i (22m) feel i’m with the wrong girl (22f) but im afraid to break up

[ba01]

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 5 months and i’ve been doubting the relationship for 3 of them (we first met in 8th grade). i have no female friends so it’s hard for me to get perspective, but i don’t feel like my girlfriend would ever be my wife. she’s only my 2nd relationship, but i think i already know behaviors that make me feel most loved. i feel she filters out the nuance of who i am as a person, and she seems unaware of how i really think. for starters, she dosent hear/filters out/dosent respond to a lot of what i say, and it’s soul crushing.

my comments and attempts at conversation feel meaningless 70% of the time, and it’s soul crushing. i ask her if i talk to much and she insists i don’t, so it’s probably out of her control. she claims she has ADD, and i understand that may be why, but i have diagnosed ADHD, and likely autism or at the very least am an HSP, and am hyper aware of her every word and action down to minute body language. it’s possible we’re both autistic but maybe different types? she’s also not comforting at all, and has told me she has issues with comforting others. for example when we were talking about high school, a girl who sexually assaulted me came up. this girl was known to be weird and mentally ill. i told her how deeply uncomfortable i feel every time i think of the incident, and her response was “then don’t”. again, totally crushed me. she’s also talks a lot of *** about others and has friends that do too. 

as far as the bedroom, i’m not really satisfied, and when i try to express to her what i want, she goes into a depression and shuts down. i don’t know how to teach her how to get on top how i’d like, and i think her scoliosis may be a factor. i can’t help but fantasize about what’s out there. i don’t have an explicit type, but i go crazy for hip sway and larger jiggly butts, and hers is not overly small, but stiff with rigid hips (i know this is stupid and specific)

tl;dr i could go on and on into more issues i have but i just want a girl that’s nice, comforting, and attentive. i feel like im tormenting myself by staying in the highs and lows of my relationship, and am afraid i’ll go into a depression/regret if i break up. i plan to get a therapist soon. my gf wants to get married and talks about our future kids at least once every two days in passing. i just want to cry because i don’t know what to do, i crave the type of love i’ve been wanting and can’t go the rest of my life without it.  

[MissCanuck]

This girl is not the one for you. 

You are already quite unhappy and it's only been 5 months. That is your sign that you're in the wrong relationship, and need to let her go. 

[MrMan1983]

You’re 22 years old, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you to meet someone that’s a better match for you. 

[ba01]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This girl is not the one for you. 

You are already quite unhappy and it's only been 5 months. That is your sign that you're in the wrong relationship, and need to let her go. 

i think your right, i just need to get a therapist to help me let her go, and to also deal with being alone. i feel extremely guilty for harboring these feelings, much less acting on them, and will be sad to let her down. i feel like im failing both her and her mom who has already helped me thru some issues of my own. her mom is a really sweet woman and it seems my gf takes after her dad more, who’s a good father but emotionally withdrawn. every convo with her mom is really uplifting for me and fills me with an energy i wish i could get from a girlfriend. i just wish i’d found the right girl, but i haven’t, at least i don’t think 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ba01 said:

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 5 months and i’ve been doubting the relationship for 3 of them.. i don’t know how to teach her how to get on top how i’d like, and i think her scoliosis may be a factor. i can’t help but fantasize about what’s out there. i don’t have an explicit type, but i go crazy for hip sway and larger jiggly butts, 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you've only had 2 good months together and the rest of the time you're unhappy due to incompatibilities. Please consider setting each other free.  Being with her like a security blanket when you're this unhappy isn't good for either of you. 

[Batya33]

Why would you be alone? Do you have friends and do you do activities outside your home? Unfortunately it will be like ripping off a bandaid - don't do it dramatically -simply tell her "I feel badly about this and this is just not working out for me -we're not a good match and I think we should find people who are better matches."  Don't stay in touch with her parents -I know you like her mom but it wouldn't be fair.  You don't need to be alone just because you're not dating or in a romantic relationship.

[ba01]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you be alone? Do you have friends and do you do activities outside your home? Unfortunately it will be like ripping off a bandaid - don't do it dramatically -simply tell her "I feel badly about this and this is just not working out for me -we're not a good match and I think we should find people who are better matches."  Don't stay in touch with her parents -I know you like her mom but it wouldn't be fair.  You don't need to be alone just because you're not dating or in a romantic relationship.

yes i have two close friends who i workout with every so often. should i help her thru the breakup? i think no contact is too harsh and i feel terrible since she’s going to be heartbroken.

[Andrina]

It's good that you're a caring person, but know that it's better to go no contact. The quicker that happens, the quicker a person can move on. People break up all the time. It's part of life. A person's life cannot be free of sadness and heartbreak. She survived just fine without you in her life five months ago. Don't assume she'll wither away without you. Plus, keeping a thread of communication with her will give her false hope.

[reinventmyself]

As much as she may be hurt and disappointed, no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who describes their experience with them as soul crushing. 

It's never easy to walk away.  But the kindest thing to do is to set her free so she can find someone who loves her the way she deserves.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ba01 said:

yes i have two close friends who i workout with every so often. should i help her thru the breakup? i think no contact is too harsh and i feel terrible since she’s going to be heartbroken.

No you are the wrong person to "help" - I agree with Andrina's advice.

[smackie9]

Helping her through the breakup is hurtful, and would confuse her. Going no contact isn't harsh, it's the right thing to do. 

You don't need a therapist. You are just driven by your feelings of guilt. Sure everyone has them it's perfectly normal to feel that way when breaking up with someone. Life isn't easy, and this won't be the last time this will happen. Learn to plough through it. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, ba01 said:

should i help her thru the breakup?

You can't. 

Nor should you try. There is no way a dumper can effectively offer help, even though your heart is in the right place. She won't get over the break-up if you're lingering around. 

You should be kind when breaking it off, but you are going to need to maintain a firm and healthy boundary as you go your separate ways. 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, ba01 said:

... should i help her thru the breakup? i think no contact is too harsh and i feel terrible since she’s going to be heartbroken.

No, absolutely not. If you are adult enough to date, then you are adult enough to credit another adult for their own responsibility to manage their own disappointments and their own life. 

If you cannot do this, then you are not yet ready to date. Dating is a selection process with lots of experimentation and bad matches that must be allowed to pass. Dating is NOT an assumption of lifetime partnership. Don't conflate these two distinct things.