cheating wife

[hogan10]

Hi This is my first post so I will start with the background.

I have discovered my wife has cheated on me three times with different people.All though I am trying to forgive her she refuses to discuss any of them in detail, because of this I feel she is unwilling to get everything out in the open and this is making the healing process more difficult as I feel she is still being secretive and is thereforeeee happy to to deceive.I feel at least she could do is answer my questions and give me all the facts before I drive myself crazy with my own unsure answers.

 

Anybody got any advice that will help. Until I know there are no more things to discover I will not be able to put it all behind us.

 

Cheers

[chai714]

Hogan,

 

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

Your wife does not respect you enough to come out with the truth, even if being honest will hurt her emotionally, she won't budge.

 

I really don't see this relationship working out any further. She has no respect for you - once that's gone, you're gone. You need to cut ties with her - her behavior is inexcuseable, possibly unforgiveable and so long as she has no respect for you she will never change.

[New_Horizons]

I have only one word of advice for you.

 

Divorce.

[Beec]

Pack her bags. Literally, she has shown you a trememndous amount of disrespect on three occasions. Three times with three different people? When? Is this ancient history, or within recent years.

 

I don't think I would ever be as forgiving as you have been, my woman knows that would be the end of it. In this case, she seems still rather unrepentant. Why are you letting her have control. Get your self respect in line, and take control, and the easiest ways for you to do that is to either pack her bags, or pack your bags.

 

If she wants to work it out after that, then you can try, but I don't know how you could ever trust her again. Without trust and respect you have nothing. I don't know if it is possible to restore those things.

[DN]

Refusing to discuss it will not help any sort of reconciliation process. If you don't know why she cheated how can you believe that she won't do it again if the same circumstances exist in the future. In your place i would divorce her because there is no way I could trust her.

[Beec]

A couple more things, hogan10, welcome to enotalone. What you are going through is not and will not be easy. Please come back and post about it and read others posts. It should be of some help to you.

[chigal28]

If she won't talk about it, how can the two of you work through it together? If she was truly repentant, she would be sharing with you whatever details you needed to know to start healing, no matter how much it might hurt her. The fact that she's focusing more on how much HER cheating on you and being asked to divulge details, rather than on how much she hurt her partner, speaks volumes about her priorities, I think.

 

And yes, you do deserve all the answers you seek. If the two of you are going to try to work through this and move forward, it will be imperative that you get them.

[CamGuy]

Stories like this make me wish sometimes we all lived in one of those countries where adulterers are stoned to death. But, on a serious note, divorce your wife. Better yet, catch her in the act of cheating, and leave her with nothing!

[hogan10]

Many thanks to everyone who has replied.Your comments have been much appreciated.

[slw]

I'm in almost the same situation, except I have done things, like your girlfriend. Me and my boyfriend are at our breaking point, he always wants me to talk about it too. I've told him as much as I can and he still dosen't believe me. I guess the trust has already been broken and he likes to hear about what I did with them in bed, while we are in bed and then uses it against me when we are not in bed. I cheated becuase he was insanley jealous and controlling, and always said I was cheating on him anyway. Also, alcohol and DV was sometimes an issue. I don't know if this helps any, but maybe she can't talk about it, I sort of figured out that my cheating was more like an addiction. Hide my pain instead of with drugs or alcohol, it may sound silly but it is hard to talk about, especially when I tell him everything and he still thinks I'm hiding something. Like I said, the trust has already been broken and even if she does tell you the truth you might not believe her anyway.

[doyathink]

Obviously you still love and care for her very much. She on the other hand is possibly embarrassed and doesn't want to tell you of her indiscretions, it makes it more real for her. she thinks you will ignore it, than it will just be forgotten and go away.

 

You have what is called 'The Need To Know' which is what we all have in a case like this, in order to heal. With out this you have several pieces of this puzzle that you can't piece together without the rest of the pieces! I would explain to her that if she doesn't have the respect for you to tell you the whole story, she needs to pack her bags as you will relive this everyday for the rest of your marriage.

[yeawutever]

If she's unwilling to answered your question and doesn't wanna tell the complete truth, then there's no point in continuing the marriage. Like other posters say, her being so secretive about it, doesn't help the healing process.

I would say divorce her, since she's unwilling to do her part and doesn't seem to want to work it out.

Has she even display any bit of quilt, regret??

[agent1607307371]

Is your wife willing to discuss any of it?

 

I think partially her unwillingness may stem from a desire to just forget about it, but maybe to spare you from torturing yourself on details. (of course, I do have a nasty habit of looking for the best.)

 

Do you think these details will help you to heal? Or will it become a case of knowing more, needing to know even more and being unable to let go of any of it.

 

To be fair, after 3 counts of infidelity, you should not be thinking so much about the details as whether you really feel you can go forward with her.

[hogan10]

Again thanks.this really helps.

slw- you make some very good points,at the moment what I have been told doesn't quite add up so I feel that either she is trying to protect my feelings or as doythink said she is embarressed to talk about.

 

Doythink- you summed the situation perfectly,thanks

 

Ailec1987 - She has said she regrets it and won't do it again, but while she playing down the situation I feel it could be "lip service"

 

Agent- You could be right,however,the detail I feel should be known,because the honesty will help with regaining some trust.I accept your point though,it may initially lead to more short term pain but will stop me torturing myself with what questions like "how long was it going on" "Why" etc.

[yeawutever]

Well not until she contributes to the healing process, which it's not just about saying "Oh sorry, I swear it won't happen again", then the relation won't go anywhere.

Marriage counseling would be one suggestion, have you two consider this??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

From what I have been reading in these forums, asking for details actually doesn't solve anything, doesn't re-build trust and in fact makes the situation worse. Healing and trusting is a conscious decision you have to make on your own. Knowing the details will just make it more vivid for you and harder to move forward. To give an analogy: You hear about a shooting incident on the radio and it is horrifying....you want more details so now you choose to watch it on TV in all its gory images. The gory images then get imprinted on your brain and they haunt you. There was no need to actually see the horrific images because intellectually you know that if there was a shooting, it is not going to be a pleasant site.

[yeawutever]

From what I have been reading in these forums, asking for details actually doesn't solve anything, doesn't re-build trust and in fact makes the situation worse. Healing and trusting is a conscious decision you have to make on your own. Knowing the details will just make it more vivid for you and harder to move forward. To give an analogy: You hear about a shooting incident on the radio and it is horrifying....you want more details so now you choose to watch it on TV in all its gory images. The gory images then get imprinted on your brain and they haunt you. There was no need to actually see the horrific images because intellectually you know that if there was a shooting, it is not going to be a pleasant site.

 

Well that's sure a good point. However there is a difference b/w sharing gory images and unwilling to answer anything at all. As his wife, she would have the obligation to answered basic questions, not nenecessarily all, but the main important ones.

[DN]

From what I have been reading in these forums, asking for details actually doesn't solve anything, doesn't re-build trust and in fact makes the situation worse. Healing and trusting is a conscious decision you have to make on your own. Knowing the details will just make it more vivid for you and harder to move forward. To give an analogy: You hear about a shooting incident on the radio and it is horrifying....you want more details so now you choose to watch it on TV in all its gory images. The gory images then get imprinted on your brain and they haunt you. There was no need to actually see the horrific images because intellectually you know that if there was a shooting, it is not going to be a pleasant site.

I don't advocate a description of the actual activities - but he does need to know why she cheated. What impelled her to do that - three times. She also needs to know herself.

[hogan10]

Ailec1987- Counselling is an option and good suggestion ,but usually this requires all parties to be brutally honest, I don't know my wife could be this, since she won't discuss it. I'm not sure until she can open-up we would get the full benefit.

 

Crazyaboutdogs.Point taken,I just believe that whilst she is willing to watch me suffer like this when she knows how to stop it, she is not really being honest and trying to draw a line in the past.As things stand everything will move on with us and continue haunt us (or me at least)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

she refuses to discuss any of them in detail,

 

I was basing my answer on this sentence. I agree some questions need to be answered, but not necessarily details. It is unclear from the post what questions he has asked that she refuses to answer. It is also unclear why she cheated 3 times, what was going on in the relationship between the two of them at the time of the cheating (not that that excuses cheating, but it could shed light on where she was coming from which could help in the healing process). Understanding the other person's side of things and what was going on in their head can help. Have both of you discussed this or is this one of the things she refuses to discuss. Getting at the root of the cheating rather than the details of it, will help you make a decision as to whether or not you can trust her in the future.

[Rabican]

Once you know EXACTLY what happened, it will almost be worse than not knowing. Not knowing is bad because you make up every crazy f#$%*Ed up scenario in your head and itll drive you insane wondering what she did. Knowing is just as bad because now you KNOW and you will picture it, you will play it over and over in your mind. Only you know which of these will work for you to give it a second chance.

 

If you need to know, tell her simply that its either over, or she comes clean 110% Shes the one that broke the trust and damaged your relationship. so now the ball is in her court, its her turn to do everything to make it work. She needs to start jumping through hoops, walking on fire, bending over backwards etc. to ease your pain, and make you able to trust her again. If she cannot do that after what she has already done then there is no chance for this relationship to work out.

 

That said, I couldl not forgive cheating with 3 different people.. I just couldnt. Also how did you find out, did you catch her or did she confess out of guilt? Confessing would show me that she was more remorsefull and wants to change. Simply being caught and now shes sorry would make me wonder if shes just afraid to lose her security blanket.

[hogan10]

thanks rabican,on each occasion she had denied it, it was only when I said a few things that she kind of tripped up on, that she came clean,even then she only admitted to the first two initially,I then managed to get her to confess to the most recent,after she admitted that all the money which I had put in the bank (she doesn't work) she had given to some guy to get drug dealers of his back,it was given over a period of weeks but some amounts were large.It was only when I scared her by saying if she had had sex with a drug user we need to go for medical clearance.At this point she paniced and confessed.On every occasion she claims sex only happened once (not sure if that makes it better or worse) and each time she as come back to me and carried on as if nothing had happened.Apart from the most recent one which was discovered when I got to see the bank statements because she had taken the children with her mother to Orlando that I discovered the missing money and wormed out a confession.Even then,to begin with I had to disprove a lot of attempts at lying before I got the truth.

[Beec]

hogan10,

 

She is taking your money, giving it to some sleaze to pay off his drug debts (STEALING FROM YOU and YOUR CHILDREN in a sense), and having sex with him exposing both herself and you to diseases unknown, which may result in serious medical problems, expenses and leave your kids where.

 

And then when she is caught, she squirms and lies about it, until she finally sees that her lies are not getting ehr out of it.

 

How can you live with such a thing? Pack her bags, tell her to leave.

[yeawutever]

hogan10,

 

She is taking your money, giving it to some sleaze to pay off his drug debts (STEALING FROM YOU and YOUR CHILDREN in a sense), and having sex with him exposing both herself and you to diseases unknown, which may result in serious medical problems, expenses and leave your kids where.

 

And then when she is caught, she squirms and lies about it, until she finally sees that her lies are not getting ehr out of it.

 

How can you live with such a thing? Pack her bags, tell her to leave.

 

Right on to the point Beec, couldn't have say it better. If she did that on three occasions and stole your money, then it's likely she will steal, lie and cheat again until she's thrown out.

[doman]

Hogan10, WOW!! You are in a tough situation for sure. I know because just 5 weeks ago, I learned that my wife also slept with 3 guys over the last two years for a total of 8 times.

 

I COMPLETELY agree wtih you about wanting to know the details. It has been pointed out that knowing can be just as bad...and that you have to decide how important that is.

 

For me, it was VERY important that I knew. Call it a need to know the circumstances, was it heat of the moment, was it an "accident", did the other person force the issue. I wanted to know every detail. I HATE knowing all of the details but I would hate MORE to not know anything at all. I can fairly honestly say I would have sent my wife packing if she was unwilling to disclose the events of what happened.

 

If you read my first post to this forum, you can see all of my details, but the main thing about my situation is that I caught my wife immediately after #3...and she immediately went into counseling. She said she wanted to do what ever I wanted to earn my trust again...that she would never let her self get in that position again. She was very apologetic and obviously remorseful. And I made her tell me everything. She didn't want to...and she resisted...begging me not to ask for the details...but I persisted. Unfortunately, she was drunk...having drank more than she had ever drank in the 17 years I knew her, but she told me what she could remember.

 

It hurt to know the details, but at least I was able to process the information You can call it justification or rationalization or whatever...just so long as I wasn't guessing as to how, what, who, why, when, what was I doing, where was I, how did it happen, what did they do, etc.

 

My wife was not immediately honest about the first two. She tells me now that it was that it was in the past...and she didn't want to hurt me any more...and that she was going to change and never let it happen again.

 

Well, I found out about the other two...well, sort of, but to keep this post short, she ended up telling me about two other guys. The point I wanted to make is that her counselor had advised her AGAINST telling me. Now, I like the counselor, so I don't fault him...but she was eaten up with guilt. She was guilty...and she felt guily. She looked like crap...and I just thought it was something else. When it started to come out (it was either my wife tell me...or she was about to kill her self, she was that bad off).

 

When it started to come out...she again did not want to tell me the details. She said that the counselor advised that if it did come out, that he advised against going into the details. I persisted again.

 

I am glad she did...because I had to know. It sucks to know how many times...the level of dishonesty that my wife sunk to...to know that while I was doing good things...she was sneaking around, etc.

 

But I can pretty much assure you that if I didn't know the details...we wouldn't be together right now.

 

But nobody can tell you to walk away from your wife. You have replied with a few other details about the circumstances. It sure doesn't sound good that she gave away money, etc. Although, that presents another issue altogether having a wife that doesn't work.

 

WOW! You are definitely in a tough one. Obvisouly your wife made a decesion knowing what the conequences...but putting her out is a pretty major thing...and I know that is tough for you.

 

Personally, I agree with the idea if she is not willing to do whatever you want, in any regard, then she should go. I told my wife I get 8 MAJOR f$&* ups...one for each of hers! I told her I wouldn't sleep with anybody...but I get 8 "get out of the doghouse" cards to play when ever I want. She agreed! Being completely open and willing to talk to you about anything you so desire is just part of her repentence, IMHO.