Confirm my feelings

[marmar]

My thought process was I was alone with this guy and I didn't know what he could do to me. You weren't there I didn't sit on his lap....no I wasn't on birth control but no I didn't get pregnant. As to him I have no idea, I tell you I didn't see his thing he didn't show me I could just feel him doing it. Another reason why I was feeling very confused as this was my first time. Next day he denied that we had sex, he only told me it was sex a long while later like months later (yes I was confused for months). I'm in my late 20s and previous guys I dated never rushed into sex like that or even asked for sex. I barely knew the guy we only had a few meetings before this happened. This happened a year ago.

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

From what I know of female bodies, a woman has to be aroused for a man to easily slip inside her. If she is not consenting, not lubricated, the process would involve a man jamming himself inside and that would be very painful. 

From what I've heard the body can become sexually aroused and react accordingly, even if the person is scared to death. There can exist a disconnect between the mind and body. 

https://theestablishment.co/i-didnt-want-to-be-aroused-by-my-sexual-assault-but-i-was/index.html

"As it turns out, many individuals describe feeling arousal and pleasure during sexual assaults. In one study—“Problems With Sexuality After Sexual Assault”—21% of women said they had a “physical response” to their assaults, and 10% felt attracted to their perpetrators. Additional research and clinical reports suggest that four to five percent of women have reported orgasm during sexual assault, but the numbers could be higher because people may not report this, according to a paper in the Journal of Clinical Forensic Medicine."

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

Just the fact you believe he seemed like a good a guy in what I've quoted, and thought you should give him a second chance, goes against what the average woman who was truly raped would be saying or thinking. The average woman would be throwing up at the thought of him, shaking, and would never be texting back and forth with a rapist. Even your parents didn't call the authorities or convince you to go to a hospital for a swab, which I would assume parents who believed their child would've done. 

A lot of this is how so many guys can get away with rape/sexual assualt with no consequences. A woman convinces herself that he is really a good guy (based off of manipulative things he has said to them) so it was a mistake and he didn't really mean it or it didn't really happen that way. Some women convince themselves that they were responsible. And a lot of times women get told they were responsible or are lying. Some people don't have a good support system to encourage them to take action. Even when reported, there is a huge backlog in processing rape kits, so justice can be delayed and denied for ages. 

[ShySoul]

Marmar, none of us here are professionals on this topic. If you want help please go here: https://www.rainn.org/. They can help you far better as the whole point of the organization is to raise awareness of sexual assault/rape. They can advise what your options are or point you in the right direction. They can help you through whatever emotions you might be feeling. April is actually Sexually Assualt Survivors and Prevention Month, so I'm sure they would be happy to assist you.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, marmar said:

 You weren't there I didn't sit on his lap....

I'm sorry, you had written "we were just sitting there" and then you were having sex.  So when you returned from the bathroom I assumed that you went back to "sitting there" and having sex.  It's kind of hard to follow, I realize you are confused.  

In any case, do you agree that this guy is best left in your past?   

[boltnrun]

Tell him you want nothing to do with him, then block him. 

Are you still seeing a therapist? If so, I advise you to discuss with them your conflicting feelings, where you go from being frightened of him to believing you "love" him. If you're not in therapy I strongly advise you to start up again.