Do all guys do this?

[anna_k]

He called again. At some ridiculous hour. Luckily I had anticipated this and turned my phone on silent.

 

When I woke up this morning I found the missed call and a message from him asking me why I hadn't called back. Utterly strange behaviour. He must be on drugs or something...I don't know how to explain the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour.

 

Furthermore, someone is lying to me about my friend going over there last night. I got a message from her about 2 minutes after his phone call and message. She apparently had no idea why I was asking her. Now I feel like a horrible person. I AM a horrible person. I did not believe him 100% when he said it but I had to ask her anyway. Well...it's blatantly obvious that I have no trust in anyone at the moment. I wish I never got mad at her. Even if she did go, I still should not be mad at her.

 

Ah, it just never ends. If this is not the crux of jealousy, then I don't know what is. Jealousy is like this little black bug in your system making you suspect everyone else out there of foul-play.

[anna_k]

Hrrrm, let's see. What happenned today?

 

Phone call? Check.

Request for sex? Check.

Sending a sexy-photo of a girl to me? Check.

Me using evil words and leaving? Check!

 

It's become an experiment. It never ceases to amaze me how one person can find certain things normal whilst another will find them completely disrespectful.

 

It is also amazing to see how much one person can take. For me, I guess I believe everyone has good in them and should be given chances (as I would like people to think the same for me). This was clearly my downfall in this situation. For him, it is sort of amusing to see how much arguing and relationship-bickering he will take given the fact that he's not actually in one.

[annie24]

why are you still even giving him the time or day, or even wasting your brain cells thinking about him? erase him out of your life permanently!

[fnlyfrei]

Yes....here is how to drive him crazy. Completely ignore him.

[anna_k]

why are you still even giving him the time or day, or even wasting your brain cells thinking about him? erase him out of your life permanently!

 

Why why. That is the question. It takes small steps I guess. I don't call him ever (I haven't for months). I haven't gone to see him. This is what I'm keeping up atm. I cannot cut all communication yet because my life has no room for a big messy fight right now.

 

We still occasionally message. He went to visit some family overseas recently. I was not expecting anything because he had an early flight but when I got to work, I found a message from him saying he was about to board and that he'd miss me. I know it's apparent that I like him more than he likes me but I honestly was not expecting that. Our relationship (or whatever you call it) has definitely changed since the horrible break-up incident. For better and for worse.

 

Sometimes I feel like there's something huge we've both misunderstood with each other. The latest thing to develop is the fact that he openly talks to his parents about me now. In the past he has avoided all questions from them. They are able to joke (he tells me about this) and his parents have started to ask him how I am doing and how my work is.

 

I have never kept him hanging and he's been given the opportunity to be free of me and us. Whenever I tell him to find another girl, he tells me to 'be quiet' and to stop talking like that.

 

I'd ignore him except he has my number. And no, I can't turn my phone off because of work. And yes, he calls from a private line most of the time (no caller ID). If I pick up and it's him, I've done what you guys suggested and was very short and monosyllabic. If I'm like this he says he will call again later to make sure I'm ok as he is probably used to having a more engaging conversation.

 

Don't ask me what it means. You can't win.

 

I'm alright at the moment but I'm going to have the Talk when he gets back (I didn't want to have it before he went away because I didn't want him sad for the trip).

 

Yes I am wasting time and brain cells. I tried to talk the NC-leap and fell in a heap. Baby steps are the way to go for me.

[Comfortably Numb 13]

he sounds like a complete * * * hole. and it seems like you could do alot better.

[anna_k]

Yeah. Love's not only blind but deaf.

 

I know he's holding back though. He told me so. I am basically paying for the behaviour of his ex-gf-who took him for granted and kept on demanding more from him until he snapped. I tell him to get a new girl all the time but he says 'no' then will go all silent. Meh.

[SexySadie7]

I don't know about the whole "he's not into you jazz". IMHO, that guy who wrote that book has got everyone and his dog thinking this catch phrase to describe a guy, who basically, is just not a nice guy.

Nice guys DON"T send there gf's pix of other girls, let alone ones in bikinis and wanting to see if the GF thinks she's hot too?

What on earth is going on here? Is he trying to figure out if you are bisexual, I'm assume that you are certainly NOT! I'm not trying to be offensive here to you, but his behavior is offensive to me.

I got a friend who does similar behavior. He's admitted to me that lots of his gf's have been bisexual. I'm heterosexual so i could care less where the hot girls are or what they look like. They are nothing to me but competition. Show me a hot guy.

But.. he will do stuff like, after we've been out to a nightclub or something, say something like, "Wow, did you see that hot brunette (blonde, whatever)??", practically salivating when he says it.

Mind you, he's got a girlfriend and she's a pretty girl, so why he's even asking his female platonic friends if they've noticed some girl in a club is beyond me.

I find his attitude sophomoric (which means grossly immature) and quite annoying. I sort of feel sorry for his gf, cuz to me, it shows a tremendous lack of respect for her.

I know you say the sex is great. Sex is usually great with a player cuz they've had alot of experience with women, so yeah, practice makes perfect.

He just sounds like a player to me. And the fact you've driven FOUR hours to see him, Wow, i'm sorry, but this is shocking. His behavior is appalling.

I'd tell him to take a long walk down a short pier if it were me.

Find yourself someone better.

You know, guys get tired of guys like this too.

I was just talking to a male friend of mine last night, and HE was remarking how he also found it really annoying when guy's who have girlfriends flirted or made crude remarks about other women.

So.. even guys (good guys, that is) find this behavior deplorable. Find yourself a good guy. Life is too short for this jerk.

[SexySadie7]

Oh. gosh, Annie, your line about the brain-cells totally cracked me up... "why are you still even giving him the time or day, or even wasting your brain cells thinking about him?"

You are just a nice girl anna, who fell into company with a guy who's in obvious need of being taught some decent manners.

I'm sure he's got his good points, but he's also a very foolish guy. He had a good thing going and he's blowing it with you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Why is this so common behavior in men nowadays???? Are they teaching young boys to be ultra disrespectful to girls in the school system nowadays??

Geez.. i just don't know.

I just got "used" too. I know this guy. He's staying with some friends of mine. I thought he was a sort of cool guy. I saw him outside this store I had to go into, so i stopped and chatted. I was surprised that he was so friendly to me... but he did say to me, "stop by and see me after you come out of the store"

I just thought he was being friendly and liked me (he even asked me if me & my male platonic friend were an item, so i was thinking, maybe he likes me). Then he hits me up for a ride.

Uggggh!!! Large groan. I hate it when people ask me for a ride. For one, my car is full of stuff I just don't feel like moving around. Then too, the same people who ask for a ride also.. when they see me again, won't even speak to me.

Okay.. i gave the schmuck a ride. I now know he's not much of a gentleman and thereforeeee not my type at all.

he even insisted I give him a ride back to my friend's house. I told him no.. i was heading in the opposite direction and i'd just drop him off at the next stop i made.

I'm sure they are all sitting around now talking dirt about me cuz i didn't follow their wishes.

Wow.. who needs these kind of people for friends.

The next time i see him, i'm going to just ignore him!!

[anna_k]

Nice guys DON"T send there gf's pix of other girls, let alone ones in bikinis and wanting to see if the GF thinks she's hot too?

 

I asked my male friends this and they feel that he was stupid to do it but I also over-reacted slightly because it was probably a joke and that this girl was a random, 'he's never going to meet her' sort. Granted, he WAS trying to make a point (that fake breasts can look hot). I know. The point being made was possibly worse than the photo itself.

 

Also, I'm not his girlfriend anymore so it's not like I have that much right to get insanely mad at him (I did anyway). He said he wasn't going to leave me again for some girl but that doesn't mean I'm his girlfriend. Sometimes he tries hard to impress me and get me back. And then...he'll do something like this and undo it all. Haha. Idiot.

 

What on earth is going on here? Is he trying to figure out if you are bisexual, I'm assume that you are certainly NOT!

 

I know it is disrespectful but I don't think he's trying to see if I'm into girls. I'm exactly like you also, I can aprecciate good genes but I do not care how hot other girls are.

 

He actually told me that he doesn't want to be 'too nice' to me all the time otherwise I'll get used to it and he'll just have to keep topping himself each time. And it will get to the point where he can't go any better. That's what happenned with his other girlfriend.

 

I don't drive 4 hours anymore. I relocated back this year (not for him). We live about 30 minutes apart now but I see him a lot less than I did last year. I have not driven to his house so far this year.

 

As I said, I'm working slowly through this. Everything is getting fewer and far between. Which is good. You have to admit, I'm a lot better than I used to be. Well, I think so.

[anna_k]

Why is this so common behavior in men nowadays???? Are they teaching young boys to be ultra disrespectful to girls in the school system nowadays??

 

I just read this and: a sad haha.

 

Have you noticed how quick kids are growing up now? I've not even reached my mid-20s but I feel old saying that.

 

I'm sure it was a rhetorical question but: I wouldn't have a clue if young boys are getting more disrespectful to women. I DO know that there's a lot more access to entertainment and porn and such like so more of them expect perfect women aesthetically. I don't know if it makes them less respectful or not because I don't have younger brothers or any of that age in my family. I know that my guy expects a perfect and compliant woman. And if not: Trade In.

 

By the same token, I wonder what kind of girls they're cultivating in school these days. I hope stronger, smarter ones.

[annie24]

Anna - I think a lot of how you get treated depends on how you carry yourself. For the most part, the men I encounter are very polite and respectful towards me, because I would not put up with anything less than that.

 

The fact that you're still sitting here writing a post about this guy tells me that you are allowing him to keep messing with your head. I have a girlfriend that I admire greatly. If a guy was disrespectful towards her, she'd tell him to take a long walk off a cliff, delete his number, and never speak to him again! And she'd move on and forget he ever existed. Because she knows she deserves better.

[Batya33]

Yeah. Love's not only blind but deaf.

 

I know he's holding back though. He told me so. I am basically paying for the behaviour of his ex-gf-who took him for granted and kept on demanding more from him until he snapped. I tell him to get a new girl all the time but he says 'no' then will go all silent. Meh.

 

No, you're not paying for anything - you're choosing to be treated disrespectfully and badly. You shouldn't be telling him anything "all the time" because you should not be dealing with him even "some of the time." I agree with annie 24 and she could have been talking about me because I do not put up with that kind of treatment from friends or dates, etc.

[anna_k]

I don't think I choose to be disrespected. I know I tolerate it when I shouldn't because I'm a pushover.. My brain thinks 'I gave him the option to leave me. If he doesn't it must mean something positive.'

 

Some people aren't that wise or raised that strong. Some people are just stupid, blind and deaf. Some people have low self-esteem and various other issues.

 

Some people have too much foolish hope for their own good. Some people can't stop caring that quickly. Some people reacted very stupidly.

 

Everyone does everything in their own time. I already know I'm an idiot. I wish I could just be strong and together enough to say 'I won't put up with that' and never have anything to do with that person again (permanently). I'm working on it but it's not going to happen overnight.

[Batya33]

I am glad you are working on it. I meant that you choose to be a pushover, as you said - means the same to me as choosing to be disrespected.

 

Just because your brain tells you he likes you you have the choice to evaluate that more closely based on past experiences with him or others, or to seek objective advice. You are not a passive victim here. You are choosing your actions, reactions and behavior. Until you believe that change will be impossible.

 

I am not saying that it is easy to stop caring but it is a choice as to how to react to that caring. when I have been treated badly I stay away from the person despite still caring. That is an example of feeling one way (caring) but reacting in a way that is healthful (staying away).

[anna_k]

Yes, I know you're right. But it's still hard. I can handle the truth, but the truth is horrible.

 

I think a lot of what happened was my fault really. I probably pushed things too fast and too hard in the beginning, no wonder he 'friend-zoned' me. I guess I knew this would happen.

 

And to think, I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend at all.

 

Sometimes I wonder if what people would say if he wrote about me on here (like the male-version of this thread). I'm sure everyone would think I was pushy first then too pathetic later. Ouch.

[Cassie]

Anna, why are you still torturing yourself with this guy?

[anna_k]

Because I've never felt like this over anyone before. I'm too tired to justify anything now.

 

But anyway, the reason I came on here again is to say that I'm starting SuperDave's NC challenge today. Today was the first time his name flashed on the phone and on my computer screen and I really decided to not respond with anything. Before I may have not responded but I always had the overwhelming urge to. Sort of like a 'Consequences be dammed, I'll do it anyway!' moment.

 

Wish me luck.

[Cassie]

Anna, I'm not asking you to justify yourself to me or anyone else. No one is judging you, hon. I'm merely asking to gain an insight into what this man personally means to you. You've endured so much torment from his callous actions and I'm trying to understand why - what your motivation has been for continuing to pursue this man.

[anna_k]

Hi Cassie. I just meant that I was physically too tired to justify myself in my other post and not as though I was peeved or anything.

 

What does he personally mean to me?

Well, firstly I'm not that old so it's not like I've had vast experiences with adult relationships. Although it's true that I should be old enough to know better. As I said before I've never had a relationship this serious/intense. Before everything went wrong it was very nice. Right in the beginning everyone was saying how lucky I was but in the end, not so lucky after all. I guess that brief period was enough to make me really care about him. It doesn't help that other people say bad things about him...it makes me want to defend him. He's sort of my first real everything. For better or worse, that's the way it is.

 

Motivations?

Hope is evil. That's all I can say. I feel there's been a lot lost in communication and translation. We're very different and often interpret what the other person says the wrong way, trouble inevitaly ensues. I guess I just want to sort everything out and be clear but have virtually given up on this because it's probably never going to happen.

[anna_k]

I feel I need to simplify my life now so I'm hoping to let this thread go to sleep.

 

I won't lie to anyone. I tried to do NC and it worked only for a couple of days. I haven't seen him though. I've been sticking to my guns and saying 'no'.

 

However, we still occasionally talk. Very very occasionally but it's still there unfortunately. Last night he asked me if I wanted to meet up. Before I said anything he asked if I could invite one of my friends along...like I am just a tour guide to the amusement park. He told me he thinks she's attractive. When he met her, which was at that dinner thing I had last year, he virtually did a double-take. I have no idea why she's being brought into the conversation all the sudden. (This is the problem with having attractive friends and idiot guys around.)

 

I said 'no' and didn't change my mind despite ongoing efforts to convince me otherwise.

 

Not that I expected it but there's been absolutely no compassion or expression of remorse at all. And why should there be? He feels he's done nothing wrong.

 

It's been a good learning curve. I'm too jealous and emotional to be with a guy who loves his freedom so much that he tells me I'm being uptight. I know everyone loves the freedom to look and ogle or whatever, but if there's not potential for committment then what is there right? I'm glad I met him actually. At least I know I need to wise up and be more mature about my relationship choices. I got too emotional and that pushed him away. I know that now. 20/20 vision in hindsight.

 

No, I'm not torturing myself over this anymore. That last incident just killed everything I had left. It really really hurt. I just wanted to lay this thread to rest because I no longer want to deal with him and how he makes me feel.

 

Thanks to anyone who read this and offered advice. I appreciate it muchly.