You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[ladyjp]

Unfortunately, it is an old old game, the one of the hunt. For some reason we all seem to want more what we believe we can't have. When you continue to contact her and let her know she doesn't have to work to have you- she doesn't . I am not convinced that NC makes someone realize they love you but I do believe it lets them know they must get back to basics where in the beginning of the relationship both parties worked hard to be kind and tryed to win one another.

She sounds like she has decided she has you and if she feels like it will take you back if and when she wants- all on her terms. You need to stand up for yourself and say why am I allowing this? If she forgets you that easily there is not much of a relationship anyway, in which case you definitely need to forget her. If you leave her alone and let her see you are whole without her she may want you again. The more you do what you are doing the farther away she will go.

[supp11]

You guys are so awesome. I am finally starting to see this. Thank you all.

[redreine]

Something we must remember is that there are always exceptions to every rule.

 

I've found with my ex that NC works. However with this same ex I've also found that having a platonic relationship with him works just as well. I've done both with him, and in both cases he's come back. This time I went NC for a few days and found it absolutely unbearable, so I've resolved to LC. I think the mixture of the two will be just enough to get him to come back.

 

But here's the thing. I want him to come back so that I can tell him it isn't able to happen right now. Is that bad of me? I know where we are now is no place to explain to him why I can't be with him, since he hasn't asked to come back. But I know he will come back, it's just how he is.

 

I want to be able to explain to him that his behavior was selfish and immature while he's in the frame of mind to listen and understand that, and to tell him that I really don't think he's in any place to be having a committed relationship to anyone, because he is obviously very afraid of committment. I also want to tell him that if it's meant to be, it will happen, but nothing can happen without changes first on his part.

 

Is this a bad plan?

[ladyjp]

We can't fix anyone. If he isn't in a postion to have the type of relationship you want then move on. I know you want your pride and self esteem to prosper from putting him in his place but it is only prolonging the pain. If you are doing this to get the upper hand it is for the wrong reason. If you want him back fine but if he comes back and leaves and this is a pattern you are only trying to fix someone that isn't ready to be fixed.

Let him go and decide if this is the really the type of person you want in your life.

[supp11]

redreine- why do u say that it can't happen right now? you seem and sound like my ex. she said the exact same thing to me, and she also knows I will come back to her because I broke up with her then returned about 5 times so maybe you can give me some insight? : )

[redreine]

redreine- why do u say that it can't happen right now? you seem and sound like my ex. she said the exact same thing to me, and she also knows I will come back to her because I broke up with her then returned about 5 times so maybe you can give me some insight? : )

 

I say it can't happen right now because the fact that my ex was constantly leaving me while at the same time claiming to want to spend the rest of his life with me shows that he is in no way ready for the committment I was ready to give him.

[UCLAMike]

This thread really should be moved to the reconciliation section. Giving a lot of new heart breaks a lot of false hope.

[aglaia]

Hi UCLAMike and Superdave and everyone else, can you give me some advice?

I'm not sure what to do. He broke up with me three weeks ago because he had been unhappy for the last six months -- we had been together for 2.5 years. I'm 28, he's 30. I know it was my fault because I became unsure of myself, insecure about things in my life and shut him out a lot. we had not been communicating emotionally in a long while and he could not take it. I had been so pessimistic and had no interest in things like trying new things, going on vacations.. But when he broke up, it was a wake up call and when we talked that final time, i poured out my feelings and was really honest with him about why I had done what I did and i took full responsibility for my actions. I know and knew that he had been unhappy for a while and I told him as much. He said if only I had said all this stuff earlier... and asked what I wanted to do... I said let's take a three month break so I can put myself back together and see where we are next. he agreed. Also told him I won't be able to stay friends in the mean time because it would hurt too much being around him. He said he understood.

 

I really believe that NC or LC will help me to move on and heal. In the last few weeks i've really examined my life and what i need to do to get myself out of this rut. It's not just about the relationship but my entire outlook on what i want in life. I have not contacted him but he has once -- via email -- to update me on some minor things. Not to be rude, I have replied but kept it casual and friendly.

 

He also sent me an email to wish me happy birthday a few days ago and I let it lie for one day before texting him to thank him. He then said he hoped I had a good day and I replied saying I had a great day, which I did. I also told him I was going on holiday end of this month and I was really looking forward to it.... --> not sure if this was wise?

He did not reply after that.

 

On the one hand I want to show him that I know what I need to do to pick myself up and that is staying positive and changing my whole outlook, on the other I want to let him know that I still love him and I still want us to work out. how can I show him that I'm starting to change and I'm now moving forward if I maintain NC? we have no mutual friends that he can hear back news about me from.

[longdist]

aglaia, it sounds like I'm in the same boat. My relationship was very very similar. So I would also appreciate any advice. I think NC/LC is the way to go for now. I think until you make changes in your life, it will not work. He doesn't need to know that you are making the changes. I suggest making them, and then down the road, meet up and hopefully you will be the person you want to come and it will show. That's my current plan for myself. My ex told me that she is also making changes in her life. We'll see if that is true when we met up somewhere far down the road. Granted, I'm not sure why she bothered telling me b/c she is currently not interested in giving this a second chance, so it only means that she'll be a better gf to someone else.

[aglaia]

thanks longdist for your input. I had already decided not to worry too much about him because I really need to do some work to get back to being the me I'm proud of and love. But then I've read some conflicting advice that because we are the primary causes of what went wrong, we should try and maintain some contact with our ex to show them that we are taking responsibility for our actions and not running away from them --- since in this case my problem was not communicating well with him, what will he think if i do complete NC? that i'm even more adamant about shutting myself away from him and persist on not being honest?

 

That said however I did tell him that I couldn't be around him for a while, and he did say he understood.

 

You will probably tell me to stop worrying about him and focus on myself. sometimes I really understand this concept and I feel strong and empowered. other times the fear just grabs my heart and makes me shake and I feel so despondent. I'm trying to focus on all the positives... i know this break up was needed because it would have gotten out of control otherwise and the damage would be worse. i've also had many friends reaching out to me to tell me how happy they are that i've decided to change my life, and i'm happy to reconnect with these people again. it just hurts that the person who's my best friend and companion is not around to help me out of this...

[ladyjp]

Hey Mike,

Five weeks of NC,some contact, lunch this week and talk of getting back together. Only on Tuesday when we had lunch and I asked him about someone I had heard he was seeing he said that he wasn't going to stop seeing her. He said he had let me get too much in his head and the constant break ups and his getting too attached to me was messing with him and he couldn't let that happen again. Said he still cared and loved me but wasn't going to be exclusive with me because it wrecked him last time. I told him I could not, would not see him if he was seeing her and I thought we had agreed to move on since he knew where I stood and I new where he did. That was Wednesday and not today he texts me Happy Valentines Day. I didn't respond but what am I supposed to think? He just told me about someone else. What can I possibly say or do after that

[ladyjp]

resent because of typo

 

Hey Mike,

Five weeks of NC,some contact, lunch this week and talk of getting back together. Only on Tuesday when we had lunch and I asked him about someone I had heard he was seeing he said that he wasn't going to stop seeing her. He said he had let me get too much in his head and the constant break ups and his getting too attached to me was messing with him and he couldn't let that happen again. Said he still cared and loved me but wasn't going to be exclusive with me because it wrecked him last time. I told him I could not, would not see him if he was seeing her and I thought we had agreed to move on since he knew where I stood and I new where he did. That was Wednesday and now today he texts me Happy Valentines Day. I didn't respond but what am I supposed to think? He just told me about someone else. What can I possibly say or do after that

__________________

[longdist]

aglaia,

 

I do feel the same way. I had the same communication problems and am think the breakup was the right decision. Although, I wish I could have tried to work on things while we were still together. I had started to try, but it was too little too late. I had let my ex know that I was planning to change. I was happy to get that message accross. Words only mean so much though. Actions are what counts, and they have to be long term actions. Things may change in the coming months, where you may start reverting back to your old self, so I think it is good to have the time off and then show the changes when they are more solidified.

 

I definitely feel your fear about lack of communication being magnified with NC. However, on the other side of the coin, if you wait awhile and get back into contact. Both of you may be better at communicating. It shouldn't matter if you prove it now or then. I'm sure you already expressed what you needed to, so I would say take some time now and wait.

 

Take my advice with a grain of salt, b/c I have no idea if this will work at getting my relationship back. If nothing else it should help me through this rough time, and I would imagine it would do the same for you. If anyone has advice that has been here before, please feel free to share.

[GhettyGreen]

I need some advice....

 

I met my ex in Tokyo. We bonded so well. I'm from North America and she's from Europe. She had to return to her homeland and I made a huge effort to come visit her three times in one year. Each visit being over a month. I spent my entire summer in her country. We've been together for two years until a couple of weeks ago. She said that she didnt feel like she was ready to make any plans with someone right now. I've ignored her for about a week until last night. I think she started to get fed up with me ignoring her every chance to contact me by skype and email. I mailed her that it is in my best interest to not contact her and that just because i havent been replying to her emails doesnt mean that i dont care about her because i do. did i make a mistake by telling her this?

 

My contract for my job in Japan ends next month and I was planning to move to her country to be with her. before she was cool with it...now she says it would be a bad idea.

 

she told me to not visit unless i asked her. everytime i asked its been a no...cant see her. says it would be too hard on her.

 

plan on going no contact for the time being.

 

also thought about traveling accross asia and surprise her at her place within the next couple of months.

 

long distance relationships are rough. but i'm a believer. its possible that things could work out and i'll see her again in the future.

[wolf22]

Dave, thank you for this post...

 

i am 4 days out after she dumped me/ wanted break? i, like a fool, wrote her an email the next day. of course she replied that we should not talk and that "at some point we can talk again, but i just need some time. i think its a good idea if we dont talk right now". very short and emotionless. i wrote this because i am a ff and we had a bad situation, and we almost got in trouble. the first person i wanted to talk to was her. my heart was torn out by her and i literally almost died, so i needed her. huge mistake i know.

 

i want to know if i need closure or not. i am of course hoping we can work things out.

 

also like an idiot, we went to a counselor together a week before. so i drove out to the office to see if i could get a referral to talk with someone, on my own about things. as i was leaving, she was pulling in!!!! so maybe thats a new one for people out there.

 

i thought of waiting til next mon and ask her if she wanted to talk next fri, 13 days after breakup. also her bday is the 26th so i dont know what to do in that situation either. all she said was she needed time, so after what you wrote i assume that means i should let her me the one to make contact first?

 

thank you for a great article

[SuperDave71]

Wolf22,

 

 

the best thing you can do at this point is exactly what you said. Give her all the time she needs. Though this is difficult, remember if you do nothing, you can do nothing wrong.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[looking4ward]

Hi SuperDave71,

 

Don't know if there's really anything that can be said for my situation, my story is here:

 

 

 

Basically together 9 years, last 2 long distance, and he left me 2 months ago. Did eveything wrong the first 2 months now strong on the NC the last 3 days. I'm scared the long distance will be a barrier in the future- and he will never want me back He always said it was ok but I feel like it might be problem to starting the relationship again. I'm so lost without him. He has tickets to fly out in March- but probably won't come. I love him so much and am greatful for all your posts. They are keeping me strong

 

-K

[the young son]

Superdave,

 

This is my current situation:

 

 

 

We are still friends and casually talking again now after I gave her some space. My reaction to this is to approach it with extreme caution, but my heart is telling me to override logic and just go for it.

 

What do you think?

[Siberia]

Hi Ghettygreen

 

Have you thought seriously about showing up in her country after 2 months to give her a *surprise*? I'd love to know what others think about that idea..

[rangranger]

Hey SuperDave,

 

First off, thanks a lot for your insight. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that you've been a big help.

 

My situation:

My ex, who I dated for over 8 months, left me about a few weeks ago. Now, she is official with someone new only about a 1-1.5 weeks after breaking up with me. This worries me because although he may be a rebound, I know he is a nice guy and he's got money too. However, he is only a college sophomore who lives in the dorms and she is a super senior.

 

She has been calling and texting me for the past few days. I decided not to answer any of them until today. Basically, she just asked if I was okay, so I sad "I'm fine" and she asked me I was mad, so I sad "No, I'm not mad" and if I was avoiding her, which I also replied "no" to. Then she asked me if I wanted to go with her and a mutual friend to get his haircut (we had planned to get our friend a new hairdoo while we were together) so I told her "maybe" and said I needed to go.

 

Now... my question is, am I better of not going with her? I feel that if I go, I would make it fun for us and maybe that would show what she's missing or something... however, if I don't go, I'm sure she would be pretty down about it, which I'm sure would make her miss me as well.

 

Thanks!

[serpentine]

Question: I freaked out over the first two days and after that, I stopped completely. It hasn't been a full week yet, and I really don't have any urge to contact him. Are things still doomed?

[Imissher]

You know Dave... before I tried your methods I would not have believed a word you said.

 

I tried to fix things with my ex for 3-4 weeks until I just had to stop because things were not working.

 

After trying your method of NC, she was the one who came to me after a couple weeks of NC. Now we've been back together for 2 months.

 

Thanks a lot my friend. Great advice.

[SuperDave71]

You are most welcome Imissher.

 

 

I am glad everything worked out for the best.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[IOME]

Hi, I'm new to this.

 

First of all I want to tell you that I am very happy with all of your stories, they give me the feeling i'm not alone.

And superdave for his enormous motivating answers.

I read them over and over they give me courage and strength and

make me smile.

[IOME]

@ twomonks:

 

It may be hard for you now that he hasn't contacted with you since.

To me it looks like you are both still

living in the past, how good the relationship was before it went "bad".

 

Perhaps it was too soon to see eachother.

 

It doesn't work out to wait for his phonecall,

Call it "false hope".

It makes you lose focus on yourself.

 

You can ask yourself also why he felt guilty breaking up with you,

what was the reason he broke up?