doman

Hello everybody. It has been a 1.5 years since first catching her with what appeared to be an "accidental, drunken, one night stand". It has been almost 1 full year since I found out about the full extent of my wife's cheating that involved two other guys over two more years. We are getting along great...and you would think nothing ever happened...but I CAN'T FORGET!!!! What she did is still in the back of my mind. I think of the guy climbing the stairs in our house to go have sex with my wife. The fact that I came home later that night and she would lie there like nothing had happened. When she goes missing sometimes for periods of time (normally no big deal) but now...the first thing on my mind is that two years ago...she might have been with one of those guys. When my wife says sweet things...I reply with sweet things...but in the back of my mind I think of how she cheated on me. I also find it hard to initate sweet things. I used to sign all of my emails to her with oxox. I used to do a lot of sweet things...but I just can't. I don't really even tell her I love her except when she tells me that she loves me first...and she does that like 10 times a day. She willingly has sex with me pretty much when I ever I want (if she feels ok)...or when she thinks I should need it. She just sent me a text message that said, "How about sex and then we run". It has been a few days...so I am sure she is thinking that it has been a while. But when I got the message...I swear I thought maybe she sent it to the wrong person. I mean she hasn't done ANYTHING else to warrant the mistrust. She has completely stopped drinking...and seems to be 110% committed to loving me, being happy wtih me...and trying to make me happy no matter what. But I still have that nagging thought that every time she does something nice...that she is a cheater...and that she slept with three other guys. I try to tell my self that it was just her sickness...that she had been sick for a very long time. And she got off into drinking...and that I should forgive her like I would want forgiveness if I relapsed. But it just seems different. It seems like she was My wife is still on medication...and she is relatively happy. But I hate the fact that she has to be on medicine. It seems to make her so wired. Things that used to bother her...might bother her for a second...but she seems to let go of things a lot easier...and get back to being "happy go lucky". She had tried getting off of Zolofot...but got depressed again. She is now on Cymbalta, 60mg. I think the medicine sucks. She takes medications for everything...over the counter stuff...mostly antihistamines, Tylenol, Excedrin, gas relief. But when I said earlier that she will have sex with me pretty much any time I want...IF she is feeling ok. Problem is that she is never feeling good. She is always sick with something. Ate too much, allergies are messing her up, something. And then when we do get together...it is pretty obvious she is just doing it for me...even though she has a good attitude about it...because of the SSRI...she just doesn't really want it, need it...or enjoy it! Anyway, I have been wanting to write and update what has been going on for some time. But when I got that text message this morning...I just about lost it. I have been going to AA meetings regularly here locally...but it is not the same as here. You just can't open up and start talking and asking for feedback like here. But I have got to ask. When, if ever, will I forget? Will I always remember? Actually, I have a specific question. I want to stop thinking bad thoughts when she does something nice. HOW?????? How do I do this? When she asks...want to go make love? I don't want to say yes, but think how she cheated on me. What can I do physically to retrain my brain? Thanks!

Hey Kitten, Thanks for the very thorough reply. That is some real insight. A honeymoon for AFTER the affair. VERY interesting concept...and makes perfect sense. Hey Rodeo-rider, thanks for the VERY kind comment. When I think of my wife as a sick person, I do ok. It is only when I start thinking of my own feelings and rights that I feel hurt. I still feel hurt almost every day. I just think it is strange that the times that I remember...are when she is being nice, and loveing to me. Just the second she says something sweet (like yesterday), that the thoughts of what she did go racing through my head. Like yesterday, I mentioned I had noticed a bunch of new gray hairs...and she replied how good I looked and how well I was aging....and that I was looking better and better. And I thought, well why couldn't you have remembered that two years ago when you started sleeping around on me. And then, I have to remember, oh yeah, she is sick. And I have to remember how I would want to be treated if I relapsed and started drinking again...and then got back in to recovery. According to my wife, from since before we ever date 18 years ago, she used sex as a way to feel better about herself...and that she has never been happy. So, I have had to look at her as having 15 years of "sobriety" before she relapsed and slept around. But you know, I can't help but wonder (from Kitten's and RRs posts, as well as others) how much different it is for a woman to be cheated on. I mean, I feel bad about what happened...even now, even on a good day. But I release that it could have been a lot worse. RR, I hope that your suspicions don't pan out...but if they do...you are in the right place to get things worked out. Hey IKK, yeah, most of those questions have been addressed. The lack of a child is definitely a factor in her depression. We watch one friend after another have their first child about 7 years ago...when she first wanted us to have a child. Then, a couple of years ago, we watched another round have their child, including her best friend...who is the one whose husband she slept with (with the wifes permission). Actually, he is not all that much younger than I. ALthough that was not much of a factor, I have been aware of the signficance of he desiring me to dress the look of younger people. I actually look really young. My students are always shocked to learn that I am the same age as their parents. I have dirty blond hair...and I play tennis and otherwise work out regularly. But anyway, I think the lack of a child, and the issues of failure are very much relevant. Also, the lack of her own success with a career. She says that she didn't think I loved her any more...and that I didn't even like her...and that she felt that the end of our relationship was near, and that is partly why she strayed. She admits that she was wrong...and she is not arguing what she did was wrong...just trying to explain her position. Unfortunately, it is really a huge miscommunication...at least that is the best I can figure. Basically, from my point of view, I stopped asking her to help me...and let her grow apart from me in the name of "giving her her freedom". I just didn't reliease that the friends that I thought were good for her...would talk her in to such a strange releationship of allowing a best friend to help her husband out for sexual responsibilities. I think then, that just started in a nasty downward turn of everything that resulted in more cheating...and the death of her friend. We have always had good times...and we have always been close...even in the midst of the last two years...which made things so confusing to find out that she was sleeping around). Both today and before...our best times are when we together doing things. Like when we went skiing recently. Or like we will go to the big city near by and go shopping, etc. We usually go out to eat each evening...and we work out together. Recently, she has been helping me keep up at work, so we have been spending even more time together. Actually, in the back of my mind, I don't see that anything ever was really wrong. I know she was sad about not having children. But she seemed so happy about having close friends. I knew she was starting to drink alot...but that was about the only clue that something was wrong. We were still having regular sex...if not more so as we were still trying to have children naturally. And we were still doing lots of things together, especially on the weekends. It was REALLY a shock to learn that she was going out to get MORE sex than we were already having. It is something that does cross my time even now. What if things are going very well...and she decides to sleep around again? I guess I cant really know. I do know that she does not drink...at least not around me. And she is outwardly working on being a better person. She is extra sweet to me when we talk on the phone...and always comes up and give me a good hug and a kiss when see each other for the first time each day. I just got to keep my thoughts on the present day...and not dwell on the past.

Hello. Thanks for the feedback. Jen, yes, she was apparently much more depressed than I thought. I just listened to a fight that we had in Oct 04 (I had a recording on my Palm)...and I heard things in a different light in that fight. It was our last really big fight. When she made an agreement to sleep with her best friends husband, it was shortly after that fight. I thought things had improved after the fight, and that we were getting along. After listening to the fight again last night...I think she made a conscious decision to start drinking...at least that is pretty much what happened. Drinking was a big factor apparently...more so than I realized. The last person she slept with was a near black out. That was in March. I found out about that person at 5:00 am the next morning as she tried to sneak back in the house. Anyway, the rest of the details are in my first post...the point is that she agreed that day to not drink again...and she hasn't. She really has been working hard at changing her ways. She stopped hanging around the people that got all this started. She started going to counseling. She restarted doing things with and for me and us....with good spirits about it. It was only later that I found out about the other two people that had occurred previous to the drunken incident. Point is, about the warning for the drinking...tahnkfully, she has resummed a vountarily and willing position to NOT drink again. For our first 14 years together, she didn't drink out of respect for me. Then, it started to creep in...and then over the last 2 years up until March when she hit her bottom. She isn't going to AA, but she seems to be ok no drinking. Thanks Ron for your comments...here and PMs. Good points...and I will work on doing just what you recommend.

Funny you should ask that. I have always thought my wife couldn't handle kids. She did great with the kids of other parents. But it was nice when it was time to go home. I now understand that there is a LOT that contributed to her depression...and all of the "events" that have happened in the past two years. I used to think the lack of kids was a large part of it...but now, I see that the depression was much deeper, going much further back. Well, I have been wanting to visit back here and post an update. It has been almost three months since I learned of how messed up my wife really was. She has been on Zoloft for the past 1.5 months, and she is definitely much improved in terms of general happiness. She is more like the little girl I started dating when she was 18 in that she is wanting to be with me no matter what, trying to help me with all of my responsilbilities...and she seems like she is legitimately happy with spending time with me and doing things together...even if we are just working. She has happily vounteered to start assisting with the weddings I do. She is offering to come up to help me at school (although I decline the offer) and she is always asking what can she do to help. But I am really confused. 1. This behavior seems to be a lot of what I THOUGHT was causing her to be depressed in the first place...and that is her not really being happy with where she is in our life. We are playing more...went skiing during Thanksgiving break, went camping this last weekend (even if it was a student field trip) and we are back to doing everything together...just like we were for the first 15 years. Lots of sex (just not satisfying her...see below). But the first 15 years ended with 2 years of her sleeping around. Now, obviously there is a lot more to it than just that, but at least on the surface...the first part of our life together produced a rather unpleasant result. 2. Must she really be medicated to be happy???? One of my students designed a Health Poster (required for class) that read, "A Happy Family is a Medicated Fammily" with a bottle of pills as a clip art. I looked at that pictures and just wanted to laugh, cry, etc.!!! That is so true!!! I was happy before she was medicated...and before I knew the truth that she was so UNhappy, she cheated on me, herself, etc. Now, she is happy (thanks Zoloft) and I am sad. Now that the medicine seems to have levalized her (she went in after three weeks...and he kept her on the same dossage), I have been recommending that she cut teh dosage in half. She has been gaining wait RAPIDLY. She eats as much as I do...and is always hungry. For 17 years, she would eat HALF what I ate. I always had to be careful because I would eat her leftovers. And, although she is happier and wants to have sex more (although partly to keep me happy)...and I can not "satisfy her for anything!! It is classic side effects of zoloft. I have sited the pages to her...but she is hesitant to cutting the dosage. I showed her a site where a lady explains that she has to cut the dosage in "THE" two weeks of the month when she really needs the full amount, but to improve sexual satisfaction and wieght control, she cuts the pills in half. I guess the thing that concerns me is how will she ever get off the pills? I have asked her to increase her counseling sessions to work through the issues that reult in her feeling depressed WHILE she is on the zoloft, but she is not making it a prioirty...and I don't want to put any pressure on her. So, anyway, although more time has lapsed, and I think about it less often...I am still very saddened by all this. Just last night, watching the end of the season finale of Heros, and one of hte main charachters had his wife cheat on him. His partner is trying to give him advice. My wife and I just sitting there...it is very awkward. It is amazing how often cheating is mentioned on TV. I personally don't even like watching Sopranos anymore...and I wish she wouldn't watch Greys Anatomy. I actually think that GA specificially desensitized her into some of her indescretion. The worst part is that anytime she says something nice to me...like how much she loves me...or what a great guy...or how cute I am...it just makes me want to be sick. No matter how good a mood I am in...the second she says, "I love you" I flash back to reality that she cheated on me. I will be cooking supper...she will thank me for cooking and always cleaning up etc., and I will be reminded of what happened...thinking to myself, "yeah, if I am so great...why did you cheat on me???".

Well, New Horizons, I'll be honest. I want to know because 1) if my wife is willing to have sex with three other guys, then she has GOT to want to have sex more than she was leading me on to believe. And 2) if she was willing to do it in a car in a parking lot...or with the guys wife waiting in the other room, then she sure as heck better not turn me down the next time I want to do it some where strange. It has been about 17 years since we have done it anywhere even remotely strange. Like once we did it in a university photo darkroom. It is not that I haven't asked since then...she just always says no. So to find out just 9 months ago, she went to meet a guy getting off from work and they did it in the car...that frustrates me even more so. It definitely sucks to know...but deep down, I just want her to be that premiscuous with me. Actually, I just want her to want me right now. She is so dang depressed...she doesn't even want to live. She is WILLING to have sex with me anytime I want...but it isn't any fun because I know her heart isn't there. So, maybe making them tell us everything is so great. I think it just made my wife feel worse about what she did. So, maybe if your wife is really, and truly remorseful, maybe making them tell us has a bad side effect for them as well.

Hogan10, WOW!! You are in a tough situation for sure. I know because just 5 weeks ago, I learned that my wife also slept with 3 guys over the last two years for a total of 8 times. I COMPLETELY agree wtih you about wanting to know the details. It has been pointed out that knowing can be just as bad...and that you have to decide how important that is. For me, it was VERY important that I knew. Call it a need to know the circumstances, was it heat of the moment, was it an "accident", did the other person force the issue. I wanted to know every detail. I HATE knowing all of the details but I would hate MORE to not know anything at all. I can fairly honestly say I would have sent my wife packing if she was unwilling to disclose the events of what happened. If you read my first post to this forum, you can see all of my details, but the main thing about my situation is that I caught my wife immediately after #3...and she immediately went into counseling. She said she wanted to do what ever I wanted to earn my trust again...that she would never let her self get in that position again. She was very apologetic and obviously remorseful. And I made her tell me everything. She didn't want to...and she resisted...begging me not to ask for the details...but I persisted. Unfortunately, she was drunk...having drank more than she had ever drank in the 17 years I knew her, but she told me what she could remember. It hurt to know the details, but at least I was able to process the information You can call it justification or rationalization or whatever...just so long as I wasn't guessing as to how, what, who, why, when, what was I doing, where was I, how did it happen, what did they do, etc. My wife was not immediately honest about the first two. She tells me now that it was that it was in the past...and she didn't want to hurt me any more...and that she was going to change and never let it happen again. Well, I found out about the other two...well, sort of, but to keep this post short, she ended up telling me about two other guys. The point I wanted to make is that her counselor had advised her AGAINST telling me. Now, I like the counselor, so I don't fault him...but she was eaten up with guilt. She was guilty...and she felt guily. She looked like crap...and I just thought it was something else. When it started to come out (it was either my wife tell me...or she was about to kill her self, she was that bad off). When it started to come out...she again did not want to tell me the details. She said that the counselor advised that if it did come out, that he advised against going into the details. I persisted again. I am glad she did...because I had to know. It sucks to know how many times...the level of dishonesty that my wife sunk to...to know that while I was doing good things...she was sneaking around, etc. But I can pretty much assure you that if I didn't know the details...we wouldn't be together right now. But nobody can tell you to walk away from your wife. You have replied with a few other details about the circumstances. It sure doesn't sound good that she gave away money, etc. Although, that presents another issue altogether having a wife that doesn't work. WOW! You are definitely in a tough one. Obvisouly your wife made a decesion knowing what the conequences...but putting her out is a pretty major thing...and I know that is tough for you. Personally, I agree with the idea if she is not willing to do whatever you want, in any regard, then she should go. I told my wife I get 8 MAJOR f$&* ups...one for each of hers! I told her I wouldn't sleep with anybody...but I get 8 "get out of the doghouse" cards to play when ever I want. She agreed! Being completely open and willing to talk to you about anything you so desire is just part of her repentence, IMHO.

Well, my wife went to the Psyc today...and was prescribed Zoloft. I have just been reading the side effects. 1. Weight Gain, 2. Lower sex drive. Those two have got to be the worst combination. I just don't see how this drug is going to help her be less depressed. If she gains any more weight, she is going to get even more depressed. And if I get even less sex, I am going to get depressed! I remained optimistic about this test on Zoloft, but that is because of you alls positive reassurance that the AD would help. Are you all SURE? Sure seems like some real nasty side effects.

Thanks s_finch. You are correct. Thanks for such an insightful reply...you definitely paid attention to the fine details. I have thought for quite some time that there was a "reason" she wasn't getting pregnant. When we were looking at doing an IVF (after the three failed IUIs), I wanted to go to our pastor to consider the ethical issues of FORCING her to get pregnant. In the back of my mind, I have thought many times that she would not be able to "handle" it (kids that is). I figured God had already given us our answer to having children. And I thought doing an IVF was going to be too much. Well, the IVF failed, that was August last year. She took it pretty hard. She loves the kids of our friends. Took all kinds of care of the kids of her friend who killed herself. I always asked my wife if she could just be happy with raising our friends kids...but that is before she slept with the husband...and then the brother of the husband, etc. Well, in her defense...she did say she needed counseling a long time ago. I just had no idea how serious it was. At least she is getting help now. What a way to learn a lesson that your wife needs help!.

Thanks Rustygirl. You had really good suggestions and insight. I will definitely try out some of your strategies. Thanks for taking the time to write such a long detailed and thorough response based on all of the input. I really feel like you understand the complicated relationship that I have been in for the past 17+ years. As far as a trial sep, I know you were just suggesting it as a last resort...but as we are, we are actually doing quite well...but then I thought we were doing fine when she was sleeping around. But, regardless, I will keep the suggestion in mind if things get crazy again. It is just in my mind where I fight the battles now. I know she is still struggling with the guilt and I am struggling with the memory...but our relationship toward each other seems to be growing based on the present and the fun things we are doing together right now.

Mike and Rabican, Wow! You two drive a hard bargin. I know she is wrong. And it still hurts. Everytime she tells me she loves me (nowadays), or I say something affectionate to her, it thoughts of how she cheated on me go racing through my head. Just last night, I laid down to go to sleep. She was already sleeping. (She had gone up about 10 minutes before me as I closed up everything, etc.) And I just lay there looking at her....and I couldn't stand the thought of what she did. It is still very tough to digest. BUT, you have to consider our history. I was 21 when we started dating. She was 18. I am now 38. I am no spring chicken. I am not bad looking, but I have vitiligo, which I hate. I wear makeup for the first few months of school until my dark tan fades on my face...but my hands, etc. are just plain white. It's ugly. Forget the vitaligo...I just couldn't imagine dating again. Honestly, I now realize just how messed up my wife is. When we first started dating, I knew right awy that she was unnaturally codependent....she couldn't do anything by herself. About 6 years ago, she started, finally, getting to where she didn't need me necessarily around her constonatly, but she still wanted somebody. It was pretty strange. And I did committ to staying with her knowing how dependent she was. For the first 10-11 years, she was home a lot waiting for me. Or, she would come up to work with me. I remember one year, when I did the school yearbook, I dedicated it to her because she worked 10-20 hours a week up at school helping me. Between the two of us, we worked 100+ hours a week. I know this is only meaningful to me...but we have been through most of our lives together...well at least we have been together for more years than we haven't. We survived 6 years in our own business, both of us working side-by-side, having NO money, which is very tough. She was lonely, and it was frustrating. Ron reminds me to forgive myself...but I am to blame for many of the frustrations that we have had as a couple. Ultimately, she made the decision to sleep with another man, which still boggles my mind. But, it just proves how sad she really was. I won't lie and say I don't imagine what it would be like if I told her to take a hike. Perhaps life would be easier not having to deal with her drama. But, I really believe it would be the wrong thing. I feel responsible for taking care of her. And, however right or wrong, I feel responsible for her happiness...which, for many years, I failed at doing.

Well, actually, it was 8 times, with 3 guys. She didn't want to tell me spefici details when I found all this out on Spet 9th, but I dragged it out of her. She said the counserlor said it was not good to know specific details. But to me, doubt and not knowing is worse than knowing. Can't process what I don't know. So, she told me all of the specifics. Actually, I look at the first guy. His wife asked my wife to sleep with him...to help her out. She had just had their second baby...and she couldn't keep up with her husbands needs. So, she asked my wife as a favor. My wife said no at first. But the friend kept the pressure on...showed her some video, etc. Now I don't know how much of what my wife did was "being a friend" or how much she wanted to go ahead and do it. But, according to all three people's story (well, one is dead...but from what I heard she said) was that my wife did not agree to it at first. They apparently slept together three times. Each time the wife was in the other room...and according to my wife and the guy, they wouldn't even finish...but the guy woudl go finish with the wife. But whatever, that set up a nasty chain of events. My wife was riddled with guilt. She had effectively isolated herself from me by harboring such a horrible secrete. I can see how that lead to the 2nd guy. That last two times. Then, the third time was while she was drunk. According to my wife, in her recent honest discussion, was still completely an accident. Although, obviously, the propensity to stray was there, drunk or not. She says that she had broken it off with the 2nd guy, and was changing her ways. But, she was still quite depressed. Not seeing a counselor yet...got drunk...and selpt with the 3rd guy, which is when I caught her in the middle of the night. Anyway, point is...why should I forgive her? Becuase it is the right thing to do. Now actually doing it...that is a different story. Still waiting for the peace of forgiveness to fall on me. I know it will happen in time. I just still feel the pain in my chest...and my stomach...and my eyes. The energy it takes to stay strong and positive is exhausting.

Sorry Ron if I seem like I am venting the same stuff. I was just responding to the new post made wtih some good insight and feed back. I am not one to tell 5 people the same story. It isn't like I am posting this stuff in new threads, or other online sites. It's not that I am OPPOSED to seeing a counselor. This is only the third week to "know". Her counselor is willing to see us both and/or me. But he doesn't have any open appt to see me after school. He was going to cancel another person to see us both...but neither my wife nor I wanted him to cancel on somebody else. So, I have been on standby waiting for an afternoon spot to come open. The receptionist has called a couple of times with openings that came open by cancelation...but they have all been during the school day. I COULD leave...but getting a sub for one class period is a real pain in my scheduling day as it takes me LONGER to prepare a lesson for a sub, than it does for me to prepare what the students really need to be doing right now. I know I am just making excuses. I will evnetually get in to see him. I know I could go to another, but then I would have to explain EVERYTHING. This counselor actually saw both the husband (the one she slept with first) and his wife (the one who killed herself). In fact, I sat in a suicide grief class with this counselor leading, etc. for 6-8 weeks BEFORE I knew the real story behing everything. He is a good, christian based counselor. I have appreciated the work he has done with my wife...and in the couple of times I have talked with him and his comments to me about how I have been dealing with things. Point is...I will get into see him at some point. In the mean time, I have just been looking to you guys on how to deal with this. Although I will go see him...I still feel like it will be a waste. I have wanted to hear from other people who have gone through this exact thing...what did they do to move on? What are some specific things they tried to forgive and forget? How long did it take? Did (or has) their been any successes? Or are we doomed? I have also been using this as a way of writing about my feelings. This counselor is big on getting you to write...as he has my wife write a journal every day. I know a counselor is helpful. Bottomline, I guess if I felt bad enough I would do whatever I need to get to him. But I don't think it is about being "man enough". I just don't think there is a lot he can tell me...that I can't learn from guys like you...that have been there. In fact, I would expect about the same sort of treatment that you just gave me in your last post. You know, the "Ok now, that's enough...quit feeling sorry for yourself. You may be paying me to listen to you, but it is time for you to quit living in the past, quit focusing on the problem, and start focusing on the solution, etc.". Ok, so maybe no counselor would ever say that...but I equate going to a counselor about the same as going to an AA meeting and saying, "I am having a problem with a resentment"...and then turning the topic over for the group to talk about. You only make that mistake once...even in AA. For the next 55 mins, you are in the hotseat...and they are telling you what you already know. It's not like I want to woller in self pity...and I am looking for you guys to pity me. And it's not like I don't know what I need to do to get past this. ](*,) I am just still deeply sadden by it. When I look at my wife, I think of how she cheated on me. I shake it off my mind...and try to focus on the positive things...but I just still don't understand the mind of my wife, that I thought I knew pretty well. I may never understand her. Actually, my thinking lately has been that she must have been fairly psychotic. As I wrote to my wife just today (she has a meeting with her counselor right now) that I just don't understand how she did it with a stranger in a car in a parking garage. We are talking about a girl who doesn't even like the blinds open at our house...at night...and we sleep upstairs...and are not right next to the window. It doesn't help that I happen to by in the BUSIEST part of the school year. My wfie and I started a evening Spanish class. It has been fun studying with her...but it is making the amount of free time even less. Thanks for the feedback Ron.

Hello. Thanks newmomq for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. You hit the nail on several areas. Since my last visit here, my wife told a a friend of hers that she has been getting closer to since the suicide of their mutal best friend. My wife had been having a great deal of stress over the fact that she didn't know if this new friendship was being founded on secrecy...so she told this friend...who was very nice about it...unlike another friend who has completely disowned my wife. Anyway, point is, my wife told me what happened...and it naturally brought the topic up...which for the most point, I have been avoiding...I don't want her to know how bad it really hurts. It is obvious that she is in a great deal of pain. I would say there is no doubt in my mind that she is sorry...except their was no doubt in my mind that she loved me when she was obviously hidding a great deal from me. Anyway, she asked me point blank how I was feeling and doing...and I told her not to ask...that I didn't want to tell her. Well, I did. I told her it still really hurt. I told her that not a minute passes that I don't think about what she did...but that I was firm in my resolve to put it behind us and to focus on the solution. She cried. And I told her not to ask me again how I felt...because I didn't want her to feel bad. She said that she felt bad no matter what and that she wanted me to be able to talk to her about it. I told her that I didn't want her to think that I wasn't upset...or that it didn't hurt...but that I would not discuss it with her again...so not to ask. I would like to say that I have felt better...and for the most part...I have...but it still surprises me how many times it crosses my mind. Just about any time that I am free to think...my thoughts wonder to what she did. Especially when I am driving around, to and from work etc. I try to listen to music to block the thoughts from my head, but it just doesn't leave my mind. As far as the school issue, yes, it did hurt her. And you are quite correct about the failures, etc. She is working on it...and I think she is doing better...as least in her verbage. She is really hard on herself. She is petite, and in good shape, and quite pretty, but she is very derogatory toward her appearance...so you are quite correct again in the low selfesteem. What is frustrating though is that even though she may have initially seeked the attention of SOMEBODY...she didn't get it from them anymore than she was getting it from me. Which makes me sick to my stomach that she slept with somebody for nothing. I was here...we just weren't communicating real well. I know she is greatful for me...and that she is truly sorry. It just hurts when she tells me she loves me because I think..."but you told me you loved me two years ago when where sleeping around, and then last November, and then in January". One of those time, I was on a student field trip, out of town, camping with my students. I remember she told me she loved me that night...right after she had invited a guy into our house!?!?!? Then the next time, she left the house while I was gone for only a couple of hours...met the guy and did it in a car right out in the parking garage!?!?!?! I mean, how can you (menaing me) forget something like that????? The five times she went to the couples house are just as objectionable, as is the one time she was drunk over at the same house with the third guy, but it is that one guy at work where she just seeked him out, invited him to our house, went up stairs and slept with him in our bed...that really pisses me off. And now that I think about it...whose car did they do it in???? I don't know what, but that just really pisses me off the most. Coming up on a month of knowing...and I still want to just throw up when I think about.

Well, not really. Of our closest friends, 1) one is dead 2) another she slept with 3) won't talk to us because they blame my wife for the death of our friend or 4) don't specifically know...although I want to tell them. We have been making new friends...but I can't tell them either. Besides, what can they say. I know Ron wants me to get to a counselor. I haven't even been able to make an AA meeting since all of this (except for one the day I found out). Just too busy. When school is out, I have other work todo...or I am spending time wtih my wife. I can't imagine what they would say anyway. It jsut sucks...and I want the thoughts to leave. I want to be happy with her. It is a rather difficult situation. I want to discuss this with the one person that was my closest friend. I don't have a lot of friends. Guys generally don't...at least my dad didn't...and I normally feel pretty good about not having a bunch of friends. But I sure feel alone on this one...except for this website. And I feel like she is going to find out. It is so difficult always being positive around her...when it is constant on my mind. Thanks for the feedback...and the positive sentiments about what I am going through. I hardly slept at all last night. There is hardly a moment that passes that I am not thinking about this. Only when I am really busy does it leave my mind. I'll be waiting on a serve (tennis)...and the thought will cross my mind that she cheated on me. When I am alone and only semi active, it is really on my mind. I just want the thoughts to go away. I have never had a desire to go back in time to undo something...but I sure do now.

I just don't understand how I am supposed to forget. I feel fine...and then I am reminded of what happened. Yesterday, we were having fun working on a home project...and then I saw some pictures from her work Christmas party...where one of the guys was there...and it was just weeks after they snuck around me...and I was taking LOTS of pictures (I am a photographer) of her and her co-workers...many of whom knew. NOW, I feel like such an idot. I just don't know how to process this feeling...I feel fine...and then I am overwhelmed with confusion...and hurt. I want to lash out at her...but I can't. I don't understand...and I want to ask her why...how. We will be wathcing TV...and there will be an episode where somebody is cheating on somebody else. Like she watches Gray's Anatomy. I swear that show is EVIL...as all they do is sleep with everybody. No big deal...except when they are cheating with married people. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. We cook breakfast together on the weekends. We did this past Saturday. She tells me what a wonderful husband I am...and it makes me sick. I jsut want to ask her why she did it. Why did she have to sleep with somebody else. I can't even say anything to her. She is so fragile. She feels so guilty already. She already doesn't think she deserves to live. How can I be mad at her...but I am still hurt.

Thanks Caro33 for the reply. Makes a lot of sense. I guess something else playing in my mind is that the friend who killed herself had just started taking ADs. She was having a REAL adverse affect. She started them on Friday...she was dead by the next Friday. She was already having trouble sleeping and eating. Basically, by the time the next Friday had rolled around, she was completely sleep deprived, completely food deprived, and basically psychotic. There was a lot of talk between doctors, friends and family that she needed to be administed an anti-psychotic, but she had a history of seizures...and before any action was taken, she was left alone one morning and that was all it took. I was there with her three days before she died, trying to make sure she checked into a hospital. At the time, I didn't know she had arranged for my wife to sleep with her husband...so I didn't understand why she was pushing me away telling me that I didn't deserve her friendship. Anyway, point is, I saw her go from struggling to dead even with ADs...and the AD definitely didn't help...but rather seemed to have contributed to her spirally down. In fact, upon further research of ADs in general...and this one that she was point on, anxiety and a greater risk of suicide are listed as SIDE EFFECTS!!! I guess I am just scared...of course I don't want her to kill herself.

Hello. One of the things that bothers me is that despite my wife affirming that she loves me...she rarely wants to have sex. BUT, she clearly wants to have sex...with other people. So, it seems it just me. At least, she does not instigate it. Since learning of the extint of my wifes wandering, we have made love several time (3-4). And things have been good. But, there have been numerous times where I have approached her...and she turns me down. About 4 years ago, I learned to not EXPECT sex. I learned to just WAIT...until she offered it. I learned this other things as well, which I have shared in this thread...like not to tell her what I think. It is best just let her figure things out on her own. I also learned she is the boss. I may TRY to assert my will...but ultimately, she needs to be happy. Well, something backfired, because she went out for sex...with three other people, as I have shared in this thread. Well, here we are back to square one. She claims that I wasn't here for her...that she was lonely, and that is why she went wandering. She knows that is crap...and says she is not trying to use that as an excuse...or blame me...but that is just how she was feeling at the time. But more to the point...it was her that wasn't there. I have turned her down for sex maybe 3 times in 17 years. She turns me down 3 times a week. She ate too much, ate the wrong food. Too tired. Too sore (like from working out...not sex). etc., etc. Now, to be fair, most of the excuses are legitimate. Sometimes, we watch TV till I know she is too tired...and my hopes of making love go out the door. Used to be, I was ok with it...but now, it seems like more of an insult. Like I am not desireable to her, really. She says she loves me. She seems to and says she enjoys making love. But it is so easy for her to turn me down. And then I feel bad 1) that I expected it 2) that she didn't have any problem sleeping with somebody else. I mean, how did she feel on those 8 days. Half the time when we do make love, she doesn't feel great...and I know she is just doing it because she feels she ought to. Even if she has a good attitude about it...it makes me feel guilty. This is not something that I can even bring up with her. She is so depressed...she wishes she were dead. Which is making things even worse. I can't even share with her things that I get up set about because she is so close to a complete break down. Half the time I come home, I half expect her to have killed her self. Really. She wishes that it was her that was dead, not her friend. She doesn't see why she is left alive. So, I can't express ANY frustration at all around her. Should she be medicated? Her counselor has made a recommendation for her to go see a psychiatrist to be evaluated to see if she shoudl be medicated for depression. But both of us are resistant to that idea. I mean, who wants a wife who is happy because they are on happy pills?

Hey Candy604. I did tell her I loved her just like she is, and she asked if I got that from the book I was reading! Sheesh! I told her, no, I got it from a friend in a group I was a part of! I am going to do what you suggest about the shopping. We have done it before...but she is always sometimes picks the ugly things...and then she gets her feelings hurt. But I am going to go with a new attitude. She does work, but only makes about $1200 a month. She has over 90 hours of college...but it is really random...she has a ways to go to get a degree. I am really trying to encourage her to get to an advisor so she can take a course in the spring. Her current job will even pay for it. We (I) made a desicion for her to stop going 10 years ago when she kept nearly failing the classes...and we didn't have much money to spare anyway. College was really hard on her...but I think she has matured a lot since then...and will do fine if she focuses on one class at a time. But as far as the money, especially in recent years, since I returned to teaching and finally gave up being self employeed, our money situation has been improving...and she generally buys what ever she needs, with in reason, and for the most part, lots of things that she wants. I know she does feel money pressure. She used to blame me from making all of the financial decisions, but that is because I did, and we didn't have any. But, except for interest free plans, two cars and two house, we don't have any debt. WOW! I guess I should just say we don't have any bad, high interest rate or credit card debt. We have like 5 sources of income...I have three jobs, her job, and then a rent house. So, except for big things, I THINK she gets what she wants. We just put in new carpet in the house, new doors, 2nd air conditioner for the 2nd floor, new appliances, new garage doors, etc. In addition, I just painted the house over the summer...put up the crown molding she wanted in one room. I know she would like more money, but JEEE WIZZZZ...we have spent a BUNDLE!!! Thanks in part to Huricane Rita!

Well, she has been going to a counselor since the drunken incident in March. She told him about everything (about the other two and previous 7 times she was with another man) right off the bat...and she had made a lot of progress...especially before the death (suicide) of her friend that she had gone in cahoots with over the first guy. The death sent her on a tail spin and she was PRETTY messed up. She was messed up for a lot of reasons...but in particular (as I learned three weeks ago) about the unconfessed sin that was in large part of what killed her friend. She and the counselor had pretty much decided not to tell me. I knew about the last incident, and as far as my wife was concerend, she wasn't going to let it happen again, so why hurt me even more. The only reason she finally admitted ALL of her wrong doings was because I was receiving the anonymous emails...and I was defending my wife bigtime. In the mean time, the guilt was eating her up...not jsut about what she did to me...but for the guilt she felt about not being a better friend/Chirstian for her best friend she had ever had in her life. Anyway, point is that she has been making good progress. She made a lot of progress for the first 3 months in that she was sharing more with me. She was open about her feelings for the first time...ever. And before the death of her friend, we were getting along really well. I quickly forgave her (it was easy...she was drunk), and so, recovery seemed to come quickly. I think that is what has made this so confusing. We were already on the road to recovery. She was seeing a counselor and was working on herself. I offered to go any time she wanted me to. We were spending a lot of time together. We weren't arguing. We were working on our house, shopping together, just like the old days where we pretty much did EVERYTHING together. I wasn't spending much time at work, and then summer hit, and was taking her to work, fixing her lunch every day, going to sleep with her at the same time each night, etc. Then suicide, then two months of depression...and then the secrete revealled. So...what can I get from a counselor???? We are waiting for an opening in the afternoon for us both to get intogether...to talk about some of these long standing issues...but really, I have decided you are correct...WHO CARES what I look like...I am going to wear whatever she wants me to! But, what can I get from a individual counselor? I have never been a fan of a counselor. It took a long time (my wife had to sleep with three guys...although...I only knew about one of them) for me to realize my wife REALLY needed one. We went together to the first one...and I parted out to let them talk. That counselor didn't last but that one session...she just sat there and tried to get my wife to talk...which was a HUGE mistake. Wife came out of that session asking, "Do I have to go back to that person?". So, we found another...and she pretty much just said, "I am the one who needs the counselor...you don't need to go with me". To me, going to counselor is like going to an AA meeting and saying, "Hello, I am hainvg a problem with acceptance". And then for the next hour, you get told for one hour EVERYTHING that you already know...so after about the first person, you feel like a dodo for even saying anything. I mean, I already know what I need to be doing. WHat can counselor say? Or do that I don't already know??? I am not trying to be argumentative. On contrary, your adivce already has been incredibly inciteful. I wouldn't mind having a good friend to confide in...but I barely even have any friends...other than my wife. One of my closest friends was the guy she slept with!!! Ain't that the Jerry Springer kicker of them all??? I know that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today (pg 449). I know that the secrete to happiness is the serenity prayer, one day at a time, focus on the solution, let go let God, etc. I mean I have friends, but who all do you want to know your wife slept with three people. The ones who know, what can they say, but sit there an listen. What can a counselor say, except than listen? I can just write it down and pretend I told somebody, which is what I did. And then I found this site...and likes of you...seems just as useful as a counselor. Want me to PPal you some money for your time? Really, there is no point in talking about it any more. The only reason I came here and poured out my soul is to know how to deal with the memories. I will forgive her. I will work on the solution. I will accept her as she is, and work to be a great husband...but how do I deal with the thoughts. I know how to act...and I know it is just a matter of time...it just sucks to finish making love to her...and be thinking about what she did.

Iceman, you are right, it has been tough. Obviosuly, she is pretty pyshco. I knew she had challenges. but at this point, we have spent 17 years of my life with her. I am 38...no spring chicken any more. I don't know much of any other life...and can't imagine life with out her. I BELIEVE that if it happens again, I will figure out a way at that point to live with out her. I think the one things that makes this situation suck worse than say just one guy, is that there were three guys total. If it were an act of passion, or just happened, or anything other than three guys, two of them strategically planned and calculated around my schedule, etc. It is just that she was with me, committed to staying married during several fights many years ago (refusing to leave and/or even consider divorce). We did have a few close calls about 4 years ago, when she was packing her bags to leave when I came around to my senses and apologized once again for being a knuckle head. What really happened is that I decided I would not confront her about anything that I thought she was doing wrong, or if she was running over my rights, so be it. Our last BIG fight was in Oct 2004 when I questioned her about her coffee consumption. We had been trying to get her preganat for 6 years, trying ALL kinds of things, like Clomid (when she nearly killed me...well, threatned me with a knife anyway, while on that psychotic hormone) IUIs and eventually even two IVFs (VERY expensive procedures). She has dermagraphy (aka skin writing) and has major challenges when she gets off her medicine. Problem is that the medicine makes having children difficult. Add to the fact that she is constally worried or stressed about something, she is/has a hostile environment for trying to get pregnant. So, one morning, I asked her why she was drinking so much coffee. SHE FREAKING BLEW UP! I made a committment to NEVER question anything she was doing. It is hard to do.. coming from the classroom all day where I am very much in control over everything that goes on in my room. But, usually, I am pretty good about. NJRon, WOW! What insight you have. I don't blame myself, but in early 2005, when she "wandered" I was in "whatever you want to do, sweeitie" mode. She wanted to go watch the first guy play baseball (with his wife there also), I went to play tennis. I was ok with it. But, she claims she wanted to be with me. I have to chalk it up as a lack of communication! WOW!! What a consequence of not communicating. I thought we were doing pretty good. She was happy going over to these friends of ours. I guess they got so close, they thought they could do what they did. I went over there frequently also, but usually once a week and once on the weekend. But I guess that was not frequently enough. My wife was over there pretty much every day, helping the wife take care of their 5 year old, and their new born. I KNOW it is not my fault this happened...but I did let her stay out and about with these friends of our an extraordinary amount of time. There were many evenings I was home alone. But then, during the first 12-13 years, she was home alone ALOT waiting on me to come home from work. DUring the first few years of my teaching, I worked 60-80 a week AT school. Then, for two years, they gave me the yearbook, which bumped the hours per week to 80-100...and my wife actually came up to school to work 20 hours on top of her full week. When she found such a close friend, I was more than happy that she spent time over there. I thought our life was going the best it ever had. Our sex life even improved. We were not fighting. So, I do think it a lot of the responsibility falls to me for all of this happening. I don't think the second and third guy would have happened if it were not for the first. Although, really, now almost three weeks after finding out, I still don't know how she actually did this. You think after 15 years, you know a person. It is just mind boggeling that she wandered. We have slept together 3 times in the last couple of weeks, and generally, things are good between us. But, as I mentioned with my first post, when I lay there at night, I have a hard time putting it out of my mind.

Same boat here, well sort of. I really didn't want children, but it was obvious how important it was to my wife. So, we tried. Fortunately (YIKES...did I just admit that???), it didn't work. We spent 8 years and 15k to get it to work. You can check my other posts to see the depression and consequences it caused. I have 100+ kids a year to love (or hate) on, and they pretty much fill my love bucket. By the time summer rolls around, I am MORE than ready to be kid free. If she gets pregnant naturally at this point, then that would be a miracle...and a gift from God, and that would be nice I suppose. But I have drawn the line on spending any more money to TRY to get pregnant. I was just about to throw up when I signed a contract to spend another $3k a few months ago...KNOWING in my heart that it probably wasn't going to work...but it was THAT important to my wife. I guess the point of all this is...a child REALLY is important to the women. I do find it strange that it is so strong when she already has at least one. Are they not living with you all? Are they 9 or so years old? Are you very active in their upbringing? If not, can you agree to be more involved with the raising of the other child? Well, I do have one suggestion for you. I SWEAR I didn't do this...not on purpose. Agree to give it a try. Find a gym with a hot tub and join it. Then, when it is the right time of month, be sure to work out every day and sit in the hot tub for 15 mins. Then, if she gets pregnant...it was MEANT to be! The only reason I know this is that I was told NOT to sit in a hot tub...and for 5 years or so...I didn't sit in a hot tub.

Puppeteer, easier said than done. For one, I am committed to staying. I married her...I have to learn to deal with it. Quitting is not an option. Although, it does not help that she quit on me. She really seems to be trying...except, she definitely has more deep seeded issues than a normal person. It doesn't help that we JUST moved into a $150k home, etc. AND I KNOW she feels trapped, which is part of the problem. She doesn't have a huge earning capacity...and I KNOW it is frustrating to her. She saw her friend end up with out a job, in a divorce, two kids to support...and she decided to check out because she couldn't deal with it. My wife didn't finish school...in large part to my STRONG recommendation to stop. She really couldn't handle more than one class at a time. candy604, you hit the nail on the head. Despite being a cute, petite, 5', 115 lb cutie/hotie, she is not happy with her apperance...feels a tremondous amount of pressure to loose wieght, work out, etc. She was also adopted, and has a twin sister, who is more dominate, overbearing and downright controlling and annoying. NJRon, good points and questions again. I am NOT willing to throw it all away over a pair of jeans...I was just trying to explain her state of mind. I do LOTS of things (stylewise) just to make her happy. I wear these really small, modern glasses. She KNOWS I prefer my old glasses, but she really likes these, so unless I am doing something that I need a full size glass for, I wear these glasses for her. There are several shirts that she really likes that I wear when we are going out, etc. There are other things...but I guess not as many as I should. Like, she cuts my hair...and I know she would prefer that I style it...just no time...nor care to deal with a hair style. She cuts it short...and I love it. It just seems we have fought over jeans specifically...but it is everything together. Like she wants me to wear this batch of shorts that she got me...even though they are uncomfortably hot to me. I did buy two pairs of jeans, but apparently, she HATES them because they are striaght leg. I understand picking my battles...and I do try. I work out with wieghts because she likes me to. I wear cologne, because she likes me to. We go to movies because she likes then when she KNOWS I would MUCH rather enjoy our FINE home theater...no cell phone users, not hat wearing fools, etc. I do want to be happy. I do want to look good. And I feel that I do ok. But she puts SO DANG much pressure on how I look, it is difficult. She is so caught up in the materialistic looks. It is not that I am NOT standing up to her sleeping around...but short of kicking her out (she voluntarily left...but I told her she could come back), what else can I do. She has swore up and down she will not do it again and how sorry she is, etc.

Hello. I know it is tough for you. But you really should walk away. Don't be a factor in their splitting up...even it is falling apart on it's own, don't be an excuse for him to not work to keep them together. My wife just cheated on me...three different guys, two of them married...although one of them was with the wife in the front room. It SUCKS to be cheated on. At the same time, her sister is dating a married man. He has moved out...and has called it quits, but the sister didn't help. Instead of helping heal their marriage, she was busy getting what she wanted from him. Very selfish...and I hate that she is doing that to him and to the guys wife...evne if they had no hope of their own.

Well, I went to 3 meetings a day for two years, and then just a few a year as I got sucked into the life of a college student (a non drinking student working toward the Deans list each semester, etc.) I sobered up at 19, so it was pretty much just a life change. I NEVER really idenitified with other people enough to claim a sponsor...although I ABSOLUTELY admit that I am an alcoholic and try to work a balanced program none-the-less, albeit sans sponsor. It WOULD be nice to have one right now...but unless I am willing to sponsor, and regularly attend meetings, it is difficult to justify. Although, this past summer, I went to meetings regularly while off from school, actually trying to pick out a sponsor...and I just never found one I thought I could work with. As far as making excuses for her, yes, I am. Because of my being a recovering person, she refrained from drinking when we first got together...and, basically, we had a pretty dull life. I worked...she helped me work. About 8 years ago, I started working for a company part time, that eventually turned into full time for about 6 years, and then back to parttime, as it is now. Good parttime money...but very difficult full time, at least for me. The good thing that did come from it was couple friends, which are really hard to come by. Anyway, most of them drank, and she started to drink a little. Then, as she became more depressed about the inferitlity (and what I learned to be infidelity also), she started to drink more. Anyway, point is, yes, I do feel that she has been pretty depressed for the past 17 years. Just tonight, we got into our second fight in three days...the most we have fought since Oct 2004 (as long as you don't count her telling me about her infidelity a fight). Both times were centered around the idea that I am really not the man she wants me to be. Saturday, we fought once again about some current style blue jeans, you know, the ones that look like they are already dirty. I refuse to wear them...she bought me ANOTHER pair (we went through this a couple of years ago) of grungy jeans. She just doesn't understand that when they look dirty is how i know it is time to put them in the wash. Grungy jeans is too much of a flash back ot when I was little kid and my mom making me put my jeans in the wash. Anyway, the point is that she is on some sort of eternal kick to keep me young and modern...and she just doesn't understand that I don't want to wear jeans that are as thick at my ankles as my oversize thighs are. And I REALLY think it is a strong indication of what lead to her sleeping around in the first place.

Wow! What a tough position. Lots of good points on both sides. I just posted my story early today. My wife was going to keep two of the three guys a secrete...but it was eating her up. But then there were other variables such as the suicide of her best friend who was deeply invloved in the first act of infidelity. The catch for my wife was that I was receiving anonymous emails from a "dogooder". At first, the anonymous email was from a fictious email account...but then, two weeks ago, it came from an email that was real, although the idenity was still a secret. For one week, I argued back and forth with that person, insisting that my wife had told me everything, and they were spreading rumors. I was wrong...they were right. It got back to my wife that I was receiving the email, despite my attempt to shiled her from the unnecessary burden...but then I thought she was innocent. She pretty much had to tell me. I was apparently the only person in town who didn't know...and it was just a matter of time. But if you think you can keep it a secrete...and learn to deal with your own pain, then do so. I am glad that my wife is free of the burden of her secrete...as it really appeared to be killing her...with numerous suicidal comments. I had just htought she was really depressed over the death of her friend. Secretes a EVIL little things. If there is any chance that it IS going to come out, it probably will. Somebody will send him an anonymous email. And it will change things. It is too fresh for me to say things are going to get better, because right now, hardly a minutes goes buy that thoughts of her deceit don't run through my mind. I don't think she loves even though she says she does. And if she ever becomes so unhappy with me again, I fear she will do it again. But, as I shared in my original post...the worst part is that one of the guys was here in our new, fancy upstyle house!!! And we had only been in the new house for two months!