Do all guys do this?

[annie24]

just forget him. he isn't worthy. you deserve someone who thinks you are the greatest, so stop wasting time on this guy. the more time you waste thinking about this guy and talking to him, the less time you have to meet someone who is really crazy about you.

[anna_k]

Well, things are a bit messier now. We started communicating again and we even went out for coffee once. Whilst I did have a relapse I have to say that I am more detached after each episode than I had been in the past. But no, it's not complete detachment. I'm at the point where what I do next could lead to two very different outcomes. I'm too scared to go either way.

 

If I keep seeing him I will fall for him all over again. I think we'd end up getting back together. He told me that he wasn't going to chase other girls anymore. Do I believe him? I'd like to but past history is telling. If I ignore him from this point (which is what I had been attempting to do) I know I'll just miss him a lot and I'll probably never see him again. Its a sad thought. I think I end up losing either way.

 

The strange thing is: I have other guys to think about right now. And yet, I'm still thinking about him.

 

I am very confused at the moment. I really like this new guy I met recently but I just cannot shake the old one off. Its to my detriment I know.

[anna_k]

Just an aside:

 

I just want to thank everyone who has read, replied or PM'd me about this. I know it's hard to be patient and helpful with someone who appears to not want to help themselves.

[anna_k]

Its unfortunate that these updates are in real time. "As it happens" and all that jazz.

 

I'm so angry.

 

He keeps asking me for sex. It's true what they say then. Every time you relapse and recover, it's just like another mini-break-up.

 

Clearly I've found a guy who isn't so stupid to not capitalise on a person's weakness.

[Altruist]

This guy is an egocentric jerk. Period.

[spirits]

I really wondered if he really what you guys described him to be.

 

Take a different perspective at this, he could be a great guy who really do want you around.

 

It's hard being a guy.

[anna_k]

Spirits:

 

I really do wish I was wrong about him. I mean, why else would I have given him all those chances? I have a 'friends don't sleep with each other' policy. I think having it both ways is pretty selfish when you know the other person has feelings for you beyond friendship. If he wanted me around as a friend, he cannot ask me for sex. I think that is a reasonable request. If he wants a gf, all he has to do is say it.

 

In the grand scheme of things it's true; he's not that bad. He doesn't beat me up, get in trouble with the law, do drugs or hides kids from previous relationships. He's from a good family. Yes yes, he's not THAT bad.

 

I'm sure it's very hard to be a guy. But consider how hard it is to be with a guy who makes it impossible for you to love him but also impossible for you not to.

[spirits]

Okie dokie, you asked for it.

 

I don't know if you can pull this off because you are very into him, but why don't you do the same thing back to him (talk to other guys frequently online for example), don't make it so that you want him to know it, just talk to other guys and he'll eventually know.

 

Another thing is to not react at all when he say those stuff. Just look at him like you despise him and go, "right...". Or when he does that, just say "okay, you should be leaving now"

 

I think the email you've typed shouldn't have been sent because you are showing that you care what he says. From now on, behave like this is his last chance and catch him do the wrong thing and just look at him blankly.

 

Lastly, if he say things like "if you think you need time off, then so be it", do exactly as he say and don't let him know about your side while you get your "time off". Like, don't even reply him and say you need your time off.

 

The problem is that you need him more than he needs you. If he really doesn't come back, then he's really not worth the time and emotion. Don't listen to his words when he say the so called sweet things, pay attention to his action and how he treats you.

[anna_k]

He doesn't really believe me when I say I don't care or that we shouldn't communicate anymore.

 

I've done the cold and apathetic 'Yeah, whatever' thing. I've made it out as though it's his last chance. It doesn't work. He'll just forget that I ever said anything next time we talk.

 

We've had plenty of time off and away from each other. We fight A LOT. He always comes back trying to be my friend again or wanting something. He has always initiated things after each break. Yes, it's my fault that I respond but hope is an evil thing.

 

I do like him a lot more than he likes me. He wants a friend with benefits. I want a relationship. That is out in the open but I know I will never get what I want. I know its a problem. I'm pretty much posting to document the events and in the future, read back and try not to do the same thing!

[annie24]

He doesn't really believe me when I say I don't care or that we shouldn't communicate anymore.

 

Honey, don't want to sound harsh, but you need to grow your backbone and put your foot down! don't answer phone calls, don't return e-mails. if he calls and you don't know the phone number, don't answer! don't act like you don't have any say in this matter because you do.

[spirits]

I guess it's difficult to get that message accross since its shown all over your face when you talk to him. You've pretty much made yourself a situation where he can do anything to you and he knows you'll hang around. And since he can do anything, it seems like he will choose to disrepect and he will likely continue.

 

I'm not trying to say you should pretend to not care, I'm trying to say you should not care. It's a totally different thing and you'll exhibit very different behavior when you truly not care. If you want to get the message accross to him, you have to truly not care.

 

So the only thing, i believe, will make that happen is if you are less dependent on him to make you happy. Find happiness without him and I guarantee you that you will be strong enough to naturally not take certain behaviors.

[anna_k]

Yes I know. I guess he puts up with a lot of drama from me too.

 

The thing is, he thinks I don't want to see him or hang out with him. I have explained that it's because I'm hurt and self-protecting myself when I say 'I don't think it's a good idea to see you right now.' He doesn't understand that I really do want to see him but it's too painful for me. He got angry at me for that. It doesn't make sense. But it doesn't have to anymore. He's stated on several occasions that he just wants us to be friends and every now and then, he wants to sleep with me.

 

I'm not dependent on him to make me happy although yes, he plays a part. I think it has more to do with the fact that I am just so attracted to him and it bugs me that I can't have him. I don't like failure.

[SexySadie7]

Oh please.. it's got nothing to do with "he's just not into you". He's just rude, period!

Honey, don't take this garbage.. You are worth so much more!

No.. only shallow, completely insensitive immature guys do this kind of stuff.

I have a guy friend (platonic) and he's always doing this stuff. "did you see how hot that girl was at the club" "boy, that sure was a good looking girl sitting with our friend, Camille tonite", that type of stuff.

It annoys the hell out of me too, and i'm not even his girlfriend. It's just shows how stupid and immature the guy is. Yeah, he's my friend, but I don't have to date him.

Oh, btw... he's got a serious girl friend, but one night he and some friends of ours were out at a club and he said to the waitress.. whom, happened to be married and wearing a ring.. "Oh, will you go home with me tonite?"

I mean, come on.. the guy is long past teenage years. Some guys just DON'T grow up!

Don't stand for this crap! I bet the thing is that really he's just a bit insecure, so if you act jealous, he thinks then, he's hot stuff.

It's ludicricruis that guys act this way.

BTW, have you thought about fighting fire with fire?

Send him some pics of some gorgeous guys with muscles galore and say, "Hey, I sure would like to see you have these 6 packs!"

That will give him some food for thoughts.

Anyway.. the fact you are driving 4 hours to come see him and he acts like this.. I don't think it's about him not being into you, I think it's more you need to kick this guy to the curb!! Rude Rude Guy

"Okay, fair enough but keep in mind that I have just travelled 4 hours just to see him and when I get there, he does that! I pretend to be semi-ok with this on the outside because I don't want him to think I'm being irrationally jealous. I even sometimes agree 'Yeah, she's really pretty'. Of-course I can appreciate a gorgeous woman but there are limits. He chuckles when he sees me like this. As though, he wants me to feel jealous or threatenned or something.

 

2. I remember when we were watching a movie and these two gorgeous girls appeared on the screen for a few seconds; he looked like he was going to explode from the sheer sexiness. Again, I understand this and am not upset by this fact. But it does irk me when he repeatedly refers to them and says 'They're perfect. I love those two. They're going to be my wives.'

 

I tried to make light of it and said 'Oh, you love everybody'. To which he strangely replied: 'Well, not everybody. I don't love you'."

[SexySadie7]

Well... that's the problem Dako...

 

"I often read how women are so unhappy with who they attract.

What about the guys you are attracted to?"

 

the problem is.. that girls are expected to be asked out, not do the asking. If we could ask out the guys who attract us and seem decent, we wouldn't be dating so many jerks, I'm afraid.

Unfortunately. alot of the nice, decent guys are also not as aggressive or shyer than the jerky guys. So the girls get approached for dates by the jerks more often than the nice guys.

I guess we can sit home alone indefinitely, but i'm afraid, after awhile, loneliness really gets to you and you just start compromising.

I cannot speak for the attractiveness of Anna'a bf.. but the more he does this, the less attractive he would seem after awhile, in my eyes.

Handsomeness only goes so far!

[SexySadie7]

Okay.. i didn't know he was a cutie besides.. Yeah.. you are going to have to be very strong and I know how hard this is.. Believe me, I've gone thru the same thing myself.

"He's stated on several occasions that he just wants us to be friends and every now and then, he wants to sleep with me.

 

I'm not dependent on him to make me happy although yes, he plays a part. I think it has more to do with the fact that I am just so attracted to him and it bugs me that I can't have him. I don't like failure."

Okay.. so.. he's not even trying to make you his gf, now.. I'm so not happy with this guy how he's treating you.... grrrr.... He's just playing you. Don't let him! He's got his cake and is eating it too, but maybe he needs to be put on a diet! Tell him you won't sleep with him anymore.. You can always change you mind later.

If he asks why, say, well, my self-esteem is pretty beat up from all the comparisons you are doing with me and these so called "hot women". I don't feel sexy when i'm being put down or compared to. I was really wanting to have sex with you, but after all these comments, I really don't!

If he's interested in fixing your libido, he'll soon act differently around you. I know it's so hard to find a cute guy who's into you and wants you. Well, at least in my area it is, maybe not so for you, but this is doing your self-esteem NO GOOD at all!

Please either insist he treat you with respect or just forget about him!

[Batya33]

The failure here is failing yourself by settling for an arrangement that doesn't work for you - casual sex works for some but apparently not for you. Why does he deserve to know "why" you are choosing not to see him other than "I am not interested in seeing you because we have incompatible goals." when you tell him about your inner psychological workings you show him that you do care what he thinks, otherwise you wouldn't share this with him.

 

I would not berate him for his behavior - simply say nicely but firmly "your behavior towards other women when we are together is unacceptable to me." Period -you're not his teacher or trainer - if he doesn't know this already, then he never will - doesn't hurt to give a gentle reminder but he must not see you being angry or not in control of your emotions - he doesn't deserve to see that he has that sort of impact on you.

 

If you are that attracted to him and choose to act on that attraction by sleeping with him that is your choice, but go into it with eyes wide open understanding and being ok with the fact that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

I get treated with respect by men without insisting - no need to - I just carry myself with respect, my interactions show that I respect myself, and thereforeeee those men who are looking for a woman who is willing to compromise her values just to get physical affection don't target me for very long, if at all.

 

Again, balance it for yourself - if his good looks and your desire for him are worth the rest, go for it as long as you are being completely honest with yourself.

 

And, I think Spirits gave you great advice!

[SexySadie7]

what happened anna?

[anna_k]

Thanks for replying Sadie. What happenned?

 

Nothing. I haven't talked to him recently. He doesn't really understand what the big deal is. I always feel like the drama queen in this relationship. I'm sure he is immature. He still blames me for almost all of what happenned. If I didn't worry and think so much about him, he thinks we could be much happier.

 

It's not always true that people get less and less attractive. Not for me anyway. Usually I see this occurring when past boyfriends have been rude or out-of-line but not with this guy. This is why I am writing this thread. I wouldn't have bothered to discuss it if he didn't affect me so much. It's really quite cruel in a way.

 

Bataya: I understand what you're saying. I admire women who can just carry so much respect from men. Professionally I can achieve this but when it comes to relationships, I usually fail miserably. And I'm not even one of those fragile, quiet girls (well, you make up your own mind about how I've come accross). It doesn't happen all the time. If I am not doing the chasing the guy usually respects me quite a lot. But, as in this instance, I seem to be the one pursuing the guy. It makes sense.

 

By the way, I'm not with him at the moment. So that's a start I guess.

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing Anna. I don't think either person should chase, but in general I think it's better for the man to do most of the initiating, planning and calling in the beginning.

 

Look, it just sounds like the two of you are not on the same wavelength - not a good match.

 

It's funny how you said that professionally you hold it together well - sometimes for a date I was very nervous about, I psyched myself up as if I were going into an important meeting - not so that I would act business like but just so I would be in that mindset. Sort of like an old Brady Bunch episode where Marcia, nervous in front of a crowd, is told to imagine all the people in their undershirts. It works. Sorry for digressing. . . .;-)

[anna_k]

You know what? I have noticed that I am slightly wary of showing too much emotion now. I am also cautious of believing guys when they compliment me and worst of all, I have hardly any self-esteem left to approach this new guy I want to get to know.

 

I'm sure everyone would advise me to stay single for a while but really, I've been single for a long, long time now. I am intent on taking anything new very slowly and just working on getting to know the person. Seems a good idea.

 

I agree with you. The 'chasing' should ideally happen organically and I also think that it's better for the man to initiate most things (with encouragment from the woman of-course).

 

I occasionally butt-in because I am impatient I guess. I have to work on addressing this fear I have of losing someone. I KNOW another will come along but still, its a real fear strangely.

 

Marcia, marcia, marcia!

[annie24]

he is bad for you. bad bad bad, stop caring about what he thinks or says. it sounds like you two are just mismatched, and he's not interested in a relationship, so you should just walk away, do no contact, forget about him and move on.....

[annie24]

Nothing. I haven't talked to him recently. He doesn't really understand what the big deal is. I always feel like the drama queen in this relationship. I'm sure he is immature. He still blames me for almost all of what happenned. If I didn't worry and think so much about him, he thinks we could be much happier.

 

I agree with batya, no need for this to be dramatic or painful. All you have to do is be firm and just say, "We want different things out of a relationship" and leave it at that.

[anna_k]

An update.

 

I received a phone call tonight from him. After distinctly telling him not to call me. He was sort of acting all apathetic and cool about it. He even yelled something out to his friends in the background and laughed.

 

Why did I pick up? I had just finished talking to my best friend. Half-a second later my phone rang again. I assumed it was her as I as in the middle of dialing her back anyway. I should have checked. But I didn't. His name doesn't come up since I erased the number. A series of unfortunate events.

 

He is having some people over tonight and asked me if I wanted to come. I said that I did not. Then he said he had just called my other close friend, she was on the way there and I should get a lift.

 

She did not tell me.

 

Of-course, she has every right to go. But geez. Doesn't friendship count for anything? Especially considering how fresh this is for me. I don't want to get mad at her because she's a lovely girl and very sweet to me.

 

I know I'm being irrational but I don't care. I'm not a very happy person right now.

[Batya33]

Next time he calls say "oh, sorry, I was expecting a call from my friend - no time to talk, bye!" then you won't have to know this.

 

I agree your friend probably shouldn't have gone. Sorry.

[annie24]

yeah, i agree, next time just get off the phone quickly if that happens again. or keep his name in there, just so you know not to pick up!