I'm heartbroken that my GF of 5 years lied to me about having a rela

[bluegill]

Over the past 5 years, my GF (she's 32, I'm 33) has lied to me about her past, and while I was able to get over the first few lies, I wasn't prepared to to hear what she told me yesterday. Previously, she admitted that in the past, she lied to me about male orbiters on her social media (claimed they were friends), the fact that she was promiscuous with another guy up through the first week when we started dating. She lied a couple different times about her body count, and told me a complete fib about how she lost her virginity. There was a guy she was messaging on Facebook who kept asking her for foot pictures: she previously lied that this was some random person, but later revealed it was indeed someone she had been intimate with. For context, these are all things we ironed out in the first year of the relationship. While I forgave, I still felt betrayed and always have wondered what else did she keep from me. I wonder in the future, what other stories she has shared with me will continue to change.

Well yesterday she spilled the beans again. She told me that a guy we have hung out with many times before, a friend in a clique who is now married to another friend in that clique, was actually someone my GF dated and had intimacy with before we met. I was pretty shocked and hurt by this; heartbroken that I have been lied to for 5 years. And I'm very upset that I was the only person not cued in on these details. To make matters worse, this guy has cheated on his wife multiple times, whom he has 2 children with. I can't help but wonder if my GF has cheated on me with this guy while he cheated on his wife. I wonder what else I have been lied to about. How am I supposed to trust her? I don't feel like I will be able to get over this. I know that, at the very least, it would take drastic measures, like cutting all ties with this entire clique, who were originally my GF's friends. I'm now dealing with intrusive thoughts about her and that guy being intimate and I can't escape the feelings of embarrassment, shame, and disrespect from all the contexts we have hung out together.

I will say that apart from these lies, the relationship has been fine. We have lived together for 5 years, we have adopted pets together, and after 5 years we have certainly been considering marriage and having kids. However, now I'm not sure if I can shake the feeling that I've been living a big lie. I'm starting to question if this woman is the person I thought she was, and if she truly lives up to my expectations.

Has anybody ever gone through something like this here? Is there any valid reason to keep going? I'm not sure what is best for me at this point. It seems like continuing the relationship and ending it would hurt equally the same. If I were to continue this relationship, I have a lot of work to do to make sure I am happy and can trust again. Please help!

[Starlight925]

10 minutes ago, bluegill said:

Has anybody ever gone through something like this here? Is there any valid reason to keep going? 

Yes.  And no.

[Carus]

28 minutes ago, bluegill said:

I have a lot of work to do to make sure I am happy and can trust again.

Yes, you do.....

Were these 'Lies' or just things she hasn't told you yet? I think there's a difference there right?

Sounds like most of what she's told you all happened in the past......

Why is she telling you these things now? Well, possibly because she want's to clear her conscience so she can move forward more with you.....It's obviously something that sits inside her and it's good she wants to be honest with you right....?

Let me ask you: Would you rather not know these things....? Would you rather she feel she can't be open and honest with you?

You need to be her rock. Not a doormat. Get some Corey Wayne into your blood.

I had a client once who was convinced his wife was having affairs when it turns out she wasn't. He drove himself into that hole and had to do a lot of work to pull himself out of it.....I only worked with him. I never met his wife......

Fortunately he was able to turn it around and last I heard his marriage was back on track*

And I will leave you with this: Affairs never last nor end well. So if there is anything going on, it will all come out eventually and you can deal with it then.

So in the meantime, don't drive yourself into a straight jacket thinking too much*

Regards*

[Kwothe28]

Are you really surprised that somebody who lied to you about almost everything regarding her previous dating life, has lied to you again regarding it? Liers and cheaters stay just that. You showed that you are willing to stay with somebody who lied to you all the time. So her lying didnt had any consequences to stop. As you showed her that you are completely fine with it. 

Which leads me to the next thing. You are with somebody who is like that for 5 years. You wont leave. Most you can do is wonder and turn the blind eye to her lies and actions. Without getting the courage and leave for good. Sadly.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, bluegill said:

 We have lived together for 5 years, we have adopted pets together, and after 5 years we have certainly been considering marriage and having kids. However.......

Are you happy with the relationship? It seems she has a habit of TMI and would be better focusing on your current relationship rather than whatever happened in her past.  Ask her not to share this much. If you would like to go forward consider couples counseling to address the obsession with the past and why she keeps bringing that up. 

[lostandhurt]

7 hours ago, bluegill said:

However, now I'm not sure if I can shake the feeling that I've been living a big lie

   You weren't living a lie, she was.  You were honest and sincere but she hid things and outright lied to your face.  This is not your shame to feel it is hers.  I wonder if she is remorseful.

7 hours ago, bluegill said:

I have a lot of work to do to make sure I am happy and can trust again. Please help!

  You have a lot of work yes but it is to heal from being lied to and betrayed by the person you love more than anyone in this world.  Happiness will come to you once again as you see what is important in your life.  Trust builds over time but can be ruined in an instant and to be totally straight with you never returns to the level it once was no matter how much she shows you she is trust worthy.

  Here are my questions before any of us can give you any meaningful advice.

1 What prompted her spilling the beans?

2 What is her explanation for the multiple lies?

3 Is she remorseful?

4 Does she seem to care how much this hurts you?

5 What is her proposal to remedy what she has done?

In the end it isn't what you do, it is what she does that will tell you your next move.  Forbidding her to hang out with her ex's or communicating with ex's is not your place and is controlling. If the roles were reversed I would imagine you would instantly remove any and all people from your life that could possibly endanger the relationship more while you both work to heal and rebuild trust.  I am curious what her attitude is...

Lost 

[bluecastle]

This is just my own opinion, but I invariably raise an eyebrow when I hear of couples devoting time and oxygen to discussing "body counts" and the minute details of how their virginity was "lost." These are generally the obsessions of high school cafeterias and tabloids, not the glue of bonding between adults.  

So, in the name of better understanding the big picture here, I ask: How on earth is it that these completely meaningless things became mainstays of your early courtship? Were you often asking her about her past, about men, perhaps fearing "where she had been" and requiring all the details to sate your anxiety? Or was she in the habit of freely sharing saucy details—Facebook foot-fetish orbiters, a play by play of her first time, and so on—in shards that, upon further inquiry, turned out to be half-truths? 

Some clarity there would be helpful. 

Anyhow, I get that you are right now focused on the recent "reveal," as anyone would be. But from where I sit it seems that what's happening now is likely connected to a larger dynamic you two have co-constructed over the course of the past five years, one where litigating past sexual choices (specifically hers) is a norm. Without knowing more it's hard to say whether yesterday was another instant of TMI on her end or a hiccup of shame-fear connected to earlier interrogation sessions—or, of course, something else entirely.  

But I do think it's probably a more complicated story than you being victimized by a lie. What you've described, after all, is not quite a lie. It's an instant of her not being transparent about something until yesterday. Why is she so scared to talk to you about things? That your first read on this is that she has been cheating on you might be sign—but, all in all, if you want anything like a future you're going to have to find a way to be curious about her reasons for only telling you now rather than assuming the absolute worst. 

And if that's not possible? Well, I'd say that might mean you may both be better off in relationships where past choices don't eclipse the present. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, bluegill said:

 I'm now dealing with intrusive thoughts about her and that guy being intimate. It seems like continuing the relationship and ending it would hurt equally the same. 

You posted this under "infidelity", has she ever been unfaithful or is that your fear? Is she volunteering this information or are you asking about body counts, virginity,  who is this guy, who is that guy, etc? 

While people should be honest, if you are asking intrusive questions, it could be viewed as protecting her privacy.

Has she ever said "none of your business" rather than just making something up? The lies are problematic but so is the obsession with her past and fear of "promiscuity" and infidelity. 

If you don't want to get married, just say so but please get couples counseling to explore boundaries, TMI and possible "Othello syndrome". 

You claim everything else is ok but she lies about her past, so it's a tough call unless you both figure out what's really going on. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I invariably raise an eyebrow when I hear of couples devoting time and oxygen to discussing "body counts" and the minute details of how their virginity was "lost." These are generally the obsessions of high school cafeterias and tabloids, not the glue of bonding between adults.  

Well put. Teenagers haven't learned discretion in what they voluntarily say or are pressured into speaking about, but I believe adults don't 'owe' any explanations of their sexual history beyond a clean STD test and an honest report of their marital and parental status and history.

I can also appreciate as intimacy deepens over time some discussion of reasons for the demise of a prior relationship--confiding the most important observations and lessons learned with regard to how these experiences will enhance or hinder one's ability to navigate a current relationship. Possibly raising which hot buttons may still be in progress to learn how to manage.

But sex counts and details, WHY go there? That's a big mess for zero payoff. Have you noticed?

 

[poorlittlefish]

These things happened in the past, before you two ever met.  They were part of HER past, at a time when she was within her rights to do whatever she pleased.  Maybe she lied because you were pushing her for information and she sensed that telling the truth would cause a massive row and you'd end the relationship.  All the stuff that went on before you is really none of your business.  She cannot change her past.  You should not ask anything more about it and she should not tell you anything more about it.  Surely the most important thing is that your girlfriend is being faithful and not engaging in inappropriate behaviour?  If you feel that this is not the case, then don't be with her.  

[smackie9]

You don't like what you see? dump her and move on. Simple as that.

[Jaunty]

At this point I don't see any way back for you and this woman.  She didn't tell you the truth, you don't trust her now and have her pegged as a liar.

I hope that for the future you will NOT do this "body count" and expectation of full details of a person's past sex life with women you date.

That part of a person's past is theirs to keep private.

There is no benefit to knowing all of that stuff.   And having it as something that needs to be revealed is putting a person in a spot where they may feel very cornered and not know how to react.   Yes, she could and should have said "I'm sorry but I don't think that's your business," but that takes quite a bit of confidence and strong boundaries.   It could be very difficult.   

Yes, a general sense of how a person views sexuality (if they were very sexually adventurous when single and you were trying to "save yourself" for true love for example) can play into compatibility a lot.   Yes, share about divorces and infidelity in your past and expect to be told about that.  

But body count, how virginity was lost, etc?  No. 

[lostandhurt]

bluegill,

 You have read all the posts here on this advice forum but have not commented or answered any of the questions asked of you.  Did anything resonate with you?  Was it not what you wanted to hear?

 I think there is more to this story than we have heard.  It is safe to tell us as that is the only way forward with these types of things, laying it all out there...

 Lost