One reason why the dumper goes back to the dumpee

[Charlotte12]

This post has been very helpful. Still...do you think this will be the case? can you please give me an opinion?

[Beduldac]

hi guys. I have a question.

 

if a dumper(she) went into a rebound relationship, would she tell the dumpee when she break up with the rebound guy?

 

thanks

 

She might, but it would depend on her motives. I would love to know the answer myself. The first post by Regretfulman says The Dumper really does not experience the full loss of the old relationship until she breaks up in the new relationship, then she would experience two failed relationships rather than one felt by the Dumpee. This regret might be enough to encourage her to reach out to her last Ex and try to reconcile.

[Beduldac]

1) don't rebound with a coworker or even date one in general

 

2) always follow rule number 1

 

I hope my Ex learns that very lesson in a very certain way. That is exactly what she did.

[sharky988]

The first post by Regretfulman says The Dumper really does not experience the full loss of the old relationship until she breaks up in the new relationship, then she would experience two failed relationships rather than one felt by the Dumpee. This regret might be enough to encourage her to reach out to her last Ex and try to reconcile.

 

Every now and then I would imagine this must happen, somewhere, to someone.

 

What happens WAY more commonly is, the next time your ex is herself dumped, she feels so bad that it makes her realize how much pain she caused YOU, way back when she broke up with you.

 

So very often you'll hear from a past Dumper who suddenly reappears to apologize for the way she treated you.

 

On the surface, a nice gesture. Right?

 

Except usually, beneath the surface, other stuff is going on, that isn't so nice. First there's you, still hoping to reconcile -- so of course this new contact is driving you crazy and getting your hopes up and causing you to obsess on your ex again.

 

Your ex, meanwhile, is being comforted through HER pain about HER recent breakup... by feeding off all the affection and attention she's getting from you. She's using you to nurse her injured feelings and help her feel more desirable and less lonely.... while she continues to heal and eventually move on to her next boyfriend (who still wont' be you.)

 

In general, you can count on this truth: if someone WANTS to be with you, they'll be with you.

 

If your ex wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be dating someone else after the breakup -- call it a "rebound" if you must. But the chances of an ex going back to someone she's already chosen not to be with after a so-called "rebound" relationship hasn't worked out.... are very slim.

 

It hardly ever happens -- at least, I've never done that myself and I've never known anyone who's done that among any of my friends..... I guess you read about rare cases of it happening.

 

But in general, once someone dumps you, they consider it "settling" even if they ever DO agree to reconcile.... and are more likely to dump you again in the future once someone they consider to be "better" comes along. And who needs that? Better to get over the past relationship and find someone new who sees you as Plan A!

 

 

 

**I personally don't believe Dumpers even *have* rebounds.... I think it's the Dumpees who are the ones who are using a new relationship to heal themselves from the pain of their past relationship! Dumpers, by and large, have already healed emotionally by the time they break up with you! No need for a rebound, there. They're simply more READY to move on to their next relationship, right after the official breakup.**

[Raoul]

Sharky988 - enotalone' sown Debbie Downer.

[Beduldac]

Every now and then I would imagine this must happen, somewhere, to someone.

 

What happens WAY more commonly is, the next time your ex is herself dumped, she feels so bad that it makes her realize how much pain she caused YOU, way back when she broke up with you.

 

So very often you'll hear from a past Dumper who suddenly reappears to apologize for the way she treated you.

 

I was not aware of it happening until I discovered the Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS) and a post on another board lead me back here. It fit my situation very well. The concensus seemed to be eventually the Dumper regrets leaving the Dumpee when her rebound fails and tries to reconcile. Many of the posts said not to take her back.

 

Tomorrow will be 12 weeks since she broke up with me. I will be fine whether she comes back or not. I have no idea if I would take her back. It would have been a definite yes two months ago, not so sure now. It still irks me she left me after one date and immediately jumped into a new relationship, because most likely she thought the grass was greener. I would never have done that to her or anyone else.

[sharky988]

I was not aware of it happening until I discovered the Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS) and a post on another board lead me back here. It fit my situation very well. The concensus seemed to be eventually the Dumper regrets leaving the Dumpee when her rebound fails and tries to reconcile. Many of the posts said not to take her back.

 

Tomorrow will be 12 weeks since she broke up with me. I will be fine whether she comes back or not. I have no idea if I would take her back. It would have been a definite yes two months ago, not so sure now. It still irks me she left me after one date and immediately jumped into a new relationship, because most likely she thought the grass was greener. I would never have done that to her or anyone else.

 

GIGS is different from a "rebound". When someone's got GIGS, it's because they want to see what else is out there and experience being single and dating other people. They're bored in their longterm relationships and want to see if they can do "better."

 

When someone leaves you for someone else -- that's not a "rebound" or GIGS.... that's called CHEATING. Your ex was (at the very least emotionally) unfaithful to you while still together and left you for another person. She's not having a rebound relationship, she's having a relationship with the person she cheated on you with.

 

A "rebound" relationship is when someone is recently out of a relationship and jumps into a new relationship very quickly as a means of healing from the one before. Sometimes these don't last long because once they're healed from the earlier breakup, they no longer "need" their new partner. Other times they DO last, it depends on the people involved.

 

However, DUMPERS don't usually need to rush to someone new to heal from a breakup! THEY caused the breakup, they're usually at least partially at peace with it and ready to start dating by the time they break up with you -- after all, being free to date others is one of the main reasons they broke up with you!

 

It's the Dumpee who is more likely to run out and find someone else to recover from the pain of being dumped. And you can read many such stories here... people who are still not over their ex, dating some new person, but having mixed feelings after a few months in. It's sad but pretty common.

[Beduldac]

We were together for 11 months. Our last date was 12 weeks ago today. She said she wanted to have fun and be single. She did not declare it a new relationship until a few days after our last date. The following week he executed his master moves of getting her a dozen roses and asked her to be girlfriend. That was alarmingly fast and completely contradictory. In the end, she left me for someone else but there was a few days in between. That is why I am more inclined to think it was GIGS.

 

I am not sure how much difference it makes. I am not sitting around waiting for her to come back. I am distanced enough from the break up. If she came back and wanted a second chance, it would be a hard decision on my part. It would be more clear cut if she was a "normal" girl.

 

There is no reason to think when they break up she is going to be in good shape emotionally. She is still a wounded woman as I explained earlier. I should have broke up with her last year. Based on what she told me, her other relationships ended badly because she said men used her for sex and treated her badly. That is why she said she never dropped her guard even though we were together for months. She needs therapy, not a relationship.

[sharky988]

We were together for 11 months. Our last date was 12 weeks ago today. She said she wanted to have fun and be single. She did not declare it a new relationship until a few days after our last date. The following week he executed his master moves of getting her a dozen roses and asked her to be girlfriend. That was alarmingly fast and completely contradictory. In the end, she left me for someone else but there was a few days in between. That is why I am more inclined to think it was GIGS.

 

People will often give excuses like "I just want to be alone right now" or "I just need to be single right now".....it's typical and I wouldn't believe her. What's UNUSUAL is the hear the truth -- especially when there's a third party in the mix. She didn't just "meet" this guy and stumble into an instant relationship days after the breakup. She was cultivating this relationship while she was with you.... and that's called CHEATING.

 

I know it's hard to see her in that light, and I only mention it NOT to be cruel, but to help you knock her off that pedestal! She's a cheater! A low-life no-good cheater. She lied to you about the breakup. She's a liar-liar-pants-on-fire.

 

You're too good for her! And that guy she left you for? You know what they say: if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you. So I doubt she's got a happy ending coming her way with this guy, either.

 

 

[Beduldac]

Two facts are definite: she met him at work and he was a temp on her shift. She was off work due to a back injury and I am certain she met him when she went back to work. He saw an opportunity and moved in on her. Dating a coworker is still a very bad idea and hardly ever ends well. It does not surprise me she met him at work, because she tries to stay so busy as a form of social avoidance. She described it as a "friendship" that turned into a "relationship." Their first date on 7 March encouraged her to pull the trigger on me on Saturday the 8th.

 

She met me at a Dollar Tree in March 2013. We hit it off immediately and exchanged names and numbers before we parted, so I know she was attracted to me from the beginning. I was completely faithful to her. I have no idea why she turned on me. I know I could attract her back again.

 

I doubt her insta-boyfriend is going to work out either. No man moves so fast without ulterior motives. When I was checking their Facebooks, it was very clear he knew very little English. He was already talking about love and marraige in Spanish 9 days after their first date. I hope he tells he loves her all the time and proposes ASAP, that will force a break up. Hopefully, it would be a very bad break up. The only reasons I could come up with for the super-fast pace was he is either very desperate or is really seeking a Green Card. Either way, she was not looking for a proposal.

 

I hope she gets everything she deserves and learns the grass was not greener. I still love and miss her, but it is all too clear she was always the wrong girl for me. When her current affair self-destructs, I would not be surprised if she tries to come back. I hope she comes crawling back to me. If she tries to reconcile, I am going to make her very work hard for it.

[bison67]

All depends on the dumper and why they left. Sometimes such as my case there is absolutely zero chance that she would ever come back to me, they type of dumper that wouldnt ever go back no matter how much sense it made, trumped by logic. She could convince herself 2+2=5 and believe that till the day she died, that kind of stubborn. Its all circumstantial and in the end the only play is to move on.

[Beduldac]

Why did your dumper leave?

[sharky988]

He saw an opportunity and moved in on her.

 

She wasn't a victim, here. It takes two people to grow closer and cross boundaries. She's an adult (I assume) and knew she was crossing lines with this guy, and did so anyway. He WASN'T in a relationship with you when they met -- SHE was.

 

I understand it's tempting to turn HIM into the villian here and keep her up on a pedestal.... but she's the one who was cheating, not him!

[dave_1966]

Bump! Good thread...

[PieceofShaun]

Might as well add my scenario, i'll try to keep it short: (Ex is 23, im 22)

 

Ex left 2 months ago, she wasn't happy in the relationship. from what i've been able to diagnose about her afterwards and from talking to her brother in law (he was surprised, but then not surprised about the BU), my ex lacks the maturity emotionally to recognize that only she can make herself happy and it doesn't come from the people she dates. that's reason number 1, and by in large the bigger factor. She reverted away from her old lifestyle as she wasn't happy with it and did a total 180. She's with somebody else now and thinks she will be happy with him. if she is great, but she will hit that base level of happiness in a couple months and wonder what is really going on. she might learn happiness comes from within, or she might jump ship again.

 

The second reason was that she got cold feet. I was applying to grad schools and we would have moved away together (she wanted this initially). with being unhappy with her circumstances, and additionally uncertain of the future, she distanced herself and backed out. things were great between us, and we had a strong bond mostly because i rebuilt her heart from scratch.

 

she will likely come back to me when things get rocky with this guy. i was the best she had by a mile and this new guy is by all means a complete downgrade. i wont take her back until she learns what she needs to learn, but maybe she will figure out what she wants before then. only time will tell. either way I hope she is happy. the point is, ex's leave for personal reasons sometimes and it doesnt necessarily mean something was wrong with the relationship. my ex was mature enough to know that i couldnt be dragged into what she needed, and cut me off. i didn't realize this until after because i felt rejected, even though it was nothing personal. sometimes break ups arent about rejection and the other person genuinely cares enough about you to know what is best for both of you. it's weird what we can be capable of but at the same time incapable of.

 

In short, I expect my ex to come back once she learns these lessons within herself. things were great between us and we had a strong bond and she knows this. i rebuilt her heart, we did extreme long distance and we were inseparable long after the honeymoon period without having any remotely major issues. we clicked from the get go and i treated her like a queen while avoiding being the 'nice guy'. we had communication issues relative to our age, but all in all there are no reasons to see the relationship as a failure, which is why if she comes back it can work out. only time will tell and every case is different. just something to think about for your own scenarios, there is no cookie cutter way of looking at these things

 

EDIT: I think it's important to recognize that we truly don't attain the EXPECTED maturity of adulthood until well into our 20's. if i had a say in it, we wouldn't be considered adults until we are around 25, not implying anything towards privileges, i just think that's a maturity peak for most people. people expect others in their 20s to be fully there, but that couldnt be farther from reality in most cases

[mg22]

They come back because they are bored !! they love the attention the dumpee may provide. Its all a psychological game. Unless they prove thru actions that the really miss you, love you and want you back don't waste your time !

[samy]

Hi regretful man, it was an interesting post, I enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately I have been always the "dumpee", and don't have any experience as a dumper and also of a dumper coming back so far. I actually had a rebound relationship and realised it only now (20 years later) so am aware of this mistake and try to avoid it.

My question is: the dumper usually has detached him/herself emotionally from the relationship much before the actual dumping occurs, so the new relationship may well be a situation of the "grass is greener" but can really be a rebound for dumpers? I mean they moved on from the person they dump so it could be a relatiohnship started for not being alone etc but I would think it is not for not thinking of the pain of the break up, in the eyes of the dumper, already detached and not emotionally connected, it is never as painful as for the dumpee who was in love and usually didn't see it coming.

 

Just my thoughts on this.

Thanks for your insight!

[farghs]

Registered specifically to bump this very insightful thread, hoping this continues to help other dumpees as it did for me. Looking forward to seeing more posts.

 

"The people that are quick to walk away are the ones who never intended to stay."

[Wisebutsodumb]

I understand what you must be feeling right now. I think sometimes people become too secure in their relationship and they take it for granted. Maybe that's what your ex was doing. Maybe it got boring because he wasn't putting in the work to keep it exciting. So he takes the easy way out when something new comes along.

My ex gf did the same to me. We weren't having any problems but this guy who's more outgoing and confident than med comes along and 2 months later she's telling me it's over and that she wasn't really happy and she lists for me all these things that were wrong with our relationship when just 2 months before we were going out and having fun and saying we loved each other.

It was probably an ego boost for her to have this other guy attracted and it was exciting, like you said.

 

It just shows that while we may have been committed to the relationship and believed it was good, they weren't as committed, so we need to find someone who does believe that we are perfect for them.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss, I hope you feel better soon, although you sound like you're doing pretty well.

 

The fact that she didn't want to communicate with you about the problems is childish and things she can find better. Remember that, they would rather leave then work things out.