Boyfriend is financially struggling and said he would rather kill himself

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes we went through A LOT.  I confronted him, he got angry, verbally abused me (he was high as a kite when he did), I LEFT.

After I left, he immediately went into rehab so in retrospect, my confronting him and taking a hard stance was the right thing to do.  For HIM.  May have saved his life.

And after he got clean and was healed, he thanked me profusely for it.  As well as apologizing for being an a-hole.

Jane, your boyfriend may have a completely different response, you know him best.  All we know is that all your efforts to be understanding, kind, nice, generous aren't helping.

He is still in the same exact place he has been.

Something's gotta give otherwise I really fear for him (and you).

Good luck keep us posted.

I give you credit. Don't think I would do that for a partner. Family, totally different. My mother being one of them.

In any event, stop worrying what he thinks about you or thinks in general. If he's depressed, it obviously up to him to do something about it. Sounds like he's making it difficult on himself. If he's thinking about getting back into pharmacy, he needs to finish what he started and sit for the exam. It's not how you bring it up, it's when you bring it up.  It's not a matter of an opinion. It's not an opinion issue.

Personally, I would wonder more about the negative self talk that you may be hearing from him. Especially when he flat out told you he didn't want to exist. Him using your words, he accepts input. He may not want to hear it, but he's not ruling it out.  

He needs to be expressing this to a professional, no matter what the reason is. Only thing you should tell him, is express empathy that he's having a tough time, emphasize that you are unable to help. You can only reinforce that you love him and would very much prefer for him to in better spirits. 

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

He is definitely not a man child like some said,

Jane allow me to clarify, I think something may have gotten lost in translation.  Neither I nor did I read anyone else said he was a man-child, that was the entire point.

He is NOT a man-child which is why you should not be treating him as such by trying to fix everything for him (buy groceries, give him money, drive him around etc).

I also don't think you should be the one researching medical professionals.

You have taken on the role of his "mother" in a way, this is not good and it's not helping him IMO.

29 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

He is right that he isn't in a position to date though. He needs to be focusing on his mental health and basics of survival on his own. You can be supportive of him, but that's about it.

I very much agree with this^.   The operative words being "on his own."

 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

 one of the reasons I love him is he is manly and always wants to provide and protect and I respect him a lot. 

People who "protect" you don't terrorize you with emotional extortion. Please keep in mind that he's willfully refusing appropriate help and trying to make you feel guilty and awful about his predicament. Which he chooses. 

There are plenty of resources for him. He doesn't have to call you, rant and rave and engage in emotion dumping. 

Please reconsider why you're doing this rather than directing him to real help and assess your own neediness to fix a man. Agree that he is not ready willing or able to have a relationship until he gets himself sorted out. 

 

 

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I give you credit. Don't think I would do that for a partner. Family, totally different. My mother being one of them.

In any event, stop worrying what he thinks about you or thinks in general. If he's depressed, it obviously up to him to do something about it. Sounds like he's making it difficult on himself. If he's thinking about getting back into pharmacy, he needs to finish what he started and sit for the exam. It's not how you bring it up, it's when you bring it up.  It's not a matter of an opinion. It's not an opinion issue.

Personally, I would wonder more about the negative self talk that you may be hearing from him. Especially when he flat out told you he didn't want to exist. Him using your words, he accepts input. He may not want to hear it, but he's not ruling it out.  

He needs to be expressing this to a professional, no matter what the reason is. Only thing you should tell him, is express empathy that he's having a tough time, emphasize that you are unable to help. You can only reinforce that you love him and would very much prefer for him to in better spirits. 

I don’t know . I would anything for my husband even die for him if I had to. We have been through A LOT with and for each other with our combined mental health problems. What I do ask for is that the person tries and gets help.

My dad was bipolar and totally non compliant and abusive and that is a mental health condition I won’t touch because I KNOW the face of it and I just can’t . Not as a romantic partner anyway . 

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Anytime after that you would know that's he's capable of such notions so it's important to take care of yourself. Whose to say he won't resort back to those urges if he's in a bad place somewhere else. 

Exactly which is why I didn't get back with him after he got sober. He wanted to but by then the trust was gone and you know what they say.  Without trust, there is nothing.   Too much negative had gone down between us.

It was for the best in the end.  

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t know . I would anything for my husband even die for him if I had to. We have been through A LOT with and for each other with our combined mental health problems. What I do ask for is that the person tries and gets help.

My dad was bipolar and totally non compliant and abusive and that is a mental health condition I won’t touch because I KNOW the face of it and I just can’t . Not as a romantic partner anyway . 

Of course, but OP is walking a blurred line of codependency. 

I agree she's up in his business a bit. She needs to back off. Sure, care for him, talk to him, listen, but offering support means encouragement and empathetic listening. Not, tell him how to suck eggs or worry about how he perceives her because quite frankly, I wouldn't be concerned with someone that is struggling with mental health issues and worrying what they think of me if I was being too this or too that.

I’d be more concerned in them getting professional help. What he thinks of you is outside your control and the last thing you need to think about when someone tells you they don't want to exist. 

Something the conversation clearly highlighted and something I think you're more worried about is the triggered response and the possibility that your words have an effect on him. I think you're more concerned about that. 

The reality is that it's nothing to take lightly. Moreover, being responsible for words you say when you know the person you love talks about not wanting to exist, it puts you in a particular position yourself. You want to be helpful, but you're not considering the fact that you're partaking a portion of the responsibility for someone that may not be equipped to care for.

[Andrina]

You're 24 and your brain won't be fully formed into its adult state for about another year. Could be why you're referring to money as trivial, and aren't considering things he's lacking which should be must-haves in a successful, happy union. When choosing a long-term partner, it's smart to consider if a person meets all of your main needs, and if you haven't considered must-haves like a man being financially stable/having a good work ethic, and that he should be mature about keeping up with his physical and mental health. Love is never enough by itself to create a happy life with a partner.

When I was young, before my brain matured, I made the same mistake you're making now. My ex-husband suffered from depression. I know exactly what it means to walk on eggshells, but you have the added worries of him going hungry, whereas you should be having the time of your life, having fun with a partner and enjoying all the benefits of that when a partner is fully, emotionally available to you in the best ways.

Instead, like I did, you are bearing the brunt of someone who shouldn't be dating until he has himself sorted out financially and mentally, if that ever comes to pass, which it might not. Just like alcoholics are not supposed to enter into any new relationships, or takes on anything new like a new pet, while they are seeking sobriety. 

With your young age, you might not have even considered what lies ahead if you two end up sharing a home and possibly bringing children into the world. At the end of my marriage, I was frustrated that we were living paycheck to paycheck at a point well beyond when that should be happening, while I worked my butt off in overtime while he barely contributed financially. I couldn't even take one vacation per year after all my hard work. 

Then he veered from verbally attacking me for falsely conceived notions to isolating himself in the garage and not speaking at the dinner table. The children were also witness to him sometimes throwing something at the wall in anger. This is glimpse into your possible future with this man. How does it look to you? Divorcing my ex, finally, allowed me to choose more wisely the second time around.

If you haven't told your parents exactly what's he said or that you pay for his groceries, then you know this all isn't right. I know you're a caring person, but you can't sacrifice a happy life because you feel like you're kicking a man when he's down if you break up with him. He's been like this for a long time, apparently, and your love won't save him, yet loving him as a lifetime partner will be destroying yourself.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, JaneShin said:

Thanks for you reply. He is definitely not a man child like some said, as I've been with him and see his actions, and one of the reasons I love him is he is manly and always wants to provide and protect and I respect him a lot. He is very prideful though. I won't reach out to his mom because i know how rocky his relationship with her is, even though she's trying to rebuild it.

 

I didn't mean he was masculine or manly -I meant I think his failure to launch is based on mental illness although I'm not a healthcare provider.  My dad wanted to provide and protect too.  And struggled with mental illness.

[JaneShin]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Jane allow me to clarify, I think something may have gotten lost in translation.  Neither I nor did I read anyone else said he was a man-child, that was the entire point.

He is NOT a man-child which is why you should not be treating him as such by trying to fix everything for him (buy groceries, give him money, drive him around etc).

I also don't think you should be the one researching medical professionals.

You have taken on the role of his "mother" in a way, this is not good and it's not helping him IMO.

I very much agree with this^.   The operative words being "on his own."

 

My apology I misunderstood, was kind of feeling overwhelmed. I did take the role of his mother (or at least think I am) and I need to reflect on that. This whole forum and replies has been a big reality check for me.

[JaneShin]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Of course, but OP is walking a blurred line of codependency. 

I agree she's up in his business a bit. She needs to back off. Sure, care for him, talk to him, listen, but offering support means encouragement and empathetic listening. Not, tell him how to suck eggs or worry about how he perceives her because quite frankly, I wouldn't be concerned with someone that is struggling with mental health issues and worrying what they think of me if I was being too this or too that.

I’d be more concerned in them getting professional help. What he thinks of you is outside your control and the last thing you need to think about when someone tells you they don't want to exist. 

Something the conversation clearly highlighted and something I think you're more worried about is the triggered response and the possibility that your words have an effect on him. I think you're more concerned about that. 

The reality is that it's nothing to take lightly. Moreover, being responsible for words you say when you know the person you love talks about not wanting to exist, it puts you in a particular position yourself. You want to be helpful, but you're not considering the fact that you're partaking a portion of the responsibility for someone that may not be equipped to care for.

You are right I've been thinking more about how he is gonna perceive my words and me in general, and I am now realizing this is selfish from my part. I've actually expressed that to him in the past how I sometimes fear sayign something and how he is going to perceive me and he said exactly what you said, that what he is going to think of me is outside of my control. But regardless, at times like these I shoudn't even be thinking like this thank you

[JaneShin]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

You're 24 and your brain won't be fully formed into its adult state for about another year. Could be why you're referring to money as trivial, and aren't considering things he's lacking which should be must-haves in a successful, happy union. When choosing a long-term partner, it's smart to consider if a person meets all of your main needs, and if you haven't considered must-haves like a man being financially stable/having a good work ethic, and that he should be mature about keeping up with his physical and mental health. Love is never enough by itself to create a happy life with a partner.

When I was young, before my brain matured, I made the same mistake you're making now. My ex-husband suffered from depression. I know exactly what it means to walk on eggshells, but you have the added worries of him going hungry, whereas you should be having the time of your life, having fun with a partner and enjoying all the benefits of that when a partner is fully, emotionally available to you in the best ways.

Instead, like I did, you are bearing the brunt of someone who shouldn't be dating until he has himself sorted out financially and mentally, if that ever comes to pass, which it might not. Just like alcoholics are not supposed to enter into any new relationships, or takes on anything new like a new pet, while they are seeking sobriety. 

With your young age, you might not have even considered what lies ahead if you two end up sharing a home and possibly bringing children into the world. At the end of my marriage, I was frustrated that we were living paycheck to paycheck at a point well beyond when that should be happening, while I worked my butt off in overtime while he barely contributed financially. I couldn't even take one vacation per year after all my hard work. 

Then he veered from verbally attacking me for falsely conceived notions to isolating himself in the garage and not speaking at the dinner table. The children were also witness to him sometimes throwing something at the wall in anger. This is glimpse into your possible future with this man. How does it look to you? Divorcing my ex, finally, allowed me to choose more wisely the second time around.

If you haven't told your parents exactly what's he said or that you pay for his groceries, then you know this all isn't right. I know you're a caring person, but you can't sacrifice a happy life because you feel like you're kicking a man when he's down if you break up with him. He's been like this for a long time, apparently, and your love won't save him, yet loving him as a lifetime partner will be destroying yourself.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Quite frankly sometimes I wonder too if I haven't matured yet. 

I tell myself that if I love a person, I should love them as they are. Because who can guarantee a man that is financially stable will be stable forever? so when I fell in love with him I fell in love with his mindset and his outlook about life, and how he have all these dreams he's gonna achieve.

But sometimes there are thoughts in the back of my head whether I'm making the right decision - like what you exactly said. But then catch myself and tell myself what am I thinking? I kinda feel like I'm betraying him by having these thoughts if you know what I mean. So this is a dilemma I need to admit and need to be honest with myself about. Because the situation you described is something I wonder if I will ever be in. Not because he is not a good person.

Every time I imagine my life without him it brings me to tear, but if I decide to end things because it's better for both of us it will definitely be after he recovers a bit, as I can't bring myself to just leave after he dropped a bomb on me. After all, I still love him and hope for things to work out, even if it's just a wishful thought. 

[JaneShin]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

People who "protect" you don't terrorize you with emotional extortion. Please keep in mind that he's willfully refusing appropriate help and trying to make you feel guilty and awful about his predicament. Which he chooses. 

There are plenty of resources for him. He doesn't have to call you, rant and rave and engage in emotion dumping. 

Please reconsider why you're doing this rather than directing him to real help and assess your own neediness to fix a man. Agree that he is not ready willing or able to have a relationship until he gets himself sorted out. 

 

 

I get what you are saying but at the same time I would rather to have a partner who trust me and confide in me than struggle in silence and potentially harming themselves then finidng out when it's too late. But yes he is stubborn when it comes to getting help. in the past he himself admitted he doesn't like to ask help or seek for it.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, JaneShin said:

You are right I've been thinking more about how he is gonna perceive my words and me in general, and I am now realizing this is selfish from my part. I've actually expressed that to him in the past how I sometimes fear sayign something and how he is going to perceive me and he said exactly what you said, that what he is going to think of me is outside of my control. But regardless, at times like these I shoudn't even be thinking like this thank you

It's not so much selfish as it is fostering a very unhealthy dynamic wherein you are walking on eggshells for fear of turning him off which ironically IS (or could be) what actually turns him off.  The fact that you fear losing him.

Don't ever be afraid of losing a man.  It's not good for you but also HE will sense that and will lose respect for you and you may lose him for THAT.  In fact, I can sense from his response that he has already become annoyed and somewhat turned off.

Why?  Because when you fear losing a man over loving and valuing yourself first, it sends him the covert message that you value him more than you value yourself and that is a very poor message to send.

It's how women get themselves into abusive relationships with men who take advantage of their caring and overly-giving natures, loving the man MORE than she loves herself.  Which is how it appears to them.

Love yourself first, always.  That is not selfish, it's HEALTHY.

NEVER be afraid to speak up, get angry (when warranted), and speak your voice.  If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.  However, I can tell you from experience once I began speaking my voice and NOT fearing losing a man, they had A LOT more respect for me and valued me more than when I did not speak up and was afraid of losing him.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

 he is stubborn when it comes to getting help. in the past he himself admitted he doesn't like to ask help or seek for it.

Being rebellious is not a virtue. Nor is terrifying your college aged GF with threats, letting her buy him groceries etc. being obstinate to the point of cutting off his nose to spite his face is drama. Apparently drama you're craving. 

Unfortunately you're not really helping him at all, you're enabling his self-destructive behavior. Worst of all is playing therapist and putting someone's mental health in your hands. 

What does your family think of this situation?  Do they know you're dating someone suicidal who lived in a car when you met and is 11 years older than you? 

[Tinydance]

I think I just need some more background information. You live in the US, right? As you mentioned about needing to have medical insurance. We don't need it here in Australia as basically all/most medical treatment is paid by the government (Medicare) except weirdly not dental work. 

You mentioned you're from another background where it's customary to live with your parents until marriage. Is he also from the same background? Or is he of Western background? 

I just want to draw attention to what you've been saying about him, where it seems his mother/parents are being blamed for his life situation. I think you really need to see that you can't just blame his parents. Especially if he's from Western background. I don't think it's considered normal in Western culture or even many other cultures that his life was being completely dictated by his parents. Unless he's making it seem that way when that's not the full story.

I don't understand how his mother can just throw out his training equipment like a treadmill or other machines because they're really heavy. It's not like she can just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Exactly how did she "throw out" all his training equipment? I'm sorry but this story seems a bit suspicious to me.

Also, if he's an experienced gym trainer then couldn't he just get a job at a gym? How is it an excuse that he doesn't have his own training equipment when gyms are always looking for trainers to work at their gym? Doesn't make sense.

Also pharmacy or gym aren't the only jobs that exist. I'm sure there are many other jobs that don't require a qualification that he could apply for. Supermarket, waiter, cleaner, Uber, call centre, administration. I'm sorry but I think as Andrina said, you are not seeing things very clearly.

He's struggling because for some reason he doesn't actually want to get jobs which can actually pay money and only wants to do his "dream" jobs. I'm sure everyone would love to have their dream job, for example I'd love to be a movie actress. But life is reality and if you actually want to survive and make money then you need to do what needs to be done. If the food truck isn't making money then he needs to look at something else.

You can't blame his parents because at the end of the day they actually were encouraging him to make something of himself. They paid for his pharmacy degree and encouraged him to get into that profession. If he left his parents' home and slept in his car, that's what he wanted. You actually said he left by his own wishes, he wasn't kicked out.

I think your boyfriend definitely needs mental health help. But HE has to get it himself. If he's just avoiding it and getting defensive when you mention it then what can you do? He's a 35-year-old man and he needs to look after his own life. If he doesn't want to be a pharmacist then he needs to think of other options. Apply to work at a gym or wherever else so he can actually afford to live and not sleep in his car.

It's really not your job and not even his parents' job to sort out his life for him. He is in his MID 30's. He's not far off being 40. He's not a teenager who can't stand on his own two feet.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JaneShin said:

. His response was basically this "can you work 12 hour shifts from evening to morning in the food truck alone and have to carry 80 lbs? I need to do men *** and figure it out this is real problem" I didn't say anything and then he said how he wants to be alone and "if there was an isolated tree somewhere in the neighborhood he would hang himself" and how he is just gonna keep driving to work at 4am until a car hits him and he dies, 

Although you don't mean to depict him as a spoiled brat, this is how this dumping on you comes across. That he actually has to work for a living rather than go to the gym and play on TikTok. 

While ultimatums don't work and you can't say get help or get lost, you can have appropriate boundaries and self respect. . For example you can say please speak to me we with respect and stop threatening suicide or we'll have to end this conversation. There's no reason to listen to whiney rants like this. Enabling is not helping.

Why are you worried about someone "starving", who drives a FOOD truck and can apply for food stamps online in a few minutes? 

This makes it seem like you're on a rescue mission, not in a relationship. Relationships are balanced. This is not. If you want to rescue, please adopt a puppy and don't play with people's mental health or tolerate verbal abuse.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

sounds like he had everything handed to him on a silver platter but rebelled because of his parents divorce. This is not your issue to fix. He can live with his mother and get mental healthcare. It's unfair to burden you with the task of his well-being and mental health when he's made his poor choices

Hey, can you calm down with the judgements and understand they come from a different culture? Not everything works the Western way.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you worried about someone "starving", who drives a FOOD truck and can apply for food stamps online in a few minutes? 

Seriously. We don't all have the privilege of government support. Can you respect for a minute OP and her partner's choices?

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, JaneShin said:

he is stubborn when it comes to getting help. in the past he himself admitted he doesn't like to ask help or seek for it.

You can bring up the topic of help in another conversation like other posters mentioned. However, if he refuses to consider any help, at some point you will need to assess this relationship's viability.

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Seriously. We don't all have the privilege of government support. Can you respect for a minute OP and her partner's choices?

I'm sorry but we actually don't know what culture he comes from so that's why I wanted to clarify. I don't understand what choices he made that need to be respected? He's not wanting to actually do any work that can make money so is that respectful? 

[DarkCh0c0]

Just now, Tinydance said:

I don't understand what choices he made that need to be respected? He's not wanting to actually do any work that can make money so is that respectful?

He got himself in a rut, but that's his choice for now. It doesn't mean that we should slam him this bad on it. The guy is suicidal fgs.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Hey, can you calm down with the judgements and understand they come from a different culture? Not everything works the Western way.

 

Please calm down and cease the personal attacks. It's not a cultural issue.People from everywhere have to work for a living.

They live in the US, which has welfare and Medicaid for low income people. But they have to apply for it. 

Even then, it's his responsibility to secure that, but like pissing away an expensive education, he chooses to pout and whine instead. 

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He got himself in a rut, but that's his choice for now. It doesn't mean that we should slam him this bad on it. The guy is suicidal fgs.

Yes he is and he does need to get help of course. But it just doesn't seem that he actually wants to. OP said he becomes defensive if she brings it up and she feels she's walking on eggshells. She's being really supportive both emotionally and also financially. It doesn't sound like he's grateful which could be the depression. But that doesn't really change the fact that this relationship is very one sided. The relationship they have is that of a welfare worker and client and not of adults.

And it seems he blamed his parents' divorce that he didn't become a pharmacist. The pharmacy degree was already paid by his parents and he finished it. He just needed to sit an exam which he chose not to. I don't see what this has anything to do with the divorce? Especially as he was in his 30's when they divorced. Very far from being a child. I don't really see why we should feel sorry for someone who's blaming others for their own decisions.

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, JaneShin said:

I'm terrified of losing him over something as trivial as money.

Its not really a trivial thing. The world works on money. Tomorrow if you would maybe marry him, all those troubles, lack of place, no money, no dates, would transfer on you too. Its already affecting you in a way that he wants out because he cant really afford to have a girlfriend in a mean that he cant afford dates. I know that maybe doesnt bother you, but it bothers him. And by extension it creates a problem for both. 

Also, I am sorry, being a Tik Toker is not a real job. Very few people can afford to just do, TikTok, youtube, Instagram full time. Because not everybody can be an influencer who would earn millions on it. Lots of youtubers, even more successful ones, dont ever quit real job. Because it isnt a financially viable alternative and your social media career maybe wont last forever as your expiration date is also shorter then with real job. You just are popular once and maybe never again. While the real job would bring you consistent income for years. He would have to find a real job and do his “TikTok career” in his free time.

[TeeDee]

@JaneShin

I understand what you are going through.  I dated (& supported) a man who sabotaged his own career by not graduating from college due to fear.  He got married & raised a family.  His wife cheated.  They separated & he met me.  He moved in with me before I realized it but I put my foot down & made getting a job a condition of him staying.  He acted crazy sometimes & threatened suicide.  I made getting mental help a condition of staying.   

I have called the police & caused people in my life who were threatening suicide to be involuntarily committed on a psych hold for 72 hours.  Your BF can get charity care to cover that; in the US they can't turn you away if it's a crisis even if you can't pay.  

My guy lied to me & we broke up.  About a year later he killed himself.   I really do understand your fears. 

However, you can't fix this alone.  

You can give him links to trainer jobs at local gyms.  Everybody is hiring.  I know it's not glamourous but Planet Fitness always needs trainers.  You could also help him with a website to attract private clients.  

Buy him a book about funding his dreams.  One of the consistent pieces of advice is to keep your day job that you hate, until you build up enough income to support yourself with your passion.  In that context you bring up the pharmacy thing.  As in go be a pharmacist.  Earn & bank good money in the short term so you can own your own gym & do it your way.  For example I happen to know that you have to have a net worth in excess of $10,000,000 before the Planet Fitness owners will discuss selling you a franchise.  Pitch stable pharmacy as a means to an end, not the end.   You can't tell him what to do.  You have to ask Qs like why didn't you take the test?  what's the worst thing that could happen?  would it be so bad to be a pharmacist & save money for 3-5 years so he could get into what he wants?  

Get his parents involved.  If he's threatening to kill himself, you call 9-11 if you think he's serious in the moment.  You tell his parents now, during a calmer period so maybe they can help finance his recovery.   Telehealth options over the phone are relatively low cost. 

It's sweet that you care so much but don't let him drag you under.  He has to take responsibility for himself & his choices.  At 35 if he's still being irresponsible, you have to seriously consider that he's not a good partner.  

I'll pray for him.