Boyfriend is financially struggling and said he would rather kill himself

[Tinydance]

I just wanted to add that I think it's OK to change your mind about what to do in life. There are definitely plenty of people who studied a degree and didn't finish it. Also people who even got into a career and decided it wasn't for them. My belief is if you don't enjoy something, you don't have to force yourself to do it (in most cases). However you can't just say that because you changed your mind that now you have no other options and can do nothing.

I sympathise with this man because he's clearly depressed and struggling. I don't feel sorry for him in terms of his life choices though. What bugs me is he seems to tell his life story like it's all someone else's fault. Specifically his parents' fault. They paid for his university degree so it's not like he has debt or had to pay off student loans. If he didn't want to be a pharmacist that's fine..But why blame his parents for it? He decided not to sit the exam so that was his choice. 

I don't know exactly how his mother threw out his gym equipment. But if he wasn't successful on Tik Tok or getting a job at the gym I don't think it was her fault. If he was doing really well on Tik Tok he could have afforded to move out and not live with his parents at all. And to buy new training equipment. Obviously he wasn't successful or made any money on social media. 

He wasn't kicked out but chose to leave and sleep in his car because he was angry at his mother. Again not the parents' fault because they didn't tell him to go and do that. 

It's totally fine to admit you're struggling.   But blaming the way your life is turning out on family when you're in your 30's just isn't plausible. Also he doesn't come from a poor family because his parents could afford to pay for his college. They got him a degree and even if he doesn't want to use it but he was lucky. There are some people who could never afford to go to college to begin with.

[JaneShin]

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not so much selfish as it is fostering a very unhealthy dynamic wherein you are walking on eggshells for fear of turning him off which ironically IS (or could be) what actually turns him off.  The fact that you fear losing him.

Don't ever be afraid of losing a man.  It's not good for you but also HE will sense that and will lose respect for you and you may lose him for THAT.  In fact, I can sense from his response that he has already become annoyed and somewhat turned off.

Why?  Because when you fear losing a man over loving and valuing yourself first, it sends him the covert message that you value him more than you value yourself and that is a very poor message to send.

It's how women get themselves into abusive relationships with men who take advantage of their caring and overly-giving natures, loving the man MORE than she loves herself.  Which is how it appears to them.

Love yourself first, always.  That is not selfish, it's HEALTHY.

NEVER be afraid to speak up, get angry (when warranted), and speak your voice.  If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.  However, I can tell you from experience once I began speaking my voice and NOT fearing losing a man, they had A LOT more respect for me and valued me more than when I did not speak up and was afraid of losing him.

 

 

 

I know and I agree with you. I just don't know how to value myself and if I did I don't think this would've happened

[JaneShin]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think I just need some more background information. You live in the US, right? As you mentioned about needing to have medical insurance. We don't need it here in Australia as basically all/most medical treatment is paid by the government (Medicare) except weirdly not dental work. 

You mentioned you're from another background where it's customary to live with your parents until marriage. Is he also from the same background? Or is he of Western background? 

I just want to draw attention to what you've been saying about him, where it seems his mother/parents are being blamed for his life situation. I think you really need to see that you can't just blame his parents. Especially if he's from Western background. I don't think it's considered normal in Western culture or even many other cultures that his life was being completely dictated by his parents. Unless he's making it seem that way when that's not the full story.

I don't understand how his mother can just throw out his training equipment like a treadmill or other machines because they're really heavy. It's not like she can just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Exactly how did she "throw out" all his training equipment? I'm sorry but this story seems a bit suspicious to me.

Also, if he's an experienced gym trainer then couldn't he just get a job at a gym? How is it an excuse that he doesn't have his own training equipment when gyms are always looking for trainers to work at their gym? Doesn't make sense.

Also pharmacy or gym aren't the only jobs that exist. I'm sure there are many other jobs that don't require a qualification that he could apply for. Supermarket, waiter, cleaner, Uber, call centre, administration. I'm sorry but I think as Andrina said, you are not seeing things very clearly.

He's struggling because for some reason he doesn't actually want to get jobs which can actually pay money and only wants to do his "dream" jobs. I'm sure everyone would love to have their dream job, for example I'd love to be a movie actress. But life is reality and if you actually want to survive and make money then you need to do what needs to be done. If the food truck isn't making money then he needs to look at something else.

You can't blame his parents because at the end of the day they actually were encouraging him to make something of himself. They paid for his pharmacy degree and encouraged him to get into that profession. If he left his parents' home and slept in his car, that's what he wanted. You actually said he left by his own wishes, he wasn't kicked out.

I think your boyfriend definitely needs mental health help. But HE has to get it himself. If he's just avoiding it and getting defensive when you mention it then what can you do? He's a 35-year-old man and he needs to look after his own life. If he doesn't want to be a pharmacist then he needs to think of other options. Apply to work at a gym or wherever else so he can actually afford to live and not sleep in his car.

It's really not your job and not even his parents' job to sort out his life for him. He is in his MID 30's. He's not far off being 40. He's not a teenager who can't stand on his own two feet.

Yes, I live in the US. We are kinda from the same background. He is Asian and I am middle eastern, so we share a lot of culture (he was born here in the US though and I am immigrant when I was a teenager).

I'm not blaming his parents at all, if anything I've encouraged him to rebuild relationship with his mom as I respect her a lot - she literally took them from poverty to being wealthy, she is a very smart woman and I look up to her. I've hinted to him in the past he should try to forgive her as regardless, she paid for his degree even though he told me she has neglected him growing up. 

From what I know about what happened with his mom (what he told me) he used to have punching bags and gloves for boxing. She took a scissor and ripped them apart and threw most of them (such as gloves and other small items and punching bags she could carry) so they are not heavy equipment, but rather items he used to use to train his clients with.

I agree with you regarding the dream job, as we have bills to pay. But of course I'm hoping he realizes this that's why I asked maybe mentionig pharmacy to him would help. But at the same time I shouldn't be telling someone what to do, and I'm realizing that now I cant just fix someone. but I agree with what everyone said here, it's a mental health problem and his attitude toward life has become negative.

[JaneShin]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being rebellious is not a virtue. Nor is terrifying your college aged GF with threats, letting her buy him groceries etc. being obstinate to the point of cutting off his nose to spite his face is drama. Apparently drama you're craving. 

Unfortunately you're not really helping him at all, you're enabling his self-destructive behavior. Worst of all is playing therapist and putting someone's mental health in your hands. 

What does your family think of this situation?  Do they know you're dating someone suicidal who lived in a car when you met and is 11 years older than you? 

Regarding my family, they know I'm dating him and he is older but don't know about the financial and suicidal situation or he lived in a car. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

Regarding my family, they know I'm dating him and he is older but don't know about the financial and suicidal situation or he lived in a car. 

Perhaps seek some family support by being honest about the trouble he's causing you. 

[boltnrun]

You keep mentioning "suggesting" things to him, but first of all he's a grown adult and second, he wouldn't view it as "suggesting". He would view it as you telling him he's defective and you have all the answers on how to "fix" him. It would be viewed as pressure. 

From what you've written a lot of his issues are self inflicted. I can understand how he might have panicked when he realized the time to actually become a pharmacist had arrived and it wasn't what he wanted. He could have maybe said something before it got to that point but he chose not to. Then his mother threw a temper tantrum with throwing out his equipment and he threw one by moving out and living in his car. He seems to run away from issues or hope they magically disappear instead of dealing with them. While this isn't a healthy mindset it's not all that uncommon.

If he's truly suicidal and depressed he needs professional intervention. But again, that has to be his decision. Sure, you could tell him you're concerned and you hope he chooses to work with a professional but I can tell you an ultimatum will likely be poorly received. 

What you can do is decide if you want to continue to be involved in this mess. I understand you are emotionally connected to this man, but that shouldn't be a life sentence. If being in this relationship no longer serves you, you are free to leave. But if you do choose to stay please be well aware of what that will entail. 

And please step away from trying to play Ms. Fix It. You can't "fix" other people. 

[JaneShin]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I just wanted to add that I think it's OK to change your mind about what to do in life. There are definitely plenty of people who studied a degree and didn't finish it. Also people who even got into a career and decided it wasn't for them. My belief is if you don't enjoy something, you don't have to force yourself to do it (in most cases). However you can't just say that because you changed your mind that now you have no other options and can do nothing.

I sympathise with this man because he's clearly depressed and struggling. I don't feel sorry for him in terms of his life choices though. What bugs me is he seems to tell his life story like it's all someone else's fault. Specifically his parents' fault. They paid for his university degree so it's not like he has debt or had to pay off student loans. If he didn't want to be a pharmacist that's fine..But why blame his parents for it? He decided not to sit the exam so that was his choice. 

I don't know exactly how his mother threw out his gym equipment. But if he wasn't successful on Tik Tok or getting a job at the gym I don't think it was her fault. If he was doing really well on Tik Tok he could have afforded to move out and not live with his parents at all. And to buy new training equipment. Obviously he wasn't successful or made any money on social media. 

He wasn't kicked out but chose to leave and sleep in his car because he was angry at his mother. Again not the parents' fault because they didn't tell him to go and do that. 

It's totally fine to admit you're struggling.   But blaming the way your life is turning out on family when you're in your 30's just isn't plausible. Also he doesn't come from a poor family because his parents could afford to pay for his college. They got him a degree and even if he doesn't want to use it but he was lucky. There are some people who could never afford to go to college to begin with.

Yes I agree it was his choice to get out and be homeless. I don't think he is blaming his parents, I think he left his mom because of her disrespect. 

I agree with everything you said. I clearly trusted the process and what he was doing, and always believed in him, but obviously he is struggling a lot and that's the problem now. Regardless, his mental health needs to be taken care of as this is obviously what's affecting him. 

[JaneShin]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You keep mentioning "suggesting" things to him, but first of all he's a grown adult and second, he wouldn't view it as "suggesting". He would view it as you telling him he's defective and you have all the answers on how to "fix" him. It would be viewed as pressure. 

From what you've written a lot of his issues are self inflicted. I can understand how he might have panicked when he realized the time to actually become a pharmacist had arrived and it wasn't what he wanted. He could have maybe said something before it got to that point but he chose not to. Then his mother threw a temper tantrum with throwing out his equipment and he threw one by moving out and living in his car. He seems to run away from issues or hope they magically disappear instead of dealing with them. While this isn't a healthy mindset it's not all that uncommon.

If he's truly suicidal and depressed he needs professional intervention. But again, that has to be his decision. Sure, you could tell him you're concerned and you hope he chooses to work with a professional but I can tell you an ultimatum will likely be poorly received. 

What you can do is decide if you want to continue to be involved in this mess. I understand you are emotionally connected to this man, but that shouldn't be a life sentence. If being in this relationship no longer serves you, you are free to leave. But if you do choose to stay please be well aware of what that will entail. 

And please step away from trying to play Ms. Fix It. You can't "fix" other people. 

No I'm not gonna suggest things to him, I think everyone made that clear and I agree. It was just at first I thought to suggest, but now the only thing I think I should do is maybe talk to him regarding his mental health and let him know I'm there, not to fix or suggest therapist or anyhting.

To be honest with you, now I'm realizing if I return back in time, I would've made a different decision regarding dating him. 

At the same time, I don't think it's right to step away from this relationship right now when he's rock bottom. I will hang there a bit just for his mental health sake and just because he's a human who deserves love, regardless whether he's my romantic partner or no. Belive me, I know everything is self-inflicted, the thing is how to move forward from here on. I think he knows that too and telling him that will serve no good.

I know it's gonna be hard on me, but I am taking everyone feedback in and I won't be trying to fix him. I will just be there for him.

[itsallgrand]

18 hours ago, JaneShin said:

I take accountability that I chose this, when we dated I didn’t know he lived in his car as he got in apartment with a roommate right after so that wasn’t an issue. Of course a lot of qualities attracted me to him so what’s happening right now wasn’t a big issue, even though he didn’t have much to begin with. And no not because I’m living at home. My first bf had his own place and everything but he wasn’t a good person. And as I mentioned, I’m financially independent and can live on my own but choose to stay with my parents because I get along with them and they’re happy Im with them instead of throwing money on rent (if anything they encouraged me to buy a house and rent it to build wealth which I did). If not for a job or school, I don’t see a reaosn to move out unless Im getting married which is pretty normal in my culture.

I just loved him as a person. 

The reason I brought that up is you come across rather immature for your age and I think that happens a lot when people are insulated too much by their parents. You trivialize money because natural consequences aren't really on you. You tiptoe around your bf saying some very serious things to you because you are so accustomed to doing what you think other people want you to. 

 

 

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, JaneShin said:

I think he left his mom because of her disrespect. 

My guess is that when he was nearing 30, his Mom said, "Either get a better paying job that lets you live on your own, or go to college, because you're not living here otherwise." Then he probably decided college to prolong living there. Of course, when he decided to not take the exam, it was the straw that broke the camel's back and she threw out his training equipment. Believe me, you will reach that frustrated breaking point yourself.

You're placing a lot of weight on your shoulders, feeling he lacks the resiliency to handle a break up with you. He has survived living in a car. He has survived accepting handouts from his girlfriend. He survived 34 years without you. You staying out of fear for him and pitying him is doing him no favors.

College is when many people meet their significant other. You'll soon be surrounded by likeminded students, getting a degree in the best interest of their chosen career and lifelong earnings. Dating gets harder after college because you're no longer surrounded by a multitude of people in various classes who are in your age group. Do not waste your best dating years being tied to someone who is not worthy of you. Go solo a while and work on your self-love so that you don't repeat this pattern of dating men you hope will improve in major ways, versus choosing someone who already presently has their stuff together in all the important ways.

[yogacat]

18 hours ago, JaneShin said:

You are right I've been thinking more about how he is gonna perceive my words and me in general, and I am now realizing this is selfish from my part. I've actually expressed that to him in the past how I sometimes fear sayign something and how he is going to perceive me and he said exactly what you said, that what he is going to think of me is outside of my control. But regardless, at times like these I shoudn't even be thinking like this thank you

So why are you so worried about what he thinks? I get the not wanting to baby him or mother him or  take care of his feelings ALL THE TIME. But I think you have a lot of self-esteem issues as well. That concern that he might leave or get upset with you for saying something? Those are not words anyone would say to someone they truly love. I agree that it's selfish of you to keep stuff to yourself because you're scared of how HE will react. You need to work on YOURSELF first and foremost. He can't do this for you. 

You don't need to earn his love or respect. You already have it just by being his partner. You respect yourself and your value enough to know that putting all this work into not upsetting him and keeping your opinions to yourself is dysfunctional. 

[catfeeder]

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if this was covered already. Is there a reason why he won't just certify and work as a pharmacy tech? He'd make decent money and gain exposure to the work environment, and over time he'd learn whether the might want to pursue the test. If he opts to do so, he'd have some money, so he could hire a tutor to help him with test prep.

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if this was covered already. Is there a reason why he won't just certify and work as a pharmacy tech? He'd make decent money and gain exposure to the work environment, and over time he'd learn whether the might want to pursue the test. If he opts to do so, he'd have some money, so he could hire a tutor to help him with test prep.

She wrote he became suicidal his last year of pharmacy school. It seems the pharmacy profession is triggering to him for whatever reason. 

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She wrote he became suicidal his last year of pharmacy school. It seems the pharmacy profession is triggering to him for whatever reason. 

Ah, missed that, and thank you Bolt. OP, suicidal ideation isn't something you can take on by yourself. I would make seeking professional help a condition of keeping me in his life. There are hotlines on the Internet with referral services to low and no-cost options for treatment. I'd contact those services and list a few of those to offer to him. I'd be frank with him that this aspect of him terrifies me. I'd ask that if he won't seek help for himself, would he be willing to do it for me?

There is no need to walk on eggshells about something so important. Either he's willing to get help, or he's not even relationship material--so it doesn't matter what he thinks of you.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/12/2024 at 10:42 AM, JaneShin said:

.I know it's gonna be hard on me, but I am taking everyone feedback in and I won't be trying to fix him. I will just be there for him.

Unfortunately your situation is not that uncommon. Please read up on this:

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/