Guy's motives

[virgosagit]

I’ve been chatting regularly with a guy friend for several months. He initiated the first contact (we used to exchange a few texts beforehand) and has been writing to me very often ever since. We talk about a wide range of subjects, some of them quite intimate (family, for example). On several occasions he wanted to talk to me by phone.

He suggested that we go for a walk together once (a dinner followed), and we went to an exhibition together, again on his initiative. He also asked me to hang out with me to see two exhibitions with him.

I wonder about his motives. I wonder if he's interested or if he sees me as a great girl friend or if he's contacting me only to relieve loneliness, although he's a very easy person to talk and well surrounded.

What strikes me as strange is that he never asked me the name of my company (I run a business), and when I told him I was going on holiday, he didn't ask me where I was going either. 

Thanks for your time.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, virgosagit said:

.He suggested that we go for a walk together once (a dinner followed), and we went to an exhibition together, again on his initiative. He also asked me to hang out with me to see two exhibitions with him.

How do you know each other? He seems like a good friend but are these dates?  Are you interested in him that way? Is he single? 

[virgosagit]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know each other? He seems like a good friend but are these dates?  Are you interested in him that way? Is he single? 

We met a few years ago in an association where we were both volunteers. Yes he's single.
I don't think these are dates but he often asks me to hang out just the two of us, even tough we have friends in common. I find it curious that he texts to me so regularly...

I see him as a great friend but stay open.

[Batya33]

Was there any kissing/romance the times you went out in person? Do you ask him about his work?

[Andrina]

If you assumed this would forever be a platonic friend thing, would you be okay with just being friends? Or do you think your attraction to him will grow deeper with all the communication and hanging out, even if he doesn't flirt and doesn't ask you out?

I don't find it odd he wants to hang out one-on-one, even if he just sees you as a  friend and you two hang out in a group as well. It's a different dynamic that some do enjoy. And some men aren't curious about the name of a company and don't have interest in others vacations. If you're looking to those things to see if he has a crush or not, they are not indicators of anything.

If you're enjoying time with him, then maybe have a wait-and-see attitude. Usually time reveals all. If you end up feeling used or if you see you two have different relationship goals, then by all means, you can let the friendship fade away. Do your friends in common know of his relationship history and if he's the sort to flirt, or if he's awkward in that department? That could be helpful knowledge.

[Cherylyn]

He doesn't sound serious regarding a relationship with you.  You're more of an acquaintance / almost friend to him or something to do activities with such as hanging out in public.

[NighttimeNightmare]

It depends 

 

I remember I struck up a friendship with a girl who lived down the road from me. I was 100% not attracted to her, but as a friend she was chill and could hang, so I was inclined to hit her up to hang out.  We could carry on a conversation so.. it wasn’t that I was “using her because I was lonely,” it was just factual that we got along.   She ended up developing a crush on me that was not shared by me. I thought we were just being buddies, and I guess she perceived that differently. 
 

I will say, I didn’t text her often at all, and we only hung out maybe once a month, twice a month on some occasions. It was a very casual friendship.
 

but now I’ve got another friend who I am attracted to, we talk daily, and hang out one on one all of the time; but I’ve never hit on her, even though I would like to.  So the absence of someone not making a move on you, esp an immediate move, doesn’t always mean they aren’t into you. 
 

I guess what I’m saying is none of us here can know what this guy’s intentions are. I think what matters is figuring out what you want and what your feelings are.  If you’ve recently begun hanging out it may be worthwhile to naturally see where it goes, but having something drag on undefined (as far as your perspective goes) may not work for you and you’ll need to have a conversation with him.  If you want to know what his intentions are, ask. 

[ShySoul]

He's texting you and wanting to spend time with you because he thinks you are a cool person, a good friend, and someone's company he enjoys. He feels comfortable with you, can talk to you, and has fun with you. If he hasn't made a move beyond that, no reason to speculate further. If you enjoy being around him as well, then keep hanging out together. 

Figure out what it is you want and go with that. Should things start moving towards being more then friends, you'll feel it. You'll know. Then just go where those feelings take you. 

 

[virgosagit]

10 hours ago, Andrina said:

If you assumed this would forever be a platonic friend thing, would you be okay with just being friends? Or do you think your attraction to him will grow deeper with all the communication and hanging out, even if he doesn't flirt and doesn't ask you out?

I don't find it odd he wants to hang out one-on-one, even if he just sees you as a  friend and you two hang out in a group as well. It's a different dynamic that some do enjoy. And some men aren't curious about the name of a company and don't have interest in others vacations. If you're looking to those things to see if he has a crush or not, they are not indicators of anything.

If you're enjoying time with him, then maybe have a wait-and-see attitude. Usually time reveals all. If you end up feeling used or if you see you two have different relationship goals, then by all means, you can let the friendship fade away. Do your friends in common know of his relationship history and if he's the sort to flirt, or if he's awkward in that department? That could be helpful knowledge.

Thank you for answering. I think I just see him as a friend but we never know.

What bothers me is that I feel like he's getting closer because he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener) and that he's in fact really self-absorbed. These are questions we naturally ask people to get to know them, right?

We went to an exhibition once and the day before I had to finish a really big project. I was very exhausted the day we meet up and he didn't ask me any questions about it (like how it went, etc.). He told me once that he barely talks about "work" because in his opinion, it's not interesting, and that he doesn't even know where one of his best friends work (he just know what he does). Well his job may be boring but he knows how passionate I am about mine and that it's a big part of my life.

He’s currently on holiday, he wanted to phone me to set a date for our next meeting. I told him that I’d be back at the end of the month because I’d be on holiday and again he wasn’t curious about where I was going and with whom.

He does ask questions from time to time like "and you?" or more specific ones. But I notice that he often makes everything about himself or that his answers aren't really personal as if he was not really listening to me. And YES he does have a tendency to only talk about himself. 

It's the first time I've met someone like him. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he self-absorbed? Does he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener)?

Thank you.

[virgosagit]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Was there any kissing/romance the times you went out in person? Do you ask him about his work?

No, we're just talking. Yes I've asked about his work.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, virgosagit said:

What strikes me as strange is that he never asked me the name of my company (I run a business), and when I told him I was going on holiday, he didn't ask me where I was going either. 

 

Does he needs to? Both are OK question to get to know you but they dont mean anything in terms of his desires.

Does he asks what are you looking from a guy? Maybe about past relationships? Flirts? Because those would be an indicators that he is into you. Asking about the name of your company is just small talk.

[virgosagit]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Does he needs to? Both are OK question to get to know you but they dont mean anything in terms of his desires.

Does he asks what are you looking from a guy? Maybe about past relationships? Flirts? Because those would be an indicators that he is into you. Asking about the name of your company is just small talk.

No. He only knows I'm single too.
He often refers to "couples" though: what he'd look out for if he got back into a relationship, etc.

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, virgosagit said:

He often refers to "couples" though: what he'd look out for if he got back into a relationship, etc.

And do you fit that?

Dont think he wants to be in a relationship with you if he just doesnt even steers conversation in that direction. Especially if he uses "If I ever get back into relationship" talk.

[virgosagit]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And do you fit that?

Dont think he wants to be in a relationship with you if he just doesnt even steers conversation in that direction. Especially if he uses "If I ever get back into relationship" talk.

He said it once. We were talking about a movie where the dynamics of the couple were very complex. He didn't mention the criteria he had in mind, he just said he'd be careful not to fall into that trap.
He's currently abroad on holiday and he was telling me how surprised he was about cultural differences, and more specifically about the way couples are viewed. 
I spoke to him about a project recently, and again he mentioned the couple... Otherwise he talks to me a lot about love and so on. It's all very confusing.

[Batya33]

If you find him this self absorbed and you don't have much in common -for example you like sharing about work and he doesn't -why do you even want to develop a friendship with him? I am passionate about my work and have been for many years and I was passionate about my work as a SAHM for 7 years and my former shorter career as a school teacher. 

But I've always had good friends where work was not a topic of discussion (and especially not parenting which can be quite boring to many!) and  that can work out just fine as long as your friendship is based on other common interests.

My friend who I don't see often enough due to distance and schedules - but when we do we have close conversations -she just after many years got a deal for a first novel. Over the last 4 years we've discussed her progress, her writing -it's fascinating to me and obviously she's really passionate about it.

But that's not her full time job -a job she's had for decades in the business world -I know nominally what she does, maybe she's told me the name of the company but I wouldn't even think to ask except politely how is work going.  Maybe she is passionate about it.  She knows a bit about my career but doesn't ask much except politely.  And she is not self absorbed -the opposite -and we have great conversations.

Maybe look internally and figure out -the nitty gritty -how important it is to be with someone who appreciates and admires your work and asks -totally fine if that's crucial -but then this is not a good friend for you.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like if you would like to have more than a friendship, you'll have to pursue him because he seems fine with the status quo. 

[Andrina]

You really can't fully enjoy your time with him because he's self-absorbed and doesn't have interest in talking about major things in your life you expect someone wanting to get to know you better would ask.

This just made me think of one particular guy I used to work with. I did not have a crush on him or anything. He was far younger, but I just noticed how adorable he was and wondered why he wasn't presently in a relationship. But when we chatted in passing, I could see that while I was speaking, even to answer a question he'd ask, his mind was focused on what he wanted to say and he would interrupt me before I finished. Not really an enjoyable experience.

Everyone, of course, has limited leisure time. Since he's not someone you enjoy as much as you likely do with other friends, perhaps don't let this friendship progress. Doesn't mean you have to cut him off, but maybe not be as available in either get-togethers and find ways to limit communication.

[virgosagit]

Thank you so much everyone for your feedbacks!

[smackie9]

Maybe he just sucks at interacting with women he's interested in. And yes some people are more into talking than listening ...doesn't always mean they are full of themselves but it's how they cope socially. I say if you enjoy his company just keep at it and see where it takes you. Really is there any harm in that?

[yogacat]

It's confusing for you because from what I can see, you've developed some feelings for this guy and so maybe what you view as self-centered could also be interpreted as obliviousness, you understand?

They're kind of one in the same thing, but one could be more not as inward-thinking so a person wouldn't necessarily talk about themselves a lot because they're in love and organically express fairly proportionate amount of interest in the person they're in love with rather than concerning themselves with their own personal life a lot? 

I could be wrong, but it's just something to keep in mind as you continue to get to know him. It's not a good or bad thing necessarily, just something to be aware of in your interactions with him.

But on the other hand, he does seem to make a lot of references to romantic relationships and the dynamics within them. 

Whatever the case, until he does, or...if he does, indicate romantic intent I would suggest treating him as just a friend and if you find the conversations are only centered around him.

If you're viewing your interactions as him being self-centered, just cut the conversation short and set some boundaries so that he understands that you are not always going to be available to listen to him talking about himself all the time.

[NighttimeNightmare]

If you don’t have any feelings for him, and you feel he’s just using you as a sounding board… what’s the point of the friendship?  I think that’s what you’re trying to investigate? 
 

how long have you been hanging out with him? Some people are psyched to have someone that listens to them, and they get carried away because it feels good for them, they don’t even realize they’re doing it.  You’re the one interacting with him and seeing the non-verbal cues and such… so you’d have to decipher if that’s it or if he’s a selfish attention-seeker. 
 

If you otherwise enjoy his company, I honestly dont think it hurts to just be frank with him.    You can say it really light and carefree, “hey I noticed you don’t really ask about me very much. Why is that?”

 

as I learn to navigate my own relationships in healthy ways, I’m now of the belief that if you can’t be transparent, open, and frank, with the people you’re getting close to — there’s something wrong.    There needs to be a platform to ask your questions without hesitation, or feeling like you’re being “too much” … and, you can’t be manipulative or reserved in your questioning either. Meaning, the questions are also to understand the other persons autonomy, not to try to change them into something they aren’t.  
 

when you have these frank conversations, if their answers are something they don’t line up with what you want, then it’s your responsibility to put up the correct boundaries or necessary distance  

 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, virgosagit said:

And YES he does have a tendency to only talk about himself. 

It's the first time I've met someone like him. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he self-absorbed? Does he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener)?

 

Speaking only for myself, this ^^^ would moot any need to know his intentions, because I'd have already ruled him out as a romantic interest. So that renders his POV about me irrelevant.

We each choose the qualities we want in a partner, just as we do with friends. I wouldn't be too interested in a friendship that wasn't mutually regarded as being about both of us, so I certainly wouldn't be attracted to a guy who made everything about himself.

This doesn't mean that some friendships can't be somewhat imbalanced. I think of these as 'action' or 'purpose' friends, where our interests intersect and we pursue only those things together. These are more transactional friendships, and while we might get to know more about one another over time and develop more of a caring for one another, these are not typically the friends in whom I would confide.

So enjoy this friend to the degree that you wish, and don't get caught up in trying to figure him out unless he's someone you'd care enough about to pursue anything deeper. In that case, raise your feelings with him, because if you don't feel comfortable enough doing that, your discomfort will pretty much tell you all you really need to know.

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, virgosagit said:

He does ask questions from time to time like "and you?" or more specific ones. But I notice that he often makes everything about himself or that his answers aren't really personal as if he was not really listening to me. And YES he does have a tendency to only talk about himself. 

I've noticed people in general tend to talk more about themselves then asking for about others, particularly the more extroverted they are. That doesn't necessarily make them bad or self absorbed. It may just be the way his brain works. For some people it's like a race to get the next word in. They are so focused on saying something, that pausing and listening is a foreign concept. A person like that would naturally enjoy the company of  good listener as you describe yourself. 

It's possible he is self aborbed and arrogant. It's possible he is simply clueless of certain social graces and blissfully is content in his own head. He seems to like keeping things simple - not wanting a complex relationship, not being aware of cultural differences. He doesn't even want to know basic things about his closest friends.  

The issue shouldn't be what he is thinking, it's what is okay for you. Would you be okay with a relationship in the future? Are you okay with the friendship as it is right now? Do you feel he is paying you enough attention and actually cares about what you have to say? Are you comfortable being someone who inititates more and makes sure your voice is heard if he isn't asking you more questions? Do you expect the other person to be asking certain questions? If you aren't okay with his lack of being inquistive, are you okay with bringing the topic up? 

Regardless of this being a friendship or more, you have to be okay with the person he is and if its a good fit for you. So take a good look at things. If you are happy with it, then just enjoy. If you aren't happy, then figure out what would make you happy and try to make it a reality.

 

[tattoobunnie]

I almost never talk about work with friends.  But, I always ask questions!  You could just tell him about your day at work instead of waiting to be asked.

[yogacat]

Maybe it's not so much that he is self-absorbed but more so that he is not particularly focused on your life and interests in a way you hope he might be... In other words, it seems perhaps you are trying to pursue interest from him.