Can never attract the ones I want

[jens90]

Hi everyone,

It's been the same all my life- I can never attract the men I want. For context, I'm 33 buy can pass for early 20s, have been a UK size 8-10 all my life and have been described as "stunning", "beautiful" and "striking". However, had severe acne as a teenager and was bullied a lot for it. I was called a "f****g ugly cow", a "minger" and a "scruffy/dirty cow" on a daily basis, by both boys and girls (sorry, I'm from England and some of you may not understand these words). 

The acne cleared up but I was left with lasting self esteem issues because of the bullying and the acne itself. I have good days but on my bad days i think im the ugliest thing in the country. As I say I've never been able to get the men I fancy. I'm hoping that this is because of the underlying self esteem and confidence issues, but I'm terrified that it's actually because I'm not really that good looking and I'm trying to shoot out of my league/looking for validation. 

For more context on this, I don't even go after the gorgeous, buff, macho male model Chris Hemsworth types that most women love. My type is reasonably fit, long-haired, sweet indie rocker types. I don't like men who are ***s or overly confident. I can attract men I don't really fancy no problem as I act myself around them because I'm not bothered about them liking me or not, but with men I fancy I get nervous and doubt myself, try to act "cool" and make a fool of myself. I have tried to give plenty of chances to men who are outside my type, but it never leads to anything more. Attraction is important to me. 

So is it my looks or is it my self esteem issues? I also have ADHD which doesn't help either. I feel so sad when i see couples who are obviously really into each other and scared that I'll have to settle if i ever want a loving healthy relationship (I dont want children so thats not a worry). 

Any advice would be appreciated but please be kind xx 

[Coily]

I hate to say it, but it's your type of men that is probably the root cause. Now, what that really means is you are likely self sabotaging when you are around the kind of man you like.  As you admitted you can be yourself around the men you have no interest in, lots of people suffer from that.

Part of it is self esteem, i would also venture to guess that there is some unresolved problems with your early dating/attracting a guy experiences that hinder your ability to relax. I have the same problem with women I find amazing, I found that I can ease past my hang ups with group functions.

Willing to bet you are stunning etc, but when you don't carry yourself with confidence, or shy away from the guys who you are attracted to, it's probably difficult for them to understand if it's reciprocal. I have seen very plain women with studly dudes, and have seen gorgeous women happily with bland guys; they just work well. So find ways to relax, not put on the facade of being cool. It's okay to tell the lame jokes, or not be perfect; just be yourself.

I wish you the best, hopefully soon you will find the right guy for you.

 

[jens90]

17 minutes ago, Coily said:

I hate to say it, but it's your type of men that is probably the root cause. Now, what that really means is you are likely self sabotaging when you are around the kind of man you like.  As you admitted you can be yourself around the men you have no interest in, lots of people suffer from that.

Part of it is self esteem, i would also venture to guess that there is some unresolved problems with your early dating/attracting a guy experiences that hinder your ability to relax. I have the same problem with women I find amazing, I found that I can ease past my hang ups with group functions.

Willing to bet you are stunning etc, but when you don't carry yourself with confidence, or shy away from the guys who you are attracted to, it's probably difficult for them to understand if it's reciprocal. I have seen very plain women with studly dudes, and have seen gorgeous women happily with bland guys; they just work well. So find ways to relax, not put on the facade of being cool. It's okay to tell the lame jokes, or not be perfect; just be yourself.

I wish you the best, hopefully son you will find the right guy for you.

 

Thanks. Yes I'm the same I've seen guys I like with women who I would consider not as attractive as me, but maybe she's confident, sure of herself and a great perosn 🙂

Ive also been told that I can come across as aloof or like I don't want to be bothered, which also puts most people off. Thanks so much for your commnet  x 

[SaiKiiAdou]

Have you considered that what you want and what you need are not necessarily the same thing? 

 

I used to be a ugly teenager and grew into an attractiv woman and for most of my twenties I went after a very specific typ of men: significantly older, well established, handsome and extroverted. 

Why? because thats the typ of guy that wouldnt even glance at me, had we been in highschool together and I wanted to prove to myself and the world that I could now get that kinda guy.

Of course all those relationships were terribly toxic and in some causes traumatic.

 

It wasent till I learned to prioritise how a guy treated me and made me feel that I found a healthy relationship.

Im not saying date someone you are not attracted to but maybe there are more important factors for a relationship than hair length?

[Lambert]

Sometimes it's not the right person. we all go through times like this.  As you know the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find one prince.

Don't settle. That never works out well.  In the end it takes two people with mutal interest to work out and it is rare.  that's why it's special.

Work on your self-esteem so that you can present yourself regardless of who is on the receiving end.  Self confidence, knowing who you are and what you want are definitely attractive. Getting nervous is normal. learn to cope with it. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, jens90 said:

My type is reasonably fit, long-haired, sweet indie rocker types.

And that is not "Chris Hemsworth type" how? Aside of his super- buffness ofcourse.

We usually should at least go for something we like physically. But if you cant score "Indie lead singer of the band rebelious type", maybe you are just not that hot and there is a big competition there. That would be like me going for, lets say "pharma saleswomen". All hot to sell you that sweet pharma pills and all reasonably well with money since they work for big pharma companies. So would need to be Chris Hemsworth or at least reasonably rich. Because they can literally choose from a big pool of men and you need to stand out. What I am trying to say is, its not really viable target to have for dating. And I think that if you dont have success, you should try to lower your standards, sorry. It wont bring you happiness in the long run as you dont really have success and it would just bring you down. And yes, I think it is because of previous issues with looks and validation. Which would require a proper therapy. And not trying to fix those issues by trying to score lead singers of UK indie bands. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jens90 said:

My type is reasonably fit, long-haired, sweet indie rocker types. I don't like men who are ***s or overly confident. I can attract men I don't really fancy no problem 

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is make the best of your physical and mental health and take care of yourself and your health. 

Please join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, and broaden your social horizons to make friends with like-minded people and talk to men regularly that you have something in common with. 

Additionally get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Please reconsider this extremely narrow criteria for "your type". Especially since shallow people attract other shallow people. 

[Coily]

2 hours ago, jens90 said:

Thanks. Yes I'm the same I've seen guys I like with women who I would consider not as attractive as me, but maybe she's confident, sure of herself and a great perosn 🙂

Ive also been told that I can come across as aloof or like I don't want to be bothered, which also puts most people off. Thanks so much for your commnet  x 

I too have been called aloof, which for me stems from being nervous. I have to pump myself up to enter some social settings, and put on the charm and wit. it's a very personal thing to work on, but i will say with friends it's a little easier.

Also consider looking at the qualities of the men you are attracted to, and see if you can find those in other guys. There are some people who get hung up in the crowd that a type  of person is in, rather than the elements that lead them there.

As always, best of luck.

[catfeeder]

Attraction to a physical 'type' is painfully limiting. I did the same thing. I formed fantasies and fell in love with those pictures. I'd form relationships with guys who met my physical ideals, and then I'd grow bored. Sure, I'd made my pictures happen, but was 'this' all there is?

I had not grown into my SELF yet. I had not formed interests and passions beyond movies and novels and music bands. I'd go to bars or parties, but the only things to bond me with attractive guys were music, parties and bars.

In college I started forming crushes on brilliant but not so handsome professors. On jobs I'd grow captivated by talented but not so great looking project leaders. While volunteering, I'd go wild for the men who inspired me, regardless of their looks.

I started breaking out of my own mold of visual ideals.

I leaned how to fall 'in love' with intelligence, humor, the workings of a man's mind--his creativity, his wit, his ability to plug into my ways of thinking, even while he helped me to expand my perceptions and my definitions of what turned me on.

A desire to break out of a physical mold of attraction may not be enough. Expanding one's exposure to exciting things beyond the habits of living inside one's own head can cultivate a broader perspective on 'hot'. Otherwise, even if you can 'win' an attraction, you may not share a common bond over anything beyond artifice. So whatever you might 'win' based on the physical can fall short of real intimacy--the kind of simpatico where two people can whisper their secrets to one another.

The mind is our most potent sex organ. We need to expand it by living outside of habits.

[Andrina]

What do you do to put yourself out there to meet men? What's the average, per month, that you go on a first meet? If rarely, begin looking into what's going on locally where you could meet men your age.

If you've trained your brain to only seek one particular type, perhaps tell yourself that you'll keep an open mind about finding some traits you can love about a man who doesn't fall in the category you've zeroed in on.

With you not acting yourself around guys your type, that's going to take re-framing things. Instead of the goal of trying to impress a man, which you can see doesn't work, because he won't fall for someone he can see isn't being genuine, you'll need to enjoy the moment in a different way. Do not project to the future. Be in the moment with a goal of finding out what he is all about, and share what is interesting about yourself. Talk about what you like and dislike about your job, what you like to do for fun in your spare time, and those sorts of normal topics in the beginning stages. When you ask him questions, really listen and don't be thinking ahead to what you'll say next. 

Obviously, what you've done in the past hasn't worked. TIme to change things up for hopefully better results.

[Cherylyn]

If you want to attract the type of men you want,  you have to have less focus on them and more on  yourself.  Success attracts success.  Concentrate on your health,  career,  upward mobility and striving to be the best you can be.  Men of the same or better caliber are doing the same. 

It's your self esteem.  Build your self confidence and everything else falls into place.  I've noticed that women who don't have to try so hard to attract others seem to automatically attract the right type of men because men find a woman's self confidence and her own achievements to be extremely attractive.  Think about it. 

 

[Capricorn3]

On 1/31/2024 at 4:04 AM, jens90 said:

Ive also been told that I can come across as aloof or like I don't want to be bothered, which also puts most people off.

^ I think the answer lies there.  When people get that "don't bother me" vibe, they will head in the opposite direction.  I think this is where you have to make changes.

Give people a chance, especially those you always overlook.  I ended up with someone who was completely opposite to "my type".  Totally and completely opposite in every way, lol. Been married way longer than you've been alive.  Yes, it does happen.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with Capricorn3.  Try being amiable instead of unapproachable.