My friend is pregnant after knowing him for 2 months....

[Fairy1111111]

My friend (28F) and I (28F) have been friends for more than 7 years and roommates for about 2 years. We've encountered issues while living together, primarily due to her emotional and physical dependence. I've raised concerns about the unequal distribution of household chores and her clinginess, especially when she's single or in a new relationship. Whilst living together I did 98% of the cooking and she not contributed in terms of cooking at all. And if we were to clean, we would have to clean together which created a lot of mental stress for me. 

She exhibits signs of anxious attachment and often turns to me or her other friends for support. However, when she's in a relationship, she becomes overly dependent on her partner. Despite her insecurities, she recently became pregnant after only 2 months with her current boyfriend, with whom she's had conflicts due to her insecurities and immature behavior. Her current boyfriend now has only started his labour job 2 weeks ago when he was unemployed for more than 1 year.

She struggles with communication, often avoiding criticism and resorting to her phone during difficult conversations. This behavior is concerning, particularly considering her pregnancy. While I've assured her of my support, I worry about her ability to care for the baby given her current struggles with self-care and communication with her boyfriend.

Additionally, she tends to prioritize her relationship over her other responsibilities, including caring for her dog, which often falls to me. I feel responsible for her dog's well-being and have taken on most of the responsibility for caring for him in recent weeks.

Last night, during their argument around midnight, she became insecure and began verbally attacking him. He eventually left without notice, perhaps needing space, and returned to his own place. Realizing he was gone, she frantically called him numerous times and even drove to his house at 4 am, insisting he come back home. This behavior, including calling him repeatedly, occurred while she is pregnant, adding to the complexity of the situation.

I want to approach her about my concerns without causing defensiveness, but I'm unsure how to ensure she's making the best decision regarding her pregnancy. I have advised her I will support whatever decision she makes. However, I don't know if she's making this decision due to her age. As she had countless of times where she would solo drink and cry because she is almost 30 and is not married yet. 
I think that she just doesn't fully know how to look after herself and their way of planning right now, doesn't even seem like it's for the baby as they are already planning to get married which the boyfriend had to remortgage his moms home (which his mother is old) to pay for her ring and their wedding. 
 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Fairy1111111 said:

, she recently became pregnant after only 2 months with her current boyfriend,  they are already planning to get married which the boyfriend had to remortgage his moms home to pay for her ring and their wedding. 

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully she will move out soon. Have you started to look for a replacement roommate?

Unfortunately you two don't seem to get along at all. Hopefully you can find a better fit as far as responsibility and compatible personalities.

[Fairy1111111]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully she will move out soon. Have you started to look for a replacement roommate?

Unfortunately you two don't seem to get along at all. Hopefully you can find a better fit as far as responsibility and compatible personalities.

Thank you! 
 

I am planning to move back to my mums house for a year so I can start saving and stuff again. 
 

but the thing is, her boyfriend is telling me that they had decided to keep the baby and they are planning to get married etc. 

 

but my friend she has not yet mentioned anything to me at all, and being secretive? 
 

im not sure if it's because we all don't really like her and her boyfriend together because he doesn't really have the best reputation as he got another girl pregnant couple of months before her and he is struggling financially himself . 

 

I do want to move out but haven't had the opportunity to talk to her as it seems like almost she's avoiding me. And she also has told me herself that she's going to keep the baby. 
 

can someone help if I should just find a house first and then tell her after? Or tell her now that I am in the process of finding a new place? (As I also need to move to a new place with my mom - a bigger space etc) 

 

 

[Batya33]

I think it's time to keep your distance from this person in every way because you're highly critical of her and resentful. And you also care and worry about her -so for that part I'd offer to help her find resources related to her pregnancy or parenthood if she asks you.  Perhaps if she asks you to go to a pregnancy appointment with her, go with and keep her company -but I think your emotions towards her are too negative for you to be this close to her.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Fairy1111111 said:

Thank you! 
 

I am planning to move back to my mums house for a year so I can start saving and stuff again. 
 

but the thing is, her boyfriend is telling me that they had decided to keep the baby and they are planning to get married etc. 

 

but my friend she has not yet mentioned anything to me at all, and being secretive? 
 

im not sure if it's because we all don't really like her and her boyfriend together because he doesn't really have the best reputation as he got another girl pregnant couple of months before her and he is struggling financially himself . 

 

I do want to move out but haven't had the opportunity to talk to her as it seems like almost she's avoiding me. And she also has told me herself that she's going to keep the baby. 
 

can someone help if I should juI'st find a house first and then tell her after? Or tell her now that I am in the process of finding a new place? (As I also need to move to a new place with my mom - a bigger space etc) 

 

 

I'd abide by what you two agreed to as far as notice and the financial aspects.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Fairy1111111 said:

I am planning to move back to my mums house for a year so I can start saving and stuff again. Can someone help if I should just find a house first and then tell her after?  I also need to move to a new place with my mom - a bigger space 

That's a great idea. Work things out with your mother and when you have a definitive date, give your roommates) landlord adequate notice. 

As far as her BF and pregnancy, that's really her business and issue to figure out. 

[itsallgrand]

Just focus on your end and figuring out when you can move. Once you do that, let her know and give the notice you need to. 

I'd keep out of it as much as possible meanwhile. 

This is a dumpster ready to burst in flames. Don't worry about putting it out, it's her dumpster. Just worry about getting away so you don't end up holding a sack of garbage ...or the baby. 

[HeartGoesOn]

She's a adult who made the choice to get pregnant, despite knowing the consequences of that choice.

I'm sure you have all good intentions, and not to sound harsh yet when all is said and done, she could chew you up and spit you out. 

I would offer her your best advice, wish her the best and walk away.

[HeartGoesOn]

Deleted....

[Fairy1111111]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's time to keep your distance from this person in every way because you're highly critical of her and resentful. And you also care and worry about her -so for that part I'd offer to help her find resources related to her pregnancy or parenthood if she asks you.  Perhaps if she asks you to go to a pregnancy appointment with her, go with and keep her company -but I think your emotions towards her are too negative for you to be this close to her.

I think it is from past resentment that I am still carrying on at the moment. 
 

I think it's just because her last ex told me to basically leave my own home every 1 weekend of the month so that they can spend quality time. 
I think it's just a lot of other things involved that makes me feel this this way. But I do want to talk to her but every time I talk to her she forgets everything 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Fairy1111111 said:

...but my friend she has not yet mentioned anything to me at all, and being secretive? 
im not sure if it's because we all don't really like her and her boyfriend together

Yes, people can pick up on disapproval pretty easily, and she likely doesn't want to hear what you want to say.

So, that lets you off whatever hook you've imagined yourself to be on. Giving someone negative feedback about their life choices is not an obligation, and it's usually not even welcome--so don't do it. It's not as though there's anything you can say that will prompt her to respond, "Eureka! I never thought of that, and I'm so grateful that you think so little of me..."

Skip it, handle your own lease obligations with your landlord, and inform any roommates who will be impacted. Beyond that, I'd keep my nose out of this woman's business and part on the best possible terms. No drama!

[Tinydance]

Your friend sounds very co-dependent but the problem is, you have actually been contributing to that. You've been enabling her by taking care of her, her dog, doing all the chores and cooking, etc. She's not your child or even relative so you shouldn't have been doing any of that. In fact when I lived with roommates, we only cooked our own food and that's it. You have no obligation at all to cook for a housemate. You really should have been more firm and told her to do everything herself, or asked her to move out, or moved yourself. I understand she's your friend but that doesn't mean you have to act like her mother. This is actually a sure way to lose the friendship because it builds resentment and makes things worse.

I think you're too involved in your friend's life way above and beyond what a normal friend would be. She's nearly 30 years old and this is her life. I don't really understand why you're asking what to do about her pregnancy or how she will care for the baby because this doesn't relate to you. She's a grown woman and she's decided to keep the baby. The boyfriend is still with her and wants to have the baby. It's not for you to worry about how they're going to raise the baby because it's not your child or family. Like, it's not your niece or nephew so you actually don't need to be involved with this at all.

If you see something like abuse or neglect of some kind, then you could call social services or child protection out of concern. But otherwise it's not your job to be worrying about where your friend will live or how she'll raise the baby, etc. You are actually moving out so really your involvement with any of this can just stop. Live your life and she will live hers. Maybe she make bad choices but it's her choices and you don't need to get involved or do anything l.

[Starlight925]

Yes, you are dependent upon each other.

She needs to attach to someone and glue all of her problems and emotions onto that person.

You need to be needed.

You have a need for this focused attention, this scenario of being her complete world.   She can't even clean the home without you.  

Instead of being disgusted by this barnacle-attached friend, you crave it.

And now that she has a boyfriend and is pregnant, she is clinging barnacle-style to him, and this hurts you.

You are trying to stay in the middle of her life with all of these questions, all of this analysis, while she's looking over there, at someone else, to fill her every need.

This isn't healthy for either of you.

Serve out the terms of your lease and move out.

[Fairy1111111]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's time to keep your distance from this person in every way because you're highly critical of her and resentful. And you also care and worry about her -so for that part I'd offer to help her find resources related to her pregnancy or parenthood if she asks you.  Perhaps if she asks you to go to a pregnancy appointment with her, go with and keep her company -but I think your emotions towards her are too negative for you to be this close to her.

I think it is from past resentment that I am still carrying on at the moment. 
 

I think it's just because her last ex told me to basically leave my own home every 1 weekend of the month so that they can spend quality time. 
I think it's just a lot of other things involved that makes me feel this this way. But I do want to talk to her but every time I talk to her she forgets everything 

[MissCanuck]

You're enabling her and far too involved in keeping her life together. 

It's time to stop your own bad habits. It isn't your place to guide her decisions here, and she's not stupid. She might be emotionally messy, but I guarantee she isn't "forgetting" what you say. She just doesn't agree and doesn't want to hear it. 

You need to put a lot of distance there and stop trying to run her life for her. She is an adult and has to make her own choices. Focus instead on getting your own space so you don't live together anymore. This friendship isn't healthy for either of you. 

[Kwothe28]

Man, what a huge mess. I wouldnt be surprised if she got pregnant on purpose so she could get marry lol

Anyway, no and no on talking or taking any actions. You are not her mother and you are not responsible for her. You are just her roomate. If she wants to bang her head against the wall, let her do it. You have to understand that you wouldnt be doing anything. You wont make her change her mind about anything and she would still do the same. All you would be doing is make drama, but now also for yourself. Protect yourself from her and not entagle yourself there. Her moving away is a blessing in disguise for your own mental health.

[TeeDee]

Stay out of it.   Tell her when the lease is up that you do not intend to renew it so she has time to make other plans.   As for the baby & her relationship, they are not your business.  Keep your mouth shut.   Keep taking care of the dog but leave the rest of it alone.  Support her from afar, period.