partner prioritises her daughter over everything

[Ted]

Hi

I am new and this is my first post as I am looking for some advice please, I have tried to convince my partner to do counselling with me but she refuses to discuss her daughter in any sessions, the daughter is a huge, but unacknowledged issue.

We have been living together, unit recently for 3 years.  I have always had a partner and lived with someone and kind of go with the flow and understand that everyone is different 

She has not really ever lived with anyone in years, just been her and her daughter (17)

So anyway her and her daughter moved out recently as her daughter wanted her own toilet and not share with my son (15) so they moved out.  Yes I am serious.

While I have many concerns this is one I would like some opinions on:

During the weekend I was violently sick, vomiting non stop, I could barely get off the bed, no energy, a very bad case of gastro - I lost 4kg in one day after 8 hours of constant vomiting and dry reaching to give you an idea of how bad it was.

She came to visit me on Sunday afternoon, she only comes when her daughter is out doing something else, otherwise she has said that her daughter is always the priority and will stay with her.

Despite me being so clearly unwell on a Sunday she didn't stay to make sure I was ok because she had to leave at 4.30 to make her daughters diner, so left me lying in bed and went back to her daughter.

Now I could fully understand this if her daughter was young, didn't have a car, didn't have plenty of money and didn't enjoy eating out at every possible opportunity, but that isn't the case.

Yes, I would have liked some attention, yes I would have liked to seen that I matter and I would have liked her to say you are really sick, I want to stay and look after you a bit longer.  Had the situation been different then I would not leave her sight until she was better, I guess I just expect the same in return.

Am I being selfish?  Should she have prioritised my health and wellbeing on this one occasion?

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

She isn’t ready to be going out with anyone. While one’s children should be the priority she is very extreme. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Ted said:

 She has not really ever lived with anyone in years, just been her and her daughter (17)So anyway her and her daughter moved out recently as her daughter wanted her own toilet and not share with my son (15) so they moved out.  

Sorry this is happening.  Hope you are feeling better. How long were you living together? When did she move out? 

It seems like a good idea she and her daughter moved out if you have different parenting styles and the daughter was uncomfortable. 

Unfortunately since the daughter is a minor child, the daughter is your GFs primary responsibility. 

Your GF is correct that her daughter is her and the father's business and shouldn't be a topic of discussion in your therapy.  She seems to have resolved the parenting issue by moving out.

Even though you two tried to work things out and blend families. Sadly moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. 

[Ted]

Thank you for your feedback.

We lived together for 3 years, she moved out about 6 weeks ago and we are looking for a bigger house at the moment to move back in again, can you guess the prerequisites?  Yes 3 toilets. its not like the current house is a dump, its an average size house in a fantastic beachside suburb with a nice pool, but sadly only 2 toilets.

I thought we need to discuss the daughter as she is such an influence on all her decisions and lives with us full time (my son is only 50%).

To give you an example, she saw a house to look at, I agreed, we were ready to look at it, but her daughter didn't like the look of it so we didn't even look at it, that is the impact the daughter has on our relationship, that is just one example of hundreds.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Ted said:

I thought we need to discuss the daughter as she is such an influence on all her decisions 

The daughter is not the problem. She's a child. Your GF seems to have some unresolved issues and is hiding behind the daughter as an excuse. While they were living in your house it's fine to have house rules you agree on. 

[Ted]

Fully agree with you, but we need to discuss the daughter to get to the root problem, its hard to get to the cause if we don't discuss the way it is being exhibited.

[Seraphim]

What she is telling you is her child is her 100% priority period and not up for discussion. As her daughter is a minor and 100% her responsibility she owes her child a life. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation of what rooms she has in her house . If she is paying 100% herself she is beholden to no one . 

[MissCanuck]

I have the strong impression your girlfriend is intentionally keeping her distance from you, and using her daughter as the excuse all the time. 

Moving out is extreme, and it certainly didn't have to go that way. She is letting her daughter call the shots, and honestly? I think she likes it that way because it means she doesn't need to admit she doesn't want to live with you, either.

She's got one foot out the door and pretends it's all her daughter's doing. 

 

[Ted]

No it certainly didn't have to go that way, but I do recall the statement that my partner made when they first moved in, if daughter isn't happy she will move out and she did so.

While yes I can see what you are saying the examples are extreme, in recent months the daughter has convinced her mum to buy a apple watch, only to then return it because she related she did not like it, she even influenced the car that she purchased, I told her at the time it wasn't a wise choice but left it to her to decide of course, but daughter wanted the badge prestige so mum bought the car, now realised it was a mistake and selling it at a loss.

to further give you an idea, mums car was hit by another car recently, the daughter is extremely aggressive and dominant, so the daughter snatches the phone from the male driver of the other car and starts going through it and refuses to return it to him, mum was proud if her for doing this, all I could think was that this could have ended very very badly.

It is almost like the daughter takes on the male role in their relationship. 

Having said that we do get along pretty well and daughter confides in my quite often.

to make matters even worse, daughter is 18 in a few weeks so mum is now finding herself lonely in her apartment (when I am not available) and says that I do everything for that girl and she treats me like garbage.

So what I am saying that this is more extreme than our relationship.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Ted said:

mum was proud if her for doing this

This is the main problem. Your GF is driving this dynamic. 

[Ted]

Yes, agreed, she actually encourages this dominant behaviour and says its good for the daughter to be like that, hence I feel the need to discuss this at counselling.

[Seraphim]

Her daughter could have been arrested for theft, but let her handle that. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Ted said:

Yes, agreed, she actually encourages this dominant behaviour and says its good for the daughter to be like that, hence I feel the need to discuss this at counselling.

Sorry this is happening. Please rethink buying a house together. Unfortunately your GF has you completely focused on the daughter. A child.  Please stop and reflect on this. 

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, Ted said:

mum was proud if her for doing this

Mum is the problem. 

It's not just that she prioritizes her daughter, it's also that she sets a very poor example for her and encourages bad behaviour.

Shame on her for that. It would be foolish to buy a house with her. Her values are screwy. 

[redswim30]

Hey OP, 

I am sorry you are going through this. BUT- this is your GF's problem. 

There's a difference between "dominant behavior" and aggressiveness. The fact that her mother isn't teaching her this difference is horrifying.  Maybe she'll learn this when someone who isn't her parent has to deal with this aggressiveness and she gets into some serious trouble. 

Listen, OP- I'm a stepparent.  And you are right, it can be INSANELY challenging to keep your mouth shut when you see ways the child is being raised or has been raised that you disagree with.  But it's important to remember that no matter how frustrating it can be, they are the child in this situation.  After all, she did not choose you, her mother did.  It's her mother that is both causing the problems and refusing to address them. 

I'm very lucky, because when I first got together with my husband, his kids weren't jazzed to meet me.  But HE stepped in and told them, " I know I did not raise you to be this rude.  Someone is kindly greeting you, please respond to her." 

Sadly, not all parents are good at disciplining their children or drawing lines in the sand about how they are expected to treat others.  Sounds like your partner sucks at it. 

Also, sorry to tell you- Most parents, no matter how badly the child behaves- and especially THESE days with the "my kid is perfect" attitudes- most will NOT take kindly to criticism of their children, even if it's warranted.   This is an either deal with it or consider moving on type of deal.  (You also are now getting a taste of why being a stepparent is the toughest job in the world.  You should really consider if dating someone with a kid is right for you)

The good news is the daughter is 17 and will maybe go to college in a year and do some growing up.  But I do understand you, teen behavior can be tough to deal with. 

For the record, I DO think your GF is too unhealthily attached to her daughter, I DO think she is teaching and enforcing terrible behavior that will get her in trouble or at least make her wildly unpopular.  But none of this is the core issue.  Your GF does not stand up for you or make you a priority.  Those are HER choices that really have nothing to do with her difficult daughter. 

 

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you were so sick. She’s a package deal. It’s totally fine you’re not into the way she parents. She’s not going to change so I’d chalk this up to incompatibility. 
I have a friend with an adult daughter who is like this. Years ago I used to try to talk with her on the phone. But there were constant and annoying interruptions each and every time. A lot because of non emergency stuff with her daughter who was then maybe 20.
My last straw was when I was in the middle of telling her something important and her daughter texted her with a question about whether she could eat a leftover prepared meal for lunch. That took priority over my important discussion. Now we only text and if I’m in town we sometimes see each other. I like her daughter a lot. And I’m never going to criticize her parenting. But I’ve chosen to have certain boundaries as I don’t want to have a phone convo interrupted multiple times if daughter texts about random stuff.  

[Jaunty]

I agree with the general consensus that your gf is too wrapped up with her daughter and I too would question many of her parenting choices. 

That said, though:  

1) You seem pretty wrapped up in your gf's parenting choices outside of how they relate to the two of you.   Her parenting is really none of your business.  

2) If you have the means, and it sounds like you (and/ or your gf do)  it's not outlandish for a 17 year old girl to not want to share a bathroom with a 15 year old boy who is not in her family.   Of course if he were her little brother she still might hate sharing a bathroom, but this is a different situation.  

[tattoobunnie]

5 hours ago, Ted said:

She has not really ever lived with anyone in years, just been her and her daughter (17)

Am I being selfish?  Should she have prioritised my health and wellbeing on this one occasion?

I guarantee the daughter probably been walking in on your son doing "stuff"

They aren't siblings.  It's beyond gross to have to worry about a 15 year old catching a glimpse at her boobs.

And you aren't being selfish, but neither is she.  Sorry if I am being harsh (my brother has inoperable cancer right now, so I'm a bit sore of what people claim as "so ill"), but you are a grown man with credit cards, and can order Doordash or Uber Eats if you're hungry.  What did you expect her to do? Hang out with you while you're locked in the bathroom?

[Tinydance]

Well I think that in this whole situation it's actually your girlfriend's fault that the daughter is like this. She spoils her to the extreme and thinks she can do no wrong. And the fact that she praised her for grabbing the guy's phone and wouldn't give it back is just so wrong. If a person hit your car, you just have to exchange car insurance details. If you act aggressive towards them or steal their phone, you are also the one committing a crime. 

I think this whole situation is coming from the fact that your girlfriend actually doesn't want anything to change. She wants it to be this way and that's why she avoids discussing her daughter in therapy. 

She's been teaching her daughter some very bad values. A lot of parents when shopping and kids beg to buy things will say: "No because you can't always have everything you want". Whereas your girlfriend has raised her daughter with the message: "You CAN always have everything you want." So she acts spoiled and entitled.

What are the daughter's plans after finishing high school? Will she be going to college or moving away? Unfortunately I think the only way to deal with this problem is to hope the daughter will move away as an adult and live her own life.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think that in this whole situation it's actually your girlfriend's fault that the daughter is like this. She spoils her to the extreme and thinks she can do no wrong. And the fact that she praised her for grabbing the guy's phone and wouldn't give it back is just so wrong. If a person hit your car, you just have to exchange car insurance details. If you act aggressive towards them or steal their phone, you are also the one committing a crime. 

I think this whole situation is coming from the fact that your girlfriend actually doesn't want anything to change. She wants it to be this way and that's why she avoids discussing her daughter in therapy. 

She's been teaching her daughter some very bad values. A lot of parents when shopping and kids beg to buy things will say: "No because you can't always have everything you want". Whereas your girlfriend has raised her daughter with the message: "You CAN always have everything you want." So she acts spoiled and entitled.

What are the daughter's plans after finishing high school? Will she be going to college or moving away? Unfortunately I think the only way to deal with this problem is to hope the daughter will move away as an adult and live her own life.

I wouldn't go there with judging her parenting because it's besides the point here.  He's not her parent or her stepparent.  It's like any situation where a person comes as a package deal -maybe it's a child, a dog, an aging parent, etc- and the way that person interacts with that person or animal results in a dealbreaker incompatibility. 

It's most often a dealbreaker because that family member isn't going anywhere and the person isn't willing to change how she or he interacts.  I mean I had friends drop me once I became a mom and wouldn't get a sitter in order to meet the person's new boyfriend on her terms -at a restaurant at night without my son.  That happened with a potential new friend as well -and she was a mom!

We had very different priorities and it was so important I meet him in this context she stopped inviting me out.  It happens.  It's sad.  She probably thought I was foolish for not wanting to get a sitter - too hovering/overprotective -whatever -who cares because it just highlights a dealbreaker incompatibility (on her end).

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Ted said:

...mum is now finding herself lonely in her apartment (when I am not available) and says that I do everything for that girl and she treats me like garbage.

So what I am saying that this is more extreme than our relationship.

When she complains about daughter, it might be worth a try to sympathize, and then ask if she might consider working privately with a counselor (as opposed to raising this as a couples' issue).

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Ted said:

 for the daughter to be like that, hence I feel the need to discuss this at counselling.

Unfortunately trying to discuss the daughter and your GFs parenting isn't working. In fact so much so that they moved out.

Try a completely different approach. Don't discuss the daughter at all. Speak direct to your GF about her (your GF) and I completely leave the daughter out of the discussion and equation. 

The daughter is a symptom, not the problem and no, it won't be fixed as soon as she's 18, so rethink buying a house together. 

[Cherylyn]

You'll have to share your girlfriend with her daughter until she is financially independent and moved out.  She could very well hover over her daughter for many years to come so be prepared for her divided attention.  ☹️

You're not selfish.  However,  remain realistic.  Either accept the situation as is or don't live together nor have the type of girlfriend who was not what you had expected. 

[poorlittlefish]

I suspect that most parents with 17-year-olds would relish the opportunity to go and do their own thing, knowing that at that age, the child is perfectly capable of fixing themselves something to eat and generally looking after themselves for a while.  Your girlfriend doesn't want to do that and when the 17-year-old turns 18, I highly doubt anything is going to suddenly change.  You will never have a say in this and will always come second.  Your girlfriend proved this by prioritising her daughter even though you were extremely ill.  I don't think this is the right relationship for you.

[Coily]

That phone incident alone would scuttle the relationship for me, long before how she acted around my being ill.

As I see it her problem is her whole personality, whole identity is being Mum; rather than raising her daughter. Let me parse this a  bit before the reactions pour in. She sounds like one of these people who have discarded everything to be a parent, giving up all of who they were to be cheered as a parent. Which seems to me to be an unhealthy attachment style. They aren't raising their children for the love of the child, but for the praise, blind adoration, and ready excuses some people get as a parent.

In short she's clinging to the title of "Mum" for the wrong reasons. other wise her daughter would not be ruling the roost in the ways she seems to be.

Before the pummeling, yes kids need to be the priority, but not when it's damaging to the child in the grand scheme of things.

With that all said and spicy. lol I have seen enough couples where this becomes a problem as the mother doesn't know when it's appropriate to let the kids go and learn from their mistakes. Lovely lady I know is still trying to be Mum for her four adult children and suffering for it. She can't see that she needs to let them fail in the little things now. Only her eldest daughter has moved from home, due to the daughter's husband's family selling them a home cheaply.