You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[ConfusedA]

Trust me I know exactly how you feel. I felt like I was hit by a car for the first month or so....I couldn't concentrate at work, hardly did anything for myself and barely got out of bed. My ex and I have been talking for the past 5 months and I have been holding on to something that I don't think is going to happen right now or maybe ever. TRUST me if you don't contact them they will be more likely to wonder what you are up to and be surprised by it. When I don't contact my ex I usually hear from him in about a week or so and I know it is because he sees me moving on. I cannot even think about going out with another guy...think about it what could you possibly have to offer another person at this point in time when you are feeling the way you are? It is hard to open up to someone else and it will take time for sure. The last thing you should think about is being with someone else....at least that is what I think. Where are you from? I am from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Just take time for yourself and take up some hobbies if you don't already have one. MIght be hard at first to think about doing anything but crying but try to improve yourself for yourself and it might help! U also have to remember that the person doing the dumping has usually been thinking about doing it for longer than you realize....I know my ex was as there were signs for sure that it wouldn't last. So in a way they have a head start at moving on...sux but I think it is true. Anyway, that is my rant for today. Remember that we have all gone through what you are feeling right now and some of us are still going through it. Just remember to try to maintain your dignity through this all...by going NC. Take care!

[ConfusedA]

Hello thanks for the reply! I am trying to think about myself and doing things for myself but I keep wondering if he will contact me? I mean he always has in the past so I am guessing he will once I return from my holidays. Any strategies at getting through this?

[8atenate]

i'm in puyallup washington. i went nc almost all day and then she called at like 11:58pm....damnit so close. and that really caught me off guard...but i was really happy sounding on the phone! not all gloomy like, it went alright. maybe tomorrow will be NC.

 

you're right ana said she has had feelings of dumping me for 4 months prior to actually dumping me. she said she was trying not to hurt my feelings. what's up

[8atenate]

i'm really quite horrible in the mornings...i wake up all emotional and sad...i think i have dreams about her and well that just drives me crazy...what can i do about this?

[ConfusedA]

I know how you feel. I was the same way...I didn't even want to shower. Honestly, for me it was time that made me feel better....a little better. I used to wake up every morning crying....it stopped because I have some contact with my ex but it seems to be only on his terms. If I hear from him and he wants to see me we do. But then I don't hear from him for 4/5 days or so sometimes longer. The way he acts makes me realize that it is most likely over. I find that if I just leave him alone all week he contacts me at some point on the weekend because he hasn't heard from me all week. Its true....if you don't do anything you can't screw anything up. There are no guarantees but if you don't contact them I guarantee they are wondering what you are up to. When I see my ex he has all these questions for me like what I have been doing ect. Just hang in there and talk to friends/family as much as possible. Try to be around family as well and not be alone. Take care and keep us updated!

[Marton04]

I think the NC method wouldn't work if the guy doesn't want to even get back with you or if they're too stubborn and proud to contact you being as that's what I think my ex would or rather wouldn't do. I'm on 4 days NC now and while I was hoping he would miss me or think about me with no NC - i've just come to the realisation that he probably won't. My sister said he has already given up on the relationship so why would he contact me?

[yankeefan74]

Well, not having any contact allows you to heal. It probably doesn't feel like that right now, but I can tell you that seeing your ex would be much harder. you would be analyzing every word, every phrase...every look he gave you...it would take you much longer to move on. Perhaps that's not the goal right now, but gaining independence emotionally from your ex can pull them back as well. I think that's a big part of this thread.

 

Most people I know of that got back together with someone have discovered that about the time they have let go for good, the ex starts sniffing around again with purpose. Not just to say hello, but to feel you out in terms of dating again.

 

This obviously doesn't happen in every relationship. A lot of times, people break up and never speak to one another again unless they run into each other by accident...but reconciliations do happen. They will rarely work if the people involved haven't grown in meaningful ways.

[ConfusedA]

Hello I appreciate your post. It totally makes sense. My ex and I are still in contact and I find that when I leave him alone he contacts me to see me or see what I am up to. When I contact him on my own he is very aloof and hard to pin down to even have dinner...he always says ya maybe...if I ask him to do anything.

 

Today was particularly hard because I am going on holidays on Friday and asked him if he wanted to have dinner tonight and he had plans...then I asked him if he wanted to do dinner tomorrow night and he said "could do..."

 

I am going to leave him along but was really hoping he wanted to spend time with me before I left for holidays.

 

Any suggestions as to what else I can do to get him off my mind?

[yankeefan74]

are you going on vacation with friends? Seems like a perfect way to try and forget about things for a while.

[ConfusedA]

I am going to see my family (mom and dad). Ya but I will still think of wanting to see him when I am back....

[ConfusedA]

I am just having a super bad day because of his emails.....he is still responding to my emails but acts like he doesn't care. Then the second i act like I don't care he starts contacting me. It feels like a game. He knows I want to get back together..and maybe even date for starters...he doesn't even want to say we are dating. He asks me " what exactly do you man by dating". I say doing everything we are doing but with a bit of a commitment...I feel like my mind is going crazy today with thoughts of him and why he acts like he doesn't care.

[yankeefan74]

You're never going to be able to figure everything out. He wouldn't have the answers you want either.

 

I know it's difficult, but i would use the vacation as an opportunity to not be in contact with him.

[ConfusedA]

Ya it is tough. when I ask him about getting back together he gets mad at me. I just need to relax today........maybe go shopping.

How long has it been since you and your ex broke up? Who broke up with who?

[8atenate]

ok here it goes. i got a call from her and i just got told. i mean i got my ego crushed with the cold hard truth. here's what went down i just had to know what happened between us and she says that she's been out of love with me for a long time, that she doesn't like having sex and she crys afterwards, she wants another guy to make her feel like butterflies in her stomach, i'm around her too much, she wants to have sex with other guys (i'm her first).

 

holy crap. i was holding on to a little bit of hope that we'd get back together but o * * * * no. not anymore. i mean now i know that it's done. done, cut off, never again.

 

efeafweagh;ahgakejrhgajf;awerja;hga/

 

thank jesus i have a counseling appointment tomorrow.

[8atenate]

ok really part of the reason i'm so upset is that she's like "i'm really enjoying my me time and being single and i get to drink wine coolers and hang out with every guy i like" she is already over this * * * * ...it's like what happened? are you kidding? my ego and my feelings are so hurt right now and you are chilling with dudes drinking wine coolers...

 

sorry i just have to get this off my chest...vent a little...i know she's actually been hurting for a lot longer than i have...you know. whatever.

[yankeefan74]

Ya it is tough. when I ask him about getting back together he gets mad at me. I just need to relax today........maybe go shopping.

How long has it been since you and your ex broke up? Who broke up with who?

 

We've been broken up about 5 weeks. She's with somebody else...and they're apparently just as happy as she's ever been...at least, that's what she felt she needed to tell me. lol.

 

We were together for 13 months, and though there were ups and downs, we never actually broke up. We worked through some little things here and there, and i honestly thought we were getting along the way we used to as the month of June (the month we got together in the previous summer) ended. She stayed with me all weekend June 27th-29th. We had a great weekend...she called me an hour after she left on that sunday to tell me she missed me already...we should start thinking about where we could go this summer for a little trip...two days later, she dumped me. yippee.

 

I have my good days, and my bad days. But she has kissed me several times since the "breakup"...she has held my hand, told me she still loves me, still is attracted to me...still wants to "spend time together"...hates the idea of me with someone else...and i ate up every single part of those things. Thought they were all good signs. At one point, she told me she was torn - and a part of her really wanted to come back...she wanted to marry me and buy a house with me...but they were just words.

 

The kisses, the handholding, the hugs, the flirting - those are her actions. And what it told me was that she still has those feelings for me, but for whatever reason - probably infatuation with the new guy - she won't come back. And the more i pursued her, the less chance she'd come back. She enjoyed the compliments i was giving her, and she enjoyed the fact that i still wanted her, i'm sure...but i still made it even easier for her to run to the other guy.

 

So again, i have some fresh experience with all this, and i think your best bet is to not contact him. If he contacts you, then you can talk, but i wouldn't bring up the idea of getting back together...or your relationship at all, really. Talk about other things, if he wants to bring those things up...tell him you're done living in the past, you're concerned with your future...and looking forward to finding someone who wants to walk into that future with you.

[CIJAS]

Hi Dave : I am very impressed by the wealth of knowledge and advice that I have read on this site. I like a lot of people here have recently broken up with a loved one and I so want to reconcile with her . I am 53 and she is 47 and we had a good relationship for 10 months . We met online and hit it off and spent every weekend together plus often 1or 2 nights during the week. Due to the fact that she commuted 3 hours to and from work I right at the get go made it clear that I would do most of the travelling to her ( she lives about an hour from my home ) . We only had two diagreements the wholw time together and we were on the same page with a lot of things and we were both interested in long term.

Well we were great and then we had a disasterous weekend . It started well enough with me going to her home on a Friday evening which was normal . She woke before me and took a phone call . She came back to bed and informed me that 3 young women from her small community were killed in a tragic motor vehicle accident . My gf and son knew these women well . Needless to say she was in a state of shock and I spent the day doing all I could to be there for her and to help with what ever I could . For my gf and I our problem started when we awoke next morning. We talked for a minute or two and then she asked me "to make love to her" , and I unthinkingly said " do you think that is appropriate" . Well she exploded and jumped out of bed and told me what an incensitive s.o.b. I was . I took real exception to this as I had been bending over backwards the day before ( and indeed our whole time together ) to be sesitive to her needs and to be an asset to her. We had angry words for each other and I was trying to explain that I wasn't insensitive but that as she was " in such mourning the day before that was the last thing I thought she would want" ( I do understand that what she was really saying was I need to feel loved , safe and nurtured ) . We didn't properly talk it out and resolve things right then and there , and we both felt unfairly treated by each other . We both felt miserable after that . I went to church but couldn't stop feeling angry about her being so mad at me . She prepared some food for the family's that lost their girls and was suppose to deliver the food along with her exhusband while I was away ( I have met her ex before and we were always on good terms and considerate towards each other ) . When I returned they still had not departed to visit the familys and this is where the next problem arose . She was expecting her father ( whom I have never met or spoken to ) from out of town and his wife that afternoon and I asked her " what about your Dad ?" She told me I was to stay back and entertain them until she returned later in the afternoon. Well I was very unhappy about this but due to the mornings incident I didn't say anything .... that was a mistake. I waited several hours by myself and nobody showed . I was now really ticked and resentful about how I had been treated and then I decided I couldn't be there so I left without leaving any kind of message . I got a phone call later and we were both had harsh words for each other.

During the whole time together we always spoke , e-mailed or saw each other every day . For the first time ever we went 5 days with out speaking . When I did call her she told me that I had let her down on an intimate, emotional and physical level and that she didn't want to see me anymore . I was crushed to say the least . I pleaded with her and appologised profusely for my actions . I tried to explain to her what I was feeling and what was going through my mind , but she would give no quarter on it . She told me she need someone " she could count on " . I felt she was still very angry and that she might reconsider so I let her be for another week . Then she contacted me and wanted to give me back some of my possecions that were still at her place . She again told me that she didn't have any love or forgiveness for me right then and that she wanted closure . I was again really hurt by this . When we met several days later I had pulled myself together and I had now come accross e-notalone and started reading the thread . When we met I was determined that no matter what I was going to act strong and dignified with the intention of leaving as good an impression as I could . As things went we spent a great couple of hours together .We didn't speak much at all about the relationship but rather about everything else going on in our worlds .We had dinner together share a bit of each others meal and had lots of karma flowing between us . When it came time to part we hugged and kissed and talked some more . I talked about the fact that we had often spoke about getting out on the Harley ( we both like motorcycles ) and we had not done that . She said that she would " like that very much , and that she would give me a call and we would do that "

We each said that we loved the other and that we didn't know what the future held for each other . I felt though she intended to fallow through with the breakup and I told her that as far as I was concerned " the door was still open " and that if she ever wondered what I thought of her , to never be afraid to " give me a call ". We both left smiling and I felt that I had done about all I could do . I carried myself well and conducted myself with dignity and a loving heart.

I did e-mail her the next day and told her how nice it was to see her again . She wrote back that she too had a really nice time too. She also said to me that " she felt her walls came down about me , and that she was starting to feel the forgiveness that I had been asking for " Then she told me that she felt that my lack of " self esteem and confidence " were major factors in her decision to move on and that she needed a "confident man" in her life . Then she said again that she would give me a call and we would go for that ride on the motorcycle . That hurt .

I went strict "no contact" and have been for 6 weeks now . She has since sent me 5 "chain letters" all with diffrent distribution lists so she deliberately added me to each one so she knew that she was sending them to me ( I often responded to her sending me nice chain letters in the past ) . I feel this is her way of saying hi and that she still thinksof me without being direct. I never responded to any of them .

This woman has had a difficult life ,and I know her to be a proud person who will not allow herself to feel humbled , or humiliated , yet I know she does have a vulnerable side and often masks that with an air of confidence .

My concern Dave is that I really want to reconcile , and to be together at some point . I feel I need to extend a small " hi how are you" in order make it easier for her to get back in touch ( even though "the ball was left in her court" ). She does know full well how much she means to me , and that I do want to reconcile , but I'm afraid that her pride and ego will prevent her from contacting me because , she might appear that she is backtracking . I so want to do the right thing with regards to having a reconciliation with this woman that I love . What are your thoughts Dave about the best avenue towards getting us re connected ? I'd appreciate any insight you may have and I look forward to your reply.

[SuperDave71]

Hey there CIJAS. Thank you for the compliment. Is there any way you could breakup your post a bit so I can read it better? I will be more than happy to respond.

 

 

Thanks again!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Steve 7745]

The elusive SuperDave71. He's real and not just a myth!

[TallOne]

Thanks SuperDave71! Great post and couldnt have come at a better time for me. I am just starting NC. I do not intend on making any contact and am trying with all my will to be strong.

 

I think you make an important point in your post, that sometimes doing nothing is more the more powerful tool.

 

I had already started pulling back a couple days ago, preparing for nc. I was barraged by calls, texts, chats, voice messages.

 

I have changed her ringtone to something simple and easily ignored. I have set the phone to ignore her texts, and no longer log into "our" email account to check for messages.

 

I can totally identify with your point about good ideas going bad. Some of the best intentions are easily misconstrued as manipulation, hate, or some other emotion completely opposite from where the thought was originally conceived.

 

Best of luck to all the heartbroken. Take what solace you can in the thought that the flaws of your ex will cause as many if not more problems in their new relationship. It is amazing how so many people are willing to overlook their partners issues and embrace a doomed relationship. Take whatever time you have and work on yourself, it is the sure fire way to get what you want in the long run.

[ConfusedA]

are you going on vacation with friends? Seems like a perfect way to try and forget about things for a while.

SO I am back from vacation. It was good (except for the following).

 

Before I left I arranged a ride home from the airport but also asked my ex if he could pick me up and he said to contact him later in the week. So I did. He told me he couldn't pick me up. I asked him if we could have dinner on Saturday. He said he wasn't going to be able to and that we needed to talk when I got back into town. I asked him if he met someone he said no....I asked him if he was moving h said no. I mean why even tell me we need to talk because now this was the only thing I was thinking of. He said "do you really want to do this on texts"?.

 

Then before I could say no he dropped the BOMB. He said " I really want to move on with my life". Then I acted completely desperate and told him I really wanted to give things another chance. He said " Can't you just respect what I am saying". He said he wasn't going to email me anymore. He never said take care, good luck to you NOTHING. My last email to him was "I hope you all the best, I wish things were different". Or something like that.

 

He said that he thought that I would pick up on his lack of interest and that he wouldn't have had to say anything. I did notice this but chose to ignore it. Most of the time when we would see each other was when he contacted me anyway because it was convenient to him.

 

I am totally heartbroken. Most of my family/friends said that he wouldn't get back together with me because he left and moved out 5 months ago. So basically I think in the end we were just sleeping together.

 

His last email to me was "I don't want to have sex with you I want to move on with my life, this is my last email to you". Funny....we had sex the week before and he was fine with it.

 

I really wish that we could have done this when I got back from holidays this way I could have at least seen him. I feel like the trash that he just took out. I mean why wouldn't he even say take care or anything at all to show he had some kind of feelings towards me? How does this happen?

 

Anyway, the only good thing about this....and it is hard for me to use the word good in this situation is that I now know he is NEVER coming back. All my friends tell me he will contact me ect. but I don't know.

 

Any insight or advice in regards to this are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks so much. I am devastated right now and hurt and really miss him and want to see him.

[ConfusedA]

Hey I posted a message below to what is currently happening with me..was supposed to be posted in response to your last mssg to me. If you could have a look that would be appreciated!

[yankeefan74]

He said that he thought that I would pick up on his lack of interest and that he wouldn't have had to say anything.

 

Well, that tells you a lot about him right there.

 

I know that you are hurting, but from what you describe, you're obviously going to better off. Might be a while until you feel that way, but i think eventually you will.

 

I think a lot of us understand your feelings of hurt, devastation, etc. You're certainly not alone, and i would encourage you to talk about this with anyone will...and let yourself feel all of the things you're inevitably going to feel...

 

I know it seems like he doesn't care - perhaps he's too immature to know how to show you he does care without leading you on, perhaps he feels in HIS mind he's been clear and you haven't taken the hint - but it does not take a lot to say "I know how you feel about me, but I don't have the same feelings for you. I care about you, and you deserve to be with someone that can reciprocate those feelings."

 

I am sorry for the pain you're going through. I've been through it recently myself, obviously...but again, there are plenty of people here to talk to that know EXACTLY what you are going through. I hope that provides some comfort.

[ConfusedA]

Thanks! I guess I really want to know if I will ever hear from him. But I know there are no answers to that question.

 

I am also embarrassed that I acted totally desperate. I really wanted him to change his mind. Or at least acted like he cares about me but just can't be with me. He never said take care....NOTHING.

 

Kinda like he took out the trash. Obviously I haven't heard from him since but I am still hurting and wanting him.

 

I don't know. Now he is never going to contact me again.....

 

This whole time he was telling me he didn't want to be in a relationship..but we kept spending time together. I thought he would change his mind.

 

He was kinda a jerk to me just like he was in the relationship while we were spending time together. He has a very sarcastic personality and while we were together say things to me that I found were hurtful and offensive..he always used to tell me I needed to "toughen up" and to be less sensitive.

 

I dunno..just feeling like a total looser psycho ex girlfriend right now....

[ConfusedA]

by the way we are both 29 years old