Do all guys do this?

[anna_k]

Okay. Update. I hope it doesn't come accross as 'whining'. Just thought I'd keep tabs on this. And maybe someone out there might go 'I do that!' and consider stopping because they need to realise that harmless jokes build up and it just makes the other person feel insecure and unwanted (and write very immature posts on here. Ha ha).

 

And before everyone asks: we have an important dinner with my faculty at uni next week and I just want it to be civil until then. That's why I'm still with him. After that, definitely hitting the road. It's probably unfair but it's been planned for ages.

 

So. What has he been doing since I last updated?

 

-We watched a movie and he did the same thing again. Pointed out his 'favourite' girl to me. Several times. And how the ending wasn't that great because his 'favourite' girl didn't return to the screen. Ok. I let that one go. I agreed that she was cute.

 

-We were having lunch when a tv show came on. He said that he really likes the show. Which was odd considering it was a kids show. Right, I know loads of guys who love this show because the girls on it are hot but he decides to tell me that he likes it because he's in love with the girl host and 'there's nothing you can do about it'.

 

Now, I know I should've kept with the joke and not have made a big deal of things (again) but instead, I made an excuse and left the room (in a small huff. I can't help it).

 

He's chuckles. Tells me not to get angry. Which in turn, makes me more angry.

[kellbell]

One piece of I advice I have learned the hard way...

 

People will treat you as you ALLOW them to treat you. As long as you stick around and take this kind of disrespect, it is going to continue. You have to take responsibilty for what you let happen.

 

No offense, but staying with this guy over a formal dinner is silly and a bit superficial. Either take someone else or not go. A dinner is just an event that will last a few hours, are you willing to carry on and jeapordize your emotional health and well-being over a fancy dinner?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He's a jerk, get rid of him

[anna_k]

Sorry that you have had to endure this kind of treatment. I know exactly what you are talking about, Im just going though a breakup with someone who does the exact same thing. Except, he's always ask me if i'd f*ck the girl. But alot of the time he'd always say "But nobody's as beautiful as my baby" and he'd kiss me. "sigh" Ohhh crap.

 

Thanks Sherrili.

 

And yes, I get that awful 'I'd sleep with her, would you?' question too. Also followed by a 'But I only want you, don't worry.' I wonder why they ask us? Honestly. It's so odd. I would love to know why they think asking us is a good idea.

 

I'm glad you're in the process of breaking-up with that person. Well, I am not *glad* (because break-ups are not fun) but I hope it all works out for you. I would love to hear your story because it sounds similar to mine. It can be through PM. No pressure but I'm just curious.

 

To Kellman: Yes, it is terribly superficial that I'm staying with him for a function. It's hard to explain the importance of the function without sounding elitist. But it is very important and as I said, it was oragnised long ago and taking someone else is not an option.

[SherriLi]

Hey there Anna,

 

I sent you a PM

[anna_k]

I have developments-of sorts.

 

Last night, I told him that:

-I didn't want to stick around for nothing

-I don't need someone who doesn't want me around

-Talking to him makes me feel bad because he's alway talking about other girls. I said it made me feel like he'd rather be with everyone else but me.

-I think he's rude sometimes. Because he makes me question myself and live in a constant bubble of uncertainty (which I realise is part of any relationship? Nothing is a sure thing right? But I hate living like this and told him so.)

-I said that sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him that he should get all his other girls to drive 5 hours to see him. I make all that effort and didn't come all that way for him just to ignore me.

-He said there wasn't anything he could do if that's how I felt. The way he's been acting is just the way he normally is. I said 'that isn't good enough for me anymore'.

 

Then. I felt like an utter jealous, controlling idiot.

 

He said that if I wanted to stop talking to him it was fine. That I should do whatever it took to make myself happy.

 

He said that he'd stop talking about other girls around me (which made me feel like I was just nagging, demanding and controlling). He said I take it all the wrong way and that they don't mean anything to him and I should know that.

 

After telling him that I didn't feel very important to him I was greeted with silence. He said that I should listen to how he talks about me with other people. But how am I supposed to know what he says!? (However, one of his females friends did say that he talked about me a lot).

 

Finally, he said that he always tells me he misses me, likes seeing me, likes talking to me...and that I should think about that.

 

He said he hopes I keep talking to him because he misses my voice and that I might change my mind one day. I don't understand that. Because it's his mind that's stuck and made up.

 

I don't know what to do now.

 

On one hand he doesn't try to stop me leaving him. One the other he says he will stop the thing that annoys me because he still wants to talk to me.

[anna_k]

Anyone there? Help!

 

I need to make some sort of decision tonight. This can't drag on any longer.

 

Is he making an effort now? Why do I have to get mad before he confesses anything?

[annie24]

excellent. glad you came to these conclusions.

 

 

 

!?!?!?!?!? WHAT???? why? you had a bunch of valid points - from your first post, it doesn't seem like the guy is all that into you or respects you, so why are you backing off your position?

 

 

 

I stand by my original advice - this guy sounds like he isn't too into you at all, and doesn't sound respectful. ditch him, block his number, meet someone better. don't settle for crumbs.

[anna_k]

Oh crap.

 

I have relapsed and let him back in.

 

I can't seem to let him go.

 

I just feel that if I do let him go, that's one less person who will care about me.

 

How does everyone get past being jealous of ex-girlfriends? He's still friends with all of them.

 

I went for a few days without initiating contact. We didn't talk for three days. It was ok.

 

However, the other night, I went out with the girls and had a really great time. Only, I missed him intensely. So I left him a message. He replied back almost immediately. I did it again at some other ridiculous hour and got a reply again. He also called me up the next morning and I found myself so happy to be talking to him. He said 'You know what? I really miss you.'

 

I said I missed him too.

 

We had a really fun conversation and he kept on telling me how much he missed me, wished I was there with him and how cute I was.

 

I can't keep away. I fear it's way too late now because I realise that I no longer 'just like him a lot' but this is serious attachment on my behalf.

 

I guess it's because messaging is so easy. And it's an instant way to be in contact. I know it's hard to heal and get over things when you're in constant contact. I just want him to try and tell me I mean something to him for once. I know: it's desperation but I can't help it.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

"I just feel that if I do let him go, that's one less person who will care about me.''

Based on your description on your boyfriend's behavior, he really does not care about you or your feelings. And this stuff about him kidding after you brought it to his attention is a bunch a bull. He is saying that wiggle out of a sticky situation. People do that all the time, he/she says something, it insults the other and then says, "Oh I was just kidding, sheesh." Please do not fall for that tactic.

 

"How does everyone get past being jealous of ex-girlfriends? He's still friends with all of them."

 

For the life of me, cannot understand why others have to be friends with his/her ex's, especially when he/she is currently in a relationship. I guess it would be one thing if the person saw his/her ex in a store or bar and walked up to say hi and whatnot but taking measures to keep that person in his/her life is just plain silly to me. IMO, he/she should be putting all that effort into building trust, respect and love in the relationship with his/her partner.

 

That is a red flag to me, I do not know about you, but that is a boundry for me. In the past, I simply would not date guys whom are still friends with ex's.

 

"We had a really fun conversation and he kept on telling me how much he missed me, wished I was there with him and how cute I was."

 

You perhaps are addicted to the ups and downs of the relationship. Things will be okay and sweet for awhile, then he will revert to his ways again, thus facilitaitng another "talk." You cannot go by someone's words, go by his/her actions. It is easy to say anything, doing it or proving it is another. As far I am concerned, he has proved he is not that into you.

 

"I just want him to try and tell me I mean something to him for once."

 

Expectations are premeditated resentments. You are trying to make him in a person whom he is not. What you are trying to do is make him be more romantic, more sensetive, more loving, less aloof, less rebellious....that is not the person he is my friend. The more you give, the less he gives back prompts this vicious cycle, it makes you give more, makes him give less causing you to get more and more frustrated and hurt. I fell into the same trap in the past.

 

I think perhaps you are in love with what COULD be and the relationship's potential and not WHAT IS. Many people fall into this trap as well. Time to start realizing the kind of person he truly is and how he makes you feel. I remember in a earlier thread you go for the "rebellious" guys and afraid you will get bored with a nice guy. The wanting what you cannot have. Why do this to yourself? When you are with the right guy, things are not boring. It can be a beautiful thing. Time to stop wasting your time with these kinds of guys and start LIVING. I know this is hard but what other choice do you have?

 

Hang in there. You are definitely not alone in this. Take care.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[jilligirl]

Not all guys are like that. Granted, most of them think that way, but all of them don't come out and say it to their girlfriends.

 

If you tell him that he should keep those thoughts to himself, then he should respect that. If he doesn't, then he's not worth your time.

 

What he is doing is VERY disrecpectful, and he's making a fool out of you. Try doing it to HIM (pointing out guys and how hot they look). See if he likes it. Maybe he'll get the picture.

[anna_k]

What he is doing is VERY disrecpectful, and he's making a fool out of you. Try doing it to HIM (pointing out guys and how hot they look). See if he likes it. Maybe he'll get the picture.

 

I have actually done this. And admittedly, he did get get narky but truth be told; I don't think he really cares.

 

I just had a think about the title of this thread. I meant to ask the question: 'Do all guys....check out other girls and think it meaningless and normal?' I realise not all guys verbalise their thoughts like mine does. And whilst the feeling of disrespect has been the main view, I did once wonder if it's because he's just comfortable with me and thinks that I won't care.

 

What really makes all this worse is the fact that it is a Long Distance Relationship and the amount of spare time he has in comparison to me is about 10:1. I know there are lots of signs that tell me to just cut and run but I guess that reason I've stayed is because I see the good side of him more and more frequently (then he will do something incredibly stupid).

[Cassie]

Anna, if you stay in this relationship as it is now, I can guarantee with 99.99999% accuracy that you will be sitting in the same spot you're currently at weeks or even months from now. This guy is showing you who he is and you have to believe him. He does not respect you. He is not making an effort. He is not valuing your opinion. And he is acting like a royal jerk. Why are you driving five hours to see him and accepting this kind of trashy behavior?

 

I've been in the same relationship as you are now with your Mr. Don Juan. Mine didn't change, and neither will your guy. Kick him like a bad habit -- because that is all he is.

 

Do not stay in a relationship because of someone's 'potential'. It is not your job as a girlfriend to change someone or drag out their seemingly wonderful 'potential'. Either you accept him how he is, or you don't. These are huge red flags smacking you in the face right now. Listen to your intuition because I bet it's screaming something fierce right now.

 

A man that loves and cherishes a woman does not treat her like an afterthought or an object. Stop being a doormat. Lift your head up high and don't look back. If he does truly care about you, he'll realize he's made mistakes that have seriously jeopardized your relationship. Then he'll be the one to drive five hours to do what it takes to make things right.

[annie24]

I agree 100%.

 

i think staying in this relationship is a royal waste of your time.

[dawn515]

Hey anna,

 

I read your other post. Am I correct in thinking this guy is not your boyfriend? Your other post said that he says he likes you and enjoys spending time with you, but that he doesn't want a committed relationship.

 

Taken with that, his comments about other girls, I believe, is a way of letting you know where you stand. I mean, you're not his girlfriend after all, right? So, in his mind, he should be free to talk about hot women or what woman he wants to marry someday, etc.

 

Is that right? No. I think it's rude. Even if you are casual, I think he knows how you feel about him and he's still having sex with you, so I think it's wrong of him to point out other girls and talk about how hot they are. It's like, hey, you're sleeping with me, so what are you trying to say?? It just isn't respectful.

 

The reason I'm telling you this is, because after reading this post and your previous one, I can say I was in an almost IDENTICAL situation not that long ago. In fact, I briefly wondered if it was the same guy! (Ha.) I was very attached to a guy who didn't want a relationship with me, told me he cared about me and he could take or leave the sex, would miss me and call me a lot, tell me how important I am, I'm such a good "friend," and on and on. He also talked a lot about other women – "Oh she's hot!" "Look at her ***!" You get the idea. He was always going nuts over some other girl – on the street, in the bar, on TV, wherever. He, too, was friends with all his exes.

 

He was also always clear about not wanting a romantic relationship with me, though I usually avoided those talks with him. (Guess I kept hoping someday he would change his mind…)

 

Incidentally, the "I don't love you" remark reminds me of a similar thing that happened to me with him. (Hm, I wonder if it IS the same guy?? ) And I definitely think he said it to clumsily try to tell me something, but it just hurt.

 

I hope things work out for you, though, whatever you decide to do!

[v8vachon]

Anna, take it from me, your guy is immature.

You have 2 things against you..DISTANCE and his IMMATURITY.

Distance always makes life harder anyways because you cant really get to know a person and nurture a relationship that way. Unless it's temporary, your relationship is doomed. Him being immature is probbaly because he has all these hormones that are raging and he only sees you 2 days! That's his way of channelling his sexual tension.

I had a boyfriend who used to say to me.. look at how big this girls boobs are! It would bother me so much tat i finally told him to cut it out! hey.. do it back to him.. give him a taste of his own medicine.. im sure there's cute guys around too you can point out to him! But my point is... the decision is ultimately up to you.. but ive been there twice with 2 differentguys. long distabce relationships.. DONT LAST!

[apparentlynotalone]

No, not all guys do this. I got really angry just reading your post. I just really wanted to pull you away from this guy and save you from anymore heartache (if you've already had some) that he may cause.

 

1) Sending you pictures of girls, talking about girls on screen and such is annoying, simply because it might make you feel like you're not good enough. Why dont you try doing the same thing sweetie? Send a picture of an amazingly hot guy (may I suggest Wentworth Miller! lol) and see what his respond is. Or during a movie, or on an outing. Vengeful? Yes. But it can teach a lesson pretty damn quick.

 

2) The whole 'I don't love you situation.' Im trying so hard not to use the f-word here, lol. That was so fu*king rude. Like, you're not trying to fish for a reason for him to say those words, but he insulted you for no reason. I know how this feel okay. It hurts like * * * * especially when you're not even looking for the person to say it.

 

Honestly. Leave this mofo. He's annoying the crap out of me and sure he's doing the same for you. You dont need to be compared to girls and feel unloved.

 

Keep us updated PLEASE.

[Jayar]

This guy wouldn't get one more single solitary moment of my time. He's a jack-butt. And insecure to boot, which he makes VERY obvious. You are so tremendously better off without him.

 

Leave now while your dignity is still more or less intact. No, not all guys do this... In fact, not even MOST or MANY do! Some do. Stay away from them. Good luck!

[Kindredspiritofcandlelight]

 

And before everyone tells me to 'get over it' because he was 'kidding'-no, I know this guy. He's not kidding. He's trying to band-aid it for now.

 

 

Don't get over IT, get over HIM. He's not worth this long-distance relationship. He seems very insecure, trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Find someone better, that's my advice. Maybe they'll even live closer hehe.

[anna_k]

Well.

 

I'm back with an update.

 

Progress? Somewhat. It's completely and utterly over. There's no hope of ever being together again. There are new people on both sides but to be honest, there's still something old lingering around. I'm not sure what to do about it. It's been 3 months.

 

I'm finding it really hard to stick to NC. He doesn't stick to it either. Even though it was 'agreed' on. We then tried to be friends. Started talking like normal but it all eventually comes back. That doesn't work. So it's back to NC-which is sure to be broken at some point.

 

Short of changing my number and moving to a place with no internet, I'm not sure how I'll be able to avoid him. I'm weak when it comes to the opposite sex. It's a problem I know.

 

Oh btw, it's no longer LD. We're don't live very far from each other anymore. Ironically, when it was LD, it actually existed. Now it doesn't. Great big tragedy eh?

[dawn515]

Hey Anna,

 

Glad to see back. Good luck and stay strong. There is someone out there who is better for you and will treat you right!

[Goblin]

This is a late reply. But a guy with a true heart for someone wouldnt do a thing Anna. I dont do that to my gf and i cant imagine myself doing it either...this guy gets the kick out of your jealousy. Even when u dont show it he still likes to make u feel it. I dislike thise kind of guys..

[anna_k]

Yeah, I like how you put that. Even if I don't show it, he likes to make me feel it. But then, of-course, he will say he never intends to upset me (but if I get offended then he can't do anything about it). He just wants me to 'be happy'. What a laugh. Oh well.

 

This week has been good to me-I started the move on to someone else!

[anna_k]

Update.

 

Dawn will laugh at the progress but:

-lastest news is that he doesn't think much of his new girlfriend and said ' i like her but she's not you' to me last night

-when I started listening to the inane smalltalk I realised that I had forgiven him. You can't stay *mad* at someone that stupid. And forgiveness has led to apathy. Of-course, I still care about him as a person (because yes, hate is more self-destructive than anything) but in terms of love and relationships-I really don't care.

 

And since this was originally about jealousy I have to say that I am not jealous of the girls in his life anymore. They will always be there and I am basically too tired to put energy into being angry. I work a lot and this has led me to prioritise what I do and think about. I feel sorry for her. I know she's beautiful and cute but really...that's about all she has going for her. The way he treats her is not something to be jealous of anymore.

 

Hope this new stance lasts and no relapse!

[anna_k]

Oh wow. Famous last words.

 

I've had a major relapse.

 

And it really didn't need to happen.