Is this creepy? Red flag?

[jul-els]

It’s kind of a rhetorical question, because I already know what my answer is, and it’s a yes. But I’m curious to see what other people’s opinions (not reactions) might be about it. 

I recently met this woman online and we went out twice. She seems to have what appears to me to possibly be an unhealthy attachment to her 18 year old son who lives with her. 

On a recent phone conversation, she told me that her and her son both have locks on their bedroom doors and they each have a key to each other’s room, in addition to their own.

She told me that the other night, her son came into her room and wanted to sleep in her bed with her, and she allowed it. She said the next day she asked him why he did that and if anything was wrong and she said his reply was, “no, I just wanted to be near you and to hug you.” 

I found this to be a bit chilling. Especially when I add it to the fact that I work on weekends, and I’m willing to go out to meet her, but she can’t meet me during the week because she has to be home to cook and clean for her son. Super weird. I’m not going any further with this one. Just wondering what anyone else thinks. I’ve never heard anything like this before. 

[SooSad33]

11 minutes ago, jul-els said:

She said the next day she asked him why he did that and if anything was wrong and she said his reply was, “no, I just wanted to be near you and to hug you.”

Umm.... Bates Motel vibes here!! 😮 

As for HER allowing her child at that age to sleep in her bed- is ALL wrong!  Sickening really 😕 .

I'd say to contact child services, but he is now 18, so I doubt that'd help matters here.

Yup, thats awful.. and shows they BOTH have issues *sigh* .  See what she has done to him? 😕 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, jul-els said:

she told me that her and her son both have locks on their bedroom doors and they each have a key to each other’s room, in addition to their own.

I don't see the issue here. If one of them were locked inside and couldn't get out (it's happened to me when my lock broke, on two different occasions in two different homes), it is smart that somone else has a key and can open the door. I am hoping those keys would therefore be for emergency use. 

2 hours ago, jul-els said:

her son came into her room and wanted to sleep in her bed with her, and she allowed it. She said the next day she asked him why he did that and if anything was wrong and she said his reply was, “no, I just wanted to be near you and to hug you.” 

But this - no. At 18, this is plain weird. Maybe he has some sort of developmental delay but even in that case, she should have enforced approrpriate boundaries and sent him back to his own bed. If he is otherwise neurotypical, then yeah....big ick. 

[Kwothe28]

Creepy? Eh, nothing creepy is going on as far as we know. Weird? Yes. 

Some parents and kids have an unhealthy attachment. In this case it reflects on her pampering him to the point he hasnt gotten past kids stage even though he is full blown adult(18 is an adult in my country). So she needs to be at home to cook and clean for him all the time and he even goes into her bed like some kind of kid. Even though, again, he is far from it.

Its certanly "red flag" dating- wise, that is for sure.

[yogacat]

Yikes. 

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t take this any further either. You’re just getting to know this woman and you’ve already stumbled upon very unappealing issues that could raise concerns in any potential relationship.

Reminds me of the friends episode:

I think that it’s ok for an 18-year-old to want to spend time with his mom. I also think that it’s ok for an 18-year-old to want to hug his mom as well. However, as you said, the fact that they both have their bedrooms locked with keys is difficult for me to imagine. It sounds a little paranoid to me, but I also can’t pass any judgment without knowing more.

I would think that maybe there is some sort of developmental or psychological issue here which as an outsider you really don’t know.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, jul-els said:

.She told me that the other night, her son came into her room and wanted to sleep in her bed with her, and she allowed it.  his reply was, “no, I just wanted to be near you and to hug you.” I found this to be a bit chilling. 

Agree, definitely weird. Almost Bates Motel level weird. 

[Batya33]

I agree - in emergency situations like if parent or child are sick/suspected concussion and they sleep on opposite sides of a large bed just to monitor - fine - but then she wouldn't have mentioned it at all - it wouldn't be a regular thing. That plus the rest -I'd avoid for sure.

[jul-els]

A friend of mine who I told about this called it emotional incest. Doesn’t sound too far off to me. Online dating sucks, lol. I was doing it for about three years and all I found were people who were broken, lonely, didn’t know what they wanted, or some combination thereof. I had stopped logging in unless I got a notification. I’m not even going to do that anymore. One of my subscriptions lapsed last month and the other one will do the same next month. I’m done. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, jul-els said:

A friend of mine who I told about this called it emotional incest. Doesn’t sound too far off to me. Online dating sucks, lol. I was doing it for about three years and all I found were people who were broken, lonely, didn’t know what they wanted, or some combination thereof. I had stopped logging in unless I got a notification. I’m not even going to do that anymore. One of my subscriptions lapsed last month and the other one will do the same next month. I’m done. 

I’m sorry you had those experiences! I had mostly good ones. A mixed bag. Totally fine if it’s not for you !

[Coily]

Yikes, that is very very strange behavior, outside of something like downe syndrome.. That would be a no go for me.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, jul-els said:

A friend of mine who I told about this called it emotional incest. Doesn’t sound too far off to me.

Could be, if it made you uncomfortable then trust that feeling and move on. It could be harmless.  If the sleeping in the bed thing happens a lot, or if it makes you feel odd, it's definitely time to move on fella. The potential is there because it's odd enough to post an opinion on a question like this about it, but I don't think you can know 100% that it's unhealthy (although it could be). We are all different. What I consider odd, you might think is perfectly normal, and vice versa. The best indication of a personal situation is always our gut and if our gut is trying to talk to us, we should probably start listening. 

[jul-els]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Could be, if it made you uncomfortable then trust that feeling and move on. It could be harmless.  If the sleeping in the bed thing happens a lot, or if it makes you feel odd, it's definitely time to move on fella. The potential is there because it's odd enough to post an opinion on a question like this about it, but I don't think you can know 100% that it's unhealthy (although it could be). We are all different. What I consider odd, you might think is perfectly normal, and vice versa. The best indication of a personal situation is always our gut and if our gut is trying to talk to us, we should probably start listening. 

As I said, I have no interest in pursuing it. It’s weird at best and borderline creepy at worst. I’m done with online dating altogether. It’s been an unpleasant experience. 

[Betterwithout]

2 minutes ago, jul-els said:

As I said, I have no interest in pursuing it. It’s weird at best and borderline creepy at worst. I’m done with online dating altogether. It’s been an unpleasant experience. 

Just a bad experience and you dodged a bullet in a short amount of time.
Don't lose hope for online dating because of this or other bad experiences, it's a numbers game.  For many can lead to something !

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, jul-els said:

. It’s weird at best and borderline creepy at worst. It’s been an unpleasant experience. 

Sorry this happened. This is definitely a 9 on the creepometer scale. 

[catfeeder]

45 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I’m done with online dating altogether. It’s been an unpleasant experience. 

I'm all for taking breaks from dating whenever you need them. Unless you have good ways of meeting potential dates beyond OLD, I wouldn't allow a few bad matches to prompt me to toss the whole tool and narrow down my own odds so significantly. But yes, take breaks until the risks feel more minimized by the potential rewards of meeting someone you'll actually enjOy. 

I'm sorry this lady grossed you out, Jul-els. I had a friend who would interrupt our day trips to rush home and make dinner for her 17 year old son who sat home playing video games all day. She'd want me to eat there, too, so we could go back out, but I was too annoyed. I suggested using a crockpot on the days we were out, and that worked well, but my eyes had already been opened to the whole doormat dynamic. Her son treated her like trash, and she was compulsive about keeping him dependent.

As for the two key thing, I don't get it, unless there are other boarders in the home. But yes, it does sound like she's infantilized this son to the degree that they've both got some screws loose.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

I’m done with online dating altogether. It’s been an unpleasant experience. 

I can't say that I blame you. Online dating can be a frustrating and exhausting process. Maybe down the road you'll feel differently and will give it another try, but for now it's perfectly okay to take a break and focus on other things.