone..any girl at any point.

 

I think what you need is practice..exposure to the one on one type thing.

 

From what i read you will come out of your comfort zone and you will push yourself in certain situations to stay in it and complete the task...so to speak. That's fantastic!!!!!

 

Just try doing more one on one with females...EVEN THE GIRLS YU ARE NOT LUSTING AFTER...LOL

 

Do you feel sick when you are around a girl you are attracted to? How does it differ from women you are not attracted to????

[DanDee]

Can I ask - there is a lot of emphasis on female beauty in this thread... how important is this to the love-shy male? It's just that it seems extremely important, in fact even more so than to a non love-shy.

[shygal2008]

read the thread on ''loveshyness and finding the one'' ..it explains that..its something i was surprised at as well

[bruinsy81]

read the thread on ''loveshyness and finding the one'' ..it explains that..its something i was surprised at as well I think it is irrelevant,the emphasis on female beauty.Every guy wants to be with someone they find physically attractive.It would be relevant if the hypothetical shy guys were approaching these very attractive women and getting shot down or they were continually turning down overtures from plain women , but in most cases it is not the case.Shy guys don't make a move,they usually don't put themselves in a position to interact socially with someone they find attractive.Most people [shy men included] are realistic and objective when it comes down to assessing there own looks and who they may or may not match up with physically.

The love shy theory seem to suggest that the 300 pound guy sitting at home eating a bag of cheesies is only content if he can land a Marilyn Monroe look alike.There are MANY very shy people of both sexes who are VERY attractive people who could likely date others who are attractive.

[Jake]

wELL, i am not saying to be with a girl you are NOT attracted to but i think that you short change yourself by not hanging out with a girl alone..any girl at any point.

 

I think what you need is practice..exposure to the one on one type thing.

 

From what i read you will come out of your comfort zone and you will push yourself in certain situations to stay in it and complete the task...so to speak. That's fantastic!!!!!

 

I get what you're saying and it does make sense.... It's just the one on one thing is very unlikely to happen outside of work or school. I simply don't have any female friend I could hang out with like that. I admit that this does bug me... My hopes are that when I start going to University come Fall...things will change for me. Although, I don't really have high expectations on what I can achieve considering my tendency to be introverted.

 

 

 

Just try doing more one on one with females...EVEN THE GIRLS YU ARE NOT LUSTING AFTER...LOL

 

LoL! You are a funny one Shygal.

 

 

 

Do you feel sick when you are around a girl you are attracted to? How does it differ from women you are not attracted to????

 

Yea I get a sick feeling when I'm around girl I have a crush on... specifically when she catches me by surprise when coming around a corner or when I fail to talk to her again & again.....then I want to punch myself in the gut.

 

 

The list is longer than this but it's what I can recall off the top of my head as of current (not in specfic order). If I'm seriously crushing on the girl:

 

 

- I can get sweaty hands, hot flashes and blush really bad.

 

- I hardly make eye contact.

 

- Feeling of wanting to escape.

 

- If it's a particularly bad day for me where I can't handle her being around..... I avoid her... or I try to look angry / intimidating enough to where I know there's no chance in hell she'll approach me...

 

- Heart rates goes nuts and skips around.

 

- Social skills go to some negative number.

 

- I can't flirt.

 

- I can't compliment her.

 

- I can't show interest.

 

- I talk quieter.

 

- I don't dare try to break the physical boundary.

 

- If after all this crap I still somehow manage to talk to her.... I keep the conversation short so I won't be standing there long enough to where I might start to fidget....

 

- In the conversation I never ever never pry into her personal life or interests. I never ever never ask how old she is and I don't ask her status either (single or not).

 

 

 

If I don't like the girl

 

- Way more outgoing and open.

 

- Talkative, silly and can joke around like the dork that I am lol!

 

- Tease her and flirt (I only do this if I know she won't get the wrong impression).

 

- I have no problem making eye contact in the slightest.

 

- I'm relaxed.

 

- I'm friendly and can keep the conversation going.

 

Basically I'm two completely different people depending on the situation. Around anyone else I can be myself. Around a girl I'm crushing on... I just shut down.

 

 

 

-Jake

[Bluesman89]

I try to look angry / intimidating enough to where I know there's no chance in hell she'll approach me...

Man I act like this to, but not quite for the same reasons. If I'm out in public on my own, I generally put on a kind of scowl/slightly p'eed of expression and look towards the ground. People may find this weird but the best way to describe the reason I do this, is a 'defense mechanism'. I guess in simple terms, I just want to make it clear to people that I'm aware of my unattractiveness and undesirability.. so as not to make myself vulnerable.

[shygal2008]

Jake - THANKS FOR THAT LIST!!!!!

 

Now, i have been on the receiving end of this..me being the ONLY girl he is this way with..shy, nervous, look of fright and discomfort on his face not able to be casual and relaxed..never silly and comfortable enough to let me see his ''other'' side the jokin around kind of way he is with everyone else..not able to look me in the eye for longer then seconds at a time..when he is around me he shuts down..i always new why..but at times it gets to me that he's loud, funny & silly around everyone else, including other women!

 

He also does the staring (i caught him looking at me through a window a feww weeks ago and whn i caught him and looked directly at him HE JUMPED and walked away immediatley!) He can look directly at me whe we are accross a room or just a few feet away even..then he will look INTENSELY AT ME..lol..its cute how he tries by all the ''looking'' he does and being AROUND ME as apose to near me or with me..and he does this A LOT!!!!!!! He also will do anything i ask him to do (if i need something fixed..any type of help) he never says no or won't help me and he also doesn't HAVE TO HELP ME his job is not to assist anyoone in my program but he always does when i ask. And even if he's quiet when he does..he will try, even to make eye contact when he comes to help..i just try to be casual, act very thankful for his help..always say thank you as well.

 

 

And yesss i admit, its difficult sometimes being around him bcuz i can feel his self doubt and fear i always try to say hello (he usally initiates this but you can tell its hard) and make him comfortable but somedays he looks like he wishes he could disappear.....but then the next day he will be in my face, as if to make sure i am not hurt or upset by his inability to make more of a connection.

 

Its hard to accept theres no way to get around this or at least lessen the anxiety and fear.

 

 

Where do you think this all stems from?

[shygal2008]

Bluesman89 - thats low self worth, usually that comes from past hurts and disappoinmets with women or loved ones. I see that as well..the walking with head down to the point where i have heard people comment on it..its painfully obvious

[Jake]

Bluesman89

 

You know that's pretty crazy you mention that because I do the exact same thing! It's only more intense when I'm around a girl I crush on (depending on the situation) because I feel threatened by her...

 

But yes, in public I do the same thing as you. Granted, I've gotten better now and I try to make eye contact with people and smile. I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be more "open." So far though, I still feel pretty darn invisible to everybody else, unless I speak up...

 

Overall, I think of my behavior when I'm alone in public as the "lone wolf" act.....and I've been doing this for along time now. It's hard to break out of it so I know how you feel man.

 

 

 

shygal2008

 

Shygal I've honestly asked myself that question a million times because I really don't know where it stems from either. My parents and family treated me extremely well and I had a very good, happy and safe childhood.

 

Having said that, I still felt different around family members. I was never told it out right but I always felt like a drag somehow. Like the adults resented me (particularly males) because I was more sensitive.

 

 

My opinion (if I were to guess) is that from the time I was a kid.....I was different. I was the kid that sat in the corner of the class that nobody talked to. I was quiet, kept to myself and was always a loner. I only played with my cousins (family members) because they were family and I was comfortable around them. Around other kids I didn't know.... I would just kinda sit there and watch them play. I subconsciously felt rejected by them because they wouldn't ask me to play too. I never felt "in" and I never was one of the cool kids (I didn't care however since many of them were annoying / stupid).

 

The kids that asked me to join them to play? Became my long term friends and many of them were "different" as well. I've stuck with them ever since, my best friend for example I've know since I was 9 / 10 years old.

 

All of this pretty much carried into my adult life. I still feel like I'm "outside" looking in and unless I initiate contact with people I go unnoticed.

 

This is just my 2 cents / perspective of why my life is this way.

 

 

 

-Jake

[Bluesman89]

Bluesman89 - thats low self worth, usually that comes from past hurts and disappoinmets with women or loved ones. I see that as well..the walking with head down to the point where i have heard people comment on it..its painfully obvious

Well the past few years I've never actually let any situations get to the point where I could be hurt/rejected in the first place. I think this is more to do with the fact I haven't had much interest from women since the age of about 16. Although as a matter of fact I suffered bullying in secondary (high) school, which was directed at the way I smiled (by one particularly nasty person). That hit me hard I remember and I never really got over that. At the same time though I did have interest from and went out with some girls (one of whom happened to be older than me and very desirable to most of the males in my school).

 

I guess my confidence/self worth just started to fall gradually shortly after leaving school, which took a nose dive in the past two years or so.

 

Bluesman89:

 

You know that's pretty crazy you mention that because I do the exact same thing! It's only more intense when I'm around a girl I crush on (depending on the situation) because I feel threatened by her...

 

But yes, in public I do the same thing as you. Granted, I've gotten better now and I try to make eye contact with people and smile. I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be more "open." So far though, I still feel pretty darn invisible to everybody else, unless I speak up...

 

Overall, I think of my behavior when I'm alone in public as the "lone wolf" act.....and I've been doing this for along time now. It's hard to break out of it so I know how you feel man.

Yeah I've made an effort to act more normal/confident while out many times. It proved extremely difficult though and I guess I felt odd/silly acting like that so always ended up going back to how I was. It's much harder to break than people would think..

[shygal2008]

Jake...what do you mean by feeling THREATENED by a girl? I find this very interesting that you picked that word inparticular!

 

How can you feel threatened by someone (say she's feminine, delicate...more petite...smaller then you) who just wants to get to know you and maybe likes you

 

Is it what she does, or says, how she dresses possibly....or how she acts towards you specifically????

 

 

Annnnnnnd how would you tell someone (if they asked you) how to help you get out of that...to overcome your intimidation of the girl......is there anything she could do?

[shygal2008]

Bluesman89 ....sounds like you've had women in your life you've dated doesn't that help your self esteem at all? Knowing a girls or girls has wanted to date you and desired you in the past? And, did you feel nervous and anxious with those girls?

 

If you really were attracted to them, how did you get over your love shyness to date them? Have you ever dated a woman you didn't like a lot...and was it easier if you did?

[Jake]

Jake...what do you mean by feeling THREATENED by a girl? I find this very interesting that you picked that word inparticular!

 

How can you feel threatened by someone (say she's feminine, delicate...more petite...smaller then you) who just wants to get to know you and maybe likes you

 

Is it what she does, or says, how she dresses possibly....or how she acts towards you specifically????

 

I feel emotionally threated by her. I bare my own burdens, my own emotional pain and my own worries. If a girl came along like that...where I thought she could truly be the one. I'd have to eventually (as the relationship progressed) open up 100% to her.

 

I'm afraid of what I'd say, what I'd do......what she'd think of me then. Would she think I was weak? Would she use how I truly am to her own advantage?

 

I ask myself, when the times comes, can I truly trust someone to that level?

 

 

I feel weak saying this but I'd be afraid to do that, terrified really, but at the same time it's something my heart never stops yearning for. It just doesn't stop...I've tried everything to suppress my feelings in the past. The result was suicidal thoughts, I was self destructive and careless toward my own safety.

 

I slowly learned to just "deal" with myself & I channel my emotion and power into helping other people in the ER as a volunteer. In this way, I stay sane. I also keep busy with my college ambitions, career goals, working, family, friends and my hobbies.

 

 

If anything, a girl who was feminine, delicate, petite with a gentle but strong personality would be someone I could fall in love with.

However, to specifically answer your question, I'd feel threatened by her because how potentially bad she could emotionally destroy me.

 

I've found that appearances can be deceiving no matter how great she may "appear" to be. Sadly so far, the few women I've crushed on in my life have proven this to me in one way or another.

 

Now....I'm going to "flip" perspective and say that if I did meet a fantastic women that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I'd have serious issues accepting that I even remotely deserve a better half such as her. I'm a mess, I'm too weak and she could realisticly find someone better. Enough said.

 

Overall, the problem is I can't cross that line of letting her in. Even though, I'd want too with all my heart & soul.

 

I'm still young and for the moment I still cling to what hope I have left of finding such a girl. But I'd imagine, as I get older I'll eventually accept my situation for what it is.

 

 

Annnnnnnd how would you tell someone (if they asked you) how to help you get out of that...to overcome your intimidation of the girl......is there anything she could do?

 

How could she help me if she doesn't know what I'm going through if I don't tell her? I'm not obvious about how I truly am. On the outside, I'm a happy, outgoing and a pretty friendly guy and for the most part this is true about my life. It's just not...when it comes to all of this mess we're talking about.

 

 

 

-Jake