My best friend is flirting with my girlfriend and she subtly reciprocates

[Nucca08]

Hi,

My girlfriend seems to be reciprocating my best friend's flirtatious comments and actions.

Background:

I've been close friends with one of my best friends for over 20 years. Two years ago, I introduced my girlfriend to him and his girlfriend. This marked the first time I officially introduced a girl to anyone, as I generally keep my life private. However, I liked her and thought it was time to involve her with my friends.

During a dinner at his place, my friend started making disrespectful jokes about me, questioning her choice, and continued throughout the day. “you could chose anyone and you chose HIM?! Are you blind?”, “I’m just curious, wt* did you see in him?” This pattern of disrespectful behavior persisted during subsequent visits, with him bringing me down at every opportunity.

After three meetings with her, he told me that if I broke up with her, he and his girlfriend would still maintain contact with her, even though I hadn't mentioned breaking up. This, combined with flirty comments and actions between him and my girlfriend, raised concerns. Comments like “I’m the only one who flirts in this room” while looking at her, and her reaction being getting shy and starting to play with her hair.

Fast forward two years, and during a recent visit to his place, he made her cook while they’re laughing and giggling while cooking together.  When the food was done my friend asked her to tighten the table leg (you have to rotate the leg), he then asked her in a flirty tone “is it tight?” And she responded “I would say it is tight”, - all this was done with a flirty undertone. When I expressed my feelings to my girlfriend, she denied any issue.

She is not innocent, she has subtly reciprocated his advances by flirting back.

I feel betrayed by both my friend and my girlfriend. He acts flirtatiously only with her, and she hasn't shut down his advances.

I need advice on what to do. Should I cut them both from my life?

I should also mention he has a girlfriend.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Nucca08 said:

I feel betrayed by both my friend and my girlfriend. He acts flirtatiously only with her, and she hasn't shut down his advances.I need advice on what to do. Should I cut them both from my life?

How old have you been dating? How old is she? While it's normal at some point to meet each other's friends and family, this friend seems like a bozo.  Definitely cut this clown out of your life but reevaluate how your overall relationship is with your GF. 

[Nucca08]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old have you been dating? How old is she? While it's normal at some point to meet each other's friends and family, this friend seems like a bozo.  Definitely cut this clown out of your life but reevaluate how your overall relationship is with your GF. 

We’ve been together for two and a half years. And she’s 26. When I mention issues to her she keeps deflecting and changing topic on things I have done wrong.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Nucca08 said:

We’ve been together for two and a half years. And she’s 26. When I mention issues to her she keeps deflecting and changing topic on things I have done wrong.

Try to address your relationship issues. Just get rid of this friend. As far as accusing her for flirting back, what's the point? He's the problem. 

[boltnrun]

I think she's also the problem. She could shut it down by being cold and dismissive of his attempts. 

How is your relationship with her? Is there some reason why she could be dissatisfied with you or your relationship with her?

[shouldhavelearned]

What's his gf say when this happens?

 

Put your foot down with both of them. Make a choice next time it happens.

[Batya33]

I would stop interacting with this person you call your good friend.  He is not.  And it's possible she felt awkward since it was your friend.  

[Andrina]

It doesn't matter that he's been your friend for 20 years. He might've been there for the good times, but he doesn't care about you like a true friend should. I know guys rib each other, but this goes beyond that. I'd cut them both out of your life. You now know your gf will flirt with other men even though she has a bf. And as said, she will probably continue her "friendship" with him even if you cut him from your life. Very inappropriate. You deserve better.

[Kwothe28]

Get a new friend and a new girlfriend. Both of current ones dont respect you.

[Nucca08]

Talked to my girl and she's denying that she's flirted with my friend and that "she was just talking about tightning the table". But when you playfully hit each other laugh and giggle then it's flirting at that point. I told her I'll talk to my friend and confront him and she said "don't let your friends action dictate what I'm doing". But I told her that her response is her responsibility. Anyway, I also told her I have to reconsider our relationship and I have to think about where to go from this point on and she said that if I dump her because of this then it's my problem not hers and I will have to live that fact after letting her go. 
 

She also started to argue about things I’ve done to her which are irrelevant to this. I’ve tried to be a good partner to her but she keeps bringing up stuff that has nothing to do with this. I don’t know the real definition of gaslighting but this feels like it.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Nucca08 said:

, I also told her I have to reconsider our relationship and I have to think about where to go from this point on.

Unfortunately it's seems there's a lot of unresolved conflicts, resentments, insecurities and issues in this relationship if you are willing to dump her because she was having a fun which you interpreted as flirting from the "tone". 

You claim she brings up issues but you dismiss them as irrelevant? Hopefully you don't live together because it looks like you are searching for reasons to end it.

Your friend seems like a bozo but you would rather take it out on your GF so something is up with your relationship that might need some reflection rather than knee jerk reactions. 

[Nucca08]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it's seems there's a lot of unresolved conflicts, resentments, insecurities and issues in this relationship if you are willing to dump her because she was having a fun which you interpreted as flirting from the "tone". 

You claim she brings up issues but you dismiss them as irrelevant? Hopefully you don't live together because it looks like you are searching for reasons to end it.

Your friend seems like a bozo but you would rather take it out on your GF so something is up with your relationship that might need some reflection rather than knee jerk reactions. 

It’s issues that we have discussed and solved already. We have talked multiple times about those problems but she brings them up every time I open up about my feelings (which I rarely do). I don’t need an excuse to dump her. I just won’t let her flirting with my friend and having sexual undertoned jokes slide. I’m bad with setting boundaries but this is something I have to stand up for because it’s not acceptable behavior in my book. 

[lostandhurt]

Best friend?  Hardly.  First off you need a new best friend.  Confronting him will do nothing since he acted like a jerk and flirted with your gf right in front of you and his own gf.  Do you seriously think your words will make him a better friend or human being?  Just send him a simple text ending the friendship.  Take the high road and keep it simple and to the point that he disrespected you and your relationship and wish him well. 

 As far as your gf goes remove the problem (your friend) and then decide if you want to continue with her. 

If she defends him dump her, if she continues to gaslight you dump her.  Or if this is the last straw and you have been having doubts about the relationship dump her.

 Lost

[MrMan1983]

That friend sounds like a slime ball, met guys like that before they have no loyalty as soon as a women they fancy come along. Would 100% cut him loose he clearly does not respect you and is not loyal to your friendship. He's also trying to *** block you and put your GF off of you even though he already has a Mrs, I wonder how she feels when it's going on.

As for her it does sound like she's gaslighting you to deflect away from her attraction to him, I feel you're right in putting your concerns to her. If I had a girlfriend and she didn't shut down flirty attention like that it would make me wonder what she's like when you're not around too.

[smackie9]

There's more to this than what you have posted. I'm not sticking up for anyone here, I need the real facts like what does his GF think about it? Are you the extreme jealous type? what were all these issues she keeps bringing up? Does she flirt with other people? Is he a real threat to you, even tho he's done nothing else? or has he been communicating with her outside of these meetings? Is this the only beef you have with him or her? would this be the reason why you have always kept your dating life private from friends?

This can be seen in different ways. Could it be that they just get along really well, so much so it totally bugs you?

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

There's more to this than what you have posted. I'm not sticking up for anyone here, I need the real facts like what does his GF think about it? Are you the extreme jealous type? what were all these issues she keeps bringing up? Does she flirt with other people? Is he a real threat to you, even tho he's done nothing else? or has he been communicating with her outside of these meetings? Is this the only beef you have with him or her? would this be the reason why you have always kept your dating life private from friends?

This can be seen in different ways. Could it be that they just get along really well, so much so it totally bugs you?

This is a good take.  I have had male friends while in relationships.  I was really close to three of them in particular.  We talked and talked and laughed and had inside jokes.  One of them even bought me a flower in front of the guy I was dating, although he meant it as a "mom" thing rather than romantic (I am about 16 years older than him).  These male friends and I had absolutely zero romantic or sexual interest in one another.

However, it doesn't seem like this friend of yours and your girlfriend are actually friends.  If they are, please confirm.

[catfeeder]

What I can't understand is why you've allowed this to be an ongoing thing.

After the first insult from friend, I'd have taken him aside and said, "I'm not having fun. If there's some kind of resentment you're holding onto, let's work it out between us."

I'd hear what he has to say, and if he pulls an 'only kidding' number, I'd say that turning mean on me in front of my GF isn't funny.

If it happened again, I'd take GF aside and say, "I have to get out of here, follow me, and I'll explain once we're out." But so called 'friend' wouldn't hear from me again.

[Nucca08]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

There's more to this than what you have posted. I'm not sticking up for anyone here, I need the real facts like what does his GF think about it? Are you the extreme jealous type? what were all these issues she keeps bringing up?

I'm the opposite from jealous. Never been the jealous type. Jealousy breeds from believing you're not good enough and I don't have that problem. I know my value and I'm confident in who I am. But I'm not perfect.

I always tell my GF that she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. I've never tried to control her. I want her to have her own friends, life and hobbies - she has none of this. She has a lot of broken friendships and doesn't have close friends.

The issues is that she doesn't like it when I go out with my buddies for drinks. She gets paranoid that I'll cheat on her which I have never even considered doing. I'm always cold to girls outside my GF. She was in a past relationship where the guy cheated on her (this was 10 years ago). But that has nothing to do with me and shouldn't put that baggage on me. She also complains that I'm not good with compliments or buying her flowers and romantic gestures. But that's not me and I've told her that. I prefer doing other things rather than buying her flowers or writing poetry - that's cheesy to me - but I try for her sake. 

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Does she flirt with other people? Is he a real threat to you, even tho he's done nothing else? or has he been communicating with her outside of these meetings? Is this the only beef you have with him or her? would this be the reason why you have always kept your dating life private from friends?

This can be seen in different ways. Could it be that they just get along really well, so much so it totally bugs you?

She doesn't flirt with other people in front of me because she knows I won't let that kind of behavior slide. But in this situation she acted differently.

He has communicated with her and sent her money in her mailbox as a joke. I don't know if she has his number or texts him because he has a GF. He behaved normal before I met her but as soon as I brought her in the picture he switched up and started with the insults.

[Nucca08]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

What I can't understand is why you've allowed this to be an ongoing thing.

After the first insult from friend, I'd have taken him aside and said, "I'm not having fun. If there's some kind of resentment you're holding onto, let's work it out between us."

I'd hear what he has to say, and if he pulls an 'only kidding' number, I'd say that turning mean on me in front of my GF isn't funny.

If it happened again, I'd take GF aside and say, "I have to get out of here, follow me, and I'll explain once we're out." But so called 'friend' wouldn't hear from me again.

You are right. I will never let it happen again.

[smackie9]

22 hours ago, Nucca08 said:

 

She also complains that I'm not good with compliments or buying her flowers and romantic gestures. But that's not me and I've told her that. I prefer doing other things rather than buying her flowers or writing poetry - that's cheesy to me - but I try for her sake. 

 

Dude that shouldn't matter...you do it for HER, you do it to make her happy, because you want her to be happy....it's quite narcissistic to deny her those things because "it's not you." Now I can see why she responds to your friend the way she does...because she doesn't get the attention from you. The flowers, small gifts, compliments is what makes her feel special and appreciated. You don't do that, you have issues like this. it is what it is. If you don't step up, then I say you should step down, and cut her loose. Let her find someone that really makes her feel special.

Note: Your friend acted the way he does because he can see the way you treat her. He picked up on it pretty fast that she doesn't get that kind of attention from you.

 

[boltnrun]

One of my ex's friends flat out told me "He doesn't treat you right".  In fact, more than one of his friends told me that.  But that one friend?  Definitely got my attention.  He told another friend of his he liked me but he had too much respect to try to get me away from my ex.  But he was 100% right...my ex didn't treat me properly.

Why are you so opposed to buying her flowers?  I don't mean spend $100 every week.  But a small bouquet purchased from the grocery store or a sidewalk vendor would only cost about $10-$15.  A florist in my neighborhood has small bouquets for $5.

23 hours ago, Nucca08 said:

She also complains that I'm not good with compliments or buying her flowers and romantic gestures. But that's not me and I've told her that. I prefer doing other things rather than buying her flowers or writing poetry - that's cheesy to me - but I try for her sake. 

OK, I see you say you "try" for her sake.  But as my signature line says, you don't "try" to do something.  You either decide to do it or you decide not to.

Is this girlfriend important to you?

[lostandhurt]

So what are you going to do?

Your best friend?  Cut him loose or have a serious talk with him alone?

Your gf?  Set her straight that what she did was disrespectful to OUR relationship and work it out or cut her loose?

Lost

[Nucca08]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Dude that shouldn't matter...you do it for HER, you do it to make her happy, because you want her to be happy....it's quite narcissistic to deny her those things because "it's not you." Now I can see why she responds to your friend the way she does...because she doesn't get the attention from you. The flowers, small gifts, compliments is what makes her feel special and appreciated. You don't do that, you have issues like this. it is what it is. If you don't step up, then I say you should step down, and cut her loose. Let her find someone that really makes her feel special.

Note: Your friend acted the way he does because he can see the way you treat her. He picked up on it pretty fast that she doesn't get that kind of attention from you.

 

I bought her a gold bracelet worth $700. I bought her AirPods, a watch, I drive her everywhere. F*** the flowers! I DO give her compliments but sometimes I forget and it pisses her off and then it feels like I have to give her forced compliments.

 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

One of my ex's friends flat out told me "He doesn't treat you right".  In fact, more than one of his friends told me that.  But that one friend?  Definitely got my attention.  He told another friend of his he liked me but he had too much respect to try to get me away from my ex.  But he was 100% right...my ex didn't treat me properly.

I treat her better than your ex treated you.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Nucca08 said:

I treat her better than your ex treated you.

You don't know that. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/23/2023 at 1:09 PM, Nucca08 said:

The issues is that she doesn't like it when I go out with my buddies for drinks. 

Unfortunately it seems like there are a lot of conflicts and incompatibilities in the relationship. You don't seem to have much respect for her or many nice things to say about her.

These drinking buddies. Are any of them this bozo who flirts with your GF and puts you down? Unfortunately you seem to have an overactive "bros before GFs" attitude. So much so that your bozo friend is undermining you and because she kidded  back about a table leg you told her off? 

You seem to be trying to get rid of your GF, so you can pick whichever reason you like. However your friend is the problem.