JaneShin

No I'm not gonna suggest things to him, I think everyone made that clear and I agree. It was just at first I thought to suggest, but now the only thing I think I should do is maybe talk to him regarding his mental health and let him know I'm there, not to fix or suggest therapist or anyhting. To be honest with you, now I'm realizing if I return back in time, I would've made a different decision regarding dating him. At the same time, I don't think it's right to step away from this relationship right now when he's rock bottom. I will hang there a bit just for his mental health sake and just because he's a human who deserves love, regardless whether he's my romantic partner or no. Belive me, I know everything is self-inflicted, the thing is how to move forward from here on. I think he knows that too and telling him that will serve no good. I know it's gonna be hard on me, but I am taking everyone feedback in and I won't be trying to fix him. I will just be there for him.

Yes I agree it was his choice to get out and be homeless. I don't think he is blaming his parents, I think he left his mom because of her disrespect. I agree with everything you said. I clearly trusted the process and what he was doing, and always believed in him, but obviously he is struggling a lot and that's the problem now. Regardless, his mental health needs to be taken care of as this is obviously what's affecting him.

Regarding my family, they know I'm dating him and he is older but don't know about the financial and suicidal situation or he lived in a car.

Yes, I live in the US. We are kinda from the same background. He is Asian and I am middle eastern, so we share a lot of culture (he was born here in the US though and I am immigrant when I was a teenager). I'm not blaming his parents at all, if anything I've encouraged him to rebuild relationship with his mom as I respect her a lot - she literally took them from poverty to being wealthy, she is a very smart woman and I look up to her. I've hinted to him in the past he should try to forgive her as regardless, she paid for his degree even though he told me she has neglected him growing up. From what I know about what happened with his mom (what he told me) he used to have punching bags and gloves for boxing. She took a scissor and ripped them apart and threw most of them (such as gloves and other small items and punching bags she could carry) so they are not heavy equipment, but rather items he used to use to train his clients with. I agree with you regarding the dream job, as we have bills to pay. But of course I'm hoping he realizes this that's why I asked maybe mentionig pharmacy to him would help. But at the same time I shouldn't be telling someone what to do, and I'm realizing that now I cant just fix someone. but I agree with what everyone said here, it's a mental health problem and his attitude toward life has become negative.

I know and I agree with you. I just don't know how to value myself and if I did I don't think this would've happened

I get what you are saying but at the same time I would rather to have a partner who trust me and confide in me than struggle in silence and potentially harming themselves then finidng out when it's too late. But yes he is stubborn when it comes to getting help. in the past he himself admitted he doesn't like to ask help or seek for it.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Quite frankly sometimes I wonder too if I haven't matured yet. I tell myself that if I love a person, I should love them as they are. Because who can guarantee a man that is financially stable will be stable forever? so when I fell in love with him I fell in love with his mindset and his outlook about life, and how he have all these dreams he's gonna achieve. But sometimes there are thoughts in the back of my head whether I'm making the right decision - like what you exactly said. But then catch myself and tell myself what am I thinking? I kinda feel like I'm betraying him by having these thoughts if you know what I mean. So this is a dilemma I need to admit and need to be honest with myself about. Because the situation you described is something I wonder if I will ever be in. Not because he is not a good person. Every time I imagine my life without him it brings me to tear, but if I decide to end things because it's better for both of us it will definitely be after he recovers a bit, as I can't bring myself to just leave after he dropped a bomb on me. After all, I still love him and hope for things to work out, even if it's just a wishful thought.

You are right I've been thinking more about how he is gonna perceive my words and me in general, and I am now realizing this is selfish from my part. I've actually expressed that to him in the past how I sometimes fear sayign something and how he is going to perceive me and he said exactly what you said, that what he is going to think of me is outside of my control. But regardless, at times like these I shoudn't even be thinking like this thank you

My apology I misunderstood, was kind of feeling overwhelmed. I did take the role of his mother (or at least think I am) and I need to reflect on that. This whole forum and replies has been a big reality check for me.

I take accountability that I chose this, when we dated I didn’t know he lived in his car as he got in apartment with a roommate right after so that wasn’t an issue. Of course a lot of qualities attracted me to him so what’s happening right now wasn’t a big issue, even though he didn’t have much to begin with. And no not because I’m living at home. My first bf had his own place and everything but he wasn’t a good person. And as I mentioned, I’m financially independent and can live on my own but choose to stay with my parents because I get along with them and they’re happy Im with them instead of throwing money on rent (if anything they encouraged me to buy a house and rent it to build wealth which I did). If not for a job or school, I don’t see a reaosn to move out unless Im getting married which is pretty normal in my culture. I just loved him as a person.

You really are strong and inspiring. I'm definitely a people-pleaser (bf said that too and he encouraged me to improve) so you are right I watch my words very carefully be as nice as I can so i dont offend the other person, even when i'm offering no actual help. I will keep everything you said in mind and will keep you posted. I appreciate it.

Thanks for you reply. He is definitely not a man child like some said, as I've been with him and see his actions, and one of the reasons I love him is he is manly and always wants to provide and protect and I respect him a lot. He is very prideful though. I won't reach out to his mom because i know how rocky his relationship with her is, even though she's trying to rebuild it.

I'm sorry I know I keep going back and forth on this, but I'm not sure how to approach it now. Some people are saying to not force him while others saying he needs serious help. There are just a mix of answers at this point. What's your advice on how to open up a conversation with him?

I understand where you are coming from but also please understand he has never relied on me for support or ever asked me anything. The only time he did was to drive him to work because of parking. I unfortunately had to grow up and get a stable job because of my situation (going to grad school in two months) so I'm probably where most 30 year olds are at in life. I'm not trying to justify for him, but blaming him is the least thing I want to do as it's not gonna get us anywhere. I bought his groceries and offer help because I couldn't watch him there suffer. I understnad now maybe I coddled him too much but I want you to understnad where I'm coming from.

I did tell him that yesterday after not knowing how to respond. I said "is there anything I can help with?" and didn't talk much as I know he wanted to vent. His response was basically this "can you work 12 hour shifts from evening to morning in the food truck alone and have to carry 80 lbs? I need to do men *** and figure it out this is real problem" I didn't say anything and then he said how he wants to be alone and "if there was an isolated tree somewhere in the neighborhood he would hang himself" and how he is just gonna keep driving to work at 4am until a car hits him and he dies, I didn't say anything so we left it there and we parted way. That's why I'm trying to figure out how to best approach this from now on. As the others suggested I shouldn't try to fix him or coddle him. But I want him to know I'm here for him as a partner and that he needs to consider getting serious help soon as this is not good for either of us.

got you I'm glad he was taken care of. Thanks a lot

I'm really glad to hear that this is really reassuring. This is probably not the place to ask but by any chance do you know if there are clinics that help people with no health insurance or if you have any resources I can use? I live in Texas btw.

This is the reality check I needed. I've been scared and walking on eggshells, and if anything i've actually told him before I walk on eggshell around him and he was confused to why. I treat him like how my mom treats my brother, like a child even though I hate how she treats my older brother, but here I am copying her ways on my partner. I get scared of him not eating and not taking care of himself and so I give quick fixes instead of thinking long term. Everything you said is right.

Got you ok I will try to do that. I’m just worried about his mental health at this point.

We met at our local gym. for his education, his parents (mom and stepdad) paid for him as he promised his mom he will get his pharm degree. I don’t have the full story but from what he told me he was suicidal last year of pharmacy and training saved his life as it’s something he looked forward to. His parents got divorced around the time he graduated and he had mentioned to me had his parents not divorced he would’ve probably been a practicing pharmacist (idk why). He grew up dirt poor and his mom was able to build the family up and built them wealth (which is why she was able to afford to pay his degree out of pocket). So in retrospect I see why she was upset. I understand he’s not my project but it also tears me apart to see him thinking like that and struggling. I don’t want to conveniently leave him when he’s at his worst as he’s my partner after all. I don’t know, really.

Thanks will do. Do you have any advice what to do? I don’t know I’m just at loss right now and feel really heartbroken

This is really helpful thanks a lot. You’re right I need to learn to be more supportive because more than anything I don’t want to lose him. Really appreciate it

I see your point but I’m sure he’s not trying to get money from me. Especially in past he would always step to take me on dates and respect me as a woman a lot. He also has never asked me for money, I offered to pay groceries. Besides living with them my parents don’t support me. I live with them because in my culture it’s normal we live with our parents until we’re married. If anything I was able to save and buy a house and rent it. my parents are happy I live with them and get to save. He left him mom on his own because I know until this day she is trying to rebuild his relationship with him (I met her a few times) and if anything she wants him to live with her as she lives in a big house by herself currently. I do know my bf is prideful though

Ok I will sit down and suggest therapy next time I see him. I’m just scared honestly he would get angry and shut me down immediately. I will try to be careful when I bring it up.

Got you that’s what I’m worried about too. But for me at this point I’m at loss on what to do. I’m willing to take him to therapy but I know he’s gonna reject it right away and tell me how it’s not gonna solve the real problems he has 😕