Confirm my feelings

[marmar]

So I feel that I don't actually want this guy even though he took my virginity. I've been reflecting on the experience. When I talked with him about it, he said to me,

"You don't need to tell your parents when we have sex. Husbands and wives have sex and they don't tell their parents. Don't be afraid of sex. You won't be afraid. I desire sex with you. What do you do, when you desire sex with me? Tell me without fear! Don't you want me to be happy?"

Well, something about that verbal exchange made me feel not good. Was I wrong in my feeling?

[boltnrun]

This is the guy you told your family had raped you?

This guy?

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/459383-should-i-get-back-with-this-guy/#comment-5855010

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, marmar said:

So I feel that I don't actually want this guy even though he took my virginity.  I talked with him about it, he said to me,

"You don't need to tell your parents when we have sex. Husbands and wives have sex and they don't tell their parents. Don't be afraid of sex. You won't be afraid. I desire sex with you. What do you do, when you desire sex with me? Tell me without fear! Don't you want me to be happy?"

It sounds like he's convincing you and at the end he tells the truth that's it's about he's selfish and you should feel guilty. But he didn't rape you and he didn't "take your virginity", you had consensual sex, regretted it and told your parent's a lie.  Please take responsibility for your actions. If you don't like the guy fine,stop seeing him. 

 

[marmar]

I don't feel I wanted to have sex with him or that I consented. In the moment he didn't ask me if I wanted to have sex and just started doing it before I could even react. We were sitting on a couch not in a bed. We weren't even really making out we were just sitting there. He didn't take off his clothes. I was wearing a dress. He took off my underwear and before long I felt him penetrate me. He didn't ask. I never even saw his penis. I just felt it inside me and that was how I figured out he was having sex with me. The whole time I was scared and wanted it to stop, but he seemed happy and didn't seem to notice.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, marmar said:

. He took off my underwear and before long I felt him penetrate me. 

Why didn't you get up and go home when this happened? Your consent may have been implied by sticking around and letting him take your clothes off. 

[ShySoul]

Sex should be a willing act for both persons involved. If you didn't want it before and don't want it now, then don't have it. You made very clear before that you wanted to wait for marriage. So stick to that belief and don't give in. Any man who is worth your time will respect that and not try to pressure you into something you aren't comfortable with. If there is any hesitation or doubt in your mind, then you shouldn't be having sex. That's all there is to it. When you are ready you will know. Clearly, you are hesitating, so you shouldn't be having it and if he doesn't respect that, he is not someone you should be with.

As for what he said, you are not husband and wife. It doesn't sound like you fear sex, just that you want to wait to have it. And he is making it all about making him happy. What about what makes you happy? He doesn't seem to care about what you want, which is a warning sign. Stop seeing him, for everyone's sake. 

[ShySoul]

Marmar, if that is what happened, then you have every right to be upset with him. How old are you? How much experience do you have with being physically close to a guy? Sounds like you were scared and froze. That's not consent in any form. 

If a guy is willing to act in a way that scares you, doesn't ask permission or care if you are a willing participant, and then pressures you into to doing it again in order to please him.... Why would you want him anywhere near you? A man should be doing everything he can to make a woman feel loved, safe, and secure. He should want her to want to share those experiences together, in a way that they both can enjoy. You deserve better.

[Jaunty]

You really need to block this person, delete all their contact information, and have no more contact with them ever.   This is a situation that needs to go no further.

Please tell your family that he did not rape you.  You are probably really messing yourself up by carrying around the burden of this falsehood.  

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why didn't you get up and go home when this happened? Your consent may have been implied by sticking around and letting him take your clothes off. 

Because most often victims of assault freeze or fawn. It's not so simple to get up and walk away. Very few know how to fight a man when caught off guard and in danger.

OP, the line is blurred here. I think you absolutely need to cut ties with him and seek support/therapy. If you deem this was consensual, please come clean to your family. If you deem it wasn't consensual, then please seek support. If you think he's gaslighting you, then again, cut ties and forget about him. He doesn't sound like a great catch honestly considering his behaviour. You need to move on. Block and delete this number in ALL cases.

[Batya33]

I froze when I was kissed and touched by a coworker without consent.  I get that.  But it's blurry as far as whether the person has to ask verbally if you're allowing your underwear to come off then allowing the intercourse to continue. 

Have sex with people you desire to have sex with.  Otherwise do not.  The end.  I wouldn't interact with this person anymore as he wants to have sex again, you do not, and he obviously doesn't care how you feel. 

[smackie9]

It shouldn't have happened but it did. Can't change the past but you do have control what happens right now. Stop all contact with this person. You had unprotected sex so you need to get tested for STDs. Go seek medical testing. If he gets aggressive/harasses you, and you feel threatened, tell your parents. 

[marmar]

I'm now thinking that regardless of whether it was rape or not, I felt absolutely terrible and ill from it, and even so, I really do feel that he made me do something that was against my values and beliefs. I feel that sex before marriage is wrong and he ignored that and made me do it with him.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, marmar said:

I'm now thinking that regardless of whether it was rape or not, I felt absolutely terrible and ill from it, and even so, I really do feel that he made me do something that was against my values and beliefs. I feel that sex before marriage is wrong and he ignored that and made me do it with him.

Then block him from contacting you. You are not required to keep seeing him. 

[Jaunty]

This guy may have used coercive tactics to manipulate you into having sex, but it doesn't help you to accuse him of rape or to hang on to the idea that he "made" you do it. 

I'm very sorry that you did have sex against your better judgement and that the experience has hurt you.   

It's now time to stop thinking about this guy, definitely cut all contact, and move on.   In your future be sure to check how you are really feeling about getting sexual with a new person and do NOT do it if you are not 100% certain it's what you want to do.  

If it is not, say NO and remove yourself from the situation.  Do NOT put yourself in situations again with that person going forward.

[catfeeder]

On 4/8/2024 at 8:44 PM, marmar said:

So I feel that I don't actually want this guy...

Trust your feeling on this. You're not obligated to him. Find someone who makes you happy.

[Coily]

There a two things here I don't like.

He is very pushy about sex, and sounds like a groomer. He is not a good guy from the comment of his, and you should put yourself very far away from him.

The other is this murkiness about this sexual encounter the two of you had. You seem a little reluctant to either stick with forcible penetration (aka rape), or that you have regret due to your values and him being pushy.

Either way is this the kind of dude-bro wastrel you want to spend more time with? Wouldn't you rather find someone who values line up with yours? Who you want to have sex with and feel no shame about it?

[yogacat]

I don't wish to discount your feelings, but from the story you portray, it might be difficult for another less biased reader to consider there was no simulation of any kind on your part.

I mean you are saying he fulfilled his own desire without much participation on your part. And then you were "scared". Really?

The entire, and only thing you are squeezing out is "scared"? Sure nobody is going to put up his or her hand and discuss what might have happened if any simulation was going on within the scene, but YOU were "scared" before it started, during the entire process and well afterwards too? If you can distinctly remember any of the past frame of mind then so to can you remember any simulation presented with him sitting on top of your lap for any length of time during the prior fraternization. Nope, not intentional here, but instantaneous here.

The question IS: Do you really feel he just pulled down your underwear with the other hand, un-dressed without getting the substance from your reactions and then suddenly he became relaxed but you continued to feel dread while he relished? Did he have such bad eyesight that he could not read your expressions, and he was just to "happy" to read any expression at that stage and so close up?

I'm not saying you agreed to sex with him but saying you were scared.

It is also deeply concerning and inappropriate that he mentioned not telling your parents about the encounter and trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty for not wanting to have sex. This is a red flag for potential emotional manipulation and coercion. 

We cannot determine if this experience was rape or not as that is a legal term that requires specific actions and intentions. He's for sure an egghead.

[Andrina]

This is what you wrote on Mar. 23: Part of me is wanting to get back with him. I almost feel as though I just want to forgive him and date him again. He seems he may be a good guy just that we accidentally had sex and maybe he just didn't realize I wasn't ready or whatever. I don't know if I can love anyone else. He seemed like a good guy and he really wants me. I felt scared of him for a long time but I'm wondering if I should just forget that and try again with him.

On 4/8/2024 at 11:52 PM, marmar said:

We weren't even really making out we were just sitting there. He didn't take off his clothes. I was wearing a dress. He took off my underwear and before long I felt him penetrate me. He didn't ask. I never even saw his penis. I just felt it inside me and that was how I figured out he was having sex with me. The whole time I was scared and wanted it to stop, but he seemed happy and didn't seem to notice.

From what I know of female bodies, a woman has to be aroused for a man to easily slip inside her. If she is not consenting, not lubricated, the process would involve a man jamming himself inside and that would be very painful. 

Your back and forth of opposing statements that cancel each other out shows you're too confused to wisely date at this given time. In reading everything you wrote, I'm going to guess that because you prized your virginity, you're trying to blame someone else for putting you in a position to let happen what you weren't mentally prepared for, so that you don't feel guilty for being what you consider "bad." Plus, considering giving him a second chance might be your way to turn  the loss of your virginity into something substantial so that it counts for something special--a longterm, serious relationship.

From what he said, he's not good boyfriend material, and neither are you good gf material at the moment, so it's no wonder this has been disastrous and continues to be.

You've spoken of your mental issues, so return to therapy if you're not presently attending sessions. Do not date again until you can voice not wanting a man to touch you or be intimate with you. It's a good idea to not be in the privacy of a house or hotel room with a man too early in the dating process, so that you're not either giving in to a lack of willpower when there is chemistry, or when you don't know a man well enough to know if he will refrain from coercing you to do things you don't want to do.

I would've given you the benefit of the doubt for being a victim if more things made sense. Just the fact you believe he seemed like a good guy in what I've quoted, and thought you should give him a second chance, goes against what the average woman who was truly raped would be saying or thinking. The average woman would be throwing up at the thought of him, shaking, and would never be texting back and forth with a rapist. Even your parents didn't call the authorities or convince you to go to a hospital for a swab, which I would assume parents who believed their child would've done. 

Please speak to your therapist about how to navigate in life more safely and wisely. You'll not have success in romance until you achieve a better mental state.

 

[marmar]

The whole situation was very messed up for me. I became very very ill. Yes, my parents originally did not believe me. They actually didn't think we even had sex and assumed I was making stuff up because of my mental health. So at first I wasn't getting their support and my mom was wanting me to get back with the guy because she thought he loved me and that nothing inappropriate happened. The most heartbreaking part about it was my father's reaction, he said he didn't care. So I felt very confused for the longest time. Now, I replay what happened in his house every single day. It was a terrible experience for me. The entire time he seemed happy and afterwards he seemed to not understand my emotions about it and was saying he loved me for the longest time.

[marmar]

I forgot to add that after the sex started, although I was in shock, it was so sudden, I attempted to remove myself from the situation. I told him I wanted to go home, which he seemed to not hear or not understand. I asked to go to the bathroom, which he then allowed, but then he went back to doing the sex again. I tried to move my body away and towards the end covered my vagina with my hands but he said "don't leave me hear like this" moved my hands and continued until he finished.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, marmar said:

. I asked to go to the bathroom, which he then allowed, but then he went back to doing the sex again

While im the bathroom, why not get dressed and leave or call someone to come get you rather than go back for more? It's unfortunate you regret the experience but lying about crimes is wrong. Why does your mother want you to date him? 

[marmar]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

While im the bathroom, why not get dressed and leave or call someone to come get you rather than go back for more? It's unfortunate you regret the experience but lying about crimes is wrong. Why does your mother want you to date him? 

I was in a state of shock when it was going on, I wasn't ready to have sex with him nor was I expecting to have sex with him. And I didn't know how to leave the situation. My mom wanted me to date him because she was under the impression he was in love with me but at the time, she hadn't believed me when I told her about the experience. I didn't actually end up reporting him or anything although at first I had asked my parents if they could but they didn't (because of them not believing me). Then I was terrified of the guy for a long time and ill even though yes I was also questioning everything that had happened and everything about my feelings about the guy.

[marmar]

I didn't have my phone in the bathroom, I was alone with this guy in his house, I know it was a mistake to go there in the first place. Not only was I alone with him but I was also a bit freaked out by his neighborhood. My car was parked a bit far off. I know made dumb decisions leading up to it. But I had liked him a lot at first so I trusted him too much. It was also not my first time in his house, my first time in his house he had directly asked if I would sleep with him on his bed but when I had said no he had respected that after a while, I was not expecting him to suddenly have sex with me the next time I came to visit.

[Jaunty]

How old are you?

How long ago did this happen?   Are you on any birth control?  Did he use protection?  Did you get checked for STD's after?

I understand that you did not go into this situation as an enthusiastic willing participant, but what was your thought process after you went to the bathroom?  You had to return and sit back down on his lap.   That does seem like quite direct participation.  

 

 

[ShySoul]

On 4/10/2024 at 11:14 AM, marmar said:

I'm now thinking that regardless of whether it was rape or not, I felt absolutely terrible and ill from it, and even so, I really do feel that he made me do something that was against my values and beliefs. I feel that sex before marriage is wrong and he ignored that and made me do it with him.

Unfortunately, rape seems to be a very emotionally charged term that has distracted from the real issue here. We can all debate rather or not it was technically rape, what actions each person took or who holds responsibilty for what. But the important issue here is the emotions and feelings you have about that incident. If it was against your will and is making you feel ill, then it was wrong. Period. That's all you need to know. A person that makes you feel that bad is not someone you should have any contact with.

1 hour ago, marmar said:

I know made dumb decisions leading up to it. But I had liked him a lot at first so I trusted him too much

You weren't dumb. You made a mistake and trusted someone you shouldn't have. People do it all the time, especially if they are younger or don't have much experience. And I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing. The things he was saying are designed to manipulate your emotions. So as it was happening you didn't know what do. Your mind and emotions are split in two directions, wanting to trust the person you thought you knew but scared of what this person is doing right now. This isn't your fault and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. 

I'm also sorry and troubled that your parents didn't believe you. It sounds like you haven't recieved the support and concern that someone in your position should be getting. Is there anyone you can go to with this? Anyone who can help you and will actually believe and listen to you? Not just with this, but for your overall mental well being it sounds like you need someone to be a support system and help you through whatever is going on.