Was I wrong all this time?

[stella2345666]

Im sorry that this will be so long…

 

My partner and I are in a long distance relationship and we have been dating for over a year now.

 

Before dating him I knew he wasn’t a big fan of drinking alcohol and he didn’t like when people get drunk, but I didn’t really worry about it. A few days before we started dating I had my birthday party and I got drunk. I told him about it and he said he doesn’t want me to drink alcohol on parties anymore (I don’t remember the exact reason but probably because he doesn’t like it and I got so drunk I didn’t remember half of the stuff that happened there, and also I called him with my friends). Again, I didn’t care about his words and I made a big mistake I admit that - a few weeks later I had another party and I drank again but I was telling him I am not doing it. On that party I wasn’t really giving my attention to him and he had a couple panic attacks because I wasn’t picking up his calls and I smoked (what he doesn’t like and tells me I can’t do). So yes, I admit i messed up that time. After that, he said I can’t go on parties anymore, so I missed like three birthday parties of my friends. After some months I regained his trust and he let me go on party, but without drinking. Again, after some months he let me drink alcohol, but only the amount he told me. 

 

Trough that year my friends and family had been noticing that something is off, I wasn’t drinking and I didn’t want to tell them why, maybe a couple of times I was a bit sad because it wasn’t my decision to not drink and I saw my friends doing it and having fun. So I wasn’t really agreeing with his views on alcohol, I wanted to drink because it was helping me to be more confident because I don’t really know to have fun on a party (I used to get really anxious and stressed on parties). But I also didn’t want to lose him so I was just letting him decide.

 

At the end of last year I decided to break up with him, one of the reasons was his controlling behaviour, I wanted to finally have fun on parties like my friends and decide on my own how much i drink.

 

I went on new years eve party, I finally drank how much I wanted and well, I did something I regretted later, it wasn’t a big thing, but I told my friends “crush(?)” some things that some people can consider as flirting (which wasn’t my intention at all!!!)

 

Two weeks later my ex texted me and I was feeling really sad and lonely and we got back together. BUT, I knew a week later I have a party so I told him “I will  come back to you only if you will not control my drinking on this party”. And he agreed. And of course, I did a bad thing again, (also he did try to control my drinking there anyway) something bad happened on that party and I went to the bathroom to cry and complain to my boyfriend on a call that “no guy ever gives me attention because im ugly”. After that he got really sad and mad at me and told me you will not drink on parties again because you mess things up. 

 

And now Ive been thinking, and Ive realised that yes, everytime I drink on a party I talk too much or do stupid things so he is right. And a few days ago I saw a facebook post where a couple of girls said that it wouldn’t be a problem to them to stop drinking alcohol because their partner asked them to.

 

Ive spend all this year thinking that he is kinda wrong, and that I can be responsible after drinking, and that I should be the one to decide about myself, my friends and family were telling me the same thing - that I should break up with him because he is too controlling. But now i wanted to break up with him again for the same reason, but it seems to me like he is right. I dont want to not drink on parties again, Im feeling really left out, but maybe I am wrong and he is right?

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, stella2345666 said:

 , my friends and family were telling me the same thing - that I should break up with him because he is too controlling. 

Sorry this happened. How old is he? Why was it distance? Are either of you away at university? 

Listen to your friends and family about controlling behavior.

However don't harm yourself binge drinking just to make a point about independence. 

Please take care of yourself and your health:

https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/binge-drinking.htm

[Coily]

This is definitely a complicated situation.

Your BF is in the wrong, but for the right reasons. While his controlling behavior about your drinking is not great, I can see his reasoning behind it. If you have such egregious problems when you drink, I can understand why he would ask you not to go partying and such.

Ultimately this seems to revolve around your own self control, well lack there of when it comes to drinking. I would also say that your family and friends are as much a negative influence as your Boyfriend is regulating your behavior.

 

[catfeeder]

Two things can be true at once. A guy can have his own personal limits as to whether or not he wants to date a woman who drinks, especially a woman who drinks to dangerous excess and not only makes a fool of herself, but she puts herself and possibly others at risk of a life changing outcome.

A woman can have her own personal preference as to whether or not she wants to date a guy with those limits. Even despite the fact that when she drinks, she cannot control her consumption and drinks to dangerous excess.

So this isn't about the guy.

Decide on your own what kind of relationship you want to have with alcohol. Make that choice for yourself.

If you choose to continue drinking, leave the guy out of it. If you choose sobriety, make it about your own health and self control. Don't make it about the guy.

[MissCanuck]

You need to get a handle on your booze intake. You don't seem to know your own limits yet and you wind up drinking too much and behaving foolishly. 

However, I would also get rid of this guy. It's not up to him to parent you and control you. 

 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think he is wrong about your drinking. If you cant control your alcohol intake and by your own admission "do stupid things", then you shouldnt drink. At all. You are probably young so you want to drink, have fun and all that. And that is good. But you need to realize yourself that drinking doesnt do you good. 

However I do think he is controlling. If a person wants to hit their head against the wall we cant say "I forbid you". We can just move out of their way. You two are simply not for each other. Him with controlling behavior and you with drinking and, quite possibly, cheating. And you are both better without each other. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think he is wrong about your drinking. If you cant control your alcohol intake and by your own admission "do stupid things", then you shouldnt drink. At all. You are probably young so you want to drink, have fun and all that. And that is good. But you need to realize yourself that drinking doesnt do you good. 

However I do think he is controlling. If a person wants to hit their head against the wall we cant say "I forbid you". We can just move out of their way. You two are simply not for each other. Him with controlling behavior and you with drinking and, quite possibly, cheating. And you are both better without each other. 

Yes. After my teens/early 20s I declined to date men whose attitude about drinking and drinking to excess was like the OPs - and when I did - it was a struggle because I couldn't parent the person.  In my early 20s OP I dated a man who had your attitude about drinking.  At one party he got really drunk (my limit was around half a beer/glass of wine -I was petite, I never got drunk, didn't want to ever never have been and I'm 57)- a woman at the party started coming on heavily to him.  He went for a walk on the beach. Her boyfriend got mad and asked me to go for a walk with him.  Stupidly I said yes and he started venting to me about his girlfriend. 

I did not hook up with him at all -in fact I was scared of him. Luckily I wasn't too far in the woods and found my way back.

Meanwhile my boyfriend told me later she made a pass and he declined (ended up being true actually -years later he told me he'd been in denial about being gay -and he is gay now).  He was really worried when he couldn't find me, she was mad at me.  He was really sick from drinking and we were camping there overnight.

It was a mess OP - and he did stop drinking to excess after that but years later I believe he had to do some sort of stint in rehab for drinking too much.  It can be that serious.  Don't mess around, ok? Not for this guy -for you.  He is being controlling - he should just walk away if he doesn't like your behavior and you like your behavior.  I'm just giving you an example of how choosing to drink means choosing consequences that can end up dangerous to others.

[boltnrun]

How much time do the two of you spend together physically in person?

[smackie9]

It doesn't feel right because it's not. You are who you are and if you are happy with who you are and what you do, then you should date someone who feels the same way about you. This is what I learned.....never change who you are to suit someone's expectations. That's foolish. I'm glad you are starting to see the light on this. You two are not compatible and should never had started dating. He's not the guy for you. And don't let him try and hoover you back....he's just gonna be the same old jerk he was the last time. 

[stella2345666]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How much time do the two of you spend together physically in person?

not a lot sadly

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, stella2345666 said:

not a lot sadly

Is it once a month? Or every few weeks? Does he come visit you or do you go visit him?

I'm just curious why he doesn't go to these parties with you if he's concerned about your safety.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, stella2345666 said:

not a lot sadly

That's excellent. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. While your drinking is concerning, it's up to you to manage it. 

[Andrina]

People should date others "as is." Not say, "Oh, I've learned how you are now, so you need to change in a major way."

What he should have done is broken up with you when he found out your different views on the topic of alcohol.

As for you, think about how you've surrounded yourself with people who believe its abnormal for you to choose not to drink at times. And when you regularly say and act in ways you wouldn't when sober, you're on the path of ruining your life. Seems like the group you're hanging around with has a balance that's too top heavy in drinking as the main way to have fun.

On one side of my family, alcoholism has run rampant. In the last 10 to 15 years, all but one went through AA to become sober and they all claim to be a million times happier in sobriety. Alcohol gives you a false feeling that it's improving your life, whereas the opposite is the truth when you regularly overindulge.

If you do choose to keep on with drinking to excess, at least have a plan in place for not driving while intoxicated. Call an driving company or plan in advance for someone sober to drive you home. Killing an innocent person because you didn't plan in advance is something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life.