You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[ouchh]

mijo,

 

I know it is a very vicious cycle, I have been there many times this past week and it is only Wednesday! I want to know if he is thinking about me and I found out that he did ask about me. But this little part of me wishes he had called me and asked me. I'm at the angry stage right now which means I am on the horizon of getting better, but I can feel myself slipping backwards when I think about our relationship. Our biggest argument was about the distance. Now that I have come so close, and that gap will close, I don't want to hang on to hope if there is none. I keep telling myself that I will make the move and not try to think about it.

[ouchh]

Martyrdom,

 

It will be a love/hate thing for a while. You may want to thank her for introducing you to her bf. It will throw her off a little. Don't let her get to you, she may think that she is doing you some good. whatever you do don't let her know what you are thinking or how you are feelling. Try to make some friends of your own or get in touch with someone you haven't talked to in a while. In the meantime try this- I wrote an anger letter (the letter you write your ex to tell them how you are feeling but you never mail to them and once you've read it you shred it) I told him everything that I had been feeling and the pain that it put me through. I read it and I must admit it was a very strongly worded letter, but I found that I felt better. I was also a little embarrassed at myself, but through not sending the letter and not telling him directly I saved face, and held on to my dignity. Try it, let me know how it works for you. You may find that there are more issues than what you originally believed. Remember shred it once you are done, this act may give you a sense of freedom.

[mijo]

mijo,

 

I know it is a very vicious cycle, I have been there many times this past week and it is only Wednesday! I want to know if he is thinking about me and I found out that he did ask about me. But this little part of me wishes he had called me and asked me. I'm at the angry stage right now which means I am on the horizon of getting better, but I can feel myself slipping backwards when I think about our relationship. Our biggest argument was about the distance. Now that I have come so close, and that gap will close, I don't want to hang on to hope if there is none. I keep telling myself that I will make the move and not try to think about it.

 

 

It must be hard to think that one of the main reasons you broke up will now be resolved but you don't know if it will make any difference. I admire you for being strong and making the move, a lot of people couldn't do that. At least he knows you are going for work and not just for him.

I tend to vary day by day really. I had a really good day on Monday, I think maybe because you feel a bit of power when they text you and you don't reply but then it comes to the days where I heard nothing and then I slip back into being upset. I do feel that I have progressed though. It's just going to be hard not to wish him a merry christmas!

[Martyrdom]

Haha, I actually thought about writing a series of "unsent" letters, like a day by day diary, of how I am directed towards her. Seems it IS a good idea then.

 

Thank you, It'll be rough >_

[ouchh]

Haha, I actually thought about writing a series of "unsent" letters, like a day by day diary, of how I am directed towards her. Seems it IS a good idea then.

 

Thank you, It'll be rough >_

 

Believe me I've been thinking the same thing about Christmas, I think many of us have. As for the letters it is a good idea but remember you want to get rid of them once you are finished its part of the healing process

[Martyrdom]

Believe me I've been thinking the same thing about Christmas, I think many of us have. As for the letters it is a good idea but remember you want to get rid of them once you are finished its part of the healing process

 

Get rid of them? Ok I guess me and my pal' Kurt Cobain will get through the boring times. Serve the Servants!

[catfish1199]

Dave,

 

A response from anyone else is very welcome.....

 

I am on day 4 of NC. Day 7 if you dont count thank you and youre welcome texts for the birthday flowers I sent and a drunken Miss ya! text from her.

 

First, I would love it if you would take a look at my thread. I received many valuable answers to my questions, but I would like the Master to check it out. But no rush, I know you have quite a few people hunting you down!

 

Here is the link:

 

Now to my question related to NC.....

 

I have an idea to simutaneously make the impact of NC on her more effective and to accelerate my own healing. I want to delete her as a friend on facebook as well as her 2 girl friends who are now her roommates. I will not send her a message before I do it, and Facebook will not alert her to it.

 

However, I do want to send a message to one of her 2 friends that I plan on deleting saying something to this effect....

 

I took Tiffany off of my friends list because I want to disappear from her radar. It doesnt make much sense to take her off and keep you on because I will always see her name. I really miss you guys, and I am sure I will see you around. Maybe we can have a drink one night like old times. I had alot of fun with you.

 

What do you think?

 

It should be noted that I am friends, but not close with her best friends boyfriend and his friends. I see their band play occasionally, but only when I am sure she is not there. That is why I know I will bump into her friend at some point.

[cemlaw]

I don't think you should send the message to the friend because naturally they will tell your ex. NC means NC at all- including speaking of the ex with their friends. Why do you feel the need to delete the ex and her friends from your FB? Leave them be for awhile and just make sure you aren't posting sad, depressing things on your updates. Keep it upbeat and make her wonder WHY you aren't posting the sad, depressing things.

That's the way I am handling FB anyway!

 

7 days no phone contact for me. 4 days since I replied to a text. of course it is also 4 days since he sent one...

I felt up beat today, then angry, and as bedtime draws near... I am sad again. I haven't cried today at least!

[catfish1199]

I just feel like it is sending a more powerful message than just plain NC. It says I dont even want to see what she posts or her name in general while I am in this stage. I am definitely not posting sad stuff, in fact, a rarely post anything at all. I just communicate through PMs.

 

As far as the message. I think it is constructed in a way that if she does tell her, it will be OK, and her knowing why I did it will not be a mystery plus she wont need to message me about why I did it!

 

Thats my rationale anyway.

 

EDIT: I just thought about it and it may have the added bonus of her thinking I dont want her to see me getting messages from other girls. Plus, when I do get those posts from other girls I really dont want her thinking I am trying to make her jealous, that may spark resentment.

[catfish1199]

7 days no phone contact for me. 4 days since I replied to a text. of course it is also 4 days since he sent one...

I felt up beat today, then angry, and as bedtime draws near... I am sad again. I haven't cried today at least!

 

Hang in there. I am in the exact same boat. If there is anything for you two in the future, NC is the ONLY way. I tell myself that everyday. I tell myself that I wouldnt be able to have small talk and I definitely dont want to talk about the realtionship. So any talking would really suck anyway.

[mijo]

With regard to facebook I am finding it hard as we have a lot of mutual friends and we said when we split we would try and stay friends.

Even tho he ended it he has continued to contact me and I have been trying to go NC as I was finding it too hard hearing from him. I ignored 4 text messages from him on Monday then last night I got an IM on facebook saying "hey", I deliberated and ended up writing back "hey how are you?". He went offline straight after and I'm convinced he only sent the message to check up if I was still talking to him...playing ridiculous games.

I was so angry and upset, but now I actually think it's helped me a bit. I think I deserve better than his games, and he should respect me enough to not contact me after we broke up.

I don't want to delete him off facebook as I fear I'll look petty with us having lots of mutual friends etc. Plus I know it will hit him harder to see photos of me out having fun and enjoying myself without him than having me delete him. Maybe one day we'll be able to be friends again and at least if he is left on my FB then I wont have to explain to him why I deleted him.

I know it is different for different people though, and I agree that if you don't have ties to your ex, you don't share the same friendship circle etc then you are indeed best to just delete them and move on.

[judy1111]

judy1111,

 

Have you evre done the NC before?, if so, What were your results with it?

 

Yes, have done NC before and it will gets easier each day.. my previous serious relationship took me a long time to move on because i did not go on NC soon enough.. as soon as i did that, i moved on pretty quickly..

[cemlaw]

I still think it will look like you are putting too much effort into it. She dumped you, yes? If you delete here or contact her friends as you mentioned you look petty and bitter- she's got you! Just re-laxxxx! Leave it alone for awhile. If you delete her now I guarantee in a week or so you will panic that you did delete her and the only way to fix it will be to try and add her again! Trust me, I've been there in the past. Just leave it alone and maybe not even sign in for a few days. Ignore her. By deleting her, you certainly aren't ignoring her are you? That is an overt act on your part.

 

And thanks for the encouraging words! 8 days now... hanging in there. Going home to see the family tomorrow and I think that will be easier- for a few days anyway! 4 weeks tomorrow since the split.

After Christmas I agreed to have lunch with his mother though... worrying a bit about this one.

[Martyrdom]

Haha today was pretty great. She was dying to pick me up from school or talk to me, ( which is rare ), and I just ignored her. > And now that I've started to put my contacts in...I'm better looking than I thought O_O

[ouchh]

Martyrdom,

 

Way to go! Don't go overboard with the ignoring, just don't let her know what you are thinking.

[ouchh]

Mijo,

 

How are you? Been having a hard day. Been trying hard not to call him, so I've called everyone else in my phone. I'm trying to keep determined but today is particulary hard and I cant piece together why.

[Martyrdom]

Ugh. Sometimes I HAVE to call her, and I always know exactly who she's with...her new Boyfriend. If he's so great, how can I ever be in the picture again? Is NC supposed to work as a technique to possibly get together again, or really to distract you in hopes of finding someone else ?

 

It really feels horrible when I know who shes hanging around with or when I just think about her. Makes me just wish I would die... ( I'm aware this option wouldn't solve anything...)

 

She just seems so much happier now, and I doubt this will change by the end of the school year or during Seems choosing colleges won't matter because she'll be lost to me...

[judy1111]

4th day of NC.. today i feel down again.. was ok yesterday.. today woke up feeling like * * * * coz i dreamt about him last night.. He is still back in his hometown and i am really trying hard not to contact him.. not even for Christmas.. i miss him greatly.. everyday i am wondering what he is doing in his hometown and if he is having fun without me.. thoughts that kill me.. :sad:

[heaven66]

I so agree with every little word you wrote!!!!!!!!!

[mijo]

4th day of NC.. today i feel down again.. was ok yesterday.. today woke up feeling like * * * * coz i dreamt about him last night.. He is still back in his hometown and i am really trying hard not to contact him.. not even for Christmas.. i miss him greatly.. everyday i am wondering what he is doing in his hometown and if he is having fun without me.. thoughts that kill me..

 

Hi Judy,

I am the same, yesterday I was good, I felt motivated and didn't want to contact him, I felt like I was really on my way to getting through this. But today I woke up and the first thought that hit me was him, I just wanted him to be there with me. It's probably because it's the weekend and just before Christmas. All I want to do is text and ask him what he's got planned for the holidays.

He hasn't text me since texting me 4 times on Monday which I ignored. I am certain he is probably seeing someone else now, but who knows.

Hopefully the day will get better as it goes on...

[ouchh]

Martyrdom,

 

NC is supposed to be about you. It is supposed to make you stonger and more confident with yourself. It also serves its purpose by getting them to wonder "OK they were blowing my phone up with calls, now I get nothing. I wonder whats going on with them?". I got some advice yesterday that went as follows: If you really want to get back with your ex, you need time to clear your head and become rational again. Then you’ll be able to see where things truly fell apart. You’ll also be able to open real lines of communication when there’s a little time and distance between the two of you... Take it as you will, but it helped me to realize that right now. I need to focus on me more to make myself more desireable to anyone including my ex. I had a setback in the NC so now I'm back at day 1. UGGGHH!!!!!!!!! It happenned unintentionally and I was sooooo embarrased but it happened and there is nothing I can do to correct it except, start NC all over again.... I was so very determined! All I can say is never text your friends while waiting for a green light.

 

mijo,

 

How long did your NC go before he contacted you? I could just wither form my embarrasment!

 

Javagirl,

 

How are you? Any happenings?

[mijo]

What happened with your NC? Sorry to hear about that.

 

We went a week of NC before he started contacting me again, we text back and forth and the past week has been odd. I told him on saturday night I found the situation weird and he asked why and I said because we're not together but keep texting. I haven't text him since then, but on Monday he text me 4 times which I ignored and I suppose I did break NC by tagging him in a photo on facebook on Tuesday, and I had photo comments on FB on wednesday and thursday from him, but have had nothing yet today. So I haven't made any real contact with him since the weekend, today is proving really hard though. I want to text him so much but I just know that I shouldn't. I just really hope I manage to make it through the evening without becoming weak!

I think it's also a case of if he texts me how do I stop myself replying? Altho since I ignored his texts on Monday he hasn't text me since.

argh.

[catfish1199]

I guess I technically broke NC last night, but it was for a good reason. Is this destructive? And I was advised against total NC.......

 

She texted me to ask if I was working at the bar last night. I texted back Yep. A friend of ours had a birthday alot of people she is friends with including her coworkers and her two best friend roommates were in my bar.

I didnt mention her to her roommates but I told one of them that I miss them.

 

One of the girls, who loves me, and is friends with her, but not to the point of telling her any inside info, asked me how I was doing. I said really good, but I had to ask one question. I said basically, "Should I just forget about her? because all Ive heard was that NC was the only way I will heal and its the only way I can have her again anyway."

 

She said, in summary, that total NC isnt the best thing. You cant just forget about her and forget about having something down the road. You can grow apart, but you can grow back together. You just have to be available and open if things start to sprout. You kinda became a different person, and she was dealing with alot of different things. Just focus on yourself and keep her in your heart.

 

Just wanted some thoughts on all of this........

[ouchh]

mijo,

 

I was driving to meet some friends and was stopped at a traffic light and I was in such a hurry that instead of selecting my friends number I accidentally selected his (it was the next one on the list of contacts). To make matters worse, the text if you didn't know who I was talking to or about seemed like I was going to meet someone for a tryst. Either way I sent an apology text for "invading his space" during this NC. I then vowed to myself that I would start NC all over again for myself the countdown remains in force. He will have a certain time period to contact me, before he has lost his chance. I refuse to put my life on the back burner just because someone decided to have cold feet. My only problem now is figuring out what length of time.

 

Any suggestions anyone?

 

P.S. mijo starting to work up excitement over the move again! There has been a new development with regards to that... it appears as though a family member may be moving with me. I can start over and have someone who cares about me (unconditionally) living with me!

[SighSob]

My girlfriend (ex-girlfriend..) dumped me due to the fact that I was not paying enough attention to her...well, actually I was almost paying no attention at all, but you know, you only realize how much you need one thing the second after you lost it.

I never cried in front of her during the whole 2 years and a half we've been together, but when she dumped me stating that she wasn't sure about her feelings for me and that she had sort of an "attraction" for another guy, I did cry a lot begging her to give me another chance. The day after I came with roses and a letter, you know I wanted to show her I really could change (like a couple roses could change anything...) but she never showed any doubt on her decision. What I'm trying to ask is: is NC really a good strategy when the reason your gf dumped you is because it looked like YOU weren't giving a * * * * about the relationship? I know I want my ex back, I know NC's main purpose is not to make your ex miss you but to help you forget about her and move on, yet I still wonder if by NCing her I will lose any chance I may have to get her back....