Boyfriend is financially struggling and said he would rather kill himself

[JaneShin]

My (24F) bf (35M) has been struggling financially for over a year. We’ve been together for the same duration. He used to be a trainer at a local gym until it shut down and a part time gig on a food truck. He has been struggling even more with bills, rent, and food. He is very hardworking, but he earns a minimum wage. Last week, I bought him groceries and took him out to eat because I found out he was starving.

Here is the kicker: He is a pharmacist by education (got his doctorate about four years ago). But he never took the exam and didn’t practice it. He was living with his mom after graduating and started his tiktok to train people and got some private clients. His mom got upset and threw away his training equipment. This really hit him hard and he ended up leaving and living in his car for two weeks before we started dating.

I deeply admire his resilience in starting his own thing, building his client base, and growing his social media presence, but lately, it's been tough. Losing his gym job and the lack of shifts at the food truck have pushed him to the edge. He mentioned feeling so embarrassed and would rather not go on dates anymore. Even though I told him seeing him on a simple walk is enough for me.

I just don’t know what to do. I live with my family and working full time and will go back to school in two months. I sometimes help him here and there whether with groceries, cooking, or driving him. But yesterday it just broke my heart after he broke down crying, telling me he would rather not exist. I couldn’t say anything as he is sensitive and vulnerable, and he said he would rather just be alone so I just left. 

Back when we started dating, he started studying for pharmacy exam back but he stopped. I think because he doesn’t want to give up training and his social media business as it’s his passion.

Now I kinda want to bring up pharmacy again. At least it pays more and easier on the body than food truck. Even if part time so he has enough and can focus his free time on his passion. But I’m not sure whether I should bring it up or even how? I’m willing to cover his exams and support him in any way. 

I know this topic is sensitive and might trigger him, but I can't bear to watch him suffer. I'm terrified of losing him over something as trivial as money. My heart feels like it's being torn apart. Any advice would be deeply appreciated

[boltnrun]

First off, if he's truly suicidal he's beyond your ability to help. He needs immediate assistance from trained professionals. Please tell him you're concerned and that you hope he chooses to get some help if he is indeed to the point of contemplating harming himself. 

Second, if he doesn't want to be a pharmacist it would seem insensitive to tell him you think he should be one. Maybe it seems like the perfect solution to you, but if that's what he wanted he would have pursued it on his own. You telling him to be a pharmacist could feel like another rejection and I don't think he needs that right now. 

What you could do is reassure him you're on his side and you will support him emotionally, whatever he chooses, and that you aren't going anywhere.

[smackie9]

This is all on him....he has to figure it out. I agree being a pharmacist is what's going to pay the bills. He doesn't have to give up on his love for training, he can do that part time. Once he starts making money, he can get a place that has a garage which he can convert into a gym. Not sure why he would feel so defeated. Maybe he just needs some medical attention, and some therapy to get him confident enough to meet his goals and have a happy life. 

Tell him he doesn't have to be a pharmacist forever...he can work it until he can build a successful business doing what he loves. 

Many famous people started out as teachers or carpenters to pay the bills while they pursued there dreams

[Seraphim]

This is far above your pay grade. When my husband was suicidal I took him directly to the hospital and he was hospitalized until stable . 

[Coily]

This is definitely a hard time for him to deal with. The big thing right now is to keep encouraging and listening to him, until it starts taking a toll on you; then you must stop.

He needs someone he can be open with, if he is having suicidal ideation then a professional is needed. If that is the route he needs or wants, you can offer him rides or other forms of inactive support.

I wouldn't push him to take the exam, but bring it up in a mix of other things he needs to consider exploring.

[JaneShin]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

This is far above your pay grade. When my husband was suicidal I took him directly to the hospital and he was hospitalized until stable . 

I totally agree with you. But the thing is he doesn’t have health insurance. And even if I offered to pay he would tell me counseling is a waste of time as it doesn’t solve real problems- which is him not having enough to survive. 

[JaneShin]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is all on him....he has to figure it out. I agree being a pharmacist is what's going to pay the bills. He doesn't have to give up on his love for training, he can do that part time. Once he starts making money, he can get a place that has a garage which he can convert into a gym. Not sure why he would feel so defeated. Maybe he just needs some medical attention, and some therapy to get him confident enough to meet his goals and have a happy life. 

Tell him he doesn't have to be a pharmacist forever...he can work it until he can build a successful business doing what he loves. 

Many famous people started out as teachers or carpenters to pay the bills while they pursued there dreams

How do you suggest I bring up pharmacy to him? Should I just sit down and talk about it or suggest it? I just don’t want to trigger him as he’s been very sensitive and vulnerable lately

[JaneShin]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

First off, if he's truly suicidal he's beyond your ability to help. He needs immediate assistance from trained professionals. Please tell him you're concerned and that you hope he chooses to get some help if he is indeed to the point of contemplating harming himself. 

Second, if he doesn't want to be a pharmacist it would seem insensitive to tell him you think he should be one. Maybe it seems like the perfect solution to you, but if that's what he wanted he would have pursued it on his own. You telling him to be a pharmacist could feel like another rejection and I don't think he needs that right now. 

What you could do is reassure him you're on his side and you will support him emotionally, whatever he chooses, and that you aren't going anywhere.

Got you that’s what I’m worried about too. But for me at this point I’m at loss on what to do. 
I’m willing to take him to therapy but I know he’s gonna reject it right away and tell me how it’s not gonna solve the real problems he has 😕

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

Got you that’s what I’m worried about too. But for me at this point I’m at loss on what to do. 
I’m willing to take him to therapy but I know he’s gonna reject it right away and tell me how it’s not gonna solve the real problems he has 😕

You "know" this? Why not at least try? 

And I completely disagree with pushing him toward pharmacy. If he wanted to be a pharmacist he would be one. 

[JaneShin]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

You "know" this? Why not at least try? 

And I completely disagree with pushing him toward pharmacy. If he wanted to be a pharmacist he would be one. 

Ok I will sit down and suggest therapy next time I see him. I’m just scared honestly he would get angry and shut me down immediately. I will try to be careful when I bring it up. 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

My (24F) bf (35M) has been struggling financially for over a year.  He has been struggling even more with bills, rent, and food. He is very hardworking, but he earns a minimum wage. Last week, I bought him groceries and took him out to eat because I found out he was starving. . I live with my family and working full time and will go back to school in two months

Sorry this is happening. Dating is not social work. It's not your job to fix and change men like this.

Are you sure he's not threatening suicide to extort money from you? After all his own parents got sick of his pipedreams and parasitic lifestyle and asked him to leave.

He could go to social services for housing assistance, food stamps, career training, employment assistance as well as healthcare including mental health care.

What do trusted friends and family think of this situation, especially since you're living at home and they're supporting you?  You should worry about supporting yourself and your own future rather than having your parents support you so you can support men like this.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

Ok I will sit down and suggest therapy next time I see him. I’m just scared honestly he would get angry and shut me down immediately. I will try to be careful when I bring it up. 

You don't need to "suggest therapy". I would word it more like "It worries me when you talk about not wanting to be here anymore. You know I love you and that's why I worry. Do you really feel like life isn't worth living?" Give him a chance to respond. If he shuts down or refuses to discuss it, say something like "I understand you aren't comfortable talking about this with me. I just hope you choose to find other ways of dealing with the stress you're under. I know there are people you can talk to and I hope that's what you choose to do."

Your go to seems to be "suggesting" he do this or that. Instead of controlling behaviors, try to be more supportive. 

[Coily]

Op, ignore some of the malicious advice. In a moment like this you need to navigate the next few days, not have this painted as you being an ATM by some here.

[JaneShin]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Dating is not social work. It's not your job to fix and change men like this.

Are you sure he's not threatening suicide to extort money from you? After all his own parents got sick of his pipedreams and parasitic lifestyle and asked him to leave.

He could go to social services for housing assistance, food stamps, career training, employment assistance as well as healthcare including mental health care.

What do trusted friends and family think of this situation, especially since you're living at home and they're supporting you?  You should worry about supporting yourself and your own future rather than having your parents support you so you can support men like this.

I see your point but I’m sure he’s not trying to get money from me. Especially in past he would always step to take me on dates and respect me as a woman a lot. He also has never asked me for money, I offered to pay groceries.

Besides living with them my parents don’t support me. I live with them because in my culture it’s normal we live with our parents until we’re married. If anything I was able to save and buy a house and rent it. my parents are happy I live with them and get to save. 
 

He left him mom on his own because I know until this day she is trying to rebuild his relationship with him (I met her a few times) and if anything she wants him to live with her as she lives in a big house by herself currently. I do know my bf is prideful though 

[JaneShin]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't need to "suggest therapy". I would word it more like "It worries me when you talk about not wanting to be here anymore. You know I love you and that's why I worry. Do you really feel like life isn't worth living?" Give him a chance to respond. If he shuts down or refuses to discuss it, say something like "I understand you aren't comfortable talking about this with me. I just hope you choose to find other ways of dealing with the stress you're under. I know there are people you can talk to and I hope that's what you choose to do."

Your go to seems to be "suggesting" he do this or that. Instead of controlling behaviors, try to be more supportive. 

This is really helpful thanks a lot. You’re right I need to learn to be more supportive because more than anything I don’t want to lose him. Really appreciate it

[JaneShin]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

Op, ignore some of the malicious advice. In a moment like this you need to navigate the next few days, not have this painted as you being an ATM by some here.

Thanks will do. Do you have any advice what to do? I don’t know I’m just at loss right now and feel really heartbroken 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JaneShin said:

 His mom got upset and threw away his training equipment. This really hit him hard and he ended up leaving and living in his car for two weeks before we started dating.

How did you meet? Who paid for his education? Why didn't he bother taking the licensing exam?  Throwing away a good education in favor of being a YouTuber or tktoker doesn't really reveal ambition or resilience.

Please remember he's not your project and he needs to stand on his own two feet rather than be infantalized. Step away from the handouts. He can always go live with his mother and go to food pantries. 

[JaneShin]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you meet? Who paid for his education? Why didn't he bother taking the licensing exam?  Throwing away a good education in favor of being a YouTuber or tktoker doesn't really reveal ambition or resilience.

Please remember he's not your project and he needs to stand on his own two feet rather than be infantalized. Step away from the handouts. He can always go live with his mother and go to food pantries. 

We met at our local gym. 
for his education, his parents (mom and stepdad) paid for him as he promised his mom he will get his pharm degree. 
I don’t have the full story but from what he told me he was suicidal last year of pharmacy and training saved his life as it’s something he looked forward to. His parents got divorced around the time he graduated and he had mentioned to me had his parents not divorced he would’ve probably been a practicing pharmacist (idk why). 
He grew up dirt poor and his mom was able to build the family up and built them wealth (which is why she was able to afford to pay his degree out of pocket). So in retrospect I see why she was upset. 
 

I understand he’s not my project but it also tears me apart to see him thinking like that and struggling. I don’t want to conveniently leave him when he’s at his worst as he’s my partner after all. I don’t know, really.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

.He grew up dirt poor and his mom was able to build the family up and built them wealth . I don’t want to conveniently leave him when he’s at his worst as he’s my partner after all. I don’t know, really.

No one is suggesting you leave him, but please stop bribing him and offering handouts. No one wants to feel like a project or helpless child. 

[JaneShin]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one is suggesting you leave him, but please stop bribing him and offering handouts. No one wants to feel like a project or helpless child. 

Got you ok I will try to do that. I’m just worried about his mental health at this point. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, JaneShin said:

Got you ok I will try to do that. I’m just worried about his mental health at this point. 

Of course you are. That's understandable.

But if he was suicidal his last year of pharmacy school, why would you think telling him to be a pharmacist is a good idea? I don't understand that at all. 

You can't fix any of this for him. He has to decide what's best for him. That is why I suggested stepping down from the "Ms. Fix It" parenting role and just be supportive. He isn't depressed just to upset you, you know. He's likely suffering, so while I understand it's hard for you to see, it's not about you. 

[Coily]

58 minutes ago, JaneShin said:

Thanks will do. Do you have any advice what to do? I don’t know I’m just at loss right now and feel really heartbroken 

I agree with Bolt, you can't fix him nor should you try. Right now the biggest things you can do is listen to him, let him feel that he's not alone or stuck in a cycle. This isn't "fixing" this isn't playing social worker, or anything else that is being gaslight to you right now. He has been feeling alone, isolated and terrified.

No that's not you acting as a therapist, it's you caring. Don't let him wallow or drag you down with him, but be there. That's what he needs the most, someone who is there, not because they're paid to be there. Sometimes people need to see the open barrel top when they are scraping the bottom of it.

Patience, compassion, and letting him know that there's more to life, that's the best things you can do.

 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, JaneShin said:

Ok I will sit down and suggest therapy next time I see him. I’m just scared honestly he would get angry and shut me down immediately. I will try to be careful when I bring it up. 

If gets angry and shuts you down, then he is wanting something, but you will have to ask him, what does he want, and what kind of support does he feels is needed. Let him talk and work through it. You say "Ok so you want this to happen...what is your plan to reach this goal? maybe I can make a suggestion.....""maybe you need to do this as a first step to get this goal." 

I think his deal is that he's afraid of failure. His confidence is low...threatening to kill himself just could be a way of him having a tantrum because this is not what he wants. I believe he knows what he has to do, he's just pouting hard about it. 

[Seraphim]

When my husband was suicidal the 3 times he was it was fear of failure ultimately and feeling isolated and picked on in the work place . For many men monetary failure is not an option and their work is who they are . He obviously wants to be a fitness instructor, not a pharmacist. I understand his need to be one thing and that is it . My husband wants to be in the military bar nothing . He wanted no other career PERIOD. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JaneShin said:

 his parents (mom and stepdad) paid for him as he promised his mom he will get his pharm degree.  had his parents not divorced he would’ve probably been a practicing pharmacist 

It sounds like he had everything handed to him on a silver platter but rebelled because of his parents divorce. This is not your issue to fix. He can live with his mother and get mental healthcare. It's unfair to burden you with the task of his well-being and mental health when he's made his poor choices.