healinginnyc81 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 regretfulman, I have to say that your views on gender differences are very simplistic. They are true more often than not and it might have something to do with biology (the different effects of hormones in men and women) as well as environment (the social pressures on each gender to behave a certain way) but there are so many exceptions to the rule that I think your statement is too general. Link to comment
The door mat Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Ok so now i have a question? What happeneds when your ex breaks up with you and has a rebound and relizes that the grass is not greener on the other side come crawling back to you. you get back together for a few months and then he does it again.. my ex has dont this to me about 3 times in the past year, and has just left me again for someone else... Link to comment
curlygirl47 Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 That is so horrible, and I'm sorry for the pain this person has caused you. This time I think you have to say, simply and without much emotion, "You can't come back." Nothing else. That alone will be devastating to someone who realizes he has lost his fallback girl. It doesn't even matter if you don't believe it's true yourself when you say it. You must say it, and let him suffer the consequences of worrying over it for a while. Of course, others on the forum will say don't say it if you don't mean it. I'm just not sure it matters at this point. You have to get back some of your dignity and power and balance things out. (And by saying, "You can't come back" you might mean "ever" or you might mean "unless I say so.") Let him wonder. Link to comment
nikki blu Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 lgirl, it is a fact that women are more emotional then men, its what makes women women. There are certain things about men that make them men, and certain thinga about women that make them women...period, not up for dabate, case closed!!! What a shame...It's that kind of closed mindedness that can ruin relationships.... Link to comment
Alperionce Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Hey there. I was dumped by my girlfriend for the sole reason that she couldn't handle a relationship. She had work,shcool, and family problems, at least that whats she saying to me. I asked her if she was seeing anyone. She said no. I believe her hanging with guys/ girls that I don't really approve. There not scum bags, but I believe they are not someone I would have my daughter hang out with , if I had one. She said that I would be the first guy to go when she can handle a relationship. The fact is, she said she needed a friend. I can't be a friend because I'm hurt, it is a conflicting issue for me because it hurts. I can't think clearly. If the rebound is friends, could this mean that they are genuine, and that they need to clear their head out with just having fun, and not responsibility of relationship, and not just an excuse, or cover up? Link to comment
Regretfulman Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 hey nikki_blue, if men and women were the same emotionally, you wouldnt even want a man, come on, be real. Dr. phil stresses this all the time, men are totally different creatures with different needs, and women have their own set of needs, wake up!!! Link to comment
pocky_biscuz Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 My ex emailed me again. For a little history, we officially broke up in August. Then alot of things happened....so much drama and it ended really really ugly. It actually ended with him saying 'i'm not your friend and if you keep harassing me i'm going to have to take legal actions.' As you can see, there's alot of anger on his part and alot of sadness on my part when the relationship ended. I started NC as soon as he pulled that legal crap on me. That was in October. Since then he broke NC on Dec. 28th....wishing me a happy holidays and said he knew i would be happier without him in my life. That made me realize that he still cares about me....and we once were in love. It was genuine. So that's when i stopped hating, stopped being sad and moved on. Since then i've slowly came out of depressing and i'm moving on now. I replied to his email, a friendly reply stating it would be nice to keep a friendship going and that i'm fine now so i don't hate him anymore. I told him i still cared about him but in a different way. By the way....he was the dumper....lol haven't gotten around to mention that. I regret sending that email because the contents sounded as if i'm still clung on to him. I didn't expect anything from him after that .....four weeks went by and i almost completely forgot about it when he emailed me yet again. This time, it was the most random email i've ever gottened. Just something about himself....one sentence very simple. He just wrote he's getting better at recongizing voice actors (we both luv watching anime....japanese cartoons and i always can tell voice actors better than him). But that email totally put me into a wth state.....it's so random. Do you guys think he's trying to make conversation here? Wanting to get back together someday with me? I have moved on but part of me still wants to be with him. But i just don't understand what was going through his mind when he wrote that email!!! arrrr.................he was my first boyfriend and now my first ex. I really don't know how to handle this 'ex' territory. Coming to enotalone has helped me alot! Any feedbacks? Link to comment
queenofvalidation Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Regretfulman, Thanks! I needed this post. I became involved with my best friend. We were intimate twice within a 9 mo time frame. I developed feelings he couldn't return. He dumped me and had a new girl within 3 days. Their relationship lasted 9 mos. We stayed friends (I still loved him & figured to be friends would atleast keep me in his life, despite all the pain of sticking by him while he was dating this other girl & flirting with all his women friends) There were a lot of ups & downs over the past 2 years. Then when we were as close as we had ever been (a mo ago), he heard I said something about him I didn't say and he came unglued at me & affirmed that we could never be more than friends and he didn't want to be in a relationship w/me. (Basically, breaking up with me even tho we were just friends, but still wanted to stay friends, huh?) Anybody elsed confused about my status? He proceeded to ask me out twice after that & then stand me up...so I am in day 11 of NC mode. Whether he has begun pursuing another rebound, I don't know. I hope he atleasts feels some remorse and indecision for the way he treated me. I know I am starting to feel stronger and I am done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. ~!*qov*!~ Link to comment
RANKANDFILE Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 If you have a chance and would be willing to have email...could you email email removed Would love to pick your brain about a really tough breakup. Link to comment
kadvati79 Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 While I do like to respect peoples opinions, I have a completely different opinion on relationships than Regretfulman's. If a relationship is a game then it is not a real relationship. Certainly not a loving one. I think different men and women are all different emotionally. Having dated both MEN and WOMEN I can honestly say everyone reacts differently, at different stages in their lives, in different ways, at different times! PEOPLE CHANGE I also think that making your ex "work" to get back with you so they feel a taste of their own medicine is missing the point somewhat. Thats a very viscious way to view a relationship, it shouldn't be "you hurt me so I will hurt you" or "I feel bad so I want you to feel bad too". Thats how four year-olds face each other! If its love, you accept what the person did. Accept thats what they feel to do to make themselves happy. And accept that they have probably reall hurt you in the process. Link to comment
chai714 Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 **I recommend that if you have a question regarding your situation with your ex, start a new thread. Your question will more likely be answered, it will probably have more page views, and we can keep this thread focused on the original posters topic. Hope this helps. Link to comment
Tropigal30 Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 My ex said to me when he left that he would be comparing all other women to me and that I had raised the standard incredibly high ... Four weeks later and he has a new girlfriend ... three months after that he is calling me to say she isn't anything that I was and that he can't get over me. (We broke up because he was contracted to leave the country, not because of any fault in the relationship ... but he was going for two years and neither of us felt we could do long distance) I am constantly seeing my male friends get together with women who they aren't compatible with but "She's so good looking" or "She laughs at all my jokes" ... My ex's line is that they have a laugh together ... I am incredibly cautious when it comes to a relationship and I am very good at identifying incompatibilities before I get too involved with someone. What ever happened to dating ! After my previous ex of four years, I had no intention of getting involved with anyone, which I didn't, until I met an amazing guy who was worth getting involved with. Why don't others expect more for themselves ? Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 thanks for the bump. this was a good one! Link to comment
jaylh25 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Never read this before but good post.. from my own experience over the last 13 months I would agree with what the OP says but I'd also reiterate that just becouse they may have some regret it doesnt mean they want to come back. My ex walked out of our house after 6 years together last November. I didnt see it coming at the time although looking back now I should have seen the signs. Its a lot more complicated than this but in short she was hooked up with some guy within days, moved in with him after a few months. All the while in contact about different things. After 4 months started to say she had made the wrong decision, missed me etc etc and after 6 months had left this guy and we gave it another shot. It didnt work out as I think the trust had gone, we hadnt worked on our problems etc etc. She got back with her guy within a few weeks. They are now engaged but she is in occasional contact sometime getting quite emotional. I've moved country now, have a new job in a great city and slowly im getting back on track after what has been quite simply the worst 12 months of my life. My own take is that I just don't know how you can go into another relationship so soon after ending a long term one. You cant get over it in days for sure even if you had been emotionally checking out the relationship leading up to the breakup. For the new person, well they have to deal with the emotional baggage and again if it was me, i would be extremely hesitant getting into something with someone who literally walked out on a long termer days before. It happens all the time but I will never understand it and I guess once the initial honeymooon phase wears off this is when the dumpers start to feel it and start looking back at things. But... i do think by the time they do this in most cases you may not get to know about or its just simply too late. They may be too stubborn or too proud to try and fix it or the dumpee may have simply just moved on and wont go back.. its sad but its life. Just my take. Link to comment
dumped Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 What did you do during that time frame? were you in contact with her. NC. Did she say she was leaving you for someone else or did she lie about it? Link to comment
jaylh25 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 One day I came back from work and she was gone. simple as that. I found out a few weeks later she was seeing someone else. By all accounts from those in the know she didnt do anything physical with this guy until she left but obviously was in contact with him whilst she was still with me. Dont get me wrong here, we both werent happy, I was tied up in work but for sure, i will never forget the way she just walked without a fight in the manner she did. I was in shock at first..if she wasnt with someone I would have fought for her tooth and nails but there was no way I was going to go chasing around after her when she was shacked up with some guy so soon so I just let her go. I never initiated contact but when she got in contact i generally answered.. its been like that over the last 13 months for the most part. There was a period of time in August where we went 2 months of NC but since then its been very much LC and we dont speak about the past now or feelings when we do talk. Im not really sure what she feels these days nor does she about me. Link to comment
rimmasum Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 bump for an excellent thread, would like to hear more views on OP's subject Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Excellent post . . . turned out to be exactly right in my case. Link to comment
u4me Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Don't wait for them to come back. Me ex is still with the woman he left me for - and, the odds were stacked against them. BTW, they've been together for over 1.5 years and weathered moving, unemployment, jealousy, etc. Link to comment
beautifulangel Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Love the tone and the way you have managed to put your thoughts on the dumpers state of mind... am gonna read it again. Felt as if i was sitting with a healer and hearing him out. Keep writing bro... Link to comment
beautifulangel Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Anybody else have any comments about the post, or any personal experiences with the situation talked about? Please contribute, i think this topic is important for dumpees to understand, important to know that they aren't the only ones suffering when a break up happens. The dumpers will have their day, everyone must face the consequences of their actions, period!!! As i always profundly say "ONE DAY THEIR CONSCIENCE WILL CATHC UP WITH THEM" Link to comment
Carus Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Don't wait for them to come back. My ex is still with the woman he left me for - and, the odds were stacked against them. BTW, they've been together for over 1.5 years and weathered moving, unemployment, jealousy, etc. I'm with U4Me* on this one....Happened to me too.... Sometimes rebounds do work out so please dont put any creedence in the 'Rebound Theory' as far as them coming back... I will agree though that some time alone post BU is definitely healthy for ones introspection and to dust yourself off, get your life back in order and be open and ready for the next RS.. And once again this great quote from CrazyAboutDogs*: When a person goes straight into another RS, that is pretty much just a transference of feelings, whereas if one heals properly and then gets into another RS, then the feelings and RS are certainly more genuine* Helps me! Ever Forward K2* Link to comment
lucalicious Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Do you think it is possible to have a rebound 1.5 years later. My example, me ex broke up with me one month ago(6 month relationship). When we met up and talked about it i brought up her ex at one point. and she defended him, defended his cheating on her, said they'd still be together if so and so didnt happen... They were in relationship for 2.5 years. And they were eachother's first loves. She was mine. Ive talked to a few girls that said she was just being irrational bc all she ever did before was say how he really wasnt a good bf and was an A-hole, and a few other things. And, she never brought him up it was always other ppl. So everything she said was just out of spite and not to be taken literally. So my question is could I have been the Rebound even after 1.5 years of them being BU? Her feelings for me seemed genuine but to me it felt like she gave up Link to comment
TSandullo Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 And once again this great quote from CrazyAboutDogs*: When a person goes straight into another RS, that is pretty much just a transference of feelings, whereas if one heals properly and then gets into another RS, then the feelings and RS are certainly more genuine* I like that a lot Kalgan and I appreciate that. I think many are wise to not pin their hopes on their exs returning after reading this article, as good a piece as it is. In my case, my ex new the guy 'as a friend' prior to being with him now after our breakup, as is usual in most cases. About them and their relationship working out? I believe it will. I also believe that they will get married and have children together. As good as I was with her, I believe they may have more of an emotional bond, sexual connection as well as the fact that he is able to provide for her in ways I currently can not. I appreciate that. At least my ex is happy somewhere. And in all honesty, as it hurts still to say, I hope their relationship works out. After all, it it didn't, that would mean another broken relationship for my ex and more pain for her and the guy, which I don't want. And I don't want her daughter to lose another father figure. I love my ex and I want her to be happy, even if that means without me. And if she did want to return to me, we would have to have a lengthy discussion and time to consider whether getting back together is what we both truly want and would seriously commit to. Otherwise, we are better off not even trying. Having said that, I am not sitting around, waiting and expecting for my ex to come stand next to me again with tears, because if I did, it would be at my funeral. Happy healin' friends! TS Link to comment
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