You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[zrehman]

Hey peoples!

 

I just started the NC since yesterday @ 5pm. It is soooooooo tough!

 

I know my ex will NOT contact me, because she is very very attractive and guys hit on her all the time. Its a long story, but when I asked about me and her, she said, "I don't know" ... I let her know that I can't be a "?" in her life and since she doesn't know what purpose I have in her life, than I just need time to heal and move on (the story is a bit deeper than that, but that's it in a nut shell)

 

So, I know I'm gonna miss her everyday, and she will probably start dating someone new and just the thought of her touching another guy makes me cringe inside!

 

Oh well .... it is what it is.

[zrehman]

Hey buddy, well it depends on a few things. Firstly, your ex is really upset at you for not paying attention .. woman love getting attention and feeling loved from there significant other, so she has a reason for not wanting to take you back because she probably doesn't think you will change and are only acting this way cause she dumped you.

 

Also, if she is liking another guy, the chances are that she is probably gonna date him and see how things go with that. If the guy turns out to be a sweetheart and makes her happy, than she will probably forget about you and move on with him ... I hope this doesn't happen, but just be mentally prepared for anything.

 

NC is for yourself. I just started NC yesterday and I miss my ex like crazy, but I don't know or think she will ever call me back, because she is very attractive and guys hit on her all the time, so she really can keep herself occupied from missing me or calling me. But I'm doing NC for myself and to move on ... I feel like she puts me on the back burner and I don't deserve that after the 4 years I've treated her like gold! So instead of trying LC or trying to be her friend which would be extremely hard for me, cause I would have to be emotionless. I decided to just cut her off, even though I love her and miss, and just move on cause I know in the end, I'll be a lot more happier once I stop thinking about her every second of the day. Being with her, I wasn't happy either, because I was doing all the work and I was conforming to her ways when she would be messing up in the relationship all the times. I definitely got the * * * * ty end of the stick, but instead of being her puppy and always being there, she needs to deal with the consequences of what she wants and move on without me in her life. (Sorry, I know I went on a tangent)

 

Just try NC and do it until your head is clear and you can stand up on your own 2 feet again. Then think if its really worth rekindling the love with your ex.

[SighSob]

Hello zrehman!

I so understand how you feel...the thought of my ex having fun, kissing, or having "other things" with another guy is the worst part of being dumped.

If I were able to focus on MY life I wouldn't even miss her that much...I'd just like to erase her from my memory (not really but you know what I'm saying..)...I have friends, girls who like me and everything, but that is not enough to stop thinking about what my ex is doing and if she is missing me...and since I know she probably is having fun, thinking about this other guy and not missing me at all...the days go by reeeally slowly...

[zrehman]

Hello zrehman!

I so understand how you feel...the thought of my ex having fun, kissing, or having "other things" with another guy is the worst part of being dumped.

If I were able to focus on MY life I wouldn't even miss her that much...I'd just like to erase her from my memory (not really but you know what I'm saying..)...I have friends, girls who like me and everything, but that is not enough to stop thinking about what my ex is doing and if she is missing me...and since I know she probably is having fun, thinking about this other guy and not missing me at all...the days go by reeeally slowly...

 

 

I'm sorry to here that buddy. We can just help each other out and be strong and try to get over this hump. So if you are gonna do NC, make sure you are trying to improve yourself to be stronger.

 

If you do NC and just sit around waiting for your ex to call ... its not gonna happen. Just move on and if she calls ... it might be too late, and you will have already moved on with someone who loves and appreciates you more.

[SugarHoneyIcedTea]

Wow, I had just recently broke NC about a week ago after 6 days and now I wish I didn't. Breaking NC allowed me to find out some of those un-answered questions that we're always running through my mind, and in a way I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I ended up with a broken phone (out of his jealous rage he decided since he couldn't look through my phone, he'd break it) and still nothing.

 

This thread was definetly something I needed to kick start my NC, I realize he needs his space & I need time to really figure out who I am. This time around starting NC I feel better than ever. I refuse to beg for someone who blantantly disrespects me and doesn't care enough to change. Though it will be hard because I am so used to his warmth, and him being around .. I know what has to be done & best of all it can't possibly get any worse than it is now if I just leave!

[zrehman]

Hey hun

 

I'm sorry to hear about that, but your right. It can't get worse than it has now and you are doing the right thing ... you are trying to find yourself and the only way to do that is through NC. Don't worry, we will all help each other out ... lets do this ... baby baaaaaby!

[Martyrdom]

Also, if she is liking another guy, the chances are that she is probably gonna date him and see how things go with that. If the guy turns out to be a sweetheart and makes her happy, than she will probably forget about you and move on with him

she is very attractive and guys hit on her all the time, so she really can keep herself occupied from missing me or calling me.

So instead of trying LC or trying to be her friend which would be extremely hard for me, cause I would have to be emotionless.

 

Ya..thats what I am afraid of as well...she already has a new Boyfriend, ( day after she broke up..). Really, what the hell can I do but 'wait' or 'better' myself. Mom thinks I shouldn't get back with her, but I do still want her back...a lot. > She said I wasn't 'fun' enough...we went to the virgin islands...and saw movies...and stuff. Wth! I'm here with ya on treating her like gold, and then getting screwed in the end. It sucks : /

[zrehman]

Ya..thats what I am afraid of as well...she already has a new Boyfriend, ( day after she broke up..). Really, what the hell can I do but 'wait' or 'better' myself. Mom thinks I shouldn't get back with her, but I do still want her back...a lot. > She said I wasn't 'fun' enough...we went to the virgin islands...and saw movies...and stuff. Wth! I'm here with ya on treating her like gold, and then getting screwed in the end. It sucks : /

 

Sorry to hear that buddy ... but I think you should wait on contacting her and give her a fair chance in the relationship with her current bf ... I know that's not what you want to hear, but that would be the honorable thing to do.

 

While time is going by, you need to make yourself stronger and make sure the next relationship you get into, you don't do the same things to your future gfs.

[SighSob]

I'm sorry to here that buddy. We can just help each other out and be strong and try to get over this hump. So if you are gonna do NC, make sure you are trying to improve yourself to be stronger.

 

If you do NC and just sit around waiting for your ex to call ... its not gonna happen. Just move on and if she calls ... it might be too late, and you will have already moved on with someone who loves and appreciates you more.

 

You're so right..

 

Anyways I would like to say a big thank you to superdave for all his wonderful helping posts...you're making things a LOT easier to go through at least for me!!

[zrehman]

You're so right..

 

Anyways I would like to say a big thank you to superdave for all his wonderful helping posts...you're making things a LOT easier to go through at least for me!!

 

Yes sir Super Dave, thanks! You have helped me be stronger from just reading your posts.

[zrehman]

She called me last night everyone ... check it out:

 

 

[gary1958]

My situation was that my girl who I was with for 2 years left me one night over some percieved slight. Flew out of my house in panic mode. A friend told me a week later that I stressed her out. Now this woman has been diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety disorder among other things. Had medication in her car glovebox she wouldn't take because she didn't like the side effects. But yet I stressed her out. Of course I did.... EVERYTHING DID!! But still I was blamed for 2 years for all the stress in her life. So I went no contact for 6 months and then after counselling and being on meds to try and get my self esteem and confidence back, flipped her a few emails telling her what she did to me and how I hope she gets the help she needs. Again no contact for 12 months on my part. She pops on Facebook to tear a strip off of me 8 months ago. Then I get an email from her 3 months ago which was automatically deleted as I had her blocked. Then 2 weeks ago I get an email from her at my place of work that was apparently supposed to go to someone else. Then 2 minutes later an oooops sorry wrong email address email from her. I've had hangups on my phone the last month. So Im not sure if these are lame attempts to contact me by her although I would love to know what was in the email she sent me that was deleted. I have been tempted to respond to her or make a lame attempt on my part to contact her. But I have stuck to no contact. I'm stronger now and could deal with most anything she sends my way but given the reason she ended it with me and blaming me for her issues well it will have to be her that makes contact with me. And for god sakes just pick up a phone instead of these games. She may just be afraid. Never the less. I went through hell and I will not bend as hard as it is. I do love her to death still but I will not change my plan. It has to be her that wants to change and if she does call it has to be her that wants it. I have moved on and have my life back but still miss her to death. I know she was "The One" But I cant fix her, she has to want to fix herself and if not. Oh well!

[mijo]

Hey,

How is everything going now? Did you receive a text back from your apology??

That's great that a family member may be moving with you, you must be excited!!

 

I am having a baaad day today. I went out last night with all of my friends and was having a great night until one of my friends said they could see my ex accross the bar. I didn't know what to do, turned round and could see them from the side/back but knew he hadnt seen me. My other friend then said he had just looked round and seen her so may assume I am there too. I panicked and didn't know what to do, I wanted to go over and talk but didn't know how to. I ended up going to the toilet to calm down and then when I came back down he had gone! I was really really gutted because I so wanted to go and talk to him (the last time I saw him everything was fine and he was lying in bed so thought it might help to see him and be normal but not together) plus I was really dressed up and out having fun so thought it would have been a good first meeting. I tried to forget it and then ended up breaking NC! I sent him a text saying "were you just in (name of bar), my friend thought she saw you. Have a good nightx" and he replied "Yeh I was x Come to (name of club) x". I just replied saying everyone wanted to go somewhere else.

 

I tried to forget about it and then only found out a couple of hours later that as he was leaving when I was in the toilet he had had to walk past my group of friends and gone and spoken to 2 of them! He had apparently asked if I was there and how I was doing. My friend told him I was just in the toilets, but yeh I was doing great and we were all having a wicked night. The he asked after my housemate (who he has been friends with for yours, but also not spoken to since we split), and then he said we should all go to the club he was going to.

This just made me feel so bad! I just wish he hadn't known we were there. I just keep saying to myself that he obviously doesn't care at all as he knew I was there, he could have waited to see me. I've just been so upset today, I really wish he hadn't been there and I wish I hadn't text him. Even more than that though I just wish I'd been grown up enough to go over there and talk to him, I hate the fact that this has proven to me that despite everything I'm not over him at all!

[Martyrdom]

I was grocery shopping with my mom, the few times that happens where I come along, and I see her and her new BF and some friends "hanging out" at Krogers. Lol what a cool hang out spot...not really. About 40 minutes later she messages me "Are you ok or "Having fun : /?" I forgot what. I just sent back "?", and she sent something else back...forgot what. That ruined my day.

[zrehman]

I was grocery shopping with my mom, the few times that happens where I come along, and I see her and her new BF and some friends "hanging out" at Krogers. Lol what a cool hang out spot...not really. About 40 minutes later she messages me "Are you ok or "Having fun : /?" I forgot what. I just sent back "?", and she sent something else back...forgot what. That ruined my day.

 

Why are you still in contact with her? I know it must be hard seeing her and her new BF, but why do you contact her back when she messages you?

[ouchh]

Hey,

How is everything going now? Did you receive a text back from your apology??

That's great that a family member may be moving with you, you must be excited!!

 

I am having a baaad day today.

 

 

Mijo,

 

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. I do think however that your going out with your friends was great. You may have started him wondering now, ' Why isn't she miserable?" you have an advantage that I don't. Unfortunately I did not receive an answer to the apology text. Oh well, I will have to move on with my plan. I am starting a new workout routine that is meant to better define my curves and get them nice and taut. If I ever do run into him again I want to be at my best and let him know by my appearance that just because he was the one that ended it, I did not roll over and perish.

 

mijo, Martyrdom, zrehman & all that can give me a glimmer of hope,

 

Yesterday was very bad. I went Christmas shopping with a girlfriend. We ended up going to all the stores he used to take me shopping. I went from good to bad in a matter of seconds! I remembered our shopping trips and how he always held my hand or if I was looking at a particular item and couldn't hold his hand he would put his arms around me or a hand on the small of my back........UGH! He was always holding me in one form or another he would always give me small kisses on my neck or hands. All of that came rushing back when I was shopping. I felt like someone was squeezing my heart.

 

I finally cried the other night. I hadn't cried since the break up but only because I dont know what good it will do for me. I hate to say it, but I miss him terribly. I shouldn't feel this way, what signs has he given me that he did care or still does? None! I wish I could just forget about him. The worst part about it is that no matter what I have done lately something always reminds me of him. I tried changing radio channels because one of our favorite songs came on, when I did the next channel had it on. And if that wasn't enough all other channels had at least one song on that we both loved. I ended up turning it off and getting angry. I feel a deperate anxiety and just want to be able to stop thinking about him but it is as if some higher power will not let me just forget. I don't want to hate him but I fear that this is where my feelings are leading.

 

What do I do? I was so positve about this whole thing then in that small instant when I realized I had sent him the text and not my friend it all turned around..........

[UCLAMike]

SuperDave sounds like you are really happy after your break up... You must be doing well in getting back with her. What if she never calls me after me doing all that NC? Theres something weird about me, I just don't want to forget about her, it's not that I can't but I just don't want to. She's really better than other girls (my opinion).

 

every guy thinks this as I do. Tell yourself this, "she has broken up with me. What she does is no longer my business and I will not cross the line thinking about what she is doing. Let the pain ride. Dont deny it. Have courage and stick through it. NC is for your self evaluation. If she wants to come join in on your venture, so be it. If not, know that life has a funny way of crossing path with just the right people you were looking for.

[mijo]

Oh I am really sorry to hear about that, that's the worst when it hits you afterwards. At least you know you have apologized for the text and now there is nothing more you can say. The best is to stick to no contact and see what happens when you do eventually speak to him.

 

I know exactly what you mean about being reminded of them when doing things like shopping. My ex lived out of the city so we would spend most of our time together at my place so everything reminds me of him, the pub we went to for our first date, the first place we met, cafes, shops etc. It's hard but I guess we have to make new memories in these places. I have even started walking a new way to work as the old way reminds me of when I used to chat to him on the phone on my way home...ridiculous really.

 

As for not wanting to miss him I know exactly how you feel. I had convinced myself in the last week that I was fine with this, that it was for the best we'd never work etc, and that maybe in the new year we could meet up to chat and go for a friendly drink. I convinced myself that when I saw him again I'd remember what had made it fall apart etc, but then when I saw him accross the bar on saturday I felt like i'd been hit by something. I didn't remember all the things that made it fall apart, I remembered all the reasons I wanted to be with him, it was awful not knowing whether to say hi or not. It just made me realise I'm obviously not over him. I SO wish I had gone over and spoken to him but I can't change that now. He had gone for drinks after work and all I kept thinking was if we were still together he'd be coming here to meet me and our friends now, and instead he's just a guy accross the bar that I can't bring myself to talk to because I'll choke.

 

argh.

[UCLAMike]

Dave could I get some advice here please?

 

So after a year of dating my gf dumped me because she wasn't getting the emotional support she needed. I am the type of an overachiever who has to be the best in everything he does. Consequently, when something doesn't work out, my self-esteem and confidence gets shredded to pieces and I begin to withdraw myself from everyone in disappointment. While I was preparing for the LSAT, I was really stressed and disappointed at the lack of progress I was making. I was so bent on going to a top law school that it became my obsession. Consequently, my ex told me I texted her less and less, called her less and less, and told her that i love her less and less. After few months of this she said she feels terrible being with me and left me for another guy. I tried so many different tactics and it just backfired on me. She thinks I am being manipulative and using cheap tactics, like make excuses and use jealousy.

 

I now realized what happened but she is already with another guy. I realized what my mistakes were and that even though I can fix my mistakes now it is too late. She refuses to talk to me as she said it's still too painful to talk to me. It's been 5 months. Do I just go NC and wait it out? Move on? Give up on her? Will she ever call me again?

[metalawag]

Dave and Friends,

 

I have read nearly all 182 pages of this thread over the past two weeks. I have been dealing with a situation of my own and would really appreciate some guidance. I had previously heard about NC and its effects on both the dumpee and dumped.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me in September saying that she needed time and space to figure out what she really wanted. That her biological clock is ticking and im not doing anything about it. She is 32 and really wants babies and to be married and we have always discussed marriage and kids and knew that we would do that together. I guess I got side tracked and took my time and never got around to getting that ring and getting the process started. I guess being 28 and a little younger I wasnt so sure I was ready. After the breakup I made the mistakes of calling her, pleading and contacting her too much. After a few days I stopped contact all together unless it was needed. (Pick up my things, change my address, bills...etc.) About a month of no contact went past and I contacted her and she said its too soon still. So I decided it was over and began to really move on and try to not think about her.

 

One day in early November after not talking a couple weeks my appendix burst and I nearly died. She called me almost everyday for weeks to check on me and see how im doing and even visited in the hospital. After I was out she would still call twice a week to check on me. I made it clear I was completely healthy again, running, working out, going to work, and all. I basically wanted to take her excuse of "checking on me" away. She would still call until finally she asked me out. She asked if I wanted to go give blood with her. This is something she is very into doing and I would in the past not do with her because of fear of needles. Anyway after the appendix i was no longer scared of needles. So last Thursday we went out and gave blood and then after she asked if I wanted to grab a drink. We hung out for an hour and a half and talked, laughed, flirted, and caught up. I didnt say anything needy and didnt really talk about the past unless she brought something up, and it was only good memories that we talked about. The next day (last Friday) she called me and said she had never been so sick in her life. I was at work and offered to bring her soup and medicine but she said she was going to her moms and thank you. I called again after work in the evening to check on her and later that night she texted me back that she was feeling a little better and had slept all day. Sunday I text her and asked if she wanted to go hangout but she had to work on her final that was already late because she had gotten sick and was unable to do it on time.

 

Since then 2 days have gone by and I have gone back to the NC. Am I doing the right thing by going back to the NC? About 2 weeks prior to her asking me out I had sent a letter telling her basically I love her but Im moving on for me and that I know is we sat down and had a heart to heart we could work this out. If she was not up for that then I would be fine and move on. Next thing I know she asked me out but we never talked about any of the issues or our relationship. What should I do now? I know the common response here is NC and I know it works but when is it time to deal with it all? Should I wait for her to initiate another meeting and then discuss it? Please help

[metalawag]

I should also mention that over the last month and a half she has called me about 40 times and I have not called her until this last week to see if she was okay. She asked for time and space and then began to contact me heavily but when we would talk she would ask how im doing and I would tell her. Then I would ask her and would get short responses until we went out to dinner on Friday. She seemed like her normal self, laughing, chatting it up, not holding back. I guess im on the impatient side because I figured after the initial meeting we would start hanging out again all the time like when we first got together. Do I call on Christmas? Do I continue NC and wait for her to make the next move? I know its coming, just not on my time frame I guess. If I really want her back what should I do?

[ouchh]

I started a new workout last night! We'll see how long I can keep it up!

[metalawag]

Ouchh

 

I noticed that when im feeling really down about my breakup, if I drag my * * * * out for a run I get my confidence back and feel good. I guess its something I have to do everyday.

[Martyrdom]

What the hell...her "new" BF sent me a Myspace friend request...decided to look at it before slapping the Deny button...really, looking at her myspace just reminds me of more problems and just pisses me off more. Stupid hoochie.

 

Ugh! What's even worse is that I know she is doing just fine hanging out with her friends, and yes, will probably forget about me. Although it feels good when she tries to call and feels like she wants to talk more, I just give her short answers and get to the point of hanging up. Damn it though, the more I think, the more possibilities open, the dimmer chances look; I hate my unfaltering logic I know this is a side note, but I'm probably not going to my High School Prom either now >_<. although on a side note breaking up with her left me lot of time to just practice guitar...but still : i then remember only took it because and leads even more...>

 

I hope everyone else is in a better situation than myself, and hopefully your relationships will work out!

 

Although listening to music is good too...

"And when you wanted me

I came to you

And when you wanted someone else

I withdrew

And when you asked for light

I set myself on fire

And if I go far away I know

You'll find another slave"

[ouchh]

Ugh! What's even worse is that I know she is doing just fine hanging out with her friends, and yes, will probably forget about me. QUOTE]

 

I know how you are feeling right now, my ex is having the time of his life right now hanging out with his family, what is worse is he came home for a long weekend and brought some of his buddies with him and they went out to the pubs here. I just know that he is going to forget about me, and that I should be ok with it, that is one of the downfalls of the NC... but a big part of me just wishes that I could turn back time. But I know even so there would be nothing I could do to prevent the breakup. arg!

 

If I could just know that he thinks about me, and misses me even just a little...