Girlfriend threatening to look elsewhere?

[Mucio]

My girlfriend (42) and I (51) have been living together for 5 months. We are together every time, and we get along perfectly in every way. Except she thinks I have not really separated from my ex-wife (50), because we get along well, are still helpful to each other, and our deal when separating was extremely favorable to her (I wanted to close a deal asap to move out to be with my girlfriend and did not want to upset out daughters (16 and 19) with any fights).

Last week I talked to a lawyer friend about changing the deal a bit in my favor, he was not very enthusiastic about my prospects, and my girlfriend was very disappointed with my unwillingness to fight (she sees me as my ex's doormat). She then said she would from then on live her own life.

Yesterday I asked what that meant, and she said that she would only prioritize her things (career, etc). I asked about other men, and she said literally that if a man came offering more that I gave, she would dump me. I was very upset, of course, and asked for clarification. She said she did not mean to be open to other proposals, she only meant that she would leave me if she could not bear the situation anymore, etc.

I asked for an apology, she did it, but kind of halfheartedly. 

There was another time when she asked me if I had a "backup" if our relationship did not work out. I said no, and asked about her. She also said no, but I thought the simple fact of her having this concept very weird.

Do you guys think she may be starting to cogitate to be with me only till she finds a more convenient partner?

 

 

[Coily]

Sounds like your GF is from the silly school that you have to hate your ex after divorce.

Even though your daughters are toward the end of their teenage years, the fact you prioritized them over a long protracted legal fight should be a positive to your GF, not her putting one foot out the door. If she can't handle you wanting the best for your daughters, I would have to wonder about your GF with that kind of talk.

Personally, I would be considering ending the relationship over this sort of callousness. It's as if you have to jump to her tune in your relationship with YOUR daughters and your ex.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Mucio said:

My girlfriend (42) and I (51) have been living together for 5 months. We are together every time, and we get along perfectly in every way. Except she thinks I have not really separated from my ex-wife (50), because we get along well, are still helpful to each other, and our deal when separating was extremely favorable to her (I wanted to close a deal asap to move out to be with my girlfriend and did not want to upset out daughters (16 and 19) with any fights).

How long have you been dating? Are you living in your GFs house?  The terms of divorce are of course your and your attorneys business.

However if you are still legally married and living in her house, that would obviously be a source of friction. Especially if she feels you're just camping out there and still operating as best friends with your wife. 

Try to get your divorce finalized and consider getting your own place. 

[waffle]

36 minutes ago, Mucio said:

 . . . and our deal when separating was extremely favorable to her . . . 

What does that mean?  

I assume you're talking financially here.  Could you afford to be so generous with your wife (it sounds like you're still married?)?  Because women don't like doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship, financially speaking, while his paycheck goes to the ex or soon to be ex.  That would explain why she's open to someone else who can offer more.

[Kwothe28]

46 minutes ago, Mucio said:

she said literally that if a man came offering more that I gave, she would dump me.

And you didnt said: OK, here is a door, go find one?!

That is extremely disrespectful for you. She literally said to you that if she finds somebody that takes care of her financially(I assume that is what she means by "offering more") she would dump you. Which makes her a classic gold-digger by that sentence alone. Its extremely concerning you are accepting that kind of behavior. And not just throwing her stuff through the door and say "Dont let the door hit you on the way out". Because after that sentence you should be through with her for life.

I am assuming that you did well by finances before divorce settlement. After all, that netted you younger and I am assuming prettier girlfriend. However she wont stay forever if she saw your finances dwindle. Ofcourse she would find somebody else to sponsor her activities. That is what they do. With all due respect, you cant have sex with her as some 20 or 30 year old. And now you cant even support her financially. So she thinks there is nothing more for her there. So yes, expect her to leave as soon as she finds suitable replacement.

[Batya33]

I agree with Kwok and I'd be done.  I would like to know if you're still married or are you actually divorced?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mucio said:

 she thinks I have not really separated from my ex-wife (50), because we get along well, are still helpful to each other, and our deal when separating was extremely favorable to her.

Unfortunately there's been several episodes of jealousy to the point where you demanded she not speak to other men. That could be why she's upset  you're best friends with your  wife and not divorced yet. 

 

[waffle]

6 hours ago, Mucio said:

she sees me as my ex's doormat 

Any truth to this?

Because if you're throwing money at your ex or soon to be ex so she won't be mad, and then going to your girlfriend crying broke, you're going to have to expect problems.

[Seraphim]

Your gf who you divorced your wife to be with doesn’t respect you and basically told you if she had a better offer she would be gone. You didn’t tell her to heave ho? You should tell her to hit the road. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Mucio said:

My girlfriend (42) and I (51) have been living together for 5 months. We are together every time, and we get along perfectly in every way. Except she thinks I have not really separated from my ex-wife.

Unfortunately there have been multiple issues all along. Mostly that you insist on going through her phone and that she is not "allowed" to have male friends. That seems pretty rich coming from someone whose best friend is his wife and who hasn't finalized the divorce.

Why not get your own place rather than jumping from the frying pan to the fire? 

[Tiddytok5]

You were cheating on your wife and divorced her to be with your gf, or was the relationship over and divorce pending before you started dating??

 

 

You, as a legally married man shouldn't have been "dating" anyone until you had a divorce, and time as alone  single person... also time to heal and get your life in order...

 

You are your ex wife's eager and willing doormat. 

If you're ever consider seriously dating someone (once you're healthy enough to be in a relationship..you're not now) 

 

Boundaries have to be in place between you and your ex wife. 

 

 

This rebound "fantasy" relationship that you're in isn't healthy. 

 

You aren't healthy and you don't know your worth. 

 

She's not into you genuinely,  and disrespects you often. You are just a placeholder for and to her until someone she feels is  better comes along. 

 

 

Stop allowing yourself to be abused and disrespected.  

 

End things permanently.  Kick her to the curb..get a place of your own. Work on yourself perhaps in therapy. 

 

Stay single for a year or more.

 

Learn to love and respect yourself. 

[lostandhurt]

A few simple questions:

1. Are you divorced or in the process of divorcing or only separated?

2. Did you cheat on your wife?

3. What did you think would happen when you dumped your wife for another woman but never let go of your wife?

 It sounds like your gf thinks you are taking her for a test drive and keeping your ex close by just in case you want to bounce back to her.

 You seem to be perplexed as to why your gf is upset.  Seriously???

Lost

[Tiddytok5]

I reread your post..

 

Anyone who has feelings for a person who is claiming to be completely over and separated from an ex would have doubts and fears knowing the person they are supposed to be  in a committed  relationship  hasn't any established firm boundaries in place between themselves and that ex.

 

She doesn't know where she stands, and wants reassurance and reconfirmation from you.  (Although frankly I don't know why she'd thought and expected she get "better" from you..especially if you two were carrying on while you were marriedand still living as a family with your ex wife)

You seem like you thought the grass would be greener with the girlfriend, found out it wasn't,  regret your choices and is trying to get back with your ex...

 

or you are using your girlfriend as a backup plan in case you can't get back together with your ex wife. ..

 

 

She feels like a backup plan. You are too "chummy" with your ex wife. She's telling you if things don't improve,  she's leaving, and if she meets an eligible candidate,  she'll choose him. 

 

Rightfully she should.

 

Don't string people along.  

 

 

 

Both of my replies stand.

[Mucio]

Hi all,
thanks for your replies.
I will give a chronology so you guys can maybe give me some advice.
I was married 20 years, and we decided to end things in July last year. But we agreed to only tell our children at the end of the year, not to disturb their studies. Also, we decided to keep living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, and be free to date other people.
I started going out and it became clear, from what I got from my first two dating experiences, that living with my ex was unacceptable. They told me to get out of my house, then look for them 🙂
Before I could take any such action, I met my current girlfriend and fell in love. Luckily, she accepted to keep dating me, giving me two months to leave my house. 
I did all hastily, moved to a small place 6 months ago, and made a very favorable divorce deal with my ex wife. We never meet in person, but keep in frequent contact over financial issues and kids problems.
My girlfriend has her own place, but in practice has been living with me since I moved out. 
All this period, we usually understand each other perfectly. I really love her, and it seems clearly reciprocal. I give her practically all my time, energy and attention, but she feels like I she is taking only the "rest" of me, and I am more concerned with the well being of my former family than with her.
To be honest, I really don't care much about money, and my current situation is stable. Also, I never thought that my girlfriend should care much about the terms of my divorce, but she takes it like a personal offence, like I did not think of her at all in that issue (which is true, I just prioritized getting free asap to be free). The funny thing is she does not seem to be focused on money, but she hates to see injustice, or so she says.
What is your view?

[Wiseman2]

Are you legally divorced? Is your divorce finalized? Are you and your GF living together or commingling finances? 

Do you pay child support and have  custody and visitation arrangements in place? You do seem overly attached to your "ex" wife. Perhaps focus more on appropriate coparenting? 

[Mucio]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you legally divorced? Is your divorce finalized? Are you and your GF living together or commingling finances? 

Do you pay child support and have  custody and visitation arrangements in place? You do seem overly attached to your "ex" wife. Perhaps focus more on appropriate coparenting? 

Yes. Yes. We are living together, I pay for most common expenses.

Yes. My kids are big, we meet very often. We have even traveled with my girlfriend, they get along ok.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Mucio said:

Yes. Yes. We are living together, I pay for most common expenses.

Yes. My kids are big, we meet very often. We have even traveled with my girlfriend, they get along ok.

If you are legally divorced,why are you rehashing the terms? Especially since your GF still has her own place? If your children get along with your GF, that's good. 

[lostandhurt]

So you are legally divorced but your gf wants you to go back to court to try and get a better deal.  Is that correct? 

AND

If you don't she is looking elsewhere for a bf.   Is that all correct?

 What you should be concerned about is that you never healed from the divorce and end of your marriage, instead you jumped right into dating and then practically living with your current gf. 

 What exactly does your gf want you to get a better deal on from your ex wife?  Less child support? Alimony?  The sofa?

 Lost

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Mucio said:

I never thought that my girlfriend should care much about the terms of my divorce, but she takes it like a personal offence, like I did not think of her at all in that issue (which is true, I just prioritized getting free asap to be free). The funny thing is she does not seem to be focused on money, but she hates to see injustice, or so she says.

Honey, you're a grown man and a father. Step up to tell GF to back off. This is your family. She's premature. Don't let her influence you to rip yourself or your kids off. 

You've taken no time to catch your breath. No time to process. No time to learn how to establish yourself solo. No time to learn how to negotiate a private family 'system' that you've worked out between yourself and your kids and your ex over t.i.m.e. And your side of the family. And your ex's side of your childrens' family.

This is important stuff. It's about your kids and your relationship with them and your own psyche. This requires maturity and time to work things through. NOT with a girlfriend, with your family. If some woman wants to slide into that later, then so be it--but establish it first.

If GF won't back off, I'd tell her that I'm stepping away while we both still think highly of one another. If she'd like to hear from me after I handle my own family business, she can let me know. Otherwise, I'd wish her the best, but I'd focus where I need to focus right now.

[poorlittlefish]

What does "still helpful to each other" mean?  If your ex keeps phoning or you go over to do things for her, it's no wonder your girlfriend is getting fed up.  If you've been very generous to your ex, to the extent it negatively affects your ability to have a decent lifestyle with your girlfriend then again, I can see why she's fed up.

Maybe your girlfriend is testing the water by what she said, not because she wants to run off with another man, but because she is tiring of feeling second best or a third wheel.  You can be friendly with your ex in relation to seeing the kids, but as they are teenagers, you can make arrangements directly with them.  Other than that, she's your ex for a reason and if you prioritise her feelings over those of your girlfriend, then you can expect your girlfriend to leave.