How do YOU cope with loneliness?

[Kevin T]

You're right. If I don't take care of myself and my problems first, I'll just be bringing them into a relationship. That is not something I'd wish to impose on her. I need to work on becoming a better person at the moment first, then I can focus on attaining someone.

 

Once I deal with these issues, I should feel better about myself and I'll have more to offer.

[Budman]

You're right. If I don't take care of myself and my problems first, I'll just be bringing them into a relationship. That is not something I'd wish to impose on her. I need to work on becoming a better person at the moment first, then I can focus on attaining someone.

 

Once I deal with these issues, I should feel better about myself and I'll have more to offer.

Exactly man.

 

The more things you go for and like to do, makes you that much more interesting.

 

Do you want a girl who just sits in her basement all day and all night doing nothing?

 

Exactly,

 

What you do is find stuff you like to do, and DO IT!

 

Have fun, make sure it involves going out somewhere though! Good luck! (I know I came into the thread late)

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

You're right. If I don't take care of myself and my problems first, I'll just be bringing them into a relationship. That is not something I'd wish to impose on her. I need to work on becoming a better person at the moment first, then I can focus on attaining someone.

 

Once I deal with these issues, I should feel better about myself and I'll have more to offer.

It took the death of my father for me to realize that I am sitting and wasting my time thinking that I am ugly. A few hours after his death, I matured about 20 years. Now I am on a mission to find my soulmate, girlfriend, lover, ect. Kevin, don't let something like the death of a loved one change your thinking. Enjoy ALL of life and take advantage of ALL of it's gifts before something is taken from you and you're robbed of it ALL and only left with SOME.

[Kevin T]

That's great advice. Thank you.

 

In the long run, I think the best coping mechanism for loneliness is to eliminate it. Once I've dealt with my emotional issues, I'll be freed to look for my soul mate. Or at least, be ready for her when she comes along.

[Dako]

KO,

 

Your posts really grab me when they aren't making me spew coffee.

That one strikes a nerve.

My father's death was about the biggest event in my life. It changed me almost overnight from a jerk into slightly less of a jerk. I started acting more responsible and treating people the way he would.

You're a wonder, and I mean it.

 

Sorry for the OT.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

KO,

 

Your posts really grab me when they aren't making me spew coffee.

That one strikes a nerve.

My father's death was about the biggest event in my life. It changed me almost overnight from a jerk into slightly less of a jerk. I started acting more responsible and treating people the way he would.

You're a wonder, and I mean it.

 

Sorry for the OT.

Thanks, Dako. Sorry about all that coffee you keep losing, maybe you should drink it with a straw.

 

I was about to go out today and talk to a girl I see frequently on a bus. The circumstances of my dad's death prevented me from going out but as soon as I get the chance, I will do something. There's not time to worry about her saying "no" or "eeeewww!" My father never saw me bring a girl home, well not one that was in magazines or multiple angle DVDs. He knew what my problem was.

 

Kevin, your internal strife is only the surface. It can be fixed. Heck, it doesn't need to be totally fixed before you go for your girl. You can do your healing while in transition. I'm sure your future lady can not only understand, but help or even speed up the process.

[Kevin T]

Thanks again.

 

And you're absolutely correct. Having someone in my life would only serve to accelerate the process. And though my problems may not be incredibly deep, they could become so, were I to remain inactive about fixing them. Also, it's foolish for anyone to try and be "perfect" before getting into a relationship because we're always growing, always evolving. Life is a process of refinement. Nevertheless, I've got to do what I can so that I have something worthwhile to offer a special lady.

[Rain__man]

Kevin T: Loneliness, for me anyway, came when I realized I had no one in my life to share it with. Depression came afterwards, not before.

 

I know you didn't mean it this way, but when I read it too fast, it reminded me a lot of the state I finally realized I was in for the longest time... I know it feels like you are not, but this is feeling sorry for yourself, and other people can feel it, radiating from you. Until you actually start to see that you are worthwhile, until your mind changes enough to start to break out of it, that's all you have to share with someone... lonliness.

 

Bouts of depression feel like the blackest tar... like there's no escape, I know. Pretty soon though, you'll start to see that that crazy, lost, nearly bawling your eyes out feeling becomes comfortable in some messed up way. Once you realize that it has become more habit than reality, you are in position to take control of it. You'll start to recognize that "this is not you" while it's happening, and wake up feeling better te next day. After that it's a long period of cycles. It's a hard fight, but think about it this way... who are you going to let win, you? Or some fu(king disorder?

[Kevin T]

You're absolutely right. I see that.

[Spugly Fuglet]

come and sit with us, we know just how you feel we are all walking wounded here.

 

when I was alone I just gave up looking and lernt to be happy in my life

and with in weeks I met my wife.

 

Stop looking and you will find.

[quietgrl]

Spugly Fuglet,

I wasn't around people for over 10 years.I think cupid forgot about me.

[orangecounty]

Kevin, so strange, I was just thinking about this VERY thing while driving to work this morning. I thought to myself, "would I be happier, more upbeat, more this and that if I were in a relationship." Of course I would most likely be happy (maybe not all the time) but then I thought, I don't want to rely on someone else for happiness and I don't want to put such high expectations on my future boyfriend that when we do meet, I'll think why aren't you fixing me. So I realized I have to resolve happiness issues with myself, because that other person has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about myself, even though it may seem like it. I'm not saying they won't bring loads of joy into your life but I think you just have to stay realistic and don't build up the expectations so big that you're disappointed.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Spugly Fuglet,

I wasn't around people for over 10 years.I think cupid forgot about me.

 

Sorry QG Im not shour I get your drift, do you mean you where alone as in no human cotact for 10 years or that you did not find a BF (or GF) in that time.

 

If the latter all I can say is you my have been waiting for Mr Right or not in a good place in your self to be with some one.

 

Or just not met Mr right yet.

 

I had a lot of GF befor I met my wife but I was not happy in my self did some very haurtfull things in that time so some times its better not to be with some one if all you give them is plain like I did.

[Proactive Paradigm]

I don't know. I've always been lonesome, even when around people. It is only recently I've started to realise it hurts so bad that I just want out.

 

How I wish I could go back to the numbness.

[itsallgrand]

Loneliness can be tolerated. Sure, it's not 'fun'. It's not the end of the world either. Not in the circumstances you describe.

 

I noticed a big difference in your posts, Kevin, and KO's. Both expressing loneliness: yet KO's lacked the self-pity and depression.

 

I think that's makes all the difference in the world. Once we (this is from my own observation of myself and others) lapse into the pity-party: It's like Game Over.

It prolongs and feeds the loneliness, craps out our chances of actively pursuing/seeing the opportunities in front of our eyes, and makes us downright ill.

 

If/when that is taken care of: it's only a matter of time and living before something happens that gives us a real relief from the loneliness.

 

I really think KO won't be single for long. And Kevin, once you've cleared your head a bit, I think you'll find someone too.

 

The Original Question: Loneliness just needs to be tolerated as a part of life.

Build up more meaning to it than that or dwell on it: not good.

 

My boss once taught me something in relation to Pain, and I think it applies well to Loneliness too.

Feel the Pain fully, accept it, don't fight it, carry on your conversations and do NOT let it interrupt your life.

Cry if you have to, but always always remember: This is reality and part of life.

It isn't "big". It isn't "the end of the world". It isn't even all that important!

 

It works for physical pain. I'm still working on letting it run its course with emotional pain, but I still wanted to share.

[Dako]

I've noticed some folks don't enjoy their freedom when single, yet gripe about the burdens when in a relationship. It would seem enjoying the advantages of each would stretch your emotional range.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite.

[Kevin T]

Well, it's your opinion. It all depends. Are you a romantic person? Or does it just not matter much to you? If so, we're living in a different mind-set.

 

Depressed? Yeah, at times I can be. No doubt there. Self-pity? Occasionally. It's not fun, but it's warranted... albeit most likely counterproductive (although maybe not; who knows?) I do agree that focusing on one's problems too much can make one ill. It has with me before. It makes me little fun to be around. HOWEVER!!

 

I wouldn't feel such a way without reasons.

 

I don't think clearing out my head is going to solve all my problems. It's probably not enough.

 

There are confidence issues, insecurity issues, anger issues and shyness issues all to deal with.

 

Thing is, even once those problems are dealt with - which could take a LONG time to completely uproot - it still does not guarantee a soul mate, or whatever. All it does it puts me into a better position. But progress is progress, right?

 

I firmly believe that - as much control as we have over ourselves and our lives, which is a lot - we cannot control everything, including how others perceive or interact with us. So there are some things that we cannot change (e.g. our looks, some aspects of our personality, etc.) There will be times when this can and will help or hinder certain situations in our lives.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Kevin T

 

I have extensive experience with depression and overcame it only recently.

 

Depression is mental pain telling one to stop, to change in order to avoid continous mental dissatisfaction and overload.

 

Let's say you would try a physical activity like toppling a car with your bare hands. You would lift it a bit and a bit more and you would start to hurt and within a short while you would give up.

 

With the mind it is similar, when there is a continous discrepancy between what you want and between what you get, you get depressed. Unfortunately, the pain is too little and there are work arounds so we tend to stop too late.

 

The program is sort of like this (!= means not satisfied)

 

while want != get; do something

 

This is a loop, it'll run and run until it is satisfied.

 

To run it, it takes energy, so sooner or later you are out.

 

There are only 2 solutions to get out of the loop.

 

You change what you want

You change what you do

 

In short match your expectations to your ability or vice versus.

 

Assuming you expectations are constant, you have to _do_ better

 

... Otherwhise reduce your expectations (compromise) ... or fail

 

I explained the above first before telling you (what also other posters try to tell you), you do not like to change so it won't work

[Budman]

Improve myself, read books, learn new skills (I recommend magic cause it forces you to go out cause you want to show what you learn (similiar hobbies would be cool), learn something new etc etc. I mean honestly it makes you bring more into a relationship anyway.

[wlfpack81]

Deleted by user

[Shinobie]

I cope with lonliness by cutting and hurting myself.

[_Tiki_]

Kevin, I know exactly what you're going through and it hurts so much!!

 

I've been single for years and I'm only 25. I have a few admirers, but they're not very nice guys and I think they are only after sex, thats the only type I seem to attract. Sex is ok, but I like to be in a relashionship and the guy has to respect me.

 

I had a crush on a guy for ages and last night I was working up the courage to ask him out, but then my friends told me stuff about him that really put me off him. That crushed me because I really liked this guy and I was hoping to start dating him!

 

I have a lot of self esteem issues and I've gone through a lot of bad experiences with men and since then I haven't dated anyone. I had to fight off depression and then start doing things to make me more confident. I've worked hard over the past couple of years to gain more self love and confidence and I've made a lot of good progress.

 

They say stop looking for love and it'll find you, but I think you have to be ready when love finds you.

 

A guy told me something last night that I just started realising this week and that is to just relax and be yourself around the oppersite sex.

 

I'm also very kind hearted and loving and I love making people happy.

 

I'm not going to give up. I will find a loving boyfriend eventualy, but first I have to learn to love me so I can let the great side of me show when I meet that special guy.

 

Feel free to pm me if you want to work out ways to beat this. There are kind hearted girls out there (even if it is only me! lol).

 

You will find someone special! You sound like a really nice guy and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

 

Shinobie, I just read your post. You'll never get better if you give up on yourself, it takes a lot of hardwork, but you can get the life you want and things can get better. Trust me I've gone through hell and my life is great now (apart from lack of love, but even that will improve).

[Kevin T]

Problem is: I'm exceptionally picky.

 

I want it all. Looks, someone who has the personality traits I'm looking for, someone I can get along really well with, someone who has a sense of humour, etc., etc. And of course, even if I actually find someone who possesses all those qualities in one person, then she has to be single (which rarely is the case with great catches like that)... and most of all (and obviously) she would have to be attracted to me, love me for me (eventually) and enjoy being with me.

 

Try getting all THAT in one shot! lol

[jumper71]

It is hard when you are lonely and focus on it, it intensifies things. It is best not to focus on relationships as a source of happiness, do not focus on what you are missing. Find value in yourself, if you are depressed this is very hard to do. If this is the case then you need to seek help, because on your own it is very difficult to defeat, you have to start with small proactive steps. Find a therapist you can afford, consider anti-depressants to jump start yourself out of this feeling. You need to feel some sort of self worth, take up something to express your creative side, a writing class, an art class, pick up a musical instrument, check link removed and see if anything peaks your interest. Read self-esteem books, talk to your friends, family more often focusing more on them and less on your sadness. There is no cure-all, there is no easy solution, but being alone, meaning not in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to feel lonely. There are many people in relationships that feel very lonely, it comes down to how you feel about yourself, what worth and value you see in yourself. If you can see none, then you are depressed and should seek help, it will help you move forward.

[kuhl282000]

Hi There

 

I had purchased a piece of property from a little old lady just a few months ago. She was 92 years old and had owned this property for 45 years now and she was as sharp as anyone I had ever met.

 

She was not driving so I offered her a ride to the attorneys office for the closing. And as we were driving there I ask her the secret to a long life. And she looked me in the eye and said the secret to a long and happy life is very simple.

 

Stay busy, and keep busy and that way you never have any time to get lonely and depressed. I think she knew something..............................

 

So now you have a secret from a little old happy lady, what you do with it is totally up to you. I know what I'm going to do with that knowledge she shared with me....Stay Busy"

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl