Holding On To Anger...

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey guys, hypothetical scenario but if your partner (bf, gf, spouse) hurts you deeply and as such you feel hurt and angry, how do you hold on to that anger towards that person (internally in a healthy way) to avoid going back to the person who hurt you?

There is a saying "time heals."  And I believe that to be true.  Which often results in the hurt/anger lifting, you start remembering the good times, the loving times.  And forgetting the bad.

And should the person who hurt you return, those old loving feelings also return and you consider going back?

Which is nearly always a mistake.

So my question is, how to hold on to the anger (towards that person) to avoid the temptation of going back?

And should you?  Is there another way of avoiding the temptation of going back without the anger? 

Thanks in advance...

 

 

[boltnrun]

I don't hold onto anger. Anger is negative and I believe there is a strong mind/body connection. For example, I really dislike working in the office (not working in the office per se but more what it entails...getting up at the butt crack of dawn and a long drive to a noisy office and then an even more time consuming drive home...) so I usually don't feel well on office days. I'm sure I'm fine but my mind is opposed so my body follows suit.

What I do instead is simple with regard to exes...this person is wrong for me and I am wrong for them. Sure, I sometimes dream about my toxic ex. He and I had incredible physical chemistry. He could also be a lot of fun. But he's a horrible person and I just remind myself that being around him does me no good. Even though in my dreams he's often nice and loving I know in order to get those things from him I would also have to accept toxic behavior. And I just don't need that.

I'm not angry. Sure, I have trouble forgiving myself for putting up with him for four years but it's more disappointment in myself than anger with him. I know I won't let that happen again, and that is empowering.

Are you considering ending things with your current guy in favor of going back to an ex? 

[Starlight925]

They usually reach back out in our moment of weakness.  We are alone, we are vulnerable, we are ripe for them to swoop back in.

But we don't want to live in anger, because that's not a healthy place for us.

It's ok, though, to hold onto the memory of the worst things they did to us.  The worst lie, the worst offense, the worst thing they said.  That time they no-showed to an important function, that time they said that hurtful thing, betraying a confidence that you had shared in a moment of closeness.

Then, when they do swoop in, pull out those memories.

For me, what worked after my last relationship was to start a Word document, only for me, where I wrote out sentences, sometimes paragraphs, detailing....stuff.  

And yes, he came back multiple times, each time in my moment of weakness.  The night my father died, he actually reached out, not to express sympathy, but to see if that was a good time for us to get back together.  

So whenever I forget the anger, I have that document, and just reading a few sentences keeps me from even thinking about going back.

[Coily]

I think anger isn't quite the right way to express it. Contempt for me works better.

In the case of one ex of mine, while we had a lot of good positive times, I remind myself of the reasons why we ended things.  Do I hate her? No, that is just more of my time and energy that I am not willing to give her. I usually just say "Wow, I was expected to put up with that? Ha Nope, never again."

[Seraphim]

Well, I don’t believe in divorce sooooooo, there is no leaving if hurt. I will say that my husband has really hurt me emotionally a few times so much so I did actually consider divorce. I put my head down and plowed through and did the emotional work to get passed it . Now those things are long past and all that remains is us and our devotion to each other . 

I have had massive massive anger towards other people, my father and his family members. Did it hurt them? Nope, they could not care less. It went a long way to destroying my emotional, mental and physical health though. Now I have let it all go. I want to enjoy what I have left of life . 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you considering ending things with your current guy in favor of going back to an ex? 

Thanks for your response Bolt, it makes sense on a rational level.  But for some reason, being angry (towards my ex) felt really good, and it made it easier to divorce him and feel good about it.

Re the above quote, no I'm not going to break up with my current bf, but yes this IS about my ex-husband.

I don't think I ever shared all the gruesome details here, but I'm ready to now.

I'm on my way to work and will post later, once I put it all together.

Thanks in advance to everyone responding. :)

[Batya33]

I don't need to hold on to angry feelings to remember why it is bad for me to be around the person or to be too close to the person.  I ended a many year close on and off volatile friendship many years ago.  We were friends -often close - on and off from around 1978-2007. I was very angry at her at the last straw time.  Cut her off completely.  She heard I had a baby.  (Our mothers knew each other). She emailed me when I was still in the hospital after giving birth to congratulate me.  I did not feel angry at her anymore. 

We go way back -lots of history.  And I knew it would be bad for my health especially as a new mom and newlywed to interact with her.  So in my response I thanked her and explained that I needed space at this time.  Years later I heard she had a baby.  I messaged her privately on Facebook to congratulate her (only way I knew to contact).  She replied thank you.  I did not feel angry.  I am 99.9% sure that had she interacted more I would have distanced myself again  -cause -why touch a hot stove again? 

 

[mylolita]

Evening Rainbows!

 

Great and interesting thread, as per! 
 

I actually believe in the power of anger in some instances! I think it can be a great motivator, and actually give clarity to certain situations. It can also give inspire drive and and powerful energy. Sometimes, anger is perfectly justified. Sometimes, anger is needed! 
 

I don’t have an ex, I can’t comment on feelings towards ex husbands or ex lovers in that regard but, we all tend to hold onto anger quite a bit. If you feel a very strong emotion like anger, it can be an indication something isn’t right. It’s a good litmus test sometimes. 
 

I would say; in relationship terms, maybe instead of looking back in anger, and placing the blame on the other person, or something they did wrong - acknowledge your part in it too. It takes two to tango, and after all, the ex partners, they were chosen for a reason at one point. I believe some of the anger felt towards an ex is actually anger at ourselves for our mistakes. 
 

Is it useful to keep people away from ex’s and toxic situations? Probably! But I think to stew with the same intensity that brewed whilst the break up was happening is unhealthy for most. Feelings do fade, as do memories. We tend to remember what we want, and that which favours ourselves as the “right” one who was victimised or put upon. Acknowledging our part in the things that go wrong can be difficult, but help ease the pain caused by the other person. It also gives you control, because you have the tools to acknowledge what went wrong, what you did wrong, that you picked the wrong person, and move forward to not make the same mistake! Empowering! 
 

If you are tempted to go back to an ex - I would maybe acknowledge the factors pulling you towards them? Note them; the things you like, and accept them as attributes you would like in the next partner. No one is perfect, but you want more good than bad! 
 

There is a quote that I always find rings true for me:

 

—-

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured”

— Mark Twain

—-

Easier said than done though! I don’t think we can ever fully think or wish away any strong feelings. I think they stay, somewhere, whether we realise it or not. To “let go” and be in complete forgiveness in the perfect sense is, quite inhuman and, quite perfect. I’m yet to be convinced it can ever be truly done.

 

There’s nothing wrong with strong feelings for the most part, as long as they aren’t hurting you. 
 

Ex’s - people split for a good reason normally. I would take comfort in that? 
 

x

[mylolita]

With regards to anger within my marriage? As Seraphim has said! After 15 years, and juggling 3 kids all under 6 years old, of course you have hot head moments. I’ve had moments of pure fury!!!

 

The thing that keeps us going and passionate and best friends is, we HAVE to hash it out. It could take a year or more. But we have to keep chipping away and expressing the problem. That’s the only way you can work to resolve anything, I’ve found, in my marriage anyway. 
 

If brushed under the rug, even the most small offences can build resentment, and this is so bad for any relationship.

 

Get it out honestly and get it out soon. I believe in working through things, even if Irma brutal and painful. It simply must be done. 
 

We often don’t even fully understand ourselves. Asking another man to do this, is one big feat, when we’re not 100% ourselves half the time. Moods change, life situations change, it all has to be navigated. 
 

Being able to be yourself, be fully open - it’s essential to me to stop brooding, resentment, intolerance and yes, anger.

 

x

[mylolita]

To consolidate my very long ramble… 🥲

 

In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger. It can aid us and alert us to something that is wrong. It’s how we respond to it and go about using it that matters! 
 

x

[Kwothe28]

Holding on an anger means that you are still in the stages of grief. Or that you are really "difficult person" who would hold a grudge forever.

5 stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sometimes we miss some or dont do them in order, but the important part is, we need to go to "acceptance" stage. In that stage you just accept that its over. And that you need to move on. You may come through "anger" stage and its fine to do so, its a part of the process sometimes. But you dont need anger when you go to acceptance. Because then you know you wont be coming back so there is really no need to be angry in order to not come back. You are already over that situation(or a person in your case), so there is no need to hold anger there. Because anger would mean that you are not really over it. Like those dates who talk about exes a lot. Yes they are maybe not with that person but its clear that they are not over it.

For example most I feel toward some of my exes is apathy. Their bad behavior reflects on them as people. There is no need for me to hold grudge because I am over those situations. That doesnt mean that I forgot, it just means that I really dont care. There is no really a need for me to feel anything there because I dont. You just get over some stuff and move on. Because anything else is not really good and healthy for you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

, being angry (towards my ex) felt really good, and it made it easier to divorce him and feel good about it.

Perfectly normal. Anger is something to pay attention to. For example, a hurt or injustice. It's your instincts telling you "this isn't right, I need to do something". 

[catfeeder]

While anger or hurt might be my initial reaction to something pivotal, if I know someone well enough, I'm usually struck by clarity about two things--what's behind their behavior, and why it doesn't align with what I want for myself and my own future.

So, sure, dis-illusion-ment is painful, and I may sometimes miss my old illusions about a person now and then, but it really doesn't require anger for me to drop a focus on what I don't want. I can fix it on moving forward, instead, toward what I DO want.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

It's ok, though, to hold onto the memory of the worst things they did to us.  The worst lie, the worst offense, the worst thing they said.  That time they no-showed to an important function, that time they said that hurtful thing, betraying a confidence that you had shared in a moment of closeness.

Hi Starlight, tbh I am not really understanding the difference between it being OKAY to hold on to the memory of the worst things they did but it not being OKAY to hold on to how angry that makes us feel and still feel?

I guess what I am asking is what's wrong with feeling anger?  As long as it's not directed at the person who hurt you (or anyone else) and you deal with it silently within yourself, if it prevents you from going back to the person who hurt you, why is it so bad?

I actually don't want to lose the anger I have towards him, it's not hurting me to feel that anger.  It's not detracting from my life or relationships in any sort of negative way.  

I actually see it as a positive because it's allowing me to stay away from him and not feel guilty for doing so.

BTW, he is not a toxic person or a bad person.  However he did hurt me quite deeply during a time when I really needed his support.

I don't mean to be so evasive and I promise I will share more later but it did involve him cheating, and the timing was REALLY bad.

The thing now though is that I am starting to lose that anger and I feel myself weakening towards him and I don't want that.  

I need to learn ways to hold on to it.

Thanks.

[yogacat]

OP I felt anger when my ex reached out to me to try to get back together. I had already moved on from the relationship and was happy without them. Their attempt to reconcile felt disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings and growth since the breakup. It also brought up old feelings of hurt and betrayal, reminding me of the reasons why we had ended things in the first place. It felt manipulative and selfish for them to reach out without considering how it would affect me.

Like, I have no romantic feelings towards my ex, zero zilch. If he wanted to be friends without the agenda of getting back together that could work (as long as his behavior didn't cross any lines) but his attempt to rekindle things only showed me that he hadn't changed or grown since the breakup and was still putting his own desires above my well-being.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

To consolidate my very long ramble… 🥲

 

In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger. It can aid us and alert us to something that is wrong. It’s how we respond to it and go about using it that matters! 
 

x

Thank you, this is my feeling as well lolita!  

I am/was okay with the anger, the issue now for me is that I just received a very warm and caring letter from him, a hand-written letter in the mail as I refused to speak with him.  He apologized for not being there for me, for stepping out on our marriage, for everything, and wants a second chance.

I feel my anger lifting and me softening up a bit, and old feelings starting to creep up and I don't want that -- I felt better being angry at him because it was easier staying away as I don't think I could ever trust him again and am very happy with my current boyfriend.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perfectly normal. Anger is something to pay attention to. For example, a hurt or injustice. It's your instincts telling you "this isn't right, I need to do something". 

Exactly, thank you.  Any tips on how to hold on to it (the anger) and not lose it?  

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

OP I felt anger when my ex reached out to me to try to get back together. I had already moved on from the relationship and was happy without them. Their attempt to reconcile felt disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings and growth since the breakup. It also brought up old feelings of hurt and betrayal, reminding me of the reasons why we had ended things in the first place. It felt manipulative and selfish for them to reach out without considering how it would affect me.

Thank you, this was very helpful yogacat.  I need to remind myself of that, especially now that I am happily in a new relationship and he knows that!

Yes, I need to see his letter for what it was - a manipulation.  Par for the course, thank you again, that was so helpful and exactly what I needed to hear.

I am going to hold on to that.  

[bluecastle]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The thing now though is that I am starting to lose that anger and I feel myself weakening towards him and I don't want that.  

For whatever it's worth...

My personal take is that anger is a powerful and often corrosive emotion—and, as such, we give a certain power (to corrode us) to wherever and whomever we direct it. In the aftermath of hurt, of course, anger is not just normal but a basic instinct. If you materialized from these pixels and slashed my tires, for example, I would be very angry with you. But if that anger remained acute a year later, or a five years later—well, I would call that infusing something (you, the slashing of my tires) with more power than needed, and potentially locking myself into a less than healthy place in the process.  

The reason I highlighted the above sentence is because, to me, if the flip side of anger is "weakness" that doesn't mean the anger is giving you any real strength. It's more like a mirror, reflecting back at you raw feelings, just in a way that softens them with the guise of "power." Which is totally okay, normal, human, all that gooey stuff.

Sounds like there's a painful stretch at the root of this, and even if it's a bit in the rearview mirror, and you're happy with your current situation, the wound is allowed to still be healing. I say let it, more by acknowledging the swirl of feelings—anger here, fading anger there, an unexpected spell of warmth toward him, and so on—without judging them in binary terms (strong vs. weak etc.) or reacting to them at all. 

When people talk about "time healing," I think they're talking to some degree about anger dissolving into something like indifference. It's not quite a linear cycle, maybe more of a loop that eventually spirals out. What you're describing here sounds like a little trip around that loop when you thought you were on a straighter line. All good. Just not sure if the answer is figuring out how to "hold on" to anger so much as accept that there may be one or two loops around this until the temperature cools. 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Exactly, thank you.  Any tips on how to hold on to it (the anger) and not lose it?  

Emotions like physical sensations dissipate. However people do deliberately commentate injustices and hurt such as war atrocities and other things that they don't want repeated. 

It would be nice to think we could all be Zen like or spiritually superior and forgiving trespassers , but then again. There is a time for everything under the sun. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

My personal take is that anger is a powerful and often corrosive emotion—and, as such, we give a certain power (to corrode us) to wherever and whomever we direct it.

Thanks @bluecastle , I agree with this ^ however, in my case I am not and have not directed my anger towards him other than I divorced him and don't wish to associate with him.  I have dealt with it silently, quietly, within myself and it has not negatively impacted my life or relationships in any way.

If it did, then I would rethink my thought process but the only thing my anger has resulted in is being able to stay away from him and not have anything to do with him because I don't trust him, and have pretty much lost respect for him.

Perhaps some day I will reach a point of indifference.  Where nothing he says or does will cause me any emotion whatsoever.  But I am not there yet, so for now the anger feels good and actually healthy for me.

And I need to hold on to it.  For now.

That was my original question, how to hold on to it.

@yogacatsuggested that I view his letter and attempt to get back together as selfish, a manipulation, especially now that I am in a new relationship and happy.  And he knows that.

I thought that was really helpful in particular.

I was taught growing up that "good little girls" didn't get angry, that anger was an ugly emotion and that we should always be submissive, nice, forgiving.

I don't agree, again I do not see the harm in feeling anger, as long as it's dealt with in a healthy way, and it doesn't negatively impact your life and relationships.

Thank you to everyone who has chimed in!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you, this is my feeling as well lolita!  

I am/was okay with the anger, the issue now for me is that I just received a very warm and caring letter from him, a hand-written letter in the mail as I refused to speak with him.  He apologized for not being there for me, for stepping out on our marriage, for everything, and wants a second chance.

I feel my anger lifting and me softening up a bit, and old feelings starting to creep up and I don't want that -- I felt better being angry at him because it was easier staying away as I don't think I could ever trust him again and am very happy with my current boyfriend.

You're welcome.

What caused the break down in your marriage?

[boltnrun]

You've written multiple times about how you practice "detachment" in your romantic relationships. You have even recommended a book that discusses this detachment. What does the book say about detachment in relation to anger and past hurt?

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're welcome.

What caused the break down in your marriage?

After my second miscarriage, which happened at or around the same time my brother passed away, my husband sort of "abandoned" me (for lack of a better word), he was gone all the time under the guise of "working," then I discovered he was cheating.

I have never shared this before, not sure why now, but it feels good sharing it because it's bringing me back to the place where I felt my initial anger, and it actually feels good as odd as it sounds.

A little background on me.  I was raised by a "narcissistic" mom (for lack of a better way to describe her), she was extremely hot and cold, to the point of at times being abusive (mentally/physically) to at other times, being kind, warm, loving.  

I never knew what mood she would be in and my entire childhood was me feeling anxious, on edge and there being A LOT of chaos.

During the times she was abusive, I shut down and numbed myself.  During the times she was kind and loving (like any "normal" mom should be), I built her up to be the absolute BEST mom in the world!

So, as an adult, I subconsciously sought out that same dynamic in my romantic relationships.

My current boyfriend is actually the first man where this is NOT that dynamic.  I struggle with that sometimes, but I am not leaving.  I am currently back in therapy to sort all these things out.

Apologize if that's TMI.  For some reason, I feel like writing this all out, kind of like a journal.

Thanks for listening!  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You've written multiple times about how you practice "detachment" in your romantic relationships. You have even recommended a book that discusses this detachment. What does the book say about detachment in relation to anger and past hurt?

What I have written about and how I feel about "detachment" relates to not being attached to a particular outcome.  To live in the present and embrace that uncertainty.

Famous quote:

"The past is history, the present is a gift and the future is a mystery."

It has very little, if anything, to do with being detached from one's emotions.   That is an entirely different thing and I don't believe one can be detached from their emotions (including anger), unless they're a robot and not human.