One reason why the dumper goes back to the dumpee

[Regretfulman]

It happens everyday, someone gets dumped and before you know it, the one who did the dumping is with someone new. Just a coincidence? Never...people have a way, especially women, of not letting go of someone until the next one comes along. Is it right? Nope, but its also a way of protecting onself from the hurt of the breakup and making sure that they aren't alone. It also helps validate their decision, makes them confident about it, and the new person serves as a pleasant distraction to them, avoiding the pain of the breakup. It may seem like a great idea, but it can backfire just as quickly as it was put into play.

 

Lets face it, the new person is a rebound, regardless of who did the dumping, a rebound is a rebound, and these types of relationships rarely last. Everything might seem fine in the beginning, but once the sparks wear off, things change, and more often then not, things come to a screaching halt. The dumper thought he/she was being smart by ignoring the pain of the first relationship ending, but now it starts to haunt them.

 

See, the dumper in this situation actually is setting he/she up for an all or nothing ending. If things were to work with the new person, then he/she would of course be happy, and successfully forget about the one that was dumped. Two birds were just killed with one stone. But, if the new relationship doesnt work out, guess what? All of a sudden the dumper is having to deal with 2 relationships failing, instead of just one, that the dumpee is facing.

 

Now, the dumper has to finally deal with the pain from the relationship that was ended at their hands, and the discomfort of the shorter new relationship that failed, its like a double whammy. Usually when this new relationship fails, is when the dumper ends up going back to the one that was dumped, crying and asking for a second chance. this is also the reason why the dumpees should make them work for that second chance. They need a taste of their own medicine.

 

The point of this post it to let people know that when you move on to someone else so quickly, its usually not the smartest thing to do. You may seem on top of the world if you were the one who dumped your ex, but all the pain and sorrow that the one you dumped is dealing with, will come back to you once you are finally faced with it. Dating someone new always helps us move on and not focus on the past, but if it is used soley as a means of not dealing with your feelings for the ex, then it will surely backfire.

 

I think that when a dumper finally comes around and starts to seem interested again, you can bet that this scenario is usually the reason why. They delayed their pain by occupying their time with someone new, and when the new person was gone, they were forced to confront the pain, now they realize how much they miss the one they left. Things are now forced on them, they are alone and have time to think and regret what they did.

 

So if your ex dumped you, and now is seeing someone new, shortly after your breakup, i wouldnt worry about it. Chances are it won't work, and if there was ever a case of them coming back to you, this is the one. Relax, and do no contact, don't remain friends with them no matter what. Most of the time they only want you as a friend because you are a backup, a safety net for the new relationship, you must walk away and leave them alone with the new person. Don't give them their cake and let them eat it too. Eventually they will be calling you again, and 9 times out of 10, it will be for a second chance, because the grass on the other side didn't turn out to be so green. Be patient and let them come to you, and if they never do, you are better off anyways. Goodluck

[yme]

Just as I was beginning to accept that she was happy in her new affair and that I should resign myself to living without her (or, moving on, in 'break-up' terminology) you post this.

 

It is so full of logic, reinforces what my relatives have told me about her wishimg to come back after the 'honeymoon period', and so plausible that I have a renewed hope.

 

Thing is, do I let myself go back to longing for the day when she sees the light with her toy boy, or say to hell with it (sorry if I offend anyone) and convince myself that I am better off without her?

 

I am in week 4 of seperation after a 21 year relationship went pear-shaped. I have wanted her back for herself, as well as the help she provided me with (I am disabled, and NEED the help). Letting go is particularly difficult for me.

 

Can anybody advise me of which way to go next? This post has revived the feelings that I was letting go of

[Regretfulman]

I didn't mean for this post to give you renewed hope, that isn't really the point of it. I was trying to explain how jumping into another relationship fresh after a breakup is a bad idea for anyone. I also wanted to point out that often times when an ex that dumped you comes back, this is one of the most common situations in which it happens. Anytime someone breaks up with you, the best thing to do is move on. Establish a No Contact policy right away, don't agree to be friends, just move on. someday they may come back, you never know, but don't hold out hope without a good reason to, and this post isn't a good enough reason to.

[yme]

Thanks for that. I have renewed hope, but I won't be holding my breath, now.

[Regretfulman]

Anybody else have any comments about the post, or any personal experiences with the situation talked about? Please contribute, i think this topic is important for dumpees to understand, important to know that they aren't the only ones suffering when a break up happens. The dumpers will have their day, everyone must face the consequences of their actions, period!!!

[coooolsome]

What if the dumper rebounded and that rebound lasted only a couple of weeks and then the dumper finds someone else to occupy their mind like 2 weeks later? Now mind you, she has not dated either of them, she talked to the first guy on the phone a lot and he ended up being a jerk but the 2nd guy she has been hanging out with a lot and they both like each other.

 

Can rebounding occur even if they are not together?

[Regretfulman]

Rebounding can happen whether or not they are together. All rebounding means is that you are going into something else after something ends, it could even be a friendship rebound. Usually rebounding is done to forget the ex, but it never really works, because eventually you will have to deal with it. Yes, there can be more then one rebound, there may be several rebounds before the dumper realizes that they are still haunted by the long term ex.

[newts]

Hey Regretfulman,

 

Nice post, My ex and I broke up (he was the dumper), 2 days later he was with another girl, 7 weeks later they were engaged. We were in constant contact with each other, most of the time not very pleasant contact. As soon as I found out he was engaged I closed the door, I didn't close it I slammed it shut. He tried to contact me for 5 months and I totally ignored him.

 

I decided to answer his calls about 2 months ago, he told me he was miserable and he loved me when we were together and sometimes he still thinks he does. He called again just over a week ago and told me he can't stop thinking about me and wonders why I wont call him? (they are mad).

 

I just don't do anything, I answer his calls on the odd occasion, I tell him that I still love him, however, I will never forgive him for hurting me the way he did, his response " you need to forgive and forget, life is too short", easier said than done.

 

So I'm with you on this post and it makes a hell of a lot of sense to me because I am living it. So, good job regretfulman.

[Juha]

How long do rebounds last???

 

How often are rebounds meaningful???

 

It also seems that sometimes when the dumper does a rebound that they will refuse to let it end as they are afraid of dealing with the emotions of the first breakup...In other words the rebound is not going well and they jsut keep in it to not deal with anything...

 

I have seen both of these scenerios happen

[yme]

I must admit that I have fears similar to Juha.

 

My EX is stubborn, and she would stick by her 'rebound' just to prove the doubters wrong. You see, her toy boy is younger than our eldest two sons, and they have told her exactly what they think. So I imagine that she would drag this out just for getting back at her critics!

[Regretfulman]

Some rebounds last a long time, im sure some end in marriage, but the vast majority end because the dumper is not really emotionally available, and that will show through to the new person. I don't think most rebounds are meaningful, i've been a rebound guy before, and i remember hearing stories all the time about her ex, she was clearly not over him. I've been right there on the front lines, i know what goes on. It is also true that a rebound can be dragged out to keep from remembering the ex that was dumped. Like i said before, we all have to face our demons eventually, and the dumpers do too. When they do finally deal with their feelings, thats when they make legitimate attempts to be friendly to you, or in extreme cases, beg and cry and profess their love. You never know when it comes to relationships, but i do know rebounds are a red flag

[novaseeker]

I think both dumper and dumpee run the same risks in a rebound relationship.

 

Anyone with sense knows that it is pointless and self-defeating to jump into another relationship after the ending of a longer-term relationship. It just doesn't work emotionally. And yes the 'bill comes due' at some stage for sweeping the bad feelings under the rug like that ... they have to be dealt with eventually.

[chai714]

I think many of you brought up good issues here. There are many reasons why people do things. They can change their mind because they have new information, because someone said something that made them feel a certain way, etc. The possibilities are really endless.

 

I agree with Regretful in a sense that people often "dump" others for a new person. You hear about this sort of thing often and it is quite common. For some, it makes leaving someone easier because they know they've got someone else in the works. I actually did this myself when I was younger. As far as the "dumper" coming back when things didn't work out with their "rebound It all depends on why the "dumper" feels like going back. Guilt is not a good reason either, but it's often the reason.

 

Juha asked how long rebounds last. I ask Juha this: is it going to rain exactly 2 months from today? The answer is nobody knows. The reason why rebounds are unlikely to last long term is because the person who gets into a rebound relationship is usually a person whose self-esteem has been temporarily injured. During this time, a person who they normally wouldn't be attracted to become attractive on different levels (means emotional and/or physical). I'm basically restating some laws of psychology, but you get the idea of why they (in theory) don't last.

 

How often rebounds are meaningful is another unknown. It all depends on the two people involved. They can be meaningful, but as far as a certain % or an actual statistical figure would be difficult to obtain. It might make for an interesting study though.

[Regretfulman]

I once dated a girl who was a serial rebounder, when one relationship ended she went right to a new guy, sometimes an ex boyfriend, sometimes a one night stand. Anyways, i found out her dating history from her own mouth, after several months with her. I was shocked in one way, but in another way i wasn't. I can't tell you how many times she remarked about 3 of her exes, not 1 or 2, but 3!!! Turns out, i was a rebound from that third guy, she went right from him to me. Halfway through our relationship i caught her talking to guy number 3 again, she was still not over him. She even talked to guys 1 an 2 over the course of our dating. Point is, she never fully grieved or forgot those 3 other men, because she was constantly distracting herself from her emotions. Now she is with a new man, and im sure she talks about me sometimes to the new guy, because i know she isnt over me yet, after all, she told me she loved me for the last time 4 days before we broke up. She has serious issues, and she will continue building up an army of men that she can't forget, and someday she will torture herself as she feels the pain of not one relationship gone bad, but several.

[Regretfulman]

Often times the dumper is unhappy in the relationship, and someone new comes along, they dump the old person, and jump into something with the new one. Instead of properly addressing the issues in the first relationship, they throw it away and try something new, knowing that its easier then working out old problems. Usually the dumper knows that they can have the ex back at anytime, so they arent afraid to try something new. This is why you as the dumpee must never agree to be friends with someone who kicked you to the curb. If you walk away, then they are faced with the dilemma of making it work with the new person, which it probably won't anyway. There is a whole psychology behind it, but we as dumpees must learn to walk away, especially if we ever hope to have a second chance in the future.

[chai714]

Regretful,

You might want to thank her for leaving. She did you a favor. What do you say to someone who does you a favor? Thank you.

[Regretfulman]

You are right, i am better off without her, she has so many issues to deal with its crazy. I really feel bad for the guy she is with now, he is in for it big time, hopefully he has a nose for dysfunction, or he will be blindsided someday like i was. This girl is highly emotional, she once told me "I can't get over someone until I find someone new". She is very wrong though, just because you aren't thinking of that person, doesnt mean you are over them. sweeping your feelings under the rug will never work. She is only fooling herself, someday she will have to face her feelings for all the guys in her past.

[jigsaw]

Regretfulman,

 

This post is an interesting read, and is in fact a subject that has been on my mind recently. Great insight everybody. I'll post my thoughts on rebounds when I have a moment.

[AC874]

And this is exactly what has happened to me.

 

According to various people, my ex of 4 years broke up with me and then meet somebody some 2 weeks after. No wonder why she was "over" me in 3 weeks...... she had somebody else in the waiting line.

 

How clever.

[Regretfulman]

I feel this post is very very important, because it gives us a glimpse of what goes on in the dumper's mind. Sometimes all it takes is realizing that you are not alone in your pain, the dumpers are experiencing the same thing, just they are a bit more confident, because they are the ones who left. Sometimes the dumper will feel more pain, if they regret their decision, but by the time they ask for a second chance, its too late. Pain is pain, and we all feel it, dumpers are not immune.

[newts]

It's interesting, the last time my ex and spoke about 10 days ago we had the discussion on how much he hurt me, he replied - don't you know how much it hurts me too? He also said he made the biggest mistake of his life by getting engaged to this woman, however, he is still there.

 

I think he might have finally come to the realisation, the current relationship isn't all that he thought it would be and he is finally hurting and facing up to the grief of our relationship ending.

 

I don't know, just thoughts.

[Regretfulman]

Its crazy how the human mind works, but we do things out of fear much of the time. Another thing i will say is that it seems women do this moving on thing quicker then men. There is a simple explanation for this, women are, by nature, more emotional then men. thereforeeee they react with their heart more then their head. The are more dependent, submissive, and desire closeness and the feeling of being cared for. Its not a mystery as to why so many women jump right to another man. Some men will say its because she is evil, but its really because women have a harder time dealing with strong emotion, and if they have a way to ease it, they go for it, just like shopping or eating ice cream, lol

[daredevil]

I've learned a lot the last 1½ years since my breakup with a girl especially to handle and look into invidiual situations, which has made me very very careful about the girls i'm dating etc.. but I would like to share my view

 

2 months ago, I startet talking to one of my girl friends in a more serious way (we became intimate @ words and phone calls etc), before this she had left her boyfriend because he had treated her so bad. Well after the breakup she initiated the contact to me @ the intimate thing and calls etc, so we met each other for the second time I think it was, and I spend 3 days at her place, where we were together etc. Before all of this she had told me a lot of nice things regarding my personality and she would never harm me etc, 1 week after I came home form her place she told me it all had gone too fast, and that she had some problems herself. She was the first, If u look besides of 1 nighties, that I was close with and had some feelings for for some time, but well she told me that and we stopped talking for a while, and now we just talk some times.

 

That was my example of how I experienced being a rebound, and I must say it wasn't a nice feeling, I lost a good friend etc, because we can't talk the same way anymore etc. So I just want people to know, as they probably do, that you shall not date girls, who recently left their bf, feelings will always be left behind.

 

Ok my current situations looks a lot like the the above mentioned, and I know how to handle it, I would just like your view on it.

 

This girl has had the hots for me in some periods over the last 6 months, we have known eachother for 6 months and talked about feelings etc before. She left her boyfriend 15 days ago and confronts me with her feelings etc, we start to talk and I've always had something for her, she has a great smile and personality etc, but I'm well aware of the fact she dumped her bf 15 days ago (she dumped him because he tought to much aboutthe future she told me). THis christmas she is coming to me to spend some days, and we talk like 10 hours each day on mobile, msn etc.. I think i got something for her, but the fact she left her bf, made me think a lot, so what is your opinion?...to help u to answer i got following info.

 

1. I know it isn't more than 30 days since she in a blog on a community site wrote she was in love.

2. She says she has had such feelings for person she havent seen for some time (me).

3. I told her that I was a lot precautious, because I don't want to be a rebound, and I were talking things very slow bc of all the fuzz with her bf.

4. She were torn between me and a friend (the friend doesnt know me, but he told her that I were a person who just wanted to random sleep with people, but she knew that wasn't true so decided to drop his friendship etc).

 

My opinion: I'm taking it slow, giving it a chance because she seems nice, but I know, that I may easy be a rebound, and that she could take advantage of me, even though she hasn't ever had any relationships so fast after another. I'm going to show her my personality and be romantic etc, she is over the hill about the things I tell her etc, but i'm still considering not meeting her, what do you think?

[newts]

I will have to disagree with that regretful, I believe, women in their emotional state will pine over someone they truly loved a lot longer than a man will over the woman, this i think is because of our emotional state we hold on to the pain, where as men seems to want to move to the next stage of their life as fast as they can, the emotions my still be there, however, they are not expressed as in todays society men have been told they have to be strong and show no fear, no emotion.

 

If I was in love with an ex, i will try to wait at least 12 months before starting a new relationship, because baggage is not cute and you just line yourself and your new partner up for pain.

 

I will also not go out with somebody who has just come out of a long term relationship until they have been by themselves - without a relationship for at least 6 months.

 

Again, just my thoughts.

[lonelyfish]

I was the rebound girl! My ex told me he had nothing in common with his ex after 10 years and they eventually grew apart. He met me soon after he ended things with her and we had a blast, never argued, everything was peachy, though it was long distance and a little baggage, and he had some issues which I graciously overlooked. After some time he freaked about getting into another serious relationship so soon and ended things with me. So yeah, looking back now I agree it is crazy to get involved with anyone who recently ended a serious relationship! In my case I do believe it was just bad timing but I take satisfaction knowing because I'm such a great person, everyone he dates next he will have to compare them to me and let me tell you those are some big shoes to fill and the girl will have to be a very compassionate soul to deal with his emotional baggage.

 

I know this may be different from others situations but at least it's another perspective for this thread.