Is it even worth it anymore!

[Dan213]

Hi All!

Im hoping i can get some advice or constructive honest opinions on this matter.

I(M28) and my Partner(36F) seem to be on different pages about our future. First off we have a great relationship overall and have been together for 2 years. We are on great terms and enjoy each others company very much when we meet up and she is an amazing partner overall.

The problem I am facing is that she does't seem all to motivated to want to actually start a proper future with me even though we have discussed this multiple times. She is already a mother and i don't have any children and the main thing I have said to her at the beginning of the relationship is that I would like to have a child. Each time i have brought this up about us trying more to have a child she either says yes and doesn't follow through or she tells me how she is busy and on the weekends when we meet is the only time she can do and to her that is enough. The issue i have with this is that, when i ask to meet her in the week to go out to shops or so, she will make the time to do that, but if i suggest that we try for a child then it becomes a no go. One point she said i was inconsiderate one time for bringing it up when we were out together because 'I should wait' but i was suggesting it so we could try. We are now at a point where I'm meant to be meeting her son more and even that she doesn't even push for, as it was my idea to get it going properly in the first place. Her son likes me as we have met a few times before but it seems like if i don't suggest it then she doesn't bring it up or even plan anything. 

Recently i have started to lose interest in the relationship but i do love her a lot. I have invested soo much into this relationship and have learnt a lot throughout the time we have been together but honestly i am conflicted on this matter and would really love some help thanks.

 

[Capricorn3]

The moment one partner wants children, and the other is not keen about it, that right there is an incompatible partnership.  Also, she's already a mother and also older. Although woman can of course still have children at that age, it does come with more risks the older they get.

In general, it sounds to me like you're way more into her than she is into you.  Maybe time to re-think where this is heading.

[Dan213]

I hear you as it does feel like that at times. Like she does a usual check-in with me daily to see how the day went and such but when it comes to serious topics like this it is seeming like the answer is plain to see but i keep holding out for some odd reason. We have agreed to have one more talk about this but i understand where you are coming from and a re-think about this whole thing may be in order.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Dan213 said:

 . Recently i have started to lose interest in the relationship.  i am conflicted on this matter 

Sorry this is happening. Trust your instincts. She's completed her family and is happy with that. How do you get along with her children? 

After 2 years she is still sidestepping your requests because she is not interested.

As far as "proper future", you're not living together and the relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so bringing up children yet again doesn't seem like it will help much.

[Dan213]

She has one child and we actually get along great in all honesty.

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

As far as "proper future", you're not living together and the relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so bringing up children yet again doesn't seem like it will help much.

But yeah really and truly you are correct. At her age time is not on her side and prolonging the inevitable just doesn't help at all.

Just hurts a lot when you feel like you've been doing everything right and everything you can just to throw it all away. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Dan213 said:

She has one child and we actually get along great in all honesty.

But yeah really and truly you are correct. At her age time is not on her side and prolonging the inevitable just doesn't help at all.

Just hurts a lot when you feel like you've been doing everything right and everything you can just to throw it all away. 

I wouldn't have made it past more than one "each time" -doubt means don't. My ex fiancee and I got back together when I was 39 and he 38 -after almost 8 years apart.  The night we decided to get back together we talked about our goal of marriage and trying for a biological child - this conversation took less than 2 minutes because we were totally on the same page.  Had he wavered at all or me (he was the one who brought up the getting back together and desire for a family -same exact desire as 8 years earlier) - we would have ended things that day.  Yes in large part because of our ages.  We started trying when we were 40.  It took awhile but our son is 15 now!

It's hard enough to be a parent without doubts - and- part of her doubts likely are because she has other children and with the increased risk of a special needs child perhaps she is concerned about not having the time/resources to parent a special needs child.

On a practical level since you are 28 and want kids I'd look for a woman closer to your age so there is less pressure time wise -and who doesn't already have a child. I hope you feel better.

[Coily]

The fact that she is blowing off the very topic of you wanting kids is a huge red flag. She keeps stringing you along, and that's grossly unfair. Eventually there will come a time when you will have to ask yourself what is really beneficial to you in this relationship? Just sex and companionship, or starting your own family?

You clearly want a family, and she'll be content just using you. Time to end this and find a woman who is more in line with you. Because at the end of the day you wanting kids is far more important. 

[TeeDee]

She does not want more kids.  She won't say this because she knows you want kids & if she says no, you may walk away.   

At 36 her time is also running out & getting pregnant won't be as easy as just having sex.  She may need IVF.  Depending on where you live, that is now getting tricker.  

As much as you love each other only you know if this is a deal breaker for you.  So what do you want more -- her or a kid?   you have to choose.  

[smackie9]

IMO she's not being very straight forward. Time to have that heart wrenching conversation, that you know she's not on board with having a child with you and you have made the decision to move on. 

[Betterwithout]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

She does not want more kids.  She won't say this because she knows you want kids & if she says no, you may walk away.   

Sorry OP, but I agree with this  ^

IMO, any hesitation of having kids/not having kids in more than one conversation means you will either need to live with the fact you will be stepdad, but not have a biological child with her.
With you being 8 years younger, that is another element.

Have you considered leaving the relationship before?  This might be the time to have an honest conversation with yourself , especially if you really want a biological child with her.
I would highly suggest start writing a journal....it's amazing what your hand will write when given the avenue.
 

[Dan213]

Thank you everyone for your responses thus far, i really appreciate it. 

I will provide a more general response to everyone's comments.

In regards to the relationship i have spoken to my partner and we have agreed to have a thorough conversion face to face in the coming days. I have found that when we talk over the phone, things don't tend to translate well, but face to face i can get a general response and gauge the atmosphere from there. I have stated in the past to her that i respectfully am not looking to be in this relationship to fill the stepdad role if we don't have a child of our own. Because of this i haven't fully pushed to continuously meet her son as i don't want him and I to get too close for things to just end. I believe that would be quite selfish and a lot to deal with on both sides. 

All in all i have been mentally preparing myself to end things on a mutual note if after our conversation we are not on the same page at all. This I will make sure to stick to irrespective of how hard it may be, as i don't want to be waiting around just because anymore. 

8 hours ago, Betterwithout said:

I would highly suggest start writing a journal....it's amazing what your hand will write when given the avenue.
 

I will also give this a go as i bought a mind journal a while ago but never really used it. Might be time to dust it off and start using it haha.

[ShySoul]

On 3/13/2024 at 3:46 PM, Dan213 said:

I have stated in the past to her that i respectfully am not looking to be in this relationship to fill the stepdad role if we don't have a child of our own.

My father married my mother when she had two boys from prior relationships.

My brother married his second wife when she already had two girls.

My brother in law married my sister when she she already had a boy of her own.

Any of those men would tell you they were not filling a role as stepdad. These were not someone else's children that they just happened to be caring for. Each came to love the children as if they were there own flesh and blood. And the children likewise viewed the man as their dad. Being a dad isn't about the biology of contributing sperm. Basically any male can do that. Being a dad is about caring for and loving that child, wanting the world for them. 

It's great to want a child of your own. I imagine it must be a joy holding the baby and knowing you helped create this life. But there are many avenues to becoming a father and having a family, not just one "proper future." Families come in all sizes and varities. Just something to keep in mind.

[Cherylyn]

No, it's not worth it anymore.  Both of you don't want the same future.  Any time a person is evasive or not serious regarding whatever concerns you, isn't on the same page as you.  Stop wasting more time and energy on her and be with a woman who wants the same things you want such as a child together in your case. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

t's great to want a child of your own. I imagine it must be a joy holding the baby and knowing you helped create this life. But there are many avenues to becoming a father and having a family, not just one "proper future." Families come in all sizes and varities. Just something to keep in mind.

I think it's awesome to know your boundaries about kids before you get involved and no one should be judged.  It's also not a bad thing to reevaluate from time to time.  I dated a single dad - on the first lunch as friends - but we were both interested in each other- he told me his ex was pregnant and due soon.  Her water broke on a night when we had a date planned.  A month or so later.  He cancelled of course.  Next couple of weeks he slept on her couch to help with the baby.  I totally believed -rightly-nothing romantic was going on -AND it made me realize it wasn't for me - the situation.  Then her friends stared me down at a movie theater.  Cumulatively it wasn't gonna happen so I ended it after 2-3 months of dating. His daughter is now 20.  We're in touch as FB friends.  I am so glad I was honest with myself before we got too enmeshed. 

I went on one or two dates with other single dads and it was a main reason I didn't go further.  Just like I wouldn't have dated anyone who wasn't over the moon into trying to have or adopt a baby.  There are many avenues to having a family and that's lovely and the right way to think about it and self-honesty when it comes to a long term relationship is crucial -otherwise often the child suffers/is impacted.