She kissed him but truly regrets it

[Hutchy Throw]

I love my girlfriend a lot. I want to spend my life with her. She told me last month, after a small incident where I told her how important honesty is to me, that she had cheated on me by kissing her friend about 8 months ago, only a few months into our relationship. I was devastated. I begged her for details and she assured me that she didn’t enjoy it, that he was making her uncomfortable for the entire night, and that she just didn’t feel like she could say no to the kiss. After a month of anguish and begging her for details and questioning her, she never told me the total truth still. She was lying to me and to herself about things. Finally, just last week, she tells me that he actually kissed her twice, that she actually enjoyed his attention during the night, and that she was not uncomfortable except during the kisses because she genuinely didn’t enjoy that part, and afterward when it hit her what she did to me. She didn’t even remember that I existed during the entire night until at the end right after the second kiss, at which point she left very quickly, deleted his message telling her goodbye which is something she’s been hiding too (but she did that because she already wanted to erase the whole night), and felt terrible. She woke up at 3 in the morning that night sobbing. She wrote down in her journal of the worst moments of her life that morning how she was an awful person, how she can’t believe she’d do this to me, how meaningless he and that was to her and how much she loved me and yet she still did it. She was truly devastated by and regretful of her own behavior. I’ve been wrestling with leaving her this whole time. For a while my condition was that I’d leave if she enjoyed it or lied to me further. Obviously it’s been exposed that both of those things have been true but… I don’t want to leave. I know that she wouldn’t do it again. She is a sweet good person. She genuinely hated it and wishes it never happened. She sobbed to her best friend about it the next day and she told her never to tell me. She’s been trying to preserve our relationship for the past month which is why she’s been lying. And, she told me everything. It took a lot, it took a long time, but I FOUND out none of this. She chose to tell me every detail, chose to hide things at first but still eventually told me. I love her so much. She messed up, and everything else has been just trying to fix that one thing. I truly believe she’d never do this again. She truly is so special to me. It hurts like hell but I’m willing to work through that. I just have so many emotions I don’t know how to work with them.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Hutchy Throw said:

She didn’t even remember that I existed during the entire night until at the end right after the second kiss

Ouch. She actually told you this? 

She's not the brightest gal, is she? Look, she's full of equine manure that she "forgot" about you all night. Come on, now. Of course that part is not true. And if it is, you need to dump her before the sun goes down today because it means she is not relationship material if she "forgets" her boyfriend even exists when another guy is paying attention to her. (Or she has such severe selective memory loss that she needs to speak to a neurologist)

Having said that, it's up to you if you can move past this. Some would say it's forgiveable, while others would send her packing. You are going to get a mixed bag of responses. 

11 minutes ago, Hutchy Throw said:

She chose to tell me every detail

Why did she come forward with these new details all these months later? 

[Batya33]

It's normal to feel shocked and still feel in love.  Love is not enough.  For me personally I'd be done -she is a mess, how she approached this is a mess and thoughtless and her whole beating herself up comes across as ridiculous. And she cheated.  And lied.  How will  you trust her going forward ? So if someone is hitting on her she's going to forget you exist, then beat herself up after it? Really?

[Andrina]

Perhaps when a person is a teen, say 16 or 17, and really not ready for the seriousness of a more adult-like relationship, that might be a normal, silly happening for someone so immature.

When you're speaking of an adult who should know the major consequences of their actions, it's very telling about the person. She lacks the maturity, ethics, and caring for a partner needed for a satisfying relationship.

If you decide to stay, know that once a discussion happens whereas you should've come to an understanding/consensus, that it's best to no longer bring the topic up. That doesn't serve anyone, and is harmful. If you want to let it go and have a wait-and-see attitude, go for it. Give yourself a timeline/deadline of your bad emotions lessening, and if that's impossible, free each other to start over with someone else.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Hutchy Throw said:

she left very quickly, deleted his message telling her goodbye which is something she’s been hiding too (but she did that because she already wanted to erase the whole night), and felt terrible. She woke up at 3 in the morning that night sobbing. She wrote down in her journal of the worst moments of her life that morning how she was an awful person, how she can’t believe she’d do this to me, how meaningless he and that was to her and how much she loved me

She made a mistake. It was a very bad mistake, yes. But mistakes happen. From the sound of it, she got caught up in the moment and allowed herself to be wrapped up in a night of fun, flirting with someone. And yet, when the moment of truth came, she shut things down and immediately regretted her actions. Not telling you was probably a defense mechanism, blocking it out to try and avoid hurting you or bringing back the sense of shame and guilt she felt. While telling you the truth would have been better, it's not always easy to do that. Sometimes a lie of ommission is a way to protect the ones we care about.

A person isn't who they are in one moment, they are who they are throughout all the moments together. Who has she been throughout this relationship? Is she the kind of person who lies to you or goes around flirting with others? Or is she someone who truely cares about and respects you? If you still love her, and she still loves you, then don't let one mistake ruin things. Be honest in your feelings and recognize that it might take time to repair things. But love is worth the effort.

[Kwothe28]

Maybe you are too young so she is driven by excitement rather then the sense of loyalty. But she still didnt even remembered you existed and kissed somebody ese. That is very telling about her ethics.

As about regret part, I believe people very rarely regret things they do. Somebody who "doesnt feel they could say "no"" wouldnt flinch if they are about to do it again. For example next time she gets drunk. Or gets mad at you about something. Same with "forgiving" part. You are clearly bothered with what her did. So much so that you asked her for details continously. Dont think you can just forget about this and move on like nothing happened.

[Batya33]

My son used to watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  Yup a public tv kids show.  If young Daniel hurt someone/made a bad choice he was not just supposed to apologize but say "how can I help".  I see a lot of sobbing and journaling and rationalizations but she didn't ask how she could help you. As opposed to herself. Your belief that she will "never" do this again is based on.... what -a fantasy? If you said to her ok so you're sorry- how are you going to help me understand why it happened -really -and why it will never happen again -really.  What's in it for me if it does happen again -what is the consequence?

I mean as I wrote it would be a dealbreaker for me based on what she did, her lying, her excuses, what it says about her lack of ethics - of course our moments can define us especially when it involves choices as to how to treat another human.  Many years ago in one moment or a couple of moments I took wedding vows.  Almost 4 years earlier in a last straw really sad moment I told my on again off again 7 year boyfriend it was over.  Had I not done that I most likely wouldn't be a married mom now. 

When I was a teenager making out in a bedroom at a house party with a teenage boy my friend crushed on and he tugged at my pants and asked if I'd have sex with him I wanted to in the moment - badly! -he was so hot! -and I said NO in one moment.  Thank goodness.  (nope no protection - I cannot imagine what the rest of my life could have been like)

So yes for sure our moments can define us, our momentary choices about how to treat our bodies and other people can define us and it's totally understandable for others to decide based on a choice that that person isn't right for them values/morals wise.  Your girlfriend is all about herself and her impulsive kissing, impulsive torrent of sobbing when she's been caught or fears she will be and all that wringing of hands says nothing about her character or integrity that is positive.  I'd avoid touching the hot stove she is again.

[redswim30]

I'm sorry to tell you- I think it would be wise of you to dump her.   She doesn't sound like a sweet person at all.  She sounds like a selfish liar who cared more about her own ego in that moment, by her own admission "didn't remember you existed"?, did it MULTIPLE times (not once) and then lied about it and tried to make herself seem like the victim.   Does that really sound like a "sweet" person to you?

More than her cheating is the fact that she didn't tell you the truth, until she felt guilty enough to do so.  I think it's really telling of her immaturity, her selfishness and how dishonest she is that her first response was to deny responsibility and try to make it seem like she was "forced" into kissing this guy, multiple times.   Is this really the type of person you want to spend your life with?  Do you have low self esteem? 

The real red flag here is her response to everything which is more worrisome than pretending you don't exist (which is still pretty bad) because she was attracted to someone else.  Sorry but IMVHO, she is still lying to you about "not enjoying it", that's to try and spare your feelings.  Generally speaking, I (and most women) wouldn't kiss someone twice that I didn't enjoy kissing the first time.  IMVHO, ONE kiss would have been a mistake.  TWO kisses is a CHOICE.  Please don't lie to yourself about that.  If she hated the first one (or cared about being loyal to you), she would have stopped the second one. 

If you stay with her, I strongly believe that even if she never cheats on you again (which I personally think she is likely to), how will you ever trust her?  Is she always going to lie to get herself out of making herself look bad? Think about yourself- if the two of you have a bad fight, is she going to deny any culpability and place all the blame on you?  You say honesty is important to you, so do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who continuously lies to you?  Love isn't enough when it comes to compatibility.  I think you aren't compatible in this area of honesty.  Stay with her if you want to, and you seem to want to, but don't be shocked when this happens again.  "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time."   Look, I don't think she's the world's worst person, but even if you wanted to really reach and chalk this up to a "one time mistake" she STILL sounds exceptionally selfish, immature and her gut instinct is to lie to make herself look better.  Is that really what you want in a long term partner?

[lostandhurt]

Not knowing your ages does change things but not that much really.

 People make choices and she chose to kiss another guy twice, enjoyed the attention and only thought of you after the fact not during.  These are the facts of that night.

 The question is this:  Can the trust be rebuilt?  Forgiveness is one thing, letting this go and moving forward is another but trust is the crux of the issue you face here.  You say you know she will never do it again but before this happened you also thought she would never do something like this so...

  Cheating is an extremely selfish act full of betrayal and deceit.  They are not only deceiving you but mostly themselves.  The first lie a cheater tells is to themselves, remember that always.

  I can see you do not want to dump her and it is totally possible to come back from something like this but it takes brutal honesty no matter how much it may hurt.  Stop asking for gory details of that night and start asking the questions you really need to know the answers to like: 

1.  Why did she kiss another guy when she is in a exclusive relationship?  No BS, just honesty.  Is she ready to be in an exclusive relationship?

2. Why was it so easy for her to forget about you while at the party?

3. Where was her character and honesty when she was at the party and tempted by another guy?

4. What is missing in the relationship that lead her down the path to betrayal?

 Alcohol is a excuse, not a reason.  Accept no excuses or justifications from her when she answers these questions, only brutal painful honesty.  This is the only way you both can heal from this and grow.

 You sound young and we all have done stupid things in our youth and hopefully learned from them.  Most times we are not condemned because of being young and dumb but if we hurt others in the process youth cannot be an excuse. You both are old enough to be in a relationship and that comes with responsibilities. 

 On you part you CANNOT punish her for this as it is not your place to do so.  Stop bringing up what happened and start figuring out the why.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

You're hanging onto the fact that she told you about this as though it's some kind of saving grace. But she was at a party, so chances are, she told you because she was afraid that it would get back to you anyway. Otherwise, her only reason to tell you is to upset you with information about which you can do nothing. That's deliberate drama-seeking sabotage, not remorse.

She felt forced to add on a second kiss to her confession after multiple people confirmed that they noticed she wasn't hanging with the other guy for just one kiss, and she knew you'd eventually hear about that, too.

GF sounds bored with the status quo of your relationship, so she got a little thrill from the attention of some other guy. She didn't dump you to take up with him because he didn't pursue her beyond whatever he got from her at the party. So she was left with her disloyalty exposed in public with nobody to leapfrog over to start dating. This time.

My heart goes out to you, but I don't have a good suggestion for overcoming the disloyalty or a way to regain trust in this woman. I'd make this less about her and more about myself by asking, "Is settling for someone who I can't trust when my back is turned the way I want to live my life?"

[smackie9]

We don't know her, so really we can't judge. This is up to you in how you want to deal with this. maybe spend some time apart to think, then regroup and talk more about not what happened, but be let it be more about feelings, emotions, why it let up to that. Some times it goes deeper/further back than one night at a party.