CIJAS

Hi Dave : I am very impressed by the wealth of knowledge and advice that I have read on this site. I like a lot of people here have recently broken up with a loved one and I so want to reconcile with her . I am 53 and she is 47 and we had a good relationship for 10 months . We met online and hit it off and spent every weekend together plus often 1or 2 nights during the week. Due to the fact that she commuted 3 hours to and from work I right at the get go made it clear that I would do most of the travelling to her ( she lives about an hour from my home ) . We only had two diagreements the wholw time together and we were on the same page with a lot of things and we were both interested in long term. Well we were great and then we had a disasterous weekend . It started well enough with me going to her home on a Friday evening which was normal . She woke before me and took a phone call . She came back to bed and informed me that 3 young women from her small community were killed in a tragic motor vehicle accident . My gf and son knew these women well . Needless to say she was in a state of shock and I spent the day doing all I could to be there for her and to help with what ever I could . For my gf and I our problem started when we awoke next morning. We talked for a minute or two and then she asked me "to make love to her" , and I unthinkingly said " do you think that is appropriate" . Well she exploded and jumped out of bed and told me what an incensitive s.o.b. I was . I took real exception to this as I had been bending over backwards the day before ( and indeed our whole time together ) to be sesitive to her needs and to be an asset to her. We had angry words for each other and I was trying to explain that I wasn't insensitive but that as she was " in such mourning the day before that was the last thing I thought she would want" ( I do understand that what she was really saying was I need to feel loved , safe and nurtured ) . We didn't properly talk it out and resolve things right then and there , and we both felt unfairly treated by each other . We both felt miserable after that . I went to church but couldn't stop feeling angry about her being so mad at me . She prepared some food for the family's that lost their girls and was suppose to deliver the food along with her exhusband while I was away ( I have met her ex before and we were always on good terms and considerate towards each other ) . When I returned they still had not departed to visit the familys and this is where the next problem arose . She was expecting her father ( whom I have never met or spoken to ) from out of town and his wife that afternoon and I asked her " what about your Dad ?" She told me I was to stay back and entertain them until she returned later in the afternoon. Well I was very unhappy about this but due to the mornings incident I didn't say anything .... that was a mistake. I waited several hours by myself and nobody showed . I was now really ticked and resentful about how I had been treated and then I decided I couldn't be there so I left without leaving any kind of message . I got a phone call later and we were both had harsh words for each other. During the whole time together we always spoke , e-mailed or saw each other every day . For the first time ever we went 5 days with out speaking . When I did call her she told me that I had let her down on an intimate, emotional and physical level and that she didn't want to see me anymore . I was crushed to say the least . I pleaded with her and appologised profusely for my actions . I tried to explain to her what I was feeling and what was going through my mind , but she would give no quarter on it . She told me she need someone " she could count on " . I felt she was still very angry and that she might reconsider so I let her be for another week . Then she contacted me and wanted to give me back some of my possecions that were still at her place . She again told me that she didn't have any love or forgiveness for me right then and that she wanted closure . I was again really hurt by this . When we met several days later I had pulled myself together and I had now come accross e-notalone and started reading the thread . When we met I was determined that no matter what I was going to act strong and dignified with the intention of leaving as good an impression as I could . As things went we spent a great couple of hours together .We didn't speak much at all about the relationship but rather about everything else going on in our worlds .We had dinner together share a bit of each others meal and had lots of karma flowing between us . When it came time to part we hugged and kissed and talked some more . I talked about the fact that we had often spoke about getting out on the Harley ( we both like motorcycles ) and we had not done that . She said that she would " like that very much , and that she would give me a call and we would do that " We each said that we loved the other and that we didn't know what the future held for each other . I felt though she intended to fallow through with the breakup and I told her that as far as I was concerned " the door was still open " and that if she ever wondered what I thought of her , to never be afraid to " give me a call ". We both left smiling and I felt that I had done about all I could do . I carried myself well and conducted myself with dignity and a loving heart. I did e-mail her the next day and told her how nice it was to see her again . She wrote back that she too had a really nice time too. She also said to me that " she felt her walls came down about me , and that she was starting to feel the forgiveness that I had been asking for " Then she told me that she felt that my lack of " self esteem and confidence " were major factors in her decision to move on and that she needed a "confident man" in her life . Then she said again that she would give me a call and we would go for that ride on the motorcycle . That hurt . I went strict "no contact" and have been for 6 weeks now . She has since sent me 5 "chain letters" all with diffrent distribution lists so she deliberately added me to each one so she knew that she was sending them to me ( I often responded to her sending me nice chain letters in the past ) . I feel this is her way of saying hi and that she still thinksof me without being direct. I never responded to any of them . This woman has had a difficult life ,and I know her to be a proud person who will not allow herself to feel humbled , or humiliated , yet I know she does have a vulnerable side and often masks that with an air of confidence . My concern Dave is that I really want to reconcile , and to be together at some point . I feel I need to extend a small " hi how are you" in order make it easier for her to get back in touch ( even though "the ball was left in her court" ). She does know full well how much she means to me , and that I do want to reconcile , but I'm afraid that her pride and ego will prevent her from contacting me because , she might appear that she is backtracking . I so want to do the right thing with regards to having a reconciliation with this woman that I love . What are your thoughts Dave about the best avenue towards getting us re connected ? I'd appreciate any insight you may have and I look forward to your reply.