Need advice - feeling insecure about my gf's relationship with her male friend

[primtetime95]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now, and we've encountered a couple of situations with one of her male friends whom she was close with in the past. I need to provide some background information first so that you can fully understand what is going on. She and I became good friends a few years before we pursued a romantic relationship. During the early stages of our friendship, she revealed to me that a long time ago, she had a crush on one of her close friends (I will refer to him as Jared in this post). It didn't bother me at the time, obviously because we were just friends.

A couple of years later, right before she and I began our relationship, she started using Jared as a way to make me jealous. We had yet to admit our feelings for each other, and it became obvious that she was using Jared as a way to get my attention. For example, she would post about him all the time or bring him up in conversation more than she had in the past. After we began dating, I confronted her about it and let her know that I was unhappy with the way she used him to make me jealous. She apologized and agreed that it was unfair and immature, promising that nothing like that would ever happen again. (I also want to add that this was over three years ago, and we were obviously quite a bit younger than - I feel like she is definitely more emotionally mature now).

As our relationship progressed, I decided to be cordial with Jared. All three of us had a group chat at one point where we would talk here and there, and we even added each other on social media. However, Jared became cold and distant towards my girlfriend, and I started to get the vibe that he was jealous and had feelings for her. When I brought this up to my girlfriend, she just played it off and gave another excuse for his behavior. However, everything came to a head when they got into an argument about it. I eventually got involved and asked Jared if he had feelings for my girlfriend. He got mad and deleted us both on social media. We haven't heard from him in close to two years.

A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend let me know that Jared had added her back on Facebook and wanted to talk to her. She asked me how I felt about it, and I told her I was uncomfortable, but that I wasn't going to stop her from speaking to him if that's what she wanted to do. Eventually, they talked, and she said they hashed everything out. She told me that he apologized about how he treated her and said that it had nothing to do with our relationship. She also told me that she gave him boundaries and let him know that he cannot disrespect me or our relationship again. This made me feel a bit better because I felt reassured that there would be strict boundaries between them, and I also let my girlfriend know that I wasn't interested in trying to be cordial with him again.

This weekend, his Facebook page pops up, so I decide to go look at it. The first thing I see are a couple of selfies he posted, and my girlfriend had liked the post. One of the pictures was of him shirtless, and I immediately got upset and felt disrespected. I feel as if this is crossing a boundary, as I'm sure she would not appreciate me liking a picture of a half-naked friend if the roles were reversed in this scenario. She also knows that I've been feeling insecure lately because I've gained some weight, and her and I also don't have sex as much as we used to. I'm thinking that my insecurities are also adding to how I am feeling after seeing his Facebook page.

I want to talk to her, but I don't know how to bring this up. I also don't want her to think that I am accusing her of something, but I do have trauma from my past relationships and I worry that she isn't being completely honest with me. Obviously, knowing that she once had feelings for him, as well as her using him to make me jealous in the past, adds to how I feel about the entire situation. Am I overreacting? How should I approach this conversation? I don't want to overstep and seem like I am controlling what she can do or who she can be friends with, but I am not sure how I should get over this whole situation. Any advice would be appreciated. TIA!

[boltnrun]

You responded on another person's thread that you're in a long distance relationship. How long was your relationship before it became long distance? How far apart are you? And how much time do you two spend together physically in person in an average month? And is this Jared also long distance or is he geographically close to her?

[primtetime95]

We have been long distance our entire relationship. We recently have been talking about moving in together finally, as she's looking for work in the state where I reside. Her friend Jared is also long distance as he lives on the other side of the country. 

We typically try to see each other every couple of months, but it has been harder recently due to finances. We don't live close enough to drive, so we have to fly, but I am headed to see her within the next couple of weeks. 

[boltnrun]

I'm still unclear, how did you two meet? In person or online? 

If you did find one another online, are you concerned about Jared because he "met" her the same way you did (online), and she could potentially get into a relationship based on online communication with him like she did with you?

[smackie9]

Her making you jealous and all the other things she does is her being manipulative. that's the kind of person she is. This shouldn't be questioned, it's a fact she's been awful to you since the beginning. She needs to be punted to the curb. 

[primtetime95]

@boltnrun My apologies for the confusion. Yes, we did meet online. Her and her friend Jared met in person years ago as they went to the same school. They now no longer live near one another and havent since before she and I started dating. My concerns arent really based around them having become friends in person, moreso the situation im in currently.

[boltnrun]

OK, so that makes more sense. She knew him in person long before you two started communicating online. I can see why that would make you nervous.

Why has it been three entire years of a mostly virtual relationship? It's very difficult to maintain a sense of intimacy when interactions are mainly via an electronic device. 

[primtetime95]

It's not really them knowing each other for longer that makes me nervous. Honestly, I'm not sure I even really thought about that until now lol. It's really just the situations that we've been in because of him (her using him to make me jealous/her having feelings for him in the past/her liking the shirtless picture). I'm just not sure how to bring this up to her or what I should say. 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why has it been three entire years of a mostly virtual relationship? It's very difficult to maintain a sense of intimacy when interactions are mainly via an electronic device. 

Curious about this. 

[primtetime95]

@boltnrun It definitely is very difficult to maintain a virtual relationship. We are actively working on moving in together, but it's been tough with certain financial/personal issues that haven't allowed us to be together just yet. 

The first two years of the relationship I feel like we did a great job at romance/phone sex etc. But the last year or so, that has really dwindled almost to a complete halt. Even the last time I visited her in person, we did not really have much romantic or sexual interaction. Every other part of our relationship is strong, though. But now with this Jared situation coming back up, it's making me feel very insecure, especially with how little sexual interaction we have anymore, and me feeling like maybe she isn't physically attracted to me anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, primtetime95 said:

 She also knows that I've been feeling insecure lately because I've gained some weight, and her and I also don't have sex as much as we used to. I'm thinking that my insecurities are also adding to how I am feeling after seeing his Facebook page.

Sorry this is happening. It's a difficult situation because of the distance as well as this questionable friendship. Although she did confer with you about reestablishing this friendship, it seems insensitive to comment or react publicly to his whatever beefcake type pics. 

Please try to be more secure about it. It's understandable with the decline in sexual activity and your weight concerns that you feel she's somehow admiring this guy, which is not cool.

Try to have a heart to heart talk about where the relationship is going and what's up with her need to publicly comment on his pics. 

[runbackthru]

first, i want to say that you are validated in how you feel. your girlfriend weaponized her past feelings for this person as a way to make you jealous, which is not okay. no matter how long ago it was. from what you've told us, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend really understands the mental gymnastics she has put you through in regards to this situation. it seems like she wanted you to be jealous, and then once you two started dating, she tried to foster a friendship between the two of you (let me know if i misinterpreted that part of your story). that right there is a giant red flag to me, because in no way should she expect you to be friends or even cordial after telling you that she had past feelings for this guy. if it were her, i doubt she would want to be friends with an ex or someone you had feelings for.

it seems like you also told her that you were uncomfortable with them speaking again, but she did it anyway. and in my view, you are not overreacting by being upset about her liking a shirtless picture on his facebook. it's inappropriate and a clear crossing of a boundary that should have been set, like she said, if they were going to try and be friends again. 

the only thing you can really do here is have a chat with her. i wouldn't come at it from an angle of accusing her of anything, but just tell her how you really feel. try to explain it to her in a way that will allow her to see it from your point of view. i feel like if she respects your relationship, she will take what you say into account and most likely stop talking to this person. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, primtetime95 said:

Even the last time I visited her in person, we did not really have much romantic or sexual interaction. Every other part of our relationship is strong, though. But now with this Jared situation coming back up, it's making me feel very insecure, especially with how little sexual interaction we have anymore, and me feeling like maybe she isn't physically attracted to me anymore. 

I'd limit the issue to my concerns about our dwindling romantic and sexual interaction. That's enough of a focus, and anything else only distracts and detracts from that. Raising GF 'liking' a shirtless pic comes off as a needy and ridiculous distraction from your actual problem.

Don't do that. You already have a valid issue to discuss about your interactions. Dragging someone else into it would be the opposite of helpful. If I were to accept an apology from an old friend, and suddenly that friend posted an unfortunate pose on SM, it would be nothing more than a 'whatever' for me to click 'like' because we just made up.

'Shoulding' another's social media clicks can cause more trouble than your actual problem. Address your romantic and sexual issues at face value, and don't blur them by reaching for something so irrelevant.

[Andrina]

When your relationship isn't that solid to begin with, and she hasn't even spoken to her "friend" in years and done just fine, I find the reconnection to be a big red flag. She cares more about some "spark" or attention or ego boost by connecting with this other guy than making you upset.

She doesn't seem like a prized partner to me. It's no wonder she has failed to ever have a serious bf before you because her behavior from the get-go would drive off any self-respecting guy.

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, primtetime95 said:

I want to talk to her, but I don't know how to bring this up.

Lots of people here come with the same dilema. How their SO has best friend of opposite sex and they are innapropriate. You need to know that there is no stopping to that. Because your girlfriend wont stop no matter what you say to her. She is inapropriate because she likes the attention she gets from some shirtless guy she knows. When you mention it to her she may apologize and say how she will be more careful. But she wont stop. If you want a loyal girlfriend then you should find a different one, sorry.

[boltnrun]

The fact that she chooses online men to have relationships with us definitely a reason to be concerned. After all, she started with you without actually meeting you in person first. And she knew Jared in person before she ever started communicating online with you.

Has she ever said anything like she would have dated him if he hadn't moved away?

[Batya33]

She showed and told you who she was from the beginning. A person who justifies acting in an immature and manipulative way to get attention. I’m sorry for your past trauma. It’s irrelevant here. This is a person who is self absorbed and loves the notion of men fighting over her and being jealous. She likes objectifying men on social media. What about this is appealing? Is it’s because it’s easier to live the thrill of the chase especially when it’s long distance and little chance of being a consistent in person relationship?