How do I save my relationship?

[Game22587]

My girl friend is away at an all girl’s college, last October she told me that another girl kissed her and it meant nothing. Recently my girlfriend confessed to me that this same girl kissed her again. And that she let another man sleep in her bed along with her. She claims that nothing happened that she spent most of her time awake and in the bathroom. But I remember the day this incident happened; she told me that she got drunk and she some what has no memory of what happened. But she told me she said that to upset me, and that in all reality nothing happened between her and this guy he’s just a friend. And it was wrong of her to let him sleep in her bed with her in the first place. So how do I know if she is telling me the truth? How can I trust her again?

 

Aside from that issue, the girl that kissed my girlfriend made that guy sleep in the same bed with my girlfriend. This girl changes my girlfriend into something she is not. And I told my girlfriend that if you want us to stay together things must change, that you can’t drink, party, and that you cant let this girl continue to influence you and turn you into something your not. She agreed. Now my girlfriend returned back to college and she is making me out to be the bad guy for creating these restrictions.

[tylercdurden2004]

Well where do I begin. i had an extremely similar sitiuation insomuch as my ex thought it was ok if guy "friends" shared the same bed as her. i am not sure whether anything happened, but really its irrellevant. The first time it happened I didnt make a big deal of it in fact I didnt say much really, i trusted her. Well a week later I find out she is not sure if she had feelings for him. So I gave her 2 days to figure out what she wanted to do as I was coming in 3 weeks to visit her (we were in a LDR and had been together for 1 year no problems and visited eahc other regularily). 2 days later she was unsure still so I took control and made the decision that I was not going to come to see her, she then begged me to come for us. Very rich. I said you must think I am crazy to wait 3 weeks fly there spend 2 weeks with you in the hopes that you will pick me. That was the end. 4 months later she told me she was not doing well and I ended up taking her back (to make a long story shorter) we were together and lived together no problems. i went to travel and when I phoned her on my way to visit she said her "friend" (different one this time) was coming to visit and was going to stay in her bed. I told her after what happened before I was not comfortable. she did anyways. We stayed together for another 5 months. End of story I realized this wasnt goign to work out, these two incidents plus more made me realize. i came to the conclusion the other day that she possibly has abandonment issues (her dad spent a lot of time away from home in her early years) and some of the things I have reflected on kinda indicate that.

 

What I learned is it is not okay to have someone of the sexual orientation of your partner sharing a bed with your partner. in your case obviously both women and men. Its disrespectful at best extremely hurtful at worst. It not this other girls fault your woman acts this way. I would Kibosh this one ASAP. If you want to PM me feel free.

[Dako]

If she "told me she said that to upset me," what's she trying to do but make you crazy? Seems like a pretty odd way to treat her bf, along with sleeping with, well, a couple. The more the merrier, but how can she justify this to her supposed bf?

What does she expect from you, to be happy about it?

 

Being angry about your reaction just adds insult to injury.

She has to show you something to regain your trust.

[behappy]

wow- i cant get over what she is putting u thru- how would she like it if you did the same thing to her? thats not right what she is doing- i would get rid of her- i am a gal and I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY MAN- i have respect- she is making us gals look bad! shame on her! U DESEVER BETTER!

[tylercdurden2004]

Well I point blank asked my girl as we were breaking up how she would feel if I had "friends" sleeping in my bedshe said "It wouldnt bother me". i asked her what turnip truck she fell off! All I could say.

[neolithic]

honestly, very very honestly, i once cheated on a boyfriend with a few other girls, like BIG TIME, and told him that a girl just kissed me. but that i didn't like it.

 

if she just went away to school, she's going to want to experiment. with other girls, with alcohol, with partying.. it's a part of the process.

 

i don't think it's right for her to sort of drag you along for that process, but it's sort of natural to want to do those things. everyone goes super crazy when they get to school. i should know, i just went through all of that. now, i'm a lot more subdued, and i want monogomy again, and i call staying out til like 2 a.m. a really late night..

 

i know it sounds like i'm defending her, but i know what it's like to seem torn. i know what it's like not to know what to say. it's not cool that she would say something just to upset you. it's not cool that she has plans to let people sleep in her bed with her. it's not cool to do things with other people when you're supposed to be exclusive with someone else. i know what she's going through, but you can't do them in a functional relationship.

 

basically, i don't think now is the right time to save your relationship. i dont' think it'll work. i know she may really want you, but things are difficult and conflicted. you sound wonderful, and you care enough to seek advice on how to salvage the relationship. but.. i don't know. it's hard to say. if you really want to save the relationship, give her a lot of space to sort things out. it's hard.

[heloladies21]

She is fooling around on you behind your back 100% for sure and there is nothing you can do at this point to stop it. She will dump you when she feels detached enough from you or finds someone else who fills her emotional need.

 

This is a dead issue and if you wanna do what's right for YOU, drop the case and dump her as she's not serious or even considerate about you.

[NW Homey]

Your gf isn't ready for a relationship. If she had any real feelings for you whe would be doing NONE of the things she is to you. She is stringing you along in the hope that if she gets enough play time in and get tired of it you'll be there to comfort her. If you do this, the next time she gets a wild hair she will do it again. Find yourself someone more mature and wanting a commited relationship. You DO deserve better thatn her.

[DN]

Is this typical of her behaviour - has she done stuff like this before?

[yeawutever]

On top of that, is she bisexual. Cuz isn't that weird, she kissing another girl?

[RayKay]

This is certainly a very hard situation for you to be in!

 

Right off, I do question her commitment to you and the relationship - even if she had NOT cheated (with the other girl and *possibly* more) I would say that her even making things up to hurt you is in itself a pretty horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to be loving and wanting to make HAPPY, not miserable.

 

What does that say if she was willing to risk hurting you over something that "meant nothing"....that it "meant nothing" sure does not ease the pain or the damage of it, and more so to do it again?

 

 

 

About this quote...I firmly believe that your girlfriend would not change into something she is not, unless she is choosing to do this herself. Friends can pressure you all you want, but if it's not in you - it's not in you. If it is, then it just gives you more reason to pursue it.

 

I disagree that this is part of "college life". We are all responsible for our own actions, and just because SOME choose this life, does not mean it is an excuse for all. If you want this type of college life, it's time to end the relationship you are in before pursuing it.

 

I also don't think you can "stop" someone from doing what they want to...the fact she is making you the bad guy for all the "restrictions" indicates to me that she WANTS to participate in the things she was (is?). Otherwise she would of VOLUNTARILY made a commitment to you to earn your trust back.

 

So how do you get the trust back? Stop blaming yourself for NOT trusting - trust is there until it's broken..and when it is broken it has to be earned back. What is she doing to earn it?

 

Personally, I think it's time for you to end this.....if you don't trust her, it's going to only turn into more of a mess. She is not taking responsibility for her actions (ie she wanted to kiss someone else, she can NOT sleep with someone else in her bed, she can make decisions for herself) and that does not bode well in my mind. She is selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate. And that my dear, is not true love. I would break it off and move on, you deserve someone whom treats you better, and whom you can trust without having to give "restrictions".

[shes2smart]

I think your question should be "Is this worth saving?" rather than "How do I save it?"

 

From my own experience, once the trust is gone in a relationship, it is difficult (if not impossible) to get back.....especially if the person you mistrust is still doing things that make you uneasy. Trust is a very, very fragile thing and can be broken easily.

 

I agree with RayKay on this point firmly believe that your girlfriend would not change into something she is not, unless she is choosing to do this herself. Friends can pressure you all you want, but if it's not in you - it's not in you. If it is, then it just gives you more reason to pursue it.

 

No one's holding a gun to her head threatening her life if she doesn't go along with the drinking and other behaviors. She knows she's supposedly in a relationship with you, but she's not behaving in ways that respect the relationship. If she was, she wouldn't continue to spend time with people who didn't respect her relationship with you, then telling you about her various transgressions after the fact.

 

It's possible for her to go out, have fun, and socialize in such a way that respects the relationship and maintains your mutual trust while the two of you are apart. She's choosing not to do that, and instead she's choosing actions that indicate the relationship isn't really a priority for her. She may say it is....but the choices she's making and the actions she's taking say something different.

 

It's been my observation that when someone's words and actions don't match up, you need to pay close attention to what their actions are telling you. It's oh-so-easy to lie with words....much more difficult for actions to lie.

[Relationship Coach]

Game,

 

I'm very sorry you are faced with this problem, her actions have put you in a tough spot. Some relationships should be saved and some should not. It is never healthy in a relationship to give an ultimatum, if you have reached that point it's basically too late to save it. She is already showing resentment towards you and simply because you asked her to not behave in ways that are damaging to your relationship. You need to understand that you cannot control her actions, only yours. She has used poor judgement and has put herself in compromising positions. The fact that she attempted to lie about it just puts the cherry on top.

Her actions and attitude do not show one bit of remorse and are certainly not the characteristics of someone who is in love or even understands the basic principals of love. The only thing to save here is yourself, save yourself from a lifetime of misery as she will either continue to behave in this manner and even if she grows out of it, the mistrust and damage has already been done. Now you have to worry about her when she says I'm going out with the girls tonight, let alone hanging out with other guys. She can put the blame on you or even her friend who she shared a bed with but her actions do not reflect someone who is sorry and willing to earn your trust back.

 

In my opinion she has it in her mind that this alternative activity wasn't so bad and will probably do it again and be more involved. I know these are not the things you want to hear but you need to hear them. You are trying to keep the Titanic afloat by bailing water out with a Dixie-Cup.

 

RC

[Game22587]

Some more information and details….

 

Me and my girlfriend are both freshmen at different colleges and we have been together for one year. This is a long distance relationship.

 

I was with her the whole month of January. Then in February we started to have fights over little things. I labeled it as a bump in the road due to the fact that we haven’t seen each other in a month. My birthday is in February and I thought she was going to come home to see me but she didn’t. Her words were “I’ll be too busy partying for the both of us” that really upset me. Then the next day my girlfriend tells me that she doesn’t remember things from the night before but shes sure nothing bad happened because she was in her room the whole time.

 

Then in March a friend of mine sent me pictures of my girlfriend from the day of my birthday dancing with another guy with her butt all over him, and dancing with her friend that kissed her. Last week when she came home for spring break she confessed to me that this same girl got drunk and kissed her again on the night of my birthday, and convinced her to let the other man sleep in her bed the same night. After she told me she had said she didn’t remember anything I had lost all trust for her, but I gave us another chance because she said she was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together.

 

Last week before she left for school again we agreed that there must be some changes, no more drinking, partying, and staying away as much as she can from the girl that kissed her due to the fact that this female changes my girlfriend into something shes not. She agreed, but when she was back at school she started saying I put restrictions on her. After I posted last night she changed her mind and said I’m right about everything and shes having a hard time being away from home.

 

Then she tells me the real reason me and her had problems in February, that she had a pregnancy scare from making love to me and she took it out on me by fighting with me and that’s the reason she didn’t come home to see me. As of right now shes been following through on the changes she agreed to make. It’s been a week so far. But she hid the pregnancy scare from me, and it makes me think theres more.

 

I was just talking to her, and she says she’s going to come over here tomorrow to visit me for the weekend.

 

(edited heavily for clarity)

[Rabican]

Im pretty black and white on these issues nowadays... so I may not be the best guy to give you advice on how to save this relationship.

 

I got to the point where she skipped out on your birthday because she was too busy partying and I said "dump the girl"

 

My first line of advice is move on... it just doesnt sound like she is truly commitment material, at least not at this point in her life. If you really mattered and she hadnt seen you in a month... she would have came to see you at least for your birthday. I mean cmon... its your birthday for christs sake.

 

Now lets get to saving this if you still want to. Tell your girlfriend that it is your right to decide who you want to be with. what kind of girl you want to share your life with. It is perfectly understandable that you may choose not to be with a girl who kisses other girls, sleeps in the same bed with other guys, and is out dancing with other guys on your birthday. Did I mention dump her?

 

Tell her that the above mentioned behavior is not kosher with you. She needs to consider your feelings on matters such as these. If she wont consider your feelings, then you truly must move on, as the problems will get worse. Id suggest if she wants to go partying, then you find a way to join in the fun with her... compromise. You cant very well tell her she has to sit at home and knit sweaters if shes really the "going out" type. But its also logical that she has overstepped her bounds and needs to regain your trust.

She really really shouldnt be out getting plowed to the point where she cant remember what she did, who she bonked etc. Thats most definitely detrimental to your relationship. Im not sure how far you guys are from each other but I think first you need to manage to spend more time together... somehow. She needs to cut back the drinking, and definitely rethink her sleeping with other guys... that is so rediculously wrong it shouldnt even need to be mentioned. I highly doubt nothing happened there... but Ill just skip over that for now.

 

Bottom line is you guys need to compromise and see each other more. Let her have some fun, but she needs to realize what your limits are on her 'fun'. If she oversteps that... then maybe its not worth saving. Just sit down and have a good heart to heart. And remember that you are not the bad guy her, dont let her turn the tables on you. Your limitations are not you being bad or controlling, they are you setting logical, respectable limits on the behavior you find acceptable when it comes to the person you share your life with.

 

wow that was way longer than I intended... sorry about that I type fast and get carried away.

[RayKay]

I was with her the whole month of January. Then in February we started to have fights over little things. I labeled it as a bump in the road due to the fact that we haven't seen each other in a month. My birthday is in February and I thought she was going to come home to see me but she didn't. Her words were "I'll be too busy partying for the both of us" that really upset me. Then the next day my girlfriend tells me that she doesn't remember things from the night before but shes sure nothing bad happened because she was in her room the whole time.

 

Even if the distance was hard, which it can be in an LDR of course, that does not excuse her for her not caring to put any effort into your birthday and to see you.

 

Sorry, but when your partner says "I'll be too busy partying for both of us" that is NOT a positive thing! Not very caring or respectful, is it?

 

How can "nothing bad happen" if she was in her room the whole time...??? That just perplexes me. More so that she already said she doesn't remember...so how would she remember if she was in her room the whole time...huh.

 

Then in March a friend of mine sent me pictures of my girlfriend from the day of my birthday dancing with another guy with her butt all over him, and dancing with her friend that kissed her. Last week when she came home for spring break she confessed to me that this same girl got drunk and kissed her again on the night of my birthday, and convinced her to let the other man sleep in her bed the same night. After she told me she had said she didn't remember anything I had lost all trust for her, but I gave us another chance because she said she was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together.

 

Do you REALLY believe that her friend "convinced her" to let another man sleep in her bed? If yes, do you REALLY want to date a girl whom apparently has no ability to say no, and to have her own set of standards and convictions? What if that friend "convinced her" to have sex with another man? Talk about not taking responsibility for yourself. You know, even if I HAVE been drinking, I don't suddenly lose the ability to say no.

 

 

Last week before she left for school again we agreed that there must be some changes, no more drinking, partying, and staying away as much as she can from the girl that kissed her due to the fact that this female changes my girlfriend into something shes not. She agreed, but when she was back at school she started saying I put restrictions on her. After I posted last night she changed her mind and said I'm right about everything and shes having a hard time being away from home.

 

It was probably easy for her to say no when she was not there...then she gets back, her friends are there, and she does not want to sit at home doing nothing while her friends are out.

 

Unless these are HER decisions, and solely her decisions, I can only see her resenting you in time, and breaking them, because they were not "hers" to begin with.

 

Then she tells me the real reason me and her had problems in February, that she had a pregnancy scare from making love to me and she took it out on me by fighting with me and that's the reason she didn't come home to see me. As of right now shes been following through on the changes she agreed to make. It's been a week so far. But she hid the pregnancy scare from me, and it makes me think theres more.

 

Pregnancy scare or not....that does not excuse her behaviour, it does NOT excuse her sleeping in bed (at the very least) with someone else. What happens next time she gets a "scare"?

 

I am not going to tell you what you should do, or shouldn't do. But I will say you need to SEE her willingness to work on this, and to make changes. That probably involves not drinking to point she does "not remember things" and also to point where she takes responsibility for her actions.

 

Tread carefully, she needs to regain that trust, and it will take some time to truly know whether she is making a commitment to change, or if there is more being hidden from you then you know about.

 

I would suggest though, that she is on a "last chance" parole at this point. Don't tell her that, or threaten it, or even insinuate that she gets no more chances because then she may just get better at hiding things. But I DO suggest if she kisses her friend again, or sleeps in the same bed with someone again, or is being inappropriate in other ways, or shows an unwillingness to change, you take that as your walking papers. Don't let others walk all over you.

[shes2smart]

Game22587, the additional details you supplied only demonstrate that she's not acting like someone who is making a commited relationship with you a priority.

 

You can't control what she does. IMO, what you really need to focus on here is if you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who isn't going to make your commitment to each other a priority.

[ComputerGuy]

Im not going to get into a long post on things because everything I want to say has been covered already.

 

Basically this girl is using all these things as excuses to her behaviour...and that's all they are, excuses, not reasons. I have been to uni, It is just as easy to say no to the whole party thing as it is to say yes to it. Contrary to popular belief, you aren't shunned because of it. The fact that she puts getting wasted and making out with girls and sleeping with guys even when "nothing happened - although I dont remember last night" above something like your birthday speaks volumes. Leave her, I know it's hard, but tell her it's over. You deserve someone who loves you back, not someone who uses your kind hearted nature to get away with this crap.

[daffycat]

I am sorry if you aren't coping with your girlfriend's changes right now. No, letting another guy sleep in her bed is not ok, because you don't think it is ok. If you did, it wouldn't be an issue. If it affects you that much, and starts to undermine the trust issue, then go, because without trust there is not much more to build on.

 

She has just started school, and is exploring her life, and who she wants to be... You said that you don't like the person she changes into, and I can understand that. It sucks to have to let someone continue their life, and watch them change into someone you don't really know or like. It happened to me...

 

...but the key here is not to think about the girl that you knew, but the girl that you know now. Sure, in the past you spent wonderful times together, but if you don't like the person that she is now, then it doesn't look too hopeful...

 

 

I am worried that you discussed putting draconian boundaries on her behaviour...no drinking etc etc...even if she did agree to them, the knee jerk reaction to a rule is to break it, especially if you are unhappy in a relationship.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can work it out, but if you can't, just breathe and carry on, because there is always light at the end of a relationship!

[NW Homey]

She has no respect for you and I'm not sure why she even pretends to still be with you. You need to respect yourself here and forget about her. She seemingly forgets about you all the time. Sounds like a onesided relationship to me. Move on with your life and find someone who wants a steady person, not one of the rides on the playground.