Her Ex is problematic … advice please

[GS2018]

First/long post warning.  I just want to thank everyone in advance to their advice and taking the time to weigh in. 
 

I have been dating a single mother of two (we are both around 40 years old). Her kids are both in high school. Her ex husband and her divorced in 2019, started the process in 2018 after he cheated on her with a co-worker.  He has a combat deployment background and is also in law enforcement.  I also have a combat deployment and know the mental stresses involved with it. 
 

Here’s the situation I’m hoping for advice on.  We are taking our time and now we are at the stage of meeting the kids. I met one of them over the weekend and we hit it off great!  Supposed to be meeting her other child on Thanksgiving. Last night, we were talking and I asked her how she would feel about making it official (titling the relationship) and she went quiet and after a bit, she expressed that her ex husband is going to cause a lot of issues with her and her kids once she is official. She said that he will talk negatively about her to her kids and he will say things to them like, “she would rather be with her new boyfriend instead of them”, etc. She seems to have a legit fear of this man and he has no boundaries. (Mental abuse)
 

I’ll spare you all the complete list of problems with what her ex says to her and their kids (he belittles them as well). 
 

My take: I believe she is afraid of upsetting her ex and that he still has power over her.  As this is my first time ever dating a single mother, I’m not sure if this behavior is ‘normal’ with a ex husband who is also a father, but I do need some talking points and help with reassuring her that she has power and doesn’t need to live in fear of upsetting an ex.  
 

I do want to make this relationship work as I do have feelings for her and she really is a great woman. We spend most evenings and weekends together and otherwise jive really well. Any help, suggestions, etc would be greatly appreciated. 
 

(ps. If it means anything, I am an ENFP and she is an INFP.)

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, GS2018 said:

  Supposed to be meeting her other child on Thanksgiving. Last night, we were talking and I asked her how she would feel about making it official (titling the relationship) and she went quiet and after a bit, she expressed that her ex husband is going to cause a lot of issues 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? It's great you're (hopefully slowly) meeting the children. It's nice you're spending the holidays together. It seems to be going well.

Are you being introduced as "mom's friend"?

What exactly do you mean by "official"? Exclusive? A BF label? Why would her ex-husband know about a label? Would her kids start telling him mom has a BF and then he would give her grief? 

Unfortunately she has to co-parent, even if he is difficult. Why not hold off on labels for now if the father of her children is difficult or she's afraid of him?

Try to step back pace yourself and especially let her set the pace as far as her kids. 

[Batya33]

I think she wants to put her kids first and will prioritize that over telling her ex she is in a serious relationship with you. It's not because you didn't have a pleasant meeting with one of her kids. 

It is normal in the sense of -of course her kids come before you -the "title" wouldn't be you being her husband or their stepfather - and she is ok with you meeting her kids but not being an involved parental figure - so the "title" would cause stress with her ex.  Sure it might not be "normal" for her to endure his disrespectful treatment and perhaps others would seek legal help and have it in writing that he can't badmouth her to their kids  - but she is a person who is choosing not to go through all those hoops and she'd rather keep things status quo.  She is an individual.  This is her personal reaction. 

I've been judged more times than I can count as to how I parent- even by complete strangers  - but I stay true to my values and standards and goals and I'm always going to prioritize my child's best interests.  From your perspective she's foregoing being with you to appease her ex and therefore maintain access to her kids - and from her perspective being with you is not as pleasurable as staying comfortable with the current family arrangement.  I'm sorry.

[tattoobunnie]

If her ex is a total control freak, narcissist, and, or abusive, I guarantee he will do everything in his power to make coparenting as difficult and do what he can to ruin her reputation.  Agreeing to be exclusive is good.  Telling the children to call you mom's "manfriend" is unnecessary until for the time being.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Her Ex is problematic … advice please

If you cant relocate along with her, run. 

One of the drawbacks of dating a single parent, is an ex who they in most cases cant really cut away. In your case, her ex creates a mess. You, by going into a relationship with her, are a part of that mess now. So, if you dont want future problems, sorry, my advice is to run. You may think its worth a hussle. But trust me, its not. The ammount of problems he can create vastly outshines any positives there.

 

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, GS2018 said:

her ex husband is going to cause a lot of issues with her and her kids once she is official. She said that he will talk negatively about her to her kids and he will say things to them like, “she would rather be with her new boyfriend instead of them”,

I know you're smitten with her, and are looking through rose-colored glasses, but if she can't provide normalcy to a romantic partner, going through the normal steps any deepening relationship involves, isn't this selfish? A partner has to abide by her strange terms? Perhaps she should have waited until her kids have flown the nest, or sought mediation and mandatory classes on parenting to ensure the kids won't be emotionally abused, before she began dating again.

Best to only date people who have healthy custody arrangements and amicable relations when it comes to parenting. Certainly not someone whose acting under the powers of an ex. It's not fair to pull you into a toxic orbit just because she wants a companion on her terms.

I don't even know what the huge change is to say someone is your bf when you're already spending the majority of the week with her. If her ex is getting wind of this, wouldn't he assume you're her bf since I'm assuming you've been dating at least 4 months?

White knights never win the battle. The damsel cannot be saved by anyone other than herself.

[Lambert]

Regardless of the reason or the cause, if one person wants to put the brakes on, then the other person has to respect that.

She's telling you can't go forward with you. So you now have to decide if that is good enough for you. 

 

 

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, GS2018 said:

Last night, we were talking and I asked her how she would feel about making it official (titling the relationship) and she went quiet and after a bit, she expressed that her ex husband is going to cause a lot of issues with her and her kids once she is official. She said that he will talk negatively about her to her kids and he will say things to them like, “she would rather be with her new boyfriend instead of them”, etc. She seems to have a legit fear of this man and he has no boundaries.

I say , just give it all time.  You jive well, then let it grow as is 🙂 .

If their kids are now in HS, they're not so vulnerable re: how dad talks about Mom.  They have their own perspectives and if dad wants to be so nasty, is up to THEM to realize this.  If he is toxic, they should pick up on this and if it causes issue's between them & dad, he's done this himself!

Kids should NEVER come between a parents squabble and if he's acting out, this is on him.  They're no longer together, so mom has every right to be involved ( move on), as dad has.

So, let things roll, as they are.  The kids, if decent-minded, will come to see you  ARE a decent person on their own. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, GS2018 said:

. I met one of them over the weekend and we hit it off great!  Supposed to be meeting her other child on Thanksgiving. 

You're invited for Thanksgiving, so the kids will figure things out. So it's  unclear why you need specific labels. How long have you been seeing each other? 

[smackie9]

IMO you should never date anyone who has an abusive ex like that...is a Narcissist, with guns/law enforcement history. This is not a you issue it's a her issue. This is on her to deal with, so if she says this is how it has to be, then that's how it will be. I think you should get out while you can. Dude, when they are living in fear, you are taking a big risk.

[catfeeder]

How long have the two of you been dating, and what, exactly, are you proposing that she would consider to be disruptive?

[GS2018]

Thanks for the replies everyone. We’ve been dating for a few months.  She is now telling me she will be willing to title the relationship (as boyfriend/girlfriend) once she is comfortable with the fact that, “you’re not going anywhere. I don’t want to have the fight with my ex until I’m sure about us” 

She did bring me to her family Thanksgiving, I’ve been more spending time with her and her daughter as well.  Things are moving in a forward direction  

She is certainly holding back from opening up too much with me, but as more time goes on, she is exposing more of her emotions and her heart, so we will see.  
 

To those telling me to run away: I say no.  Just running away instead of fully understanding what the other person may be going through is a disservice to both people involved.  Some situations that may be warranted (any sort of abuse, etc), but the early navigation of a relationship that is otherwise going well, seems unnecessary  

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, GS2018 said:

 Just running away instead of fully understanding what the other person may be going through is a disservice to both people involved.  Some situations that may be warranted (any sort of abuse, etc), but the early navigation of a relationship that is otherwise going well, seems unnecessary  

I think it's not running away if you two have different goals or timing but you're willing to wait for her to be ready to commit to you or "title" the relationship as she puts it.  I don't think a person has to fully understand why someone else is not on the same wavelength.  Sometimes there is no full understanding -it just is.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, GS2018 said:

She did bring me to her family Thanksgiving, I’ve been more spending time with her and her daughter as well.  Things are moving in a forward direction  She is certainly holding back from opening up too much with me, but as more time goes on, she is exposing more of her emotions and her heart, so we will see.  

She's introducing you to family and children so things are going well. Keep letting her open up in her own time.

Please remember that her children and their well-being come first. So if she's cautious in some regards that's a sign of integrity.

Please also understand that she has a difficult ex and unfortunately must co-parent with this man and again needs to do things in a manner that's in her children's best interest. 

It's going well. Take a deep breath and relax. 

[catfeeder]

How many months are a few?

[GS2018]

And just like that, it’s over.   More drama with the ex the other night, so I ended it yesterday.  
 

I stand corrected from my last comment here.  
 

Thanks again everyone!  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, GS2018 said:

And just like that, it’s over.   More drama with the ex the other night, so I ended it yesterday.  
 

I stand corrected from my last comment here.  
 

Thanks again everyone!  

I’m sorry and I hope it’s for the best. 

[GS2018]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I’m sorry and I hope it’s for the best. 

It is.  We’ve discussed just being friends.  Until she is able to figure out what exactly she wants and is willing to take on the root of the problem, her ex, she will struggle to find a meaningful and fulfilled relationship.  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, GS2018 said:

And just like that, it’s over.   More drama with the ex the other night, so I ended it yesterday.  

Sorry this happened. What type of ex drama took place? Perhaps she's not in a good place to date. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, GS2018 said:

It is.  We’ve discussed just being friends.  Until she is able to figure out what exactly she wants and is willing to take on the root of the problem, her ex, she will struggle to find a meaningful and fulfilled relationship.  

What’s the purpose of being friends - or predicting her future relationship potential ? She told you what she wanted. But it wasn’t what you wanted. Which is ok just means you two are not a good match. Another guy might prefer the arrangement she wanted.