Can I trust this guy?

[Kia]

Back with my ex since a few months ago. In the two years we were broken up, he continued to message me regularly, despite me not responding. I often missed him, but thought I would be better off without him.

He's been open about meeting his previous ex a few times whilst we were broken up. In his apartment I found a card from her laying around, where she questioned that he'd called her his love and special person, only to break it off with her again a few weeks later. It's obvious she wasn't just a rebound to him. Nonetheless, he talks like we were in a relationship in the period when we were broken up, as he says he never stopped loving me. But he was going to visit his ex just a few weeks before I finally contacted him again. 

He works as a freelancer and I know he has some demanding things that he's working on. He said he was going to Scotland where his client is and then make a bike trip there for a week. He didn't want to be in contact during this time, as he said he wanted time to focus on his work and travels. A few days in, he shot me a quick message to say that he really enjoys his time in Scotland. Next day, he sent me a video from inside a castle to say he loves me. Surprisingly, I recognized it, as I happened to visit there some years ago. It was in Wales, a two days bike ride away from where he supposedly was the day before. What makes it worse, his former ex lives in the area where this castle is.

I didn't want to assume the worst, but ended up calling him in my lunch break. He picked up right away. I asked him how life in Scotland was and he answered somewhat evasively that the weather was good etc. I said to him that I was probably drawing the wrong conclusions, but that I found it a bit strange that he was suddenly in Wales when he said he would be travelling in Scotland.

He had no understanding why I was upset about this. His answer was, he decided to buy a train ticket to Wales, but he didn't explain why. He argued that he picked up the phone and that he wouldn't have if he was with his ex like I accused him of. Then he turned it around on me, saying I have offended him with my suspicions. That I have trust issues and that he suffers from it and that it would take him some time to recover. I felt quite bad so he tried to comfort me a bit, then said he found it interesting that it was him that comforted me when I had hurt him. It ended with me appologizing to him and feeling like a fool. Now, I don't know what to think. Was it really so wrong to confront him? And should I trust him?

[smackie9]

Your gut is telling you something here...you can't trust him for a reason. Cut him loose....you will feel better about it later. 

[TeeDee]

There's a lot of shady behavior in here.  He also seems to throw the word love around very casually.  

You know him better than we do & there are valid reasons you broke up the 1st time.  It sounds like those problems were never fully resolved & you are right back where you were then.  

[yogacat]

21 minutes ago, Kia said:

Back with my ex since a few months ago. In the two years we were broken up, he continued to message me regularly, despite me not responding. I often missed him, but thought I would be better off without him.

How long were you in a relationship with him? Why did you feel you would be better off without him?

Do you think maybe you were a rebound for him? 

Frankly, what he chooses to do when you are broken up is really his business and it should not matter to you. 

The fact that he continues to contact you shows that he does care about you and probably still has feelings for you. However, it is not fair for him to expect you to wait for him while he "checks out" other options. 

If he was a bad boyfriend while you were together, why would you want him back? 

[catfeeder]

What caused you to break up with this guy?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kia said:

He didn't want to be in contact during this time, as he said he wanted time to focus on his work and travels.

Red flag right there....

1 hour ago, Kia said:

A few days in, he shot me a quick message to say that he really enjoys his time in Scotland. Next day, he sent me a video from inside a castle to say he loves me. Surprisingly, I recognized it, as I happened to visit there some years ago. It was in Wales, a two days bike ride away from where he supposedly was the day before. What makes it worse, his former ex lives in the area where this castle is.

^^Okay this is where you utilize your common sense and put things together.  Number one, he lied.  Claiming he was in Scotland, when in fact he was in Wales.

Number two, his ex lives in Wales in the same area where the castle he's visiting is....

If me, I would not have even confronted him.  I mean why?  You think he would be honest?  No, see below quote.... I would have simply ended the RL.  He lied, his behavior is shady as hell, trust is gone.

1 hour ago, Kia said:

Then he turned it around on me, saying I have offended him with my suspicions. That I have trust issues and that he suffers from it and that it would take him some time to recover.

This^ is typical of liars and cheaters.  Turn it around on YOU, you are the "bad guy," HE is the victim.

HE needs some time to recover?

Do him (and yourself) a favor and tell him he can have ALL the time in the world, you are DONE.  

I am also curious why you broke up and also why you got back together.  

Going forward my advice is never get back together with an ex.  They are an ex for a reason and despite you longing for them after it's over, the same things that broke you up the first time will most likely break you up again...

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

What was the cause of the breakup? What issues were going on back then? Could what's happening know be a continuation of what you previously experiened? Are you prone to be suspicious and have trust issues? Has he lied about other things, cheated, or often made you feel guilty when you express yourself? 

It's hard to know if you should trust him if we don't have knowledge of his history with you. He could have lied about his trip, or there could be a reasonable explanation, no way for us to know. But the bigger concern is his reaction. In a good relationship partners talk through what happened, each supporting the others feelings and making sure they feel heard. Sounds like his focus was on deflecting anything from him and making you feel bad. That's not a sign of a healthy relationship. 

You weren't wrong to confront him. Talking with someone is the only way to get through things and is much better then holding it in. If you want to continue with him though, I'd make sure he is willing to respect your feelings and show you support when something is bothering you, whatever it is.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Kia said:

Was it really so wrong to confront him? And should I trust him?

Nah, and no. 

He very obviously lied about where he was going and why. Clearly, there was no business trip to Scotland. Unless "Scotland" is the new name for "my ex's house." It would be foolish to trust him. 

He's also apparently quite manipulative. 

Run. Fast and far.

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Kia said:

He argued that he picked up the phone and that he wouldn't have if he was with his ex like I accused him of. Then he turned it around on me, saying I have offended him with my suspicions.

This is called deflection. Often used by cheaters to deflect accusations from them. He knows he is guilty so he is trying to squirm his way out of this.

Scotland and Wales are not close. So he definitily wanted to see his ex. Dump his cheating and lying as yesterday and dont look back.

[Kia]

Thank you everyone! I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this time it's hard. I should mention he was in this part of Wales quite recently too (doing a course), and in this time span he also wanted time to himself (though he invited me over for one weekend).

The reason I broke up with him was that if there was a concern or disagreement, he often made me feel like I was "hard work" or selfish. It made me anxious to speak my mind. He was also talking a lot about his ex partners, good and bad. These things improved after we reunited though.

I was going to spend this weekend at his place, but it doesn't feel right. I gave him a call today and he said he's still hurt. Again, I told him this Wales thing made me insecure and I just needed his reassurance. But apart from denying meeting his ex, he has done nothing to explain why he suddenly went there.

I told him we could still meet and talk, but that I'd like to stay in a hotel. I want to be able to have my own space if there is a conflict where I'm made to feel like everything is my fault. He wouldn't hear it, just said that we'd agreed to spend the weekend at his place and that I should take his wishes into consideration too. Then he had to hang up and now he has no more time to talk before Friday. After this phone call, I cannot see how this could ever work.

Like one of you said, it's not just his actions, but the way he reacts to things. Also, it's beyond me why he insists on being together when he's obviously so offended. Where do I go from here, should I still go see him so I can end things in person?

[Cherylyn]

Always pay attention to your instincts because it is there for a reason.  Your intuition tells you when it's dangerous to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't ring true.  Whenever there are red flags about a person,  this message to you is to beware.  Trouble is brewing should you continue interacting with an abnormal,  unstable person.  Trust?  That ship has sailed. 🚢 ☹️👎

[Andrina]

Even though you had a past relationship, this time around you've only been dating 2 months. Ethically, I don't believe that requires an in person break up. If it were me, I'd probably just do it on the phone. You two trigger the worst in each other. It didn't work then and it's not working now. 

This time, don't even leave him access to you, even if you ended up not replying like in the past. Just block and be done. The quicker you do that, the quicker you'll have closure.

[ShySoul]

A major part of why you broke up hasn't changed. If it didn't work then, it's not going to work now.

Follow the pattern. He's consistently tried to make you feel bad and guilty. He refuses to accept responsibilty or respect your feelings. That's not a person you should be around, let alone in a relationship with. 

He keeps trying because he thinks he can get away with it. It's worked in the past, so he'll keep pushing his luck until you cut the ties for good.

He's shown you who he is, believe him. No need to see him, just tell him it's done. Don't give him an opportunity back in.

[Batya33]

Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean you keep dating the person as opposed to being friendly acquaintances and I'd reevaluate whether this is truly a value of yours or whether -when it comes to a potential relationship -you're more motivated by fear like of being on your own, etc.

I'm glad you're going to end it -good choice.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Kia said:

Also, it's beyond me why he insists on being together when he's obviously so offended.

I don't think he IS offended!   As @Kwothe28said, he's deflecting making YOU the "bad guy" and himself the "victim" to avoid taking responsibility for his own deception and in turn causing you to feel guilty for questioning him!

It's pure manipulation and a controlling tactic.  There is NO him "feeling offended" here AT ALL. 

What he's doing is intentional and one big fat manipulation.

PLEASE don't fall for it!  

Be smarter than that.

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Kia said:

...Where do I go from here, should I still go see him so I can end things in person?

Nope. Why put yourself through that? This guy treats you badly. He just plowed right over your boundaries when you wanted to stay in a hotel room. He demonstrated WHY you're uncomfortable with him, but he doesn't even care.

I'd just tell him I'm not making the trip and let him be the one to dump me.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Kia said:

Where do I go from here, should I still go see him so I can end things in person?

What is the point of this? 

Stop looking for reasons to hang on or see him again. A phone call to end it is sufficient at this point. 

[yogacat]

You're insecure because he's not giving you any reason to be secure. Are you overreacting? It doesn't seem like it. He's visiting Wales? That's where his ex is.

He was being secretive while there.

It's shady. Navigating on a bike trip is tough work. She said that it sounds like he wanted to do something nice for her instead, but doesn't want to admit it. It's one thing not to accuse, but it's another to bury your head in the sand. 

He's emotionally manipulating you.  It doesn't matter if he's "comforting" you when he's the one causing the conflict in the first place. 

You should go to the hotel. Spending the weekend at his place is not a good idea. You don't need his permission to choose your own comfortable living arrangements. Stand your ground and don't be guilted into making choices that make you uncomfortable. Don't let him rush you into making a decision before Friday. Keep your distance and think about what you really want in this relationship. It's not just about the Wales incident, but also about how he's reacting to it and treating you.

Look for someone who makes you feel secure and loved, not someone who makes you feel insecure and guilty for questioning their shifty behavior.

[jul-els]

If you’re questioning whether you can trust him, then you can’t. I would walk away from this unless you enjoy being in a very messy relationship.