My boyfriend just doesn't seem to understand...what should I do?

[me.when.the]

Me and my boyfriend (2 years) have always had very deep conversations ever since the beginning of our relationship about many things, such as moral beliefs, philosophies on how the world works, childhood traumas, etc. But recently, it feels like he doesn't understand me/try to understand my perspective when we have those types of conversations. Specifically when I am talking about my frustration at my upbringing since I think my parents definitely gave me some toxic behaviors that I am struggling to unlearn in my adult life, he just seems to not care/not understand, immediately talking back about how that wasn't his experience with it (which almost makes me feel like he thinks I'm making it up or being dramatic). On many complex issues in the past, even when we had conflicting viewpoints, he listened and understood what I was saying, even if it wasn't something he agreed with. But with this issue, and some other important ones, including my fear/hesitancy around having kids, he just seems unable to comprehend why I feel the way I do. It is very frustrating to me and it makes me feel unloved and insecure in our relationship. Is there any way that I can try to get him to understand me on this, or does this mean we are incompatible on a deeper level? Am I just overthinking this? Please advise.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, me.when.the said:

. Specifically when I am talking about my frustration at my upbringing since I think my parents definitely gave me some toxic behaviors that I am struggling to unlearn in my adult life, he just seems to not care/not understand, immediately talking back about how that wasn't his experience with it 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? 

It's great you two can talk about things and he's a good listener. It's perfectly ok for him to mention he has no experience with childhood trauma, because he's being honest.

Please understand that dating is not therapy. It's your job to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health including dealing with issues that have absolutely nothing to do with him and he's not the cause of. Please understand that emotion dumping can be very draining and stressful for others. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Please ask for a referral to a qualified licensed therapist for ongoing support and and appropriate place to unpack and sort all this out 

[Jaunty]

The important thing is that you can communicate and that he accepts you as you are.  Truly it's not his job to really grasp your "traumas."  Please get a therapist for that, if you need to work through things.

[ShySoul]

No person can ever completely understand what we have gone through or how we feel. That is a product of our own unique experiences and personalities. But that isn't really what you are looking for. When most people bring up their fustrations and past traumas, they don't want someone to solve it, they aren't trying to turn the person into a therapist. What they are looking for is understanding and compassion. They want to know someone is there for them, to give them a kind and reassuring word. They want to be heard. They want to know they are not alone. You are not wrong for wanting that. It's not asking for too much. 

How much have you talked to him about how you feel? Has something changed for him recently, something that might be distracting him or causing this change? Or could the topic be something touchy for him that maybe he finds it easier to avoid so he shuts down? Regardless, if you aren't feeling loved or respected, you need to have a talk about it. Tell him your feelings. He needs to know you feel dismissed, how much his words hurt. There needs to be an honest discussion about communication styles and making sure each side feels heard and cared for. He doesn't have to agree with you on everything, but he should care enough about you make you feel heard.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, me.when.the said:

when I am talking about my frustration at my upbringing since I think my parents definitely gave me some toxic behaviors that I am struggling to unlearn in my adult life, he just seems to not care/not understand

What sort of response are you looking for from him when you bring this up? 

[Kwothe28]

Are you asking for a boyfriend or just a "Yes Man" to agree with you on everything? Because I dont really think you would ever find second one and even if you do find somebody who would only confirm what you would be saying, you would be bored with him after a while lol

Anyway, your boyfriend doesnt have to agree with every issue with you. Core beliefs sure, but there is always some discrepancies. It would be weird if there arent since no 2 persons are exactly the same. He can listen but he doesnt have to agree for you to feel "loved". 

Also, you seem to not agree about having children. That does seem like basic incompatibility.

[Batya33]

How often do you two laugh hysterically together or banter or flirt? Maybe he doesn't know how  to tell you he's tired of all the heavy stuff especially the personally heavy stuff.  

I think it's totally understandable why he doesn't get why you are hesitant about being a parent.  Is he trained as a therapist -likely not. 

Many people just know they want kids (I was one of them although I am a person who is able to understand a lot about those who don't want to be a parent or are unsure - I just wouldn't ever date that person).  And people have strengths and weaknesses - your boyfriend is not strong in the area of understanding why something he knows he wants like a reflex could be something someone else isn't sure she wants. 

And perhaps - he doesn't want to get better at this sort of understanding.  Because -all he has to do is respect that you're not sure - and decide if he's willing to forego being a parent to be with you.  If I were him that would be a hard and fast NO if he really wants kids especially if he's focused on biological kids as you will be the parent going through a pregnancy.  I mean who cares if he understands your concerns if at the end of the day it's a dealbreaker?  I'd focus on that first and if you can work through your fears with a therapist or even an outsider then I'd proceed in this relationship.  It would be awful for him to settle for not being a parent and regret it.  IMO.

Also consider if you're too much with all the past talk about your dysfunctional/toxic background - he seems a bit burnt out by all of it.

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, me.when.the said:

Specifically when I am talking about my frustration at my upbringing since I think my parents definitely gave me some toxic behaviors that I am struggling to unlearn in my adult life, he just seems to not care/not understand, immediately talking back about how that wasn't his experience with it (which almost makes me feel like he thinks I'm making it up or being dramatic).

Not once have you considered that your behavior is the problem here, and he's likely had a lot more patience with you than most men would. Certainly, it's important to share with your spouse what you've gone through in your life, but when you're regularly bringing that up throughout the years, it's bringing him into that toxic world that you're apparently keeping alive with those conversations.

IMO, people who lug around unhealthy emotional baggage cannot be a healthy partner to anyone. And if you really cared about him and he wants children, it'd be kinder to release him so he can find a partner who is clear she wants them. There are major things a couple should agree on, kids being one of them, that should be dealbreakers if there is incompatibility there. You being on the fence has no set deadline of resolving that, so you will be unfair if you expect him to take that risk.

For yourself, and for you to one day be the best partner to someone as possible, do get therapy. You can also read books and articles on how to get rid of toxic baggage. I wish you the best for your healing journey.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add it's great to talk about moral beliefs/philosophy/how the world works -- my husband and I -along with our teenage son - do because it's really important sometimes! -and I suspect maybe too much of the time you use the general topic to make it all about you.  

 I will throw out this example.  My husband and I have been watching Frasier reruns at night (or other old shows).  Typically less than a half hour - we laugh and joke around -we're 57 so it's like older people joking.  Typically our son is in his room at that time doing HW or gaming with his friends. I asked him the other day if he overheard us laughing etc and he said yes and he likes it, he liked overhearing us being silly and cracking up because he also sees how busy we are with life and work and adulting. 

He likes seeing us happy and silly - and I know he wouldn't have felt the same sense of comfort if he'd overheard something intense about life or trauma etc.  Lightening up can deepen the bond.  It's healthy -it's needed - balance your heavy stuff.  Even my kid noticed how the vibe felt. Yup everyone is different -some other teen would have been like -you guys are never serious -are you actually close??? But I bet not....

[catfeeder]

Sometimes people just don’t know what to say. If you’re on the fence about starting a family, he may view you as raising family strife as a reason not to have one. You may want to ask him about this.

[smackie9]

There comes a time when it gets old. Trauma bonding is an unhealthy way to build or create intimacy within a relationship. If you have deep long time struggles, stop dumping it on your BF and find a good therapist. It's become too emotionally taxing on him...too much. Most would expect to move forward, be positive and build a new perspective on life. Finding counselling would be your best bet.