You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Tshwane]

Are there rules to NC aside from NC? Do people set boundaries with this? Does it need to be announced, or just done?

 

 

no, just do NC.

[odkits]

It took me about a week but I read through all 173 pages of this thread and I'm actually a little disappointed that I'm finished with it for now. I guess I'll have to tackle the 10000+ post NO CONTACT CHALLENGE thread from now on

 

After reading through every post here, I feel it's important for me to say a couple of things. First, SuperDave...you are an incredible human being. You have been the one constant in this thread over the course of three years and you deserve all of the compliments and kind words you receive. You continue to give outstanding advice even after all this time, and without your original post, I would have broken NC probably a hundred times (I'm currently on day 17). Your advice has helped me to stay strong and give her what she says she needs - space. Every day is a struggle, but your support and the support of ENA has helped me to get through it. I honestly believe you deserve to find the woman of your dreams, if you haven't already, and I wish you the best in life.

 

For anyone who has posted or just read through this thread, I think it's interesting to note that pretty much everyone who posted in the first few months or the first year (except for SuperDave, of course) back in 2005 have stopped. Some of the original posters who needed more advice than anyone, OCD comes to mind, haven't even posted on this site in over a year. I like to think it's because they have moved on and no longer need the advice given here. These people were in the exact same boat that you and I are currently in and they went through the same painful emotional toils that we are currently living with on a day-to-day basis. They've felt overwhelmed, desperate, and helpless but eventually they moved on and YOU WILL TOO. If there is one thing this site has given me, it's hope.

 

I've learned, through this site and just life in general, that it's not worth it to waste my time and my thoughts on someone who doesn't want to be with me (I gave that advice to the girl I'm currently having issues with and I've finally started to believe it myself). It may not seem like it at the moment, but life is too short to be anything but happy. I haven't seen this quote on this thread at all, but it had a powerful effect on me and helped me to reconsider a lot about my own situation:

 

"Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option."

 

Many of us have given ourselves fully to our ex-significant other and we deserve the same sort of treatment in return. We don't deserve to have our feelings toyed with and I personally will not let someone do that to me because I deserve better. Regardless of what happens in my life, I will always believe there is someone out there who is right for me and I will eventually find her because I deserve to be happy and so do each and every one of you. I wish you all the best and God Bless.

[homeagain]

i keep reading and re-reading super dave's words. i want so much to be over this, but i want him back with everything. he is pushing to try to be best friends immediately and keeps saying, what we had was toxic, i can't promise you anything in the future, but we have to get back to being friends to see if we can have anything. it's like he flipped a switch and friended me and i'm still reeling and want him back. do people ever get back together like this?

[Robert013]

I have done everything that you have said not to do Superdave but it has only been a few weeks is there any chance that NC will still work or at least have an effect? We were together for seven years so a month apart is nothing, but I did make all the wrong moves.

[isn]

my wife and I are NC. Its been a total of three weeks of pure NC. I have finally been able to do it. She wanted space. Week 1 - NC, until the weekend she called to change phone plans.... Week 2 - NC, until the weekend she called and said she misses me.... Week 3 - NC, I broke and called on the weekend, I said the last few days were hard cuz i missed her a lot, she said that the last few days were hard cuz she missed me too... NC started again....

 

What the heck is going on? Am I being taken for a fool, she wont even speak to the counsellar, and I am seeing her regurarly.

[love_stinks]

isn, what you're doing is not NC. Instead, I believe what you and the Mrs. are in the midst of is considered LC. Though I don't know if that's an abbreviation for Light Contact or Limited Contact. Either way, same difference.

 

When you truly go NC it's way different. You find yourself saying, "Damn, I can't believe it's been a month since we've seen or spoken to each other. What's it going to be like when we devolve into strangers . . . "

 

That's where I am now. It's hard as frick. I wish she'd call me on the weekend and tell me she misses me. Nothing would make me happier.

[isn]

It has been NC in a way, because I was finally able to stop contacting her. As of right now, I will not contact her and the only reason she has been contacting me is because that is something she wanted. I truly did not expect her to call, and for the next call, your guess is as good as mine. I really did not think she would even consider calling me, I was quite surprised. But I am not sure if she will contact me again. Its day to day... But I have to commit to my promise of not contacting her

[love_stinks]

Out of curiosity, isn, who initiated the split with your wife?

[isn]

Well, our relationship was in the pits. We were very self destructive. She was out of town and was not returning my calls as usual, so I text msg'd her saying that she doesnt have place to return to. Well I called her bluff and lost, she took her things and is now with her parents. I didnt mean for that to happen, I just wanted her to talk to me properly on the phone and have enough respect to for me to give me a few seconds of her time and not just always her family. I did use that threat in the past. But so did she.

[love_stinks]

I've learned the hard way, too, you can't call a woman's bluff.

 

They always hold the better hand.

 

Good luck, isn!

[Robert013]

I am on day 2 of no contact. We had plans for halloween that were made before she dumped me. She mentioned she still wanted to go with me during the three weeks i spent in LC, but only as friends of course. I want to stay on no contact but I do not want to hurt her feelings about the Halloween bash we have attended together for the past 3 years. Is it wrong to not let her know that I am not going to bring her when as of right now she still believes I am? I really do not want to contact her.

 

I am under suspicion that she is just using me for the 8 hour round trip ride and a free place to stay at my sister's house. Also she will most likely ruin my night. What to do?

[pace of ace]

Is it ever too late to start doing the right things?

 

I've been broken up from my ex for 8 months and i've made every mistake in the book!!

 

But she still wants me in her life and doesn't wanna lose me!

 

Do i have any hope whatsoever to at least give myself a fighting chance??

[SuperDave71]

It is never too late to improve anything with yourself.

 

Ever...

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Matthew08]

Oh man.. where do I start?

 

Her name is Laura. We dated for 13 months. I'm 22, she's 20. She was my entire life for that year. I never went a couple of hours without hearing from her. We we're as close as any couple of people could be. Of course we had our problems... she was spiritual and looked down on me for not seeing the world the way she did. She actually had friends who told her they could see ghost and aliens walking among us...(I'm not kidding). Well I'm not going to go into everything that was wrong with the relationship, because there was a lot. Stupid fights, our personalities didn't mesh well and so on.

 

We we're happy though. I was the only person in her life she was completely honest with. At least up until she met this other guy. So she basically sabotaged whatever we had, cut all emotional ties with me, and went off to chase this guy.

 

I'm not the kind of person that falls in and out of love easily. Maybe I used to be but every relationship I've had since high school has taken longer and longer to start and less and less hard to get over. It took me a good two months to let myself fall for this girl. Once I get hooked then there's no looking back. She meant everything to me, and now shes gone. I know it's for the best. But I just feel so damaged. Like I'll never be able to invest in another person again. Life sucks, school is more excruciating than ever, huge finals are coming up and I have no will to study. I have no will to do anything. Gee, this sounds like a pity-fest. Maybe that's what I need now.

 

It's been really hard to maintain NC. I had suspicions that something was wrong for a couple of days. Then I found her sending texts to this guy. I put it together and she basically told me it was over. Just like that. Unfortunately we we're on our way to a cottage with some friends for the weekend. There wasn't any turning back and the guy actually showed up! Must have been the worse day of my life. We ended getting back together a little(i love yous, making out). Probably a big mistake. After we got back I tried to talk about it with her(another big mistake). I just say her at a party tonight, it's been 10 days. That guy was there too. It was awkward. I talked to the other guy and walked with him outside for a while. (probably another big mistake). All this resulted in was making me feel like absolute * * * * .

 

I guess I just needed to rant. I don't know how easy all this is to understand. Moral of the story: if you are the dumpee, do not question NC.

[Matthew08]

Oh man.. where do I start?

 

Her name is Laura. We dated for 13 months. I'm 22, she's 20. She was my entire life for that year. I never went a couple of hours without hearing from her. We we're as close as any couple of people could be. Of course we had our problems... she was spiritual and looked down on me for not seeing the world the way she did. She actually had friends who told her they could see ghost and aliens walking among us...(I'm not kidding). Well I'm not going to go into everything that was wrong with the relationship, because there was a lot. Stupid fights, our personalities didn't mesh well and so on.

 

We we're happy though. I was the only person in her life she was completely honest with. At least up until she met this other guy. So she basically sabotaged whatever we had, cut all emotional ties with me, and went off to chase this guy.

 

I'm not the kind of person that falls in and out of love easily. Maybe I used to be but every relationship I've had since high school has taken longer and longer to start and less and less hard to get over. It took me a good two months to let myself fall for this girl. Once I get hooked then there's no looking back. She meant everything to me, and now shes gone. I know it's for the best. But I just feel so damaged. Like I'll never be able to invest in another person again. Life sucks, school is more excruciating than ever, huge finals are coming up and I have no will to study. I have no will to do anything. Gee, this sounds like a pity-fest.

 

It's been really hard to maintain NC. I had suspicions that something was wrong for a couple of days. Then I found her sending texts to this guy. I put it together and she basically told me it was over. Just like that. Unfortunately we we're on our way to a cottage with some friends for the weekend. There wasn't any turning back and the guy actually showed up! Must have been the worse day of my life. We ended getting back together a little(i love yous, making out). Probably a big mistake. After we got back I tried to talk about it with her(another big mistake). I just saw her at a party tonight, it's been 10 days. That guy was there too. It was awkward. I talked to the other guy and walked with him outside for a while. (probably another big mistake). All this resulted in was making me feel like absolute * * * * .

 

I guess I just needed to rant. I don't know how easy all this is to understand. Moral of the story: if you are the dumpee, do not question NC. Just do it. If she'll be taking you back, NC works in your favor. If shes gone for good, then NC will help you heal.

[gingerbeer]

My [long] story is in another thread somewhere or another. In a four year relationship - we've had two long breaks. Both time I did NC (without knowing about NC) for two months - just getting on with my life and accepting his decision and not getting in touch. Both times he got in touch with me.

 

Now here's my twist. Both times he got back with me begging for another chance, I was the only one for him, blah blah blah - within a month of coming back, he'd back off again, not make much effort - I'd get frustrated, we'd start fighting ... the end would draw nigh again.

 

Now I feel like ok there were a lot of things wrong in our r/ship - as replies to my long thread have stated. But I also can't shake the feeling that I love the guy so much and will sadly for a long time. I feel like both times he came back, I made things way way too easy for him to come back - threw open my arms and laid back saying "come back baby" - and I think he just lost respect for me to be honest.

 

Now the final time we broke up - back in June - it was because again I'd felt he was making no effort to work on our r/ship. The day after I broke things off, I discovered he'd been internet dating since Jan of this year. I contacted him in a hissy fit - he said it meant nothing had just been when he'd been bored blah blah blah - but then said "at least you get the clean break you need" and "I could never make you happy".

 

To add to this, I'm pretty certain he suffers from depression, has a lot of work pressures and also a lot of issues in himself that he needs to deal with.

 

So I did NC again for about two months - but then I broke it - I sent him an email saying I missed him, that I couldn't start to pretend to understand what had happened but I missed him in my life. He texted me straight back saying I was in his thoughts most days and that things had got out of hand and that we should meet up soon. We had email/text correspondence for a few weeks. Then finally I asked if he'd met someone else - he said he had "fairly recent, nothing serious though - after you'd gone I've decided nothing left for me in this country and thinking of leaving next year".

 

We then had a dodgy flirting text session a few days after that - which I instantly regretted and I guess he did too as he was incredibly cold by email the next day. Since then we've had LC. Very LC. Always me initiating the communication and always him replying quite quickly and politely and friendly and always him suggesting we should meet up soon (when work calms down - he works in a bank caught up in this whole credit crunch thing) but never actually sorting anything out.

 

So I last contacted him 3 weeks ago - I sent a text saying "miss you" - got an instant response (it had been a month of NC I think beforehand) saying "Hey trouble ... glad to see you're still alive ...! Work still crazy but aware we're overdue a catch up". Emails the next day - all friendly - my last one saying "hey would be good to do this catch up and become friends again". No reply to that.

 

So now I'm in 3 weeks of NC. I think this time for good. I definitely have no intention of contacting him again. I think he's probably got more involved with the girl he was seeing and is just replying to me to feel less guilty and not be nasty etc. I think that is literally all it is.

 

My points here I think are:

 

- If you do NC and your Ex comes back ... don't just jump up and switch straight back into the r/ship if at all possible. Try and be calm about it, don't make things incredibly easy for them (don't play games here but ensure they see you as the person they've been missing.

 

- Do stick to NC and everything that's been said above here - if only for your own self-respect.

 

- So the golden rule is DO NOTHING.

 

I can't deny that I don't hope that he'll come back some time. My concerns are:

 

(a) he will forget me (as well all say) as I'll be replaced by this new person - but hey if he does - then it wasn't the love I thought it was

 

(b) we'll never cross paths - we both live in London and it's a big place and there's no way we'll just bump into each other - we have no connecting friends - so he will just be out of my life unless he contacts me again.

 

© he'll leave next year and go to the other side of the world and I'll never see him again in my life - that one rips my heart out.

 

(d) I shouldn't even be wanting him back after everything that's happened but in so many ways I feel he's the man for me. Warts n all.

 

IF he does come back .... but let's face it, he's come back twice now and I'm sure he wouldn't want to mess me around again - I most certainly won't be jumping back into the relationship. But I do miss him so very much from my life - although have to admit I'd find it hard to see him in reality right now if he were to tell me things are going great guns with this new woman.

 

But I guess if it's meant to be .... it will be. I just know he's very proud, he'll feel very bad about what he did - but I guess I have left the door open by my friendly contact but now it really is time to give him (and more importantly, me) SPACE.

[Billymadison]

I recently stumbled upon this thread, and believe it or not, have read a majority of the 175 pages for which it expands. Maybe someone here can help me with my situation.

 

If you want to skip the story, just read the bold stuff. But reading the whole story will help out a lot.

 

Here's as basic of a gist as I can provide:

 

I wasn't interested in her at first, but then we started to fool around. Getting her to commit was always tough - she's younger than I am. After a lot of emotional turmoil, it finally worked. I tried as hard as I did only because I knew there was something special about her - I would never try that hard unless I felt like there was something good at the end of it all.

 

We were together for a little over a year - she lived with me for a year. Then she left for med school on the other side of the country. We knew it was going to end. And even though I wanted to move over there to be with her (since I am from the area), she didn't want that. She wanted to focus on school. She debated whether or not she made the right choice. Me, being the idiotic good guy that I am, told her that she had to focus on school, but that if she ever decided she wanted to give it another shot, nothing would stop us.

 

She's a unique individual - has had a number of traumatic things happened to her. As a result, I think she has this on/off switch that most people don't. Some would argue that she gets caught in the moment easily, and that she is an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of girl. But I love her. I didn't expect to, but it happened.

 

I've seen her twice now, not knowing what to expect. For two weeks when she was first out there, she never called. We talked every day and now, it felt like she forgot all about me. We hooked up the first time I saw her, and she told me she hadn't given up on us. I wanted to see her again a month later, but she felt like it was too soon. I came out there a month and a half later for my birthday. See, we spent it together last year in that area, so I kind of wanted her to be there. That weekend, she confirmed what she had recently said to me, that she was over me. For two hours we talked about that in the hotel room that we stayed in. I made a move on her, and we started kissing each other. The next morning, I realized I left something in her bag, and surprisingly, she was ok with me coming up the next night and staying with her. That whole weekend was great - I felt like I fell for her all over again.

 

This is where it sucks even more than it already did. I never heard from her that week - her mom was visiting. That Friday, I called her finally, and she picked up and said hi. Her mom wanted to talk to me, which I thought was weird, but she made small talk and made fun of me for something she remembered that week. Weird, I thought, but ok. She said she would call me later that night. I wanted her to do so, cause after that last weekend, I wanted to ask her if I could come out to see her again, between now and Christmas (she comes home to this area then). But she never called back. For two weeks, she never called. I'm pretty sure there's a guy she's been hooking up with too. In other words, things just did not look good for me.

 

Well, she called late one night, but I didn't pick up. I figured if we were not talking for two weeks already, why bother talking now. Then two days later, she texts me telling me that she's in New York - that's where I'm from, and that's where we spent my bday - and said that she hoped I had a good thanksgiving. I eventually caved, texted her back, and then we spoke on the phone.

She told me that she has no romantic interest in me now. It's hard for me to accept that, because I just think that's crazy. But she told me that I was always more into the relationship than she was. She said that if she were to visit, she'd like to see me, but that she does not want to stay with me. She even told me that she really wants to be friends with me, but that if I can't do that, she understands too. I'm not strong enough to make that decision. I'm just not. She said she hates that we always talk about this stuff. So we came up with a deal - that she would call more frequently and tell me about her day like I want, if in return I tried to not have us come back to the topic of us. I told her that I didn't want to give up on her, that I do want her to stay the night with me when she visits. But I told her that in addition to the plan, I would also vow to try my best not to read too much into things - so if she is brief with me, or has to go, that I would try my best not to be upset and that I'd chalk it up to the fact that it was just nice to hear from her.

 

See, I felt bad - because this girl has put up with me for so long since the breakup that I think most people would have just said, "Screw this," and walk away. But for some odd reason, she really cares about me. And I feel like I haven't been fair to her because she has been busy, and I've spent so much time being selfish and looking at things from my perspective. I told her all this, and told her I wanted to make things better.

 

So what do I do? I know she gave me the opportunity to do No Contact, but I'm just not at that point yet, and I know that if I were to implement that at this point, it would be with the intention of trying to get her back, which I know would end up in utter disaster. I think you should only do NC when you yourself want to do it, knowing that it's what you want.

 

Did I blow my chance with her? What are the right steps now? I knew from the moment she sat on my couch years ago, that there was something special about this girl. I've never felt so comfortable with anyone in my life. And I want to marry her.

 

I'm hoping someone out there can give me sound advice - Dave, if you're reading, I'd really appreciate input from you too. Thanks all.

[Billymadison]

i'd really love some insight...

 

just as an update, she called later that night, much to my surprise - late too, at about 2a.m. her time - she said she had just finished studying and wanted to call and say hi. So we spoke for half an hour - it was actually nice.

 

Then at about 8:30a.m. her time, 5:30 mine, she texted me telling me that it was her first snowfall and she was excited - so we sent each other a text or two, and i went back to bed.

 

Then she called me the next day, to tell me she was moving upstairs to a new apartment and that she was very excited. And that was the last I heard of her. I'm not quite sure how I feel about all this, but it does make me less crazy about things, as in I'm not feeling like I need to be with her - I feel more relaxed about it - does that make sense? But I'm still not sure about how I feel since I've told her repeatedly that I don't want to be friends (that's why I don't call her, and only let her call me).

 

I don't know - still broken, not fixed yet - but hopefully, i'll get there

[mijo]

So my ex broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago, and after texting each other for a few days after I decided to go NC.

In a time of weakness late last night I text him to tell him that I has just seen a letter he'd written to me and it made me realise just how much i missed him etc.

I haven't heard anything back and now regret sending the message, altho part of me is glad that he knows that I'm not entirely happy with just being friends.

Anyway I am going to go back to NC today. I am hoping that having sent that message and not yet had anything back that I will be stronger and more determined NOT to contact him.

 

How do people deal with things like Facebook? Because we were friends before and have said we'll stay friends I don't want to be petty and delete him, but everytime i see his name come up on a status update it reminds me of everything we had.

[ouchh]

OK so after deciding NC I found this thread. I was in an LD relationship for a while. I was traveling to see my ex and the last time we saw each other was the greatest time that we had had in a while. Then aproximately 2 weeks ago we got into a small argument over the phone. We hung up, I thought about it twice and called back by then he had already left to his friends house. I had called him to talk things over I didn't want him to be upset, while he was there & I didn't want him to go to sleep upset. Well to make a long story short I wasn't able to contact him till 2 days later... more than enough time for it to fester and him get more upset (he has been under an extreme amount of stress lately and this was the drop that tipped the glass, no excuse I know) when we did get in contact I got the we need to talk message. I replied I know. We finally did talk and I ended up pleading with him to work things out. He said he wanted to but with everything going on in his life right now he didn't know how we could with me being here and him being there. What I never told him is that I'll be moving there this summer as my job has a larger need for me there. We had our talk and decided NC for a couple of months- his reason was I wasn't moving there any time soon, and it was hard for him to see other couples together, & know that he had someone but just couldn't be with them ( I didn't tell him I was moving because I didn't want it to seem like I was desperate to do anything to keep him & that this was a way of hanging on to him) mine was because I needed to grow outside of the relationship before going further ( we had started to have small arguments here and there which had begun to make me feel insecure as if though he was picking a fight for no reason). When we broke it off he asked if there would be a chance for us in the future I said yes but I think I may have sealed my fate (I left it open for him to do as he pleases and play with my emotions till then..any suggestions would be a great help) I really do want to work things out especially if I will be living close to him. But I want it to be the icing on the cake not the cake itself. How do I or should I let him know about my move. Should I break the NC or should I just move and let what happens happen? The past two weeks have been very rough I have had to resort to nearly breaking my back trying sports I have never played in order to keep myself busy and not call. I have been trying to be strong because the NC was mutual. But I miss him sooo much. We use to talk first thing in the morning, Right after work and right before bed. I'm very confused and I know this seems like I'm rambling but I have so much to say and not sure who to say it to. I don't want to burden any friends or family because I know the first thing they would say is what did you expect with a long distance relationship? Please somebody say something that could give me hope or help.

[ouchh]

Mijo, Hi I joined the forum today and found your last post. Facebook/Myspace: I have simply started scanning and skipping the information about him. We decided NC together but for me it has been hard. I know its very hard to overlook the information about him but like I said in my post I have started to doing things that I have never done before to keep from contacting him. You feel a need to respond when you get something from him or want to send a quick message when you see he is online. Fight it! I have my days when I have to fight it so hard that I give myself a head ache but once I get past the first 30 minutes I'm good. I don't think you messed it up you just set yourself back a little. As for myself I feel just as lost as you. I haven't called or texted yet and I want to be strong enough to not do so. Its going to take a lot of work but we can get through this girl! It may not have the outcome we want it to have but we will be better people for having the strength to go the distance. What is it you want the outcome of your NC to be ultimately, if you don't mind me asking? I know I want to be with him but I can't make him come back to me, I have also come to find out that NC does work in one way or another. I initiated NC for the first time ever without knowing what it was with an ex 2 years ago(he broke it off with me- go figure! after I caught him cheating) I stopped talking to him completely he calls I ignore it he leaves messages says he loves me I ignore it says he is ready to settle down and get married I ignore it ( I know in my heart that he is saying this to get what he wants out of me just to get the rush of the chase, when the chase is over he would do the same thing over again). I guess in the end I got what I wanted after I didn't want it anymore. Be strong you will see something positive out of this. That experience is what has helped me make my decision with this one. One thing that you may wan to think about doing is to write him a letter that you know you will never send. Tell him all of the things that you would tell him if he were in front of you, how you feel now, how you felt when it ended, when you met, get all your anger and frustation out in this letter. read it then shred it. It will make you feel a bit of empowerment and may give you some insight into yourself. It may take a while to feel happy again but in the meantime we have this forum. Let me know what you think...Chin up Chick!

[mijo]

Hey thanks for the reply.

I guess with the NC I'd like the outcome to be that he'll realise he wants me to stay in his life in some capacity. I think it will definitely make me stronger too. I know the text yday set me back a little but I feel now that I have made a clear stand to him that I'd like to talk things through and try and work things out, now the ball is truly in his court and I almost dont feel the need to contact him at all now. If he wants to contact me he will try, and if not then I know I'll be absolutely gutted but I'll know it's for the best.

Thanks for saying about facebook etc - that is my biggest problem really. It seems so hard not to check it when it is one click away, and so hard not to read too much into status updates. But since we were friends before and said we'd stay friends I don't want to seem petty in deleting him.

 

Tonight was quite hard. I work in a theatre and we had a VIP launch night tonight (I'm in uk), and everyone was with their partners and I just kept thinking how I'd have loved him to be there and we'd have had a laugh. Luckily my friend came with me though, so it made it much easier.

 

Your situation sounds awful with the long distance. How long have u known that you will be moving now?

It is really hard one as you don't want him to assume that it's all because of this you are moving. You could maybe just contact him casually and say that you are relocating because of work and wanted to tell him so that you don't end up bumping into each other and him being shocked to see you, and perhaps when you're settled you could go for a drink, but you want to see how you get on. That way you'll be letting him now, but not making into a huge deal that he has to be worried about. If he then wants to contact you when you've moved or see you straight away then he will know you're nearby.

[ouchh]

I is good to know that you want him to be a part of your life now what needs to be done is you need to get past the grief of not being with him and past the awkward stage so that when you feel you are ready to break the NC you can face him as you not as the shell of a person who thinks "if i so much as breath he might disappear from my life" The point of NC is for us to get back to being ourselves the people they originally fell for. I don't think that many people realize that when we feel the slightest change in a relationship that we change to try to keep it when in reality what we should have done was stay ourselves and ride out the tough spots- it would have made for a more confident person when the other approched us about the breakup.

 

Last night was hard for me too. It took everything I had to not try and call or text. I know what you mean about seeing other people with their companions. It is very hard to wald down the street or through a shopping center and see all the happy couples holding hands, talking, & laughing. You get a jealous twinge and think "what about me?" I had that once and I want it back. You will have it again just become yourself first but keep in mind that it may not be with him. I have to remind myself that on a daily basis.

 

As for the move I knew about two weeks before the break up but I had planned on waiting till Christmas to tell him. When we broke up it seemed as if though I told him at that moment he would have viewed it as a desperate measure to try and keep him. When the time comes for the move I will contact him if he hasn't already contacted me to let him know. I think it would only be fair. But I will say that I am determined to not break NC. I want to respect our decision and give us both time and space. It will only help me gain ground when I do finally see him. Surround yourself with friends, throw yourself into your work. when you least expect it they will call. Like I said my first time with NC my last ex contacted me after 4 weeks (he actually came over) I greeted him at the door he asked after my health and asked me how I was doing emotionally. I informed him I was fine and that I had just a couple of minutes as I needed to get some rest. He asked again if I was alright I said yes I had just been out the entire night before at my class reunion, & had just walked in the door not 15 minutes before him. He seemed disappointed at this. I then excused myself and bid him a good day. He left and called three times the week after that.

 

It took a while but through NC I came to realize he was not what I needed he was only using me and he was toxic for me. Through this NC I have started to realize that we took what we had for granted and wasted time arguing about petty things when we should have cherished the little bit of time we had together. I really am itching to see what he gets out of it.

[James74]

What a great thread. I wish SuperDave was still around. His posts are full of wisdom and optimism.

[lover12]

Hey superdave i love what you have said too others too help them cope with the situation...i graduated seven months ago me and my bf dated for almost two years right after school ended he started saying he needs space and i wouldnt give it i went crazy kept calling him bothering him too the fullest then he kept coming back and forth then leaving he didnt want me talking too his friends... called me names and all that sort of things....then one day he just said he didnt wanna b with me...the next day i kinda hack into his email i find this girls picture i find her number i called her and asked hey are you with this guy shes like no then i find out they were going out for two months this is right after graduation....soo i cry i call him i say hey b**** hes like u sound like a hooker im like u know how that sounds? he says u were pity too begin with...then he said he wanted his password or he was gonna blackmail me with my pictures i said ok take it...and some situation came up i was suppose too move so now i moved i live four hours away before i moved something happened and his friend and i started dating ...i realized i was still in love with my ex so i pushed this guy away and eventually he went back with his ex but my ex found out i was dating his friend called me pathetic....then this hacker came into my emails sent my ex a forward i wrote too my friends and i didnt contact him for soo long then things came apart again i went too talk too him again to say sorry he said i never loved you this and that im gonna marry my new girl....hes really mean too and has said some horrible things he said he wanted revenge he said he got wat he wante dand left like he said he would then y do i still love him??? and want too marry him?? how can i get him back too come bak and beg me like i did and love me like i do????