Long term partner not attracted to me anymore

[Pretzel]

Hello, 

I don't even know where to start but I'll try to break it down. Back in July of this year, I sensed something was off in my relationship so I pressed my boyfriend about it. He told me the following: 

1. He's not attracted to me anymore

2. He then suggested couples counselling and I said yes sure if that's what he wants (though I don't see how a counsellor can suddenly bring back the spark between us and make him attracted to me), however he hasn't even gone to the effort of finding a counsellor or organising it. I don't want to do it as I don't feel it's my responsibility, given it was his idea. 

3. He's given excuses such as "you're always in your track pants since Covid, you don't take proper care of yourself since you adopted the second dog".

4. He said we don't have enough fun together and have shared experiences, we stay at home with the dogs too much.  

5. He doesn't seem to enjoy the fact that I spend a lot of time with my dogs and I like the dogs to be involved in as much of my life as possible. That's something that I can't change. My dogs will always be a big part of my life and I'm not willing to change how I feel about them. They are like my children.  

So far, I have taken onboard his feedback in two ways: Firstly, I have been making more of an effort with my appearance. I work from home full time so it's easy for me to just stay in PJs all day if I'm not consciously making an effort to dress up. Secondly, I've been arranging dates/outings for us to go to (cinema, theatres etc.) since he said we're not having enough fun together and doing much despite living in a city where we have access to lots of places to go. I love staying at home, so just like the PJs, I could easily stay in and watch Netflix for a whole week if I'm not pushed to go out.  

It's been good and he's noticed that I've made changes, and appreciated them, but I don't know what else to do as there still doesn't seem to be much  of a spark.  We've been together for years and I don't know what to do to bring the spark back.   We haven't had sex in a few months. I feel a bit hurt since he said he's not attracted so I don't want to be the one to make the move. I feel he should be the one to initiate it. 

I feel stuck. I don't know how to move forwards. Personally,  I was happy & content with him, until he told me all these things back in July of this year when I pressed him on why he seems distant all of a sudden.  It all happened just before he was supposed to move in with me. That's what seemed to have triggered all of these things to come up for him. And they were the reasons provided for him not moving in, as he feels we're not in the place we should be for that to happen.

I told him perhaps he should just find someone else to be with.  He responded to say: But I don't want to be with anyone else. 

What do I do?

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Take a self look and see if he's accurate. Might not have said it the way you wanted but he was honest.

Look and what you both want and can give each other.

[smackie9]

The counselling would work because it will be a safe place to express feelings and talk over things suggested by the therapist because right now you both are struggling with proper communication. The only way to build intimacy is through understanding each other.

[Batya33]

I would stop all the silly jumping through hoops.  If he'd said -hey let's make some plans to do some fun stuff now that it's safe to go out - that's fine - it can increase attraction, excitement at being together -but he led with he's not attracted to you anymore and had some lame excuses as to why (how you dress is not the same as "because you gained 100 pounds and don't shower anymore") - he's done.  It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to be with anyone else -that's not the standard -he doesn't want to be with you and you getting all dolled and making the plans he should be making is a turn off -you're acting desperate IMO)

As far as the dogs -is he a dog person? Do you cancel or not make plans with him because of the dogs? Do the dogs have to come with unless you hire a sitter? For sure you are entitled to your standards - if they are like your children then your bf doesn't have to want to be a future stepfather.  I didn't date men who had children, with very rare exception. 

I've had annoying experiences with friends where we had to plan our lunch or coffee around the dog-either we had to sit outside in the cold so the dog could come along or meet at her house so the dog wouldn't be left alone - and I had to awkwardly ask that the dog not jump on me.  Did I feel differently than if it were a baby or small child -honestly, yes - and yes I care about animals.  So if he differentiates in that way and doesn't "get it" I would avoid moving in together and find someone who is just as much a dog person and plans activities and daily life to the extent you do around your fur babies.

Let him go to counseling alone if he believes he will be attracted to you again if he has help from a professional.  Why do you need to be involved?

 

[MissCanuck]

I feel there is more to this he isn't telling you. 

Is this the same guy who wanted to break up a couple years ago? You have a thread from 2021 stating that a boyfriend wanted to end it but was "willing to try living together for 2 weeks."

Same person? If so, this relationship has been off the rails for a long time. 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Long term partner not attracted to me anymore

Well, you just give him dry pretzels. Try with pizza.

Joking. 

You have so much threads from before that I assume are for this man. How he is uncapable of unconditional love, how he wanted to break up but was willing to live together etc. This is much deeper then just this issue. But will try even though it may sound a bit harsh.

By "not taking care of yourself" does he mean "not putting clothes other then PJ" or "You gained Covid weight"? Its easy to let go off yourself, especially when you dont get out of the home. During Covid I was at home all day since my work was from home as well. So havent shaved in days sometimes. So did he meant clothes or weight? Because I dont think your PJ would deter him from sex in months. 

Admittedly, its maybe not that important since if he is not atracted and you dont have sex, that would hardly change with counselor or even with your effort. And this should have been over long time ago according to your other threads. But just trying to establish what did he mean. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Pretzel said:

It all happened just before he was supposed to move in with me. That's what seemed to have triggered all of these things to come up for him. 

Sorry this is happening. Please stop asking him to move in. You seem incompatible and he's simply coming up with excuses and insults to avoid the relationship going anywhere. 

If you like being a homebody and being with your dogs that's fine, it's your life and preference. However there are incompatibilities to observe.

Is it possible he's interested in someone else? He doesn't seem very committed to the relationship, so please don't jump through any more hoops. Just step back. 

[Lambert]

Could you be more invested in this relationship than he is? 

Has the relationship been growing and progressing over the years? 

What stopped you from moving in together or marrying before? 

I personally would be pretty pissed if he was stringing me along all this time. Now, years later, push comes to shove, and he's not going to move in.  

Maybe you've been wasting your time because this guy is not that great of a partner.

Maybe you should look at this as a blessing. Be thankful you're on your own and you can walk away.

When someone disrespects you, you flip the script and you say,  "I've given this some thought and decided it's not good enough for me. Thanks for the good times but this is where we end"

Find a guy that likes being home with his lady and the dogs.

[itsallgrand]

How long have you been together?

Him bailing on the agreed upon moving in is a big deal . I'm surprised you are so cool about this. And to do that and say it's that he isn't attracted to you now....that's just rude, it's mean, it's not ok. In my opinion there's never a time it's ok to say that to a partner. I'd leave before I'd ever say that, if it came to that. But I think he's just throwing out things so you'll dump him. He doesn't have the cajones to do it. So he keeps being crappier and crappier.

On your end, why are you sticking around for this? What do YOU want? Don't lower yourself to try and keep this guy. It really seems done. He's had lots of chances to try to make it work, he's not doing it, and it can't be one sided and work.

 

[tattoobunnie]

You are with the wrong dude.  He sounds so LAME. 

My hubs and I love to lay around in our PJs as much as possible, and be with our dogs and human children.

Never think you should settle.  Why isn't he planning dates or being romantic?  He's a coward just throwing you under the bus, and always making it your fault. 

Do yourself a favor, and dump him.

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are incompatible.  It sounds like he's not a boyfriend for the long term.  He doesn't envision a future with you and neither do I.  ☹️

I would love to lounge around in my PJ's all day,  hair tied up in a bun or ponytail,  no make up and look as if death warmed over.  😳  I must say it is very comfortable.   However,  I don't like what I see in the mirror every single time I pass by it. 🥺  It's not a pleasant appearance.  Of course,  looks aren't everything.  Of course,  cleanliness and showering are important but I'm referring to more than that.    I've noticed that I feel better whenever I pay attention to my grooming to look at least presentable,  apply some natural-looking make up so I don't look neglected which is psychologically uplifting and it doesn't hurt that I'm treated a bit better by my husband and sons whenever I don't look sloppy and disheveled.  I pay attention to my grooming more for myself if anything and it doesn't hurt that I look nice, too.  😊

Good idea about going out once in a while.  You should have a change of scenery.

As for the dogs,  as a former dog owner,  I know I gave my late Golden Retriever a very happy,  long life.  🐶 🐕  Having said that,  I highly doubt that my husband and I will own another pet or dog for that matter.  As cute as they are,  they're a huge responsibility and we're enjoying our freedom and time from pet ownership;  namely dog ownership in this case.  (We've also owned cats,  birds,  lizards,  aquarium fish and rabbits.)  Been there done that.  🙄

Your boyfriend wants out.  Your lifestyle preferences differ.  Let him exit the relationship because that's what he wants and don't let the door hit him on his way out.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

My late mom taught me to always ALWAYS look clean (with clean undies especially lol) and presentable even while at home doing nothing. 

Reason being, you never know when an emergency might arise and you need to go to hospital or simply out in public (a fire in your building for example and you need to evacuate. Or lord forbid an earthquake which happens frequently in my neck of the woods).

Also,  I 100% agree with @Cherylyn, I always look clean and presentable for ME.

As even when living alone, I'm the one looking ar myself and when I look good on the outside, it affects how I feel on the inside.  Even when sitting at home, reading a book or watching a movie. 

When in a relationship and/or living with your partner, making that effort to look nice shows them you care about keeping the attraction alive, even when sitting around doing nothing.

I don't mean a full face of makeup or even any makeup, or wearing your best outfit.  

Just make sure you're showered, clean and fresh, it goes a long way in my experience.  Hopefully they're doing the same. 

Just some things to consider 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

would love to lounge around in my PJ's all day,  hair tied up in a bun or ponytail,  no make up and look as if death warmed over.  😳  I must say it is very comfortable.   However,  I don't like what I see in the mirror every single time I pass by it. 🥺  It's not a pleasant appearance.  Of course,  looks aren't everything.  Of course,  cleanliness and showering are important but I'm referring to more than that.    I've noticed that I feel better whenever I pay attention to my grooming to look at least presentable,  apply some natural-looking make up so I don't look neglected which is psychologically uplifting and it doesn't hurt that I'm treated a bit better by my husband and sons whenever I don't look sloppy and disheveled.  I pay attention to my grooming more for myself if anything and it doesn't hurt that I look nice, too. 

I agree. I am 57, have always looked younger although looked much younger in my 20s-40s if that makes sense.  In the past 6 months I went back to exactly this routine even though I still am doing basically all teleworking (because of pandemic -prior to that was 75% telework)  -and even if I'm only going to see my son/husband- maybe wave to our carpool family and /or see the subway sandwich guy who fondly knows our order by heart.  I was so surprised to see it made a difference psychologically.  I always was showered/clean but the bit of makeup -yes for sure. OP -not for this man -but for yourself -try it if that has become an "issue".  There's no need to go off the deep end with botox or extreme anything including extreme diets or exercise -a little bit -really helps!

[catfeeder]

I would make this less about the guy, regardless of how much I love him, and more about me, and how I want to live.

Do I want to spend my fertility years spinning my wheels and doing pretzels for someone who doesn’t want to live with me and is no longer attracted to me and won’t lift a finger to schedule a therapist to help us get through this, or would I prefer to take my grief on the chin and heal up to honor myself and my own way of living and my pursuit of the happiness I deserve with someone who owns the right lens to appreciate my unique value?

You’ve given the guy years of your life and you can’t get any of that time back to re-live over again. He may love you like a friend or family, but he doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved by a partner.

Head high, and write more if it helps. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[LootieTootie]

So when you say long-term boyfriend, it sounds like you both are not long distance but just not living together. Which is a flag. Sounds like you guys have some reservations about moving in and sounds like he is not crazy about your dogs.

I would say this is not about you being unattractive to him. This might be more about incompatibility, hence why you both have chosen not to live together.

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

So when you say long-term boyfriend, it sounds like you both are not long distance but just not living together. Which is a flag. Sounds like you guys have some reservations about moving in and sounds like he is not crazy about your dogs.

I would say this is not about you being unattractive to him. This might be more about incompatibility, hence why you both have chosen not to live together.

 

I think the not living together is an issue only because he is now pulling away from it because he's not attracted to you.  My husband and I didn't officially live together until marriage and the first time around we dated we lived together for a month or so with a wedding planned a month or so later.  I don't think sharing physical space means a strong emotional commitment.  I think his not wanting to is because it would send the wrong message to you -that he wants to be closer to you and see you more often but he has said -rudely- he doesn't want to be close to you sexually.  Also if he's not a dog person and you're on the opposite extreme a living arrangement likely would be stressful for him if he has to live with your furbabies and accommodate the dog ownership responsibilities and/or assist.  That might be part of it as well. Incompatibility.

[SooSad33]

On 10/15/2023 at 11:46 AM, Pretzel said:

1. He's not attracted to me anymore

2. He then suggested couples counselling and I said yes sure if that's what he wants (though I don't see how a counsellor can suddenly bring back the spark between us and make him attracted to me), however he hasn't even gone to the effort of finding a counsellor or organising it. I don't want to do it as I don't feel it's my responsibility, given it was his idea. 

3. He's given excuses such as "you're always in your track pants since Covid, you don't take proper care of yourself since you adopted the second dog".

4. He said we don't have enough fun together and have shared experiences, we stay at home with the dogs too much.  

5. He doesn't seem to enjoy the fact that I spend a lot of time with my dogs and I like the dogs to be involved in as much of my life as possible. That's something that I can't change. My dogs will always be a big part of my life and I'm not willing to change how I feel about them. They are like my children.  

As MissCanuck asked - this you posted a while back is still this same guy.  So, things have been falling apart for a while then.

He sounds like he's done with this pretty much & is just giving excuses.  Then, maybe is just time to show him the door?

You are YOU and he isn't happy anymore 😕 .  Or hasn't been for a good while... sorry.

Then you have to work on accepting and just be done now.  you can't magically bring back a spark that's been sizzled out for a couple of years now.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sweats, pajamas and dogs don't make someone suddenly unattractive. He simply doesn't want to move in and actually, that's a good thing. You seem incompatible and he doesn't seem that committed to the relationship.

Please reconsider the relationship if he needs to blame your wardrobe as an excuse to not further the relationship. 

[Batya33]

Consider this -whoever  you marry/commit to is going to see you looking mighty unattractive at times -when you have a gross cold for example, when you have just had a good cry after a hard day at work and any makeup is running down your face in rivulets with the snot from your nose, etc.  I know this is "wrong" but sometimes -wow- I wonder how awful I looked while laboring in the hospital with my husband in the room for approximately 8 hours (pre-emergency c-section) -I mean - I had a fever, kept begging for ice chips, trying to push the baby out and wearing who knows what godawful hospital gown with my body and face all contorted in pain.  I've never asked him anything about that (meaning how awful I looked nor has he ever said anything about my looks that day (of course not!!).  

If I was worried at all that my husband would all of a sudden not be attracted to me anymore because I got really fat/preggers, then birthed a baby, then went through months of sleepless nights with our precious son when I wore god knows what over the remaining pregnancy weight (which I lost, quickly, and then more but not right away!!) -

I absolutely would not have married him -not even close.  He's gained some weight over the years and we're in our mid-late 50s so like we're not even close to glam/models - but - I love him - do I always find him attractive -I mean, basically -yes I do -he's cute! -and he's -my person. 

But of course there are times I feel more attracted to him than other times and I'm sure same for him - do we discuss that at all - no!- why in the world would I say "hey you know I'm -just not feeling it as much today." I wouldn't want him to say that to me either if it were true.  People who want to be together and committed don't blurt out stuff like that that is unnecessarily hurtful.  

[rainbowsandroses]

I think our partner seeing us look unattractive occasionally because we are sick or we're super tired after a long day at work or about to give birth is A LOT different from seeing us in pj's and not showering day in and day out because we are lazy and simply can't be bothered.

Which sadly the OP pretty much admitted to, until he made her aware of his feelings and she is now making more of an effort.

The message it sends to our partner is, I don't care to look nice for you, which is rather insulting imo.

That's how I'd feel anyway if my boyfriend hung out in his pj's all day and didn't shower or bother to wash and fix his hair, shave or trim his beard or whatever guys do to look nice and presentable.  For me and even himself!  

It spells laziness.  And laziness and an "I don't care about how I look or appear to you" attitude IS a turn off for many people.  

Wrong or right, that's the picture I'm getting from the OP.  That she cares more about the dogs and takes for granted he will always be attracted and stick around no matter what. 

Which is the kiss of death for a relationship.

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think our partner seeing us look unattractive occasionally because we are sick or we're super tired after a long day at work or about to give birth is A LOT different from seeing us in pj's and not showering day in and day out because we are lazy and simply can't be bothered.

Which sadly the OP pretty much admitted to, until he made her aware of his feelings and she is now making more of an effort.

The message it sends to our partner is, I don't care to look nice for you, which is rather insulting imo.

That's how I'd feel anyway if my boyfriend hung out in his pj's all day and didn't shower or bother to wash and fix his hair, shave or trim his beard or whatever guys do to look nice and presentable.  For me and even himself!  

It spells laziness.  And laziness and an "I don't care about how I look or appear to you" attitude IS a turn off for many people.  

Wrong or right, that's the picture I'm getting from the OP.  That she cares more about the dogs and takes for granted he will always be attracted and stick around no matter what. 

Which is the kiss of death for a relationship.

 

 

For me-not like that at all.  For me partners -especially those who have children and/or are caring in the home for aging parents or relatives full time - should do their best to be clean.  I mean - shower regularly, brush teeth/oral hygiene act appropriately about bodily fluids like sneezes etc, and otherwise -wear what you are comfy in -as long as its clean -no odors if at all possible.  Again it's totally up to the couple.  I cannot imagine any couple with a young child wearing nice clothing (I stopped wearing my earrings and necklaces, and lipstick/foundation/scented lotions when he was a baby because his face and hands and body were always so close to mine -didn't want him constantly having residue on him or inhaling stuff. He had sensitive skin like me). 

I personally want my partner to stay healthy and fit - reasonably so -broadly so -not "six pack abs" or perfect weight but no I wouldn't like the idea of a partner not even trying to stay healthy or fit -accommodating for slowing metabolisms or people who will never be slim (I am thin but partly I know this is genetics!).  That for me is also about values and -caring -I mean if a partner doesn't give a darn that means higher risk of not being around (and again if you have children/aging parents/ fur babies - you need each other to be healthy for that too!).

I cannot personally imagine asking my husband to wear more attractive clothing or vice versa.  I wear the same PJs most nights and last night he again said something like "oh I like your shirt" with a little smile - he's seen it hundreds of times -no it's not sexy -he just like seeing me I guess all comfy (yes it's a matching set woo hoo!) 

Again it's fine overall if the OP wants to dress better etc but I still cannot stand for how her partner approached this nor do I think in her case it would make any real difference. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I cannot imagine any couple with a young child wearing nice clothing (I stopped wearing my earrings and necklaces, and lipstick/foundation/scented lotions...

You quoted my post when writing this^ so I will respond. 

I agree with you, I never said a thing about wearing your best clothing, stylish outfits, lipstick, foundation, earrings? while lounging at home.  With or without children! 

That is a completely different thing, not to mention I don't get dolled up or wear much makeup anyway unless it's to a special event which is rare.  

But I always look nice, clean, fresh and pretty for both myself and boyfriend/husband.  And I think that's what the OP's boyfriend meant when mentioning her appearance to her. 

The OP does not have any children, she has a dog. And she herself admitted she hadn't kept up her appearance, her boyfriend noticed and spoke up.

Frankly I don't blame him.  I think maintaining your appearance as best you can is important to maintain attraction in a relationship with or without children.

That does not mean always wearing your best clothes, full face of makeup, hair perfectly styled when lounging at home together or alone.

Not sure where you assumed that's what I meant from my post but hope this clarifies.

 

 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You quoted my post when writing this^ so I will respond. 

I agree with you, I never said a thing about wearing your best clothing, stylish outfits, lipstick, foundation, earrings? while lounging at home.  With or without children! 

That is a completely different thing, not to mention I don't get dolled up or wear much makeup anyway unless it's to a special event which is rare.  

But I always look nice, clean and fresh, for both myself and boyfriend/husband.  And I think that's what the OP's boyfriend meant when mentioning her appearance to her. 

The OP does not have any children, she has a dog. And she herself admitted she hadn't kept up her appearance, her boyfriend noticed and spoke up.

Frankly I don't blame him.  I think maintaining your appearance as best you can is important to maintain attraction in a relationship with or without children.

That does not mean always wearing your best clothes, full face of makeup, hair perfectly styled. 

Not sure where you assumed that's what I meant from my post but hope this clarifies.

 

 

Because I think appearance is different from fresh and clean. The latter is what is important to me even if the appearance isn’t up to par - like old clothes with holes in them no makeup or messy hair - sorry if you meant it as the same thing. I didn’t think you meant all dolled up. I made it clear these were my personal standards. She has dogs. She is a dog owner who regards her dogs as her family her kids and wants them involved in her life a much as possible so I assume taking care of dogs like children means you’re going to wear older and looser and more comfortable clothes. I’m not a dog owner but I’ve seen a range of sorts of owners. She’s at one end sort of where they are members of the family. I know of grest dog owners who stop short of her level of attachment and involvement. My guess is her partner sees her prioritizing the dogs over him in instances where he’s not such a fan.

And kind of lumps in her lack of focus on her appearance. I think she should not change at all with respect to how she cares for her dogs.

She’s made it clear she won’t ever. So she’s willing to limit her dating pool to the “must love dogs” people - like the movie title. I would never have been ok with that lifestyle by way of example.

She’s adopted a second dog which is great just not great for her partner.

Separately his comments on his loss of attraction are uncalled for IMO. 

[tattoobunnie]

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It spells laziness. 

Not for nothing, but this screams, you don't have kids or dogs. And, you probably don't go camping.  Being comfortable in your own skin, being able to rock wearing a garbage bag, being able to veg out with your love, that's not lazy.  It's just not a priority to hide behind makeup and formal wear.

His statement that he is no longer attracted to her is his way to deflect and has nothing to do with her appearance.  They just are not a good fit.  And instead of not being a coward, and breaking up with her, he moves the goal post.  He's a tool. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Not for nothing, but this screams, you don't have kids or dogs. And, you probably don't go camping.  Being comfortable in your own skin, being able to rock wearing a garbage bag, being able to veg out with your love, that's not lazy.  It's just not a priority to hide behind makeup and formal wear.

His statement that he is no longer attracted to her is his way to deflect and has nothing to do with her appearance.  They just are not a good fit.  And instead of not being a coward, and breaking up with her, he moves the goal post.  He's a tool. 

I think you guys are misunderstanding me.  Again, I am NOT talking about always wearing make up and looking perfectly coiffed, please read my posts again for clarity?

No I don't have kids but I've had lots of dogs who I loved dearly and took good care of while still being and looking clean and fresh.  

And I LOVE the mountains and going camping and hiking and no I don't always look my best during these activities but it's occasionally and has nothing to do with what I think the OP is referring to.  I could be wrong it's just my take on what she posted. 

She even admitted she simply hasn't cared about maintaining her appearance,  even showering every day for goodness sakes.

My attitude may also be because growing up my mom placed a lot of emphasis on maintaining one's appearance, she was a professional model and appearance was everything although I'm not nearly as focused on it as she was. But I still always strive to look clean, fresh and presentable.

Don't ask me how she did it but my mom raised SIX kids and always looked clean, fresh and pretty every evening when my dad came home from work and she would have a cocktail ready for him and they'd have a drink together. 

This is what I remember growing up and has obviously influenced my opinions about it. 

Hope that further clarifies.  :))